609. A Woman's Right to Shoes
The single New Yorker's weekend is all about buying.
The latest Vogue, fresh flowers,
and gifts for previously single New Yorkers.
Hi. I'm here for the Welker Wedding Registry.
I'll take the Newport Soup Ladle and three Bimini Steak Knives.
The Baby Peck list? The Burpie Blanket?
Okay. What is left?
Fine, fine, I'll take four espresso cups and a pepper grinder.
Yeah. Okay. The L'il Me Activity Chair.
That night Stanford and I were invited to celebrate the arrival of baby boy Bronson.
Latest son of Kyra and Chuck.
Easy baby girl.
Hey what you got in there Stanny?
A Peter Rabbit dish set with matching bib.
Dang. You snagged that?
Thanks to you I was left with the I'il me chair.
Oh and get this. I also got him a CD,
a Free To Be You and Me.
I loved Marlo Thomas, I played that album all through the fifth grade.
I wanted to run as fast as the wind.
I played 'William wants a doll' so many times,
I almost turned my little sister into a gay man.
Hey. Welcome to the party.
I'm Margo, Kyra's sister.
The gifts go over on the table and the shoes go there.
Kyra and Chuck don't like outside dirt coming in.
The twins are always picking things up off the floor.
This is an outfit.
- They'd really appreciate it. - Margo!
Good thing I wore my party socks.
Gees, If I'd known I was gonna be shoeless,
I would have compensated with a big hat or something.
Well, now I'm so teeny I might bump my head on the coffee table.
Watch out 'Little Me'.
Our hostess, Kyra Bronson had made a name for herself in the early 90's taking pictures
of anorectic actresses on beds at the Chelsea Hotel.
- Hey you two. - Hey.
Now she took pictures of fat babies in buckets.
We come from the east, 70s, bearing gifts.
Where's the blessed child?
The baby, he's in his room.
You can't miss him. He looks just like Chuck
except without that sad closed up hole in his ear
when he pierced it in the 80s.
- Anyway here. - Oh thank you.
I've gotta go. Other people need drinks and by others I mean me.
Hey. Marlo. Allegra.
Waiter. There's a baby in my drink.
Up town, Miranda was putting her foot down in her co-op board meeting.
Look, we all wanna find the perfect tenant for 10G.
All I'm asking is that we not prolong the interview.
Whatever decision we make about Dr. Robert Leeds,
let's make it quick.
I got a baby downstairs getting over the chicken pox.
I have a cataract.
Hello. Come in. Yes hi.
And suddenly, Miranda wasn't so bored in her board meeting.
- Hi. I'm Miranda Hobbes. - Hi.
And this is everybody else.
And I'm Robert Leeds but you probably know that
already along with my social security number and my jacket size.
So, Robert, you're a doctor for the Knicks?
Yeah. Guilty as charged.
- How long have you had that.. - Hey, you've had a great season.
I take it you're not a basketball fan.
Well, you've got me there. I'm a baseball person.
Yankees or Mets?
Should have known.
And what is that suppose to mean?
On page 4 of your tax return...
Lin, Please. We'll get to it.
While Miranda was playing a game of pickup,
You tell him I'll do depositions Friday but only if my client is ready.
Charlotte was picking up as well.
Exactly. What, you're gonna push me on this? Don't push me.
Cause if you push me then I'm pushing it back.
I don't have to produce my client for this, you know.
Charlotte knew when Harry moved in, he would unpack his bags.
She wasn't expecting, the tea bags.
And everything else?
Why are you hocking me on this?
Keep it slow. Open ears, ready?
Here it comes. I don't think so! Clear?
One tax return and a half hour of eye lash batting later.
It was really nice to meet you.
And I won't hold that Mets thing against you.
I appreciate that. Bye-bye.
Well, he's perfect.
Frankly, I am concerned about his financials.
His alimony payments are awfully high.
And he's never owned before.
You people are crazy.
It's the single ones who always throw the wild parties with all the girls.
Okay. I think we all know what's not being said here.
The unspoken thing was that Robert was cute
and Miranda was horny.
And then we saw the most amazing house in Saga.
I swear I had no idea who we were bidding against.
Oh you lie. You two know everything.
That's true. We got the house..
but we could not get a table at Nick and Toni's for the rest of the summer.
Well it's getting late.
Oh my, we have held you guys captive.
No. We've had a swell time. It's just..
it's midnight, he's gay.
He has to start his night.
Anyway, congrats on the baby.
- Thanks. - Yeah. He's just precious.
- Bye. - Bye.
Nice to meet you.
Then of course, our landscaper takes off with half of our trees.
I might have been one foot out the door
but my shoes have appeared to have already left.
And I told him, that's what you get for stealing Billy Joe's firewood.
I.. was there another room for the shoes?
Well, mine seem to have gone missing.
God, Carrie, I'm sorry.
I just can't imagine where your shoes went.
You know, Jennifer was wearing sandals, perhaps she took yours by mistake.
Well actually, they weren't sandals, they were Manolos.
I'm sure they'll turn up.
I can loan you some shoes to go home in.
They say you shouldn't judge until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes.
I made it six blocks.
The next day over dessert,
I was still not over the fact that my shoes had deserted me.
These were new Manolos.
I haven't even done a full lap around the party.
And you know, I don't play favorites with my shoes
but these were very special.
Who would steal shoes from a party?
Someone size 7 with excellent taste.
Why in hell did you take your shoes off to begin with?
We had to. For their kids.
Apparently we drag things in on our heels that make children sick.
Please, it's children who drag the germs around.
Brady got the chicken pox,
courtesy of some kid who licked him at the playground.
Oh my God.
Kyra must have been mortified.
Actually, I kept waiting for the mortification that never came.
She just said they might turn up, sent me home.
Those shoes are not turning up anywhere
but a pawnshop in Brooklyn.
Oh stop. I'm gonna cry in my flan.
So that's it? They're just gone? Boo hoo?
Well legally she owes you for them.
I can't ask her to pay for my shoes.
Why not? If you gave a party and told herto leave her baby outside in the hall
and her baby was missing at the end of the night,
believe me there'd be payback.
That is the craziest thing I've ever heard.
Children are not shoes.
I know, I know. I'm not saying it.
You have every right to be upset about your shoes.
I am so sick of these people with their children.
I'm telling you, they're everywhere.
Sitting next to me in first class,
eating at the next table at Jean Georges.
Look at that. This place is for double cappuccinos,
not double strollers.
- I'm sorry. - Hey no need to apologize.
I wouldn't bring Brady here.
Mommy needs two hands to eat her eight-dollar cake.
You're not gonna defend children?
No. I don't like any children but my own.
Look at that dirty little rug rat.
That's just chocolate.
All children are beautiful but not as beautiful as Brady.
Hey so how goes the big matrimonial movement?
Good. Harry has moved most of his stuff in.
it's going well.
And I'm just trying to learn to compromise
because sometimes I can be a little rigid.
- No. - That's not true.
There's just one thing. It's small but..
really grosses me out. We have a tea bag situation.
Oh I understand.
Just breathe through your nose.
When you're sucking his balls.
What? No. I was talking about Harry leaves his old tea packs around the house.
Oh I thought you meant tea bagging.
When you hold a guy's balls in your mouth.
Why is it called.. oh I get it.
Because they hang. And the dipping.
Oh great. Now I've lost my shoes and my appetite.
You know what I love about living with you?
Besides those nutty little soaps in the bathroom?
Living with you.
I need to talk to you.
What's up baby?
I really don't mean to be a nag but it's just..
well.. it's this.
You leave them all over the house and well.. they stain and..
and maybe you could just try to be a little more careful.
Damn. I thought I was doing so well too.
What do you mean?
Well I've been really trying to watch my ass
you know now that I'm living in your house.
It's our house now and I want you to be yourself.
Yeah well.. myself is pretty much a bull in a china shop.
Then you're bull in our china shop.
It's a bull.
I get it.
- Just making sure. - I get it.
Hold it. Oh, oh.
Welcome to the building.
I have a feeling you had little something to do with that.
Let's just say you owe me big time.
You have a pock.
On your face. Right there.
Oh my god. I must have gotten it from my kid.
- Oh I thought you were single. - I am.
It was the perfect first conversation.
Minus the pock.
All right. Give me the lotion and cotton balls. Stat.
You don't really say stat.
No but it sounds good.
Hey, Who's the little germ disseminator?
Also known as Brady.
Run while you're still breathing.
No, no, it's okay.
I had the chicken pox when I was four. Hey where you going?
He's a winner.
Really want one of these some day.
You know, he looks just like you.
- You think? - Oh yeah.
You know, I could do this myself.
Yeah but I'm a professional.
Oh. Magda, this is Dr. Robert Leeds.
- He's moving in upstairs. - Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- I'll take Brady for nap. - Okay.
Oh hey, hey. You got another one.
Okay Ms. Hobbes, I think you'll live.
But no scathing, doctor's orders.
For Miranda, Robert was just what the doctor ordered.
Hey Carrie what a surprise.
Well I was in the neighborhood,
I thought you might want these back.
Oh you didn't have to return these.
I had forgotten all about them.
So. Any news on my shoes?
No, it's weird.
So. Does Jennifer, did you ever find her sandals?
Well if she took my shoes, she would have left her sandals.
Just being a bit of a shoe detective here.
I haven't heard from her.
Oh my gosh, Carrie. I am such a shit.
I should have offered to pay you for them.
No. No, you don't have to do that.
You know you have kids and you lose all sense of social decency.
- Come in. - Okay.
Mylo, honey. Put your trucks back for mommy.
So. How much were they?
Come on, Carrie. That's insane.
Well. That's what they cost.
I'll give you 200 dollars.
Okay. This is an awkward conversation.
I'm sorry, I just think that's crazy to spend that much money on shoes.
You know how much Manolos are. You used to wear Manolos.
Sure. Before I had a real life.
But Chuck and I have responsibilities now.
485. Like, wow.
I have a real life.
No offense Carrie but I really don't think we should have to pay for your extravagant life style.
I mean it was your choice to buy shoes that expensive.
Yes, but, it wasn't my choice to take them off.
They're just shoes.
She shoe-shamed me.
I left there covered in shame.
She's a fucking bitch.
But she isn't. that's the thing.
She's become this whole other person
it's like she's had two cesareans and a lobotomy.
She owes you for those shoes.
No, it's not about the money. I don't care about the money.
I'm talking about a woman's right to shoes.
Why did she have to shame me?
Because she's trapped in hell of her own making.
No, wait, that's me. Oh.
I am dying to scratch these but if I do, it'll be worse.
How are they today?
Biblical. There's literally a pox on my house.
If there wasn't a Jules and Mimi marathon on BBC America this weekend,
I'd have jumped out the window.
Hey, speaking of handsome black man,
have you spotted any more of Doctor Knicks?
Don't say spot. No. As a leopard,
I'm laying low.
But according to my sources, he's officially in the building.
Hey is it bad my life is filled with shoes and not children?
Stop it. And she is a fucking bitch for making you feel this way.
When we were young,
Marlo Thomas sang to us about accepting each other and our differences.
But then we got older and started singing a different tune.
We stopped celebrating each other's life choices and started qualifying them.
Is acceptance really such a childish concept
or did we have it right all along?
When did we stop being free to be you and me?
The next morning, Charlotte learned just how free the real Harry could be.
Oh, the shark has pretty teeth, dear,
and he shows them pearly white.
- Are you gonna take a shower? - In a little while.
Apparently, it took next to nothingto make Harry feel comfortable.
Charlotte felt completely trapped.
She wanted to see Harry be himself in her home.
She just didn't need to see that much of him.
Meanwhile, I decided to bear all to Kyra.
Hey. Kyra it's Carrie. Listen.
I feel weird about what happened the other day.
We've been friends a really long time and
it's just.. I wanna clear the air.
Oh my god Carrie. I have forgotten about that days ago.
Well I didn't. I've been thinking a lot about it and..
Man, you must have a lot of time on your hands.
Mylo. Pants stay on. I'm serious.
Penises stay in the bathroom.
Carrie, can you hold on for one second, I'll be right back. Thanks.
You know what? I am Santa.
I did a little mental addition.
Over the years, I have bought
Kyra an engagement gift, a wedding gift,
then there was the trip to Maine for the wedding, three baby gifts.
In toto, I have spent over 23,000 dollars celebrating her choices.
And she is shaming me for spending a lousy 485 bucks on myself?
Yes. I did the bath.
But those were gifts. I mean,
if you got married or had a child,
she would spend the same on you.
And if don't ever get married or have a baby?
What? I get bubkes? Think about it.
If you are single, after graduation,
there isn't one occation where people celebrate you.
We have birthdays.
Oh no. We all have birthdays.
That's a wash. I am talking about the single gaff.
Hallmark doesn't make a ¡°congratulations you didn't marry the wrong guy¡± card.
And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?
You're right. Why should I get wedding gifts?
Finding Harry was gift enough.
No. I'm thrilled to give you gifts to celebrate your life.
I just think it stinks that single people are left out of it.
So the more the story appears to be,
until I get married I won't be seeing nothing from Kyra.
- How's the? pasticcio? - It's so good. You want some?
Meanwhile, Samantha was trying to have a working lunch.
Yeah we got cut off. Look,
I need to get him three VIP seats and.
Look at you. Look at you eating your pesto.
No, I don't want any shitty house seats.
Listen to me.
No I can't have any..
Excuse me. We don't allow cell phones.
- Are you kidding me? - No.
I'll call you back.
I understand that my cell phone may be annoying to some.
But what are you doing about that noise?
There's nothing we can do about that.
That's a child.
And that was all Samantha had to hear.
Hello. I understand that your child and I have to co-exist in this city.
But perhaps you can take him somewhere more appropriate for a happy meal.
So I could have a happier one.
Shamis. That's wasn't very nice.
Well. I've made my point,
and he's made his.
Did you see a monster that smart?
That is real? And it's
Do you know what we need to bring back in this house?
Charlotte realized there was something grosser than teabags all over her house.
Her husband's tea bags all over her new white couch.
No. I feel bad.
Well I'm trying to be less rigid and I really do want you to be yourself in our house.
I know you do and I appreciate it.
And I'm almost used to the whole naked thing.
I knew it was too much. It's just me.
But I can put on clothes.
No. I want you to be yourself.
It's just.. maybe you could put something between yourself and the white couch.
Oh I get it. We got kind of a ass white couch situation here.
I will put on shorts.
- Could you? - Of course.
Miranda, you in there?
I can see your feet under the door.
- Damn. - Com on, just came by to check up on you.
Hey I've seen it all. I'm a doctor, remember?
I'm fine. Come on in.
That's not that bad.
I've seen a 7 foot tall man shinbone poking through his cabs so.
Oh. He's asleep.
Oh that's too bad. I wanted to give him this.
Oh I'm pretty sure his hand-eye coordination is a still little subpart to make the team.
If he's gonna go pro, you gotta start him young.
What are you watching?
It's just Jules and Mimi. It's silly.
What's it about?
Well that's Mimi. She's the landlord and right next to her there is Jules.
And they've slept together couple of times
but Jules may be involved with a girl who works in the sausage shop.
- In a nutshell. - He seems to be pretty into her now.
- Yeah. - I'm intrigued.
- Really? - That and my cable's not hooked up yet.
Jules. You know you didn't have tobring the rent over in person.
What's two stops between friends, eh?
I love a brother with an accent.
Do you think we'll stay friends after this?
I hope not.
Oh Mimi. You're so soft.
That night, I decided I couldn't wait for a ring.
And so, I gave someone else one.
This is Mylo. This is Allegra.
Mommie and Daddie and baby Henry and us aren't here.
Leave a message.
Hi. It's Carrie Bradshaw.
I wanted to let you know that I'm getting married.
To myself. I'm registered at Manolo Blahnik.
So thanks. Bye.
One giant step for me.
One small step for single woman kind.
Here they are. That's all she registered for?
Plus tax. And could you pleasewatch your children?
We don't want them touching the shoes.
Carrie, congratulations, we couldn't be happier for you and you Love, Kyra, Chuck, Mylo, Allegra and baby Henry
It was my very first wedding present.
The fact is. Sometimes it's hard to walk in a single woman's shoes.
That's why we need really special ones now and then
to make the walk a little more fun.
609. A Woman's Right to Shoes