611. The Domino Effect
There are some New York nights that are monumental, gigantic, historic.
Others, are just big.
Bet you can't get your steaks like this in your little Napa Village,
now can ya?
Where do yo think these cattle comes from? A ranch on Canal Street?
Well, what we lack in livestock,
we make up for in cabs.
Napa has cabs.
Fine, you win, and I don't wanna fight about it.
Oh, let's. Let's fight, then we can make out.
So, what's on your New York agenda?
Making some deals, breaking some hearts?
Can I tell you a secret?
That's not your real hair?
I'm having a little heart thing done.
They found a blockage. So I'm getting a, you know,
Simple procedure, no big deal.
I can kiss these good bye.
Come on. Don't be such a sissy.
They do a million of these a day.
It's like having your teeth cleaned.
Could you bring some extra napkins?
And some violins.
Uptown, there was a different kind of dinner being prepared.
With less cholesterol and no tears.
Oh my god.
How ever you got in here,
I don't care,
I applaud you.
Miranda's new neighbor, Doctor Robert Leeds
had quicky become her new boyfriend.
Doctor of all trades.
Magda let me in. She was very excited at the idea of
someone actually using your kitchen to prepare food.
Well, it's a first.
I didn't know you could cook.
I make one thing.
You can handle it.
Oh my god.
I have plate's mats?
How am I gonna repay you for all this?
I only make lean cuisine.
I have one idea.
No, it's another idea. But it's related.
Take tomorrow off.
I don't do that.
Just think about it.
Brady's with his dad,
I don't have to work until seven. We can spend the whole day together.
Bet you have a few personal days stored up.
Just think about it.
Truth be told, Miranda had never taken a personal day in her entire career.
But then again, no one had evermade her enchiladas before.
Whoa, geez, whoa.
- Arghh. - Oh, oh, hey.
Steve, what are you doing here?
Oh my god, are you ok?
I see spots.
Let me take a look at that.
Who the hell are you?
What are you doing here?
I forgot Brady's eardrops.
What are you doing here?
I took a personal day.
- I'm Robert. - This is Robert.
- I'm a doctor. - He's doctor
and my boyfriend.
I'm sorry. Is it weird that I just called you that?
No, I like it.
Hey, do you wanna help me here or what?
Yeah, yeah, let's take this in the bathroom.
Can you get some ice?
Bend your head forward slightly and have a seat.
So, how long have you two been hanging out?
Oh, about a month.
I was gonna mention it when the time was right.
I was just waiting for the right time.
- Apply pressure. - So, anyway, this is Steve,
- Brady's dad. - Good to meet you, Steve.
Oh my god. Who's watching the baby?
My ma, and Debbie.
Yeah, it should be fine. It's just bruised.
- I'm gonna need a tampon. - What?
- What the fuck? - It's a little trick we use at work,
and some scissors.
What are you, some nose guy or something?
No, I'm in sports medicine.
For the Knicks.
Adding insult to injury.
Now, this should do it.
So, that pretty much solves the problem
of how Robert and Steve are going to meet.
I guess I can check that off my list of things to do.
I will continue to be horrified by that story all day long.
And poor Steve,
he was in such a vulnerable position with the sex and the bloody nose,
and the doctor boyfriend.
Well, you won.
It's not a competition.
She's being fucked by a hot, black doctor and Steve had a tampon up his nose.
Ok, I hate to admit this,
but there is part of me that took some pleasure in the whole thing.
Is that terrible?
Well, no. It's not as like you planned it that way,
I'm crazy about Robert.
So, why do I even care what Steve thinks?
Because you've been through a lot with him.
Some people just get under your skin and stay there.
- When I say Big the other night,.. - Big is in town?
Yeah, he's here for a little heart thing.
What? Is he on the list to get one?
And you're going to feel incredibly bad in a minute.
He's here because he's having heart surgery.
Ok, I'm officially a monster. Please continue.
No, it's ok.
It's actually a fairly routine procedure. They found a blockage.
This is exactly what happened the other night when he told me.
I know, I know he's gonna be fine.
what is going on with me?
Yoo hoo, ladies lunching.
Bitsy Von Muffling had recentlymarried cabaret singer, Bobby Fine
known to everyone but Bitsy as the gayest gay man alive.
My goodness. Look at you.
Can you believe it? Me, pregnant.
It's a girl Bobby is so excited, he's already got two names picked out.
Judy or Barbara.
We're gonna wait to what she looks like.
I like Judy.
And I owe it all to Dr. Mao.
Or as we call him Dr. Wow,
acupuncturist slash miracle worker.
Seriously, I couldn't take it anymore with the IUl's, and the IVF's, and the I give up.
Anyway, then I go to this guy, and poof, I'm with child.
Just from going to acupuncture?
I don't know how the hell it works, but this guy could get a cactus pregnant.
Anyway, I've got to run.
Or shall I say, waddle.
It was great seeing you girls.
How is that physically possible?
That woman is like 50 years old.
And married to a fag.
I have got to go see that Dr. Mao.
I have a three o'clock with Dr. Mao?
I know someone who tried for 5 yearsand never saw results.
Did she drink the teas religiously?
Tell her to drink the teas. They're smelly, but they work.
My friend Lois got pregnant on her third visit.
I knew a woman who was toldshe'd never get pregnant ever,
because she wasn't ovulating.
And guess what,she's expecting her fourth this Christmas.
And then this woman said that the teas and the herbs are really important.
And I'm just wondering because I started facility treatments with my first husband,
but now I'm remarried.
So, this woman thought that I should.. Mrs. Goldenblatt,
I have all that information.
Let's just concentrate on what we're doing here,
in this room.
Now, I'll be back in twenty minutes.
Just relax with your own thoughts.
I knew a woman who was told she'd never get pregnant ever,
because she wasn't ovulating. And guess what,
she's expecting her fourth this Christmas.
From eastern medicine on the Upper West Side
to western medicine on Upper East Side.
How are you?
What did you think? I'd be dead already?
I don't know.
Hospitals scare me.
Oh, I'm fine. I'm great.
I've never felt better.
Boy, you should've seen your face.
You're such an easy mark.
Oh, oh. It's Ruby time.
- Ruby's my favorite. - He says that to all the nurses, doesn't he?
It's a safe assumption.
All right, darling. Come on. Up.
Oh boy, there she goes again.
All waterworks. come on, take it easy.
I'm sorry. Just ignore me.
Oh, so sweet. She's worried about you.
Don't cry. You husband will be fine.
No, no, I'm not. He's not my husband.
Meanwhile, Samantha welcomed Smith back from his movie location
with open arms.
Now, put your index finger on my clit.
But less pressure.
Ok, now two fingers.
A little higher.
A little bit more to the left.
Now, do you feel that?
Did you take a directing seminar while I was gone?
I did some summer reading.
Ok, now keep your finger there but move your thumb.
Oh, I missed those hands.
- So, what do you want to eat? Later, without directions,
Smith tried the most intimate hand position of all.
I don't know. What do you feel like?
Oh, I just had..
I have a new sympathy for the disabled.
What happened to you?
Oh, I'm fine, I just fell into one of those hatches on the sidewalk.
It was stupid.
Oh my god, that's my biggest fear. How did that happen?
It was Smith's fault.
He did something to me that was so perverse.
Ok, I'm just gonna say it.
He tried to hold my hand.
You mean to tell me that Smith is a hand-holder?
And to think he once served us food.
You laugh, but it's part of a bigger problem.
Do you know I didn't fuck a single or a married guy
the whole time Smith was out of town. And I'll tell you something else.
I missed him.
Well, it sounds to me like he missed you too.
Hence the deviant behavior.
Like it or not, that little tadpole is wide open in there for you.
you might wanna consider holding his hand.
Ok, it happened again. The crying.
When I visited Big at the hospital.
That's three times now.
I suggest water proof mascara.
I finally figured out that the only way to have Big in my life was to
block oput certain feelings, and now
every feeling that I've ever had is bubbling up all over the place
with nowhere to go except myeye balls.
So, what are you gonna do about it?
Nothing. There's nothing to do.
Big is who he is. He's never gonna change.
He's limited and I acept that.
So, he'll go back to Napa, and I'll go back to not crying.
Honey, if it hurts so much, why are we going shopping?
I have a broken toe, not a broken spirit.
Well, come on then. Move that booty.
If New York City's signature fruit is the apple,
then its signature sound is the ambulance siren.
It seems like all day, every day people are getting hurt.
And the whole city has to hear about it.
But what about the injuries that don't get a siren.
Whether you're falling into the hole in the street
or possibly falling back in love.
Just how dangerous is an open heart?
Hi, can I please be connected to room 817?
Let me see.
That patient left the hospital this morning.
How d'you find me?
When you weren't at the morgue,
I figured you were at the Four Seasons, and here you are.
You know I'd invite you in, Sniffles.
but I've run out of Kleenex.
Should I call the concierge or did you bring your own?
Oh, I'm sorry.
You must have me confused with someone else.
I'm Candy, your Candy striper.
- Stop. - Put your coat back on.
Are you trying to kill me?
I can't smoke, I can't drink,
and I can't get excited.
I'm in the union.
- I know the rules. - It's a damn shame, too
because I love a cute candy stripper.
This isn't about stripping, it's about striping.
Um, it's a complete waste of hotel room if you ask me.
What are we gonna do now?
Oh, Candy's got a whole bag full of PG fun in here.
- and day glow. - Dominos?
Why don't you just take off your dress and kill me now, get it over with?
Nobody wins with that kind of attitude.
Meanwhile across town,
another caregiver has taken precautions.
I know, I know. Almost done.
Here, there we are.
Steve might have gotten knocked out the other night,
but Miranda had no idea his girlfriend was a knock-out.
- Hey. - Hi, Miranda.
Hello, it's nice to..
Oh my gosh.
It's nice to meet you. I'm Miranda.
This is my girlfriend, Debbie.
Are you sure you're ok? You really came down hard there.
I'm fine, really. Thank you.
Hey there, Bradylicious. Hi.
Oh good, you're back.
Robert, this is Debbie.
- And you remember Steve. - Yeah.
You're sure all right, babe?
Cuz I saw you go flying there.
I'm fine. It was nothing.
Robert is just over protective because he's a doctor.
- For the Knicks. - Get out.
Did you hear that, Stevie? The Knicks!
Yeah, yeah, I know.
What a cool job!
It's like crazy cool.
Debby works for Mastercard, corporate headquarters.
I have a Mastercard.
You know Steve won't even let me talk on the phone
when there's a Knicks game on.
Even if I'm in the other room.
I didn't know you were a Knicks man.
Yeah, I follow all the New York teams.
He lives for the Knicks.
One time he took me to a game, and our seats were so high up.
What do they call that section?
The nosebleed section.
I can use to(?) scrounge up a few courtside seats if you're ever interested.
That's ok. I like my seats.
- Take the seats. - I don't need the seats.
Take the seats.
As Miranda and Steve continued needling each other on the playground,
Dr. Mao was busy needling Charlotte in his office.
And this time, she was determined to drown out the voices in her head.
I'll be back in about twenty minutes.
Just try to relax and find your center.
Unfortunately, she couldn't drown out the voices on the street.
When Charlotte opened her mind to Chinese medicine,
she didn't expect a visit from the Cuban Liberation Front.
I can't get centered.
Is there a quieter room?
Cuz i'm trying to relax and find my center,
but I just can't do that with all these noise.
the city will never quiet down.
You're gonna have to learn to block out that New York noise
and listen only to yourself.
Charlotte was beginning to think that the solution to her problem
wasn't finding her center,
but finding some earplugs.
The actors are cool, location was great.
whole thing was off the hook.
Man, I missed you.
Look, I know where you want to put your hand
and I'm sorry, but I'm just not that kind of girl.
Samantha, I like you,
you like me.
And I've had enough with this horseshit.
Just fucking hold my hand.
but only until my foot heals.
And that's how Samantha lost her virginity to Smith.
Hmm. you've had too many on that end and they're crooked.
Especially those last four.
Hey, I'm doing all the heavylifting here, you're sitting there like a log.
I'm in recovery.
Oh, excuses, excuses.
And they're too closely spaced together.
See, you don't understand the delicate balance of physics involved in this.
Well, that's true, This is really more your generation's game,
whereas I came of age in the part(?) cheesy era.
So I guess this is what we'd be like in our seventies, huh?
No sex and board games.
Oh, you're already thinking about your next birthday?
You and me,
we really were special.
Yes, make me big potato, I'll meet you there.
Are you ok?
Oh my god, you're burning up.
Here come on, let's get you in bed.
Well, it's down to 101.
Well, that's good to hear.
So, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.
Ok, thank you so much, doctor.
Well, he thinks you're gonna be fine.
Is this wash cloth still cold?
Yeah, that feels nice.
You're an angel, you know that?
Nah, I'm just doing my job.
What are we doing?
I'm talking about us.
Life's too short.
What are we doing?
I don't know.
It took the best heart surgeon in New York,
but Big's heart was finally unblocked.
In fact, it was wide open.
The next morning by the light of day,
both injured parties were rebounding nicely.
- Hi. - Hey, bobs.
- How was he? - Good.
- A little cranky when he woke up. - Yeah?
- that was funny the other day. - Yeah, it was fun.
Wait, did you say it was fun or funny?
I said funny, I think.
But I guess I meant fun.
Debbie seems really nice.
Thanks. I think so.
So does Robert..
- Is he Rob or Robert? - Robert.
Yeah, He seems like a really good guy.
Hey, morning, Steve.
How's that nose.
- You little guy. - Much better.
I keep telling people that Debbie punched me.
She loves that.
Well, then. I'm outta here.
Oh my god, Charlotte.
Hey there. Hi there.
Heather Greason told me she saw you at Dr. Mao's.
Didn't you love him? You feel like a pin cushion, I know,
but can't you feel it working?
Well, do you know Isabelle Reed?
But she's got a great story.
she tried everything, and I mean everything before she went to Dr. Mao's.
Anyway, she started going four times a week, taking the herbs.
You have to take the herbs. Are you taking the herbs?
It turned out that Dr. Mao was a miracle worker.
Because in just two short sessions,
he taught Charlotte to block out all the New York noise she didn't need to hear.
How long have you been up?
Just a few minutes.
How are you feeling?
I feel like myself again.
- Let's see. - I'm fine. I'm fine.
It was a shift imperceptible to anyone but me.
But I knew Big's heart had closed again.
Maybe it would reopen in another five years, maybe it wouldn't.
But I knew myself well enough to know that that's not enough.
Hey, I'm gonna order breakfast. What do you want?
Just get me some cornflakes and juice.
For the first time all week,
I didn't feel like crying.
Life's too short.
611. The Domino Effect