617. The Cold War
When it gets cold outside,
New Yorkers head inside.
And look for ways to generate heat.
Hey. Watch those hands, mister.
They are cold, and you are warm, so..
People are looking.
No one is looking.
You're seated at the star table, I see.
Where else would I be?
- Come and join us. - No, we wouldn't wanna..
- Yes, come. - You saved our lives.
There's ten thousand restaurants in New York and everyone's at Pastis.
This is John Paul Sandal,
the most fantastic painter in New York.
I'm not paying for lunch.
You know my assisstant Lee.
Audra Clark, she's the editor of Artlife magazine.
- Carrie Bradshaw. - Hi.
Handsome Lee has just informed us of your upcoming show in Paris.
Yeah, right, a solo exhibit at the Galerie Nationale du Jeu de Paume.
Just another day.
You are so full of shit.
I never said I wasn't.
It's your first new exhibit in what, four years?
Well, the world is waiting with breath that is baited.
We need menus and a wine list.
So how are they?
The oysters are very good.
No, his pieces.
Oh, um, I don't know.
I haven't seen them yet.
- Are you an artist as well? - No, I'm a writer.
No, I write a column for a newspaper.
- The Times? - The New York Star.
It's very good column about women, men and sex.
Very smart, and very funny.
You're not sure, you're snide.
- May I borrow your newspaper? - No, no, what are you... oh..
It's my belief that the last time anyone actually enjoyed the 69 position was in 1969.
I think it's funny.
That wasn't one of my smartest ones.
And further Uptown, Charlotte didn't mind the cold.
She had a new puppy love to keep her warm.
Oh, that is the most precious little thing.
- Thank you. - What's her name?
- Elizabeth Taylor. - Oh.
That is the fourth person to stop and gush.
I swear that dog's getting cruised more than me, and we're on the corner of gay and gay.
She loves the attention, doesn't she?
Look how she prances along.
- Do you see her prancing? - Yes, she's very prancy.
She was a show dog, you know. She even competed at Westminster.
Did she ever win anything?
Well, no, but I think that was only because her last owner wasn't very supportive.
I think she misses the competition.
- See how she's showing off. - She's freaking attention whore.
- Cute dog. - Thank you.
I'm thinking of re-entering her.
I think with my love and a little encouragement,
she could actually win. What do you think?
What the hell, do it.
Nobody puts baby in the corner.
Dirty Dancing, hello?
And over in Brooklyn, someone was not feeling so prancy.
Man, your face is freezing.
I had to walk all the way from the subway in these heels.
My feet are killing me.
Why didn't you just carry and wear sneakers like everyone else?
You can take me out of Manhattan, but you can't take me out of my shoes.
Then stop complaining about them.
You're right. I have much bigger things to complain about.
Did you get a chance to install my DSL line today?
I was putting up sheet racks in Brady's room.
Steve, you know I can't live without internet access.
You want your kid to live without walls?
This oughtta cheer you up.
The Point Express finally got our address right.
We have mail?
My Tattle Tale came.
Finally, a connection to the real world.
I can't believe that you read that crap.
I love it, it's my thing. Let it go.
- Oh, Magda and Brady.. - I'm reading this, you no longer exist.
That night, at the only restaurant that seemed to exist.
Oh, there's Samantha's boyfriend, Smith.
- Oh, where? - Star table, let's say hello.
He's so unbelievably hot in that Gus Van Sant's movie.
But can he pull off a fuschia Oswald Boateng shirt?
Hi, sorry to interrupt.
We've met before. We're friends of Samantha's.
I hear she's a wonderful woman.
Oh my god, that's a good look for you.
It's very Jefferson Starship.
Well, I decided to turn a little hair loss into a lot of hair game.
You're getting wiggy with it.
Come on. Jam in here right next to me.
Oh, we don't wanna disturb.
Are you kidding? Any friend of Samantha's.
- This is my boyfriend Marcus. - Marcus, Smith Jerrod.
- Oh, what are you drinking, it looks yummy. - Smith Jerrod.
How you doing, boss(?)?
Dude, my girl loves you.
- You gotta let me get a picture. - Only if you get my friends here.
I heard that Aleksandr Petrovsky is having a solo show in Paris.
Don't believe everything you hear.
It's exciting, tell me about your show.
Why would I want to talk about my work
when I have you in bed with me.
Because I want to know about it, cuz it's important to you.
This looks important to me.
- I'm serious, come on. - So am I.
I just wanna know more about what you do.
If for no other reason, then I would like to avoid having this face at restaurant.
I prefer keep my work and my private life separate.
All this art talking, it's so fucking boring.
It wouldn't be to me.
Then you're an exception to the rule.
if you're not going to tell me about National Gallery blah blah,
then I need to get serious about my busy day.
Oh, don't go.
I have many, many...
Oh, schedule. You're so New York.
Stay here, do nothing, get in trouble.
But I'm meeting people for things.
It's cold out there, stay here where it's warm.
Samantha, I don't know how to tell you this,
but I was reading my Tattle Tale and there's a picture of Smith.
Miranda, what in the world are you doing reading something like that?
- I love it, it's my thing. Let it go. - Oh, Smith is always in that rag.
Yeah, but this time, he's gay.
Oh, Boys-s-s Night Out.
Smith Jerrod cozies up to Broadway dancer,
Marcus Adant, and unidentified older gay gentleman.
- Smith is not gay. - Of course not.
So this makes you his beard.
I'm a beard and a wig.
You're not upset?
Oh, please, after the big C, you don't sweat the small stuff.
And besides, once the gay rumor starts,
it means you're really a star.
- Hello. - Hey, sweetie, it's me.
Carrie, where are you?
Oh, bad news, I don't think I'm gonna make it.
You can't come? Are you okay?
No, I'm fine.
I'm just, you know,
I'm just all the way downtown with the Russian and it's very cold out.
She's still downtown and it's too cold.
Well, you know, we haven't seen you in forever and
oh, I have news.
Elizabeth Taylor is going to be in a dog show.
- My Elizabeth Taylor. - Oh. Congratulations.
And Miranda wants to really talk to you.
And Smith is gay.
What do you mean you're not coming?
Smith is gay?
Don't try to change the subject. I came in all the way from Brooklyn.
Oh, who are you kidding.
You'd use any excuse to come in the city.
You owe me a trip to Brooklyn.
Carrie, we're fine. Everything's fine.
Smith is not gay.
It's too cold to leave the house.
You stay downtown with your hot man.
Which is exactly what I did. For the next four days.
With my column tragically overdue,
I finally left the Russian's warm apartment.
Oh, good god.
And came hom eto the tropics.
When you've been spending all your time in your new world,
it's easy to forget that there might be people trying to reach you
from your old world.
Hey, kid, how's it going?
We just put our new cabernet to bed.
Made me think of you.
Give me a call.
Saturday, 10 p. m.
Playing hard to get, huh?
Called your cell, but I think I copied the number wrong.
Unless you're a ticked off guy named Paco.
Hey, I wanna talk to you, call me.
Monday, 2 p. m.
Carrie, it's me. Again.
Listen, uh, did I do something to tick you off?
If I did, call me and I'll apologize. Okay?
Wednesday, 8 p. m.
Deleted, deleted, deleted.
I deleted Big.
- You deleted Big? - Yep.
- Did you call him to tell him you deleted him? - Nope.
Wow, that's new.
Delete, delete, delete.
Three messages last week.
- What do you think he was calling about? - Don't know.
And for the first time, don't really care.
After his last trip, I finally got it. What's the point?
Things are serious with the Russian.
It's just so different and so..
It's grown up. There's not a lot of fuss,
there's no confusion about how he feels about me, he tells me all the time.
Unlike answering machine up there in Napa.
- Sounds perfect. - Yeah.
- There's just one thing. - Thank god.
I was beginning to feel bad about Steve and me.
What's the thing?
we don't really have anything in common but each other.
We're not really involved in each other's lives.
He never shares anything about his work.
I don't talk to Steve about my work.
- And he doesn't mind? - I think he prefers it that way.
But you guys share everything else.
Because we're in Brooklyn. There's no one else to talk to.
Besides, Carrie, every couple's different.
Yeah, I guess I just had this idea about a couple sharing everything.
At least their passions.
You want passions on top of passion?
Hey, Carrie, welcome back.
You see the new walls? Nice progress, huh?
I'll say. It's really coming together.
What's all that?
Oh, I stopped off and picked up some dessert for you ladies.
Brooklyn's finest, we have cheese cake...
What a delightful burrow.
I'll put these stuff out in the kitchen.
I love having your friends over.
I want you to meet him, my Russian.
That log is really heating up the joint, uh?
All night again?
How's the work going?
It was clear from his silence we weren't having passions on top of passions for breakfast.
Hey, what are you doing on Sunday night?
I have no idea, why?
Well, I was thinking since I met some of your friends the other day,
maybe you could meet some of my friends.
Those people were my colleagues and not my friends.
My friends are mostly in Europe.
Well, my friends are here. And they're fantastic.
Then on Sunday, I'll be happy to meet your fantastic friends.
And FYI, you have a friend in New York, me.
You're not my friend, you're my lover.
And that is a much better thing.
Come to bed.
Oh no, no, no. I have to go home.
I have to write my column. I can't turn it in late again.
I can't, my computer's at home.
I have a computer very good for writing columns.
You would let me use your fancy computer.
In exchange for one hour in bed.
They say that opposites attract, but they never say for how long.
Should the relationship-savvy person stoke the fires of passion
with the kindling of work and friends
or shold we simply be satisfied with the romance that sizzles?
I couldn't help but wonder.
Without sharing your worlds, can even the hottest relationship stop cold?
Meanwhile, Samantha was about to hear the hottest rumor
from the city's hottest rumor mail.
Two young PR girls.
Did you see that picture of Smith Jerrod online?
I can't believe he's gay.
No one that good-looking is ever straight.
I thought he was dating Samantha Jones.
All this time, I thouhgt she had the hottest sex life in New York city.
Turns out she's just a fag hag.
And that stopped Samantha cold.
And here comes the hound group.
Everyone's talking about me.
In the blink of a tabloid, I went from Demi to Liza.
These people know who you are.
An unidentified older gay gentleman.
Marcus got three auditions off that picture.
I got outed.
Oh, poor Stanny.
How can they just assume I'm gay?
Ok, I've got ten bucks on Lord Reginal the Fourth down there.
- Any takers? - Oh, you are a good friend.
All the way from Brooklyn to see a bunch of dogs run in a circle.
She came to see my baby get baptized, I came to see her baby get judged.
I almost didn't show my face. Fag hag.
There go years and years of fucking everything that walks.
I thought you weren't gonna sweat the small stuff.
Look, I can't have cancer and be a fag hag.
Oh, Hey, you guys want to have drinks with the Russian tomorrow night?
- Sure. - I'm in.
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. It's just the girls this time.
Oh, what am I now? Your unidentified older gay friend?
You'd be in the next round, I promise.
Ok, I gotta go backstage and check on the little mother.
Well, take your time.
We still got sporting and walking and toy. Oh my.
This was not the type of blow job I was hoping for today.
She looks so pretty. Yes, she does.
Did you see how impressed the host committee was?
I really think she has a chance.
You know, you think with all these faggy little dogs,
there'd be at least one horny circuit muscle gay here.
No, nothing but boxy thick naked ladies and tweety old queens.
Did you cut yourself with the scissors?
There are drops of blood here.
Wait, it's coming from her.
No. Don't tell me.
Oh no, she's in heat.
Hey, how's it..?
- What's wrong? - The freaking dog just got her period.
- Excuse me? - Oh yeah, Aunt Flo's in doggy town.
- Show over. - Don't say that.
We can still compete. I once won a junior gymnastics meet when I had mine.
It's a dog.
What are gonna do? Run around looking for a teeny tiny tampon?
You're right, it's not funny.
I'm a woman. I should know better.
Elizabeth Taylor just got her period.
Backstage. That time of the month.
I thought she looked a little bloated.
And she was so bitchy earlier.
And here come the toy dogs.
The judges narrowed it down to the toy poodle,
champion?, the shitzu, champion Yurosaki.
The pomeranian, champion?, and the King Charles spaniel, Elizabeth Taylor.
Come on, Elizabeth Taylor.
Charlotte was a dog show natural.
Thanks to her blue blood background.
Let me see the move.
And speaking of blood.
The judge's examining the dogs' gaits one more time
before he makes decision.
It's the King Charles spaniel followed by shitzu,
the pomeranian, and the toy poodle. - That's my friend.
All the dogs were champions,
but to the judge, Charlotte was the best in show.
Samantha Jones, I thought that was you.
Tom, what are you doing here?
I'm head of the press for this tacky thing.
Listen, could I get Smith Jerrod's number?
Tom, no. I'm fucking him.
Sure you are.
I'm a laughing stock. I have got to put a stop to this.
And from dog show to doggy show.
Are you sure you wanna do this?
It worked for Paris Hilton. I need to set the record straight, literally.
But I don't care if people think I'm gay.
This isn't about you.
Now, when we get going, make sure to say,
Samantha Jones, you are one hot piece of ass.
I could fuck you all night long, Samantha Jones.
How are you going to get this around?
I'm a PR pro. I know exactly whose hands to drop this into.
The very next day, two PR girls got an anonymous triple X from FedEx.
You have to come next time, she was so happy.
You know what would make her happy?
Letting her off that show leash.
Oh no, I don't thnk so. What if she gets hurt?
Come on, honey. Give her a little victory lap on her own.
You're right. Okay, Elizabeth. Go play.
Oh look, she made a little friend, isn't that sweet?
Oh, oh, no. No, stop, stop that.
She's a blue ribbon winner, stop.
Stop it. Honey, go.
Do something, Harry.
- Stop it. Harry, hurry. - She's in heat. No.
- Stay away. - Get off Elizabeth Taylor.
Watch out for the big one.
Elizabeth Taylor got gangbanged in the park?
Oh god, that is so 80's.
There we were at Asia de Cuba waiting for my lover de Russia.
Hi, where are you?
Seriously, I could not believe how many dogs she was with.
It was disgusting, my sweet little girl.
Well, I thnk she's a woman now.
No, no, I understand.
Ok, I will.
- Well, he's not gonna make it. - Ah, that's too bad.
Is he okay?
No, he's just in the middle of something at his studio,
- he can't stop right now. - I understand.
If he's feeling inspired then he shouldn't stop.
He's getting ready for this big exhibit at some Paris museum.
He's been staying up nights.
Oh, I'm disappointed. I wanted you guys to meet him.
Compliments of Mr. Petrovksy with sincere apologies.
Hey, you know what, why don't we finish these off,
crack this open and give him some time and go over there and say hello.
Oh honey, you sure you want to disturb him?
Yeah, yeah, we'll just go say hi.
He's always telling me to be more spontaneous.
A couple cocktails and a bottle champagne later.
Eighth floor, Lingerie.
He has the whole floor.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
This has got to get ready.
- What are you doing? - I'm being spontaneous.
I told you I was working.
I know, but I wanted my friends to meet you.
Well, Charlotte, you've met.
But, this is Miranda and Samantha, a. k.a. Foxy Brown.
And I wanted them to see the house.
When I say I'm working, I'm workling, ok?
I'm sorry guys, I'm very, very busy, but please do stay.
Enjoy the apartment, we'll meet one day, alright? Sorry.
I'm sorry, I thought..
- It's fine. - If he's working...
Oh, do you guys still want to see the apartment?
Oh, it's late. I should get back to Brooklyn before Steve thinks I've defected.
Another time. Foxy's ready to hang over her wig.
Do you wanna come share a cab with me uptown?
No, no, I'm think I'm gonna stay.
- Ok, nighty night. - Sleep tight.
- I am so glad to be home. - You are?
I love you for loving my friends.
And I love you for no walls and cheese cake, cannoli.
Well, if you love me for that stuff, what's gonna happen now?
I put in a DSL line.
And although Steve had satisfied Miranda,
she still wanted more.
Samantha Jones, you're one hot piece of ass.
I'd fuck you all night long, Samantha Jones.
Samantha's hot tape cooled her love of gossip for good.
Or at least for now.
And try as I might, I could not forget the Russian's icy treatment of my friends.
Hey, I need to talk to you.
I know that you're busy, but those were my..
Are you ok?
Yeah, I'm fine.
No, you are not fine.
Did something happen with the piece?
Hey, come on, talk to me.
What if it's not enough?
On these pieces, huh?
It's going to be enough.
It's true I don't know anything about the piece but...
you are brilliant.
The world is waiting with a breath that is baited.
Ohm, she's just an uptight bitch.
Well, that's better.
You're a little scary.
So talk to me, what's the problem?
I may not understand, but I'll listen.
yesterday I looked up
and the entire thing looked so utterly stupid
and flat and needless and childish.
It's a cold hard fact.
Sometimes, there's not enough time in a night for both your worlds.
617. The Cold War