603. The Perfect Present
In a single gal's life,
there are three important firsts.
The first time you have sex;
the first time you have good sex;
and the first time you seea guy-you-just-started-dating's apartment.
Hey. Come on in.
Wow. Nice. Very nice.
You were expecting¡¦
Well one never knows.
Gentlemen left their own devices.
Oh you name it I've seen it.
two foot bongs.
Dead body in the corner.
Dead body, huh?
I only went out with him for a week after that.
But ah.. so far.
Nothing in here says scary bachelor.
Hey. I really like this wall color.
Yeah. I can't take credit for that.
No. Lauren Lauren.
She was the decorator.
I'm sorry. Is that weird?
You have a decorator,
I have a decorator.
There is really no need forthe ex-decorator conversation.
Should I set the alarm? Do you need to get up early?
Nope. I'm all yours.
Good night. /Good night.
Welcome to my house.
Okay what's going on there?
Oh. That's my sound machine.
I'm a troubled sleeper.
Kinda hooked on it.
Yeah. It's the Gettys.
Officially around the rainforest.
Oh. That.. there's a bird.
Oh. I feel like I'm camping.
Not a big fan of camping.
I'll make you s'mores.
Always wondered about those.
Actually, it was a gift.
She got for me about two weeks after we started going out.
She hated it when I tossed and turned.
It was her therapist's idea.
Lauren always did everything her therapist..
Hmm. Okay. Okay.
What's so bad about frogs?
You'll see. After a while, you won't even hear it.
I could only hope he was referring to his ex-decorator's name.
Okay. One drink and then we leave.
And one drink means one drink.
Tell me why we're going to this again?
She's an old friend going through a breakup. We're being supportive.
On a Friday night?
She tried to kill herself.
It was six Advil's.
On an empty stomach.
The good news is I'm off the Zoloft.
I lost ten pounds
and after that asshole dumped me,
I realized I have this amazing gift for designing bags.
It's a purse party.
Isn't this precious?
You can take it to lunch.
Isn't life funny?
Because of that fucker,
I've discovered I'm Fendi!
When did making bags become the fall back career?
Someone should tell crazy that owning a hot glue gun does not make you a hot purse designer.
Don't call her crazy.
Look at this, I'd rather carry a grocery bag.
Ladies these aren't bags. They're baggage.
We are standing among the ruins of her last relationship.
And it was one ugly breakup.
I resent this.
The only one who should have to pay for a bad relationship
is the person in your next relationship.
True and here's hoping that isn't me.
Last night Berger started opening the ex-file.
Fascinating. What do you know so far?
Well. Her name is Lauren,
she bought him a sharper image sound machine.
She's a monster.
I mean we just started dating.
Do I really need to hear about the ex already?
Yes. The sooner the better.
Maybe it should be the later the better.
Or better yet, the never the better.
It's good tuna.
Carrie you have to know where he's been so you know what you're getting.
As long as what you get doesn't itch,
I say you're fine.
Look. He has a past, I have a past.
Do our pasts really have to have a present?
Yes. At least find out how they broke up.
That will tell you a lot about their relationship.
See I was hoping to skip all that
and start fresh this time. Is that crazy?
No. Here comes crazy.
Look at this one.
Isn't this fun?
Who needs a balding 38 year-old boyfriend
with a rectile disfunction
when you can have a new career
and cute cater waiters?
Champagne for the girls.
Hey. Doesn't that waiter look familiar?
I fucked him.
Oh. That guy.
It's that waiter from Raw also known
as the best sex I've had in years.
This party just got a whole lot more exciting.
Just one glass and we've got dinner reservations at 66. Yes?
Okay but I can't stay out late because I have a 9 a. m. conversion class
at the synagogue.
You had a 2-hour class today.
I know. I'm accelerating my studies.
There's just so much to take in.
the history, the tradition, the philosophy.
Oy! You guys!
That was my first oy!
Hi. A whole bunch of folks just arrived
so I'm gonna need some more tuna tartlets.
Oh my god.
I'm way too fucking fragile to see this.
This is my big purse party.
Does this come in any other colors?
Do I look like a fucking department store?
Get the fuck out of my apartment.
Come on you bitches.
Get out of my apartment.
Give it. Look what you did.
I cut up my bedspread for this.
The next day at Temple Emmanuel..
Soon, you'll be ready for your mikveh.
Who can tell me what the mikveh is.
It's the ceremony that marks our official conversion to Judaism.
and what does the service entail?
It's a ritual bath where we are immersed in water and reborn a Jew.
Charlotte, always the straight-A student,
took to her Judaism class like a gefilte fish to water.
As you come to rebirth as a Jew,
you'll find special and new traditions to embrace.
However, you must also bear in mind
you'll be letting go of your Christian traditions.
Many find Christmas to be the most difficult to leave in the past.
You must grieve this loss,
it can be quite hard.
And speaking of the past
It's half past two. You're 20 minutes late.
I know. I got held up.
I'm barely gonna make my appointment.
Debby had car trouble so I took a cab.
Debby? Who's Debby?
Debby, the girl I'm seeing.
Oh. So. Brady's changed and ready to go.
Don't forget the diaper bag.
And please try to have him back on time tomorrow.
I'm sorry. I'm never late. It's just her car..
Steve I don't need to know.
I just need you not to be 20 minutes late again.
Excuse me Rabbi Minch.
I was just wondering what you said about Christmas.
How exactly black and white is that?
Charlotte, as a Jew,
you have to embrace the new holidays
and let go of the old.
Keeping Christmas would be like being a vegetarian
and still eating meat.
I wouldn't go to church
or anything but maybe I can still have a tree.
But Rabbi Minch.
if you are serious about becoming a Jew,
you'll have to let go of your attachments to your past.
From that day on,
Charlotte would always think of him
as the Minch who stole Christmas.
That night, miles from the Amazon,
I was just drifting off the sleep when
Remember that red dress you had?
What? Where are you?
In California. In bed.
Oh. I was sleeping.
Yes. You woke me up.
You never used to need so much sleep kid.
I'm old now. Like you.
So the red dress.
Versace or Gucci?
That tiny little strap.
And when I stripeed one strap down,
the other would fall.
Remember that dress?
You look good in that dress.
Remember when I found you in your closet
just heels and a bra?
I came behind you
and you put your hands against the wall?
So what'd you last night?
When to bed early.
Had accidental phone sex with Big.
Brunch is suddenly looking up.
Well actually, he had phone sex.
I was on the other end trying to figure out a polite way to get out of it.
It turns out,
there is no polite way to get out of phone sex.
I wasn't aware that you and Big had phone sex.
Occasionally. Since he moved away.
You have phone sex?
Well I prefer to think of it
not as phone sex so much as a trip down memory lane.
Well the next time he calls,
just tell him that you're in a serious relationship with Berger.
But I'm not in a serious relationship with Berger.
We're still dating.
I mean it's good dating
but we don't know where it's going yet.
Well you're never gonna know where it's going if you keep reminiscing with Big.
One doesn't have anything to do with the other.
I just don't know why you wanna drag
all that Big baggage into the new relationship.
It's not baggage, it's Biggage.
And Big is no more threat to Berger than Lauren is to me.
Thank you. It's all in the past.
And on your phone bill.
He called me. I'm a lady.
Oh. Come on pudding.
Hey. I'll get you a pacifier.
Yeah. Look at all that shit Steve has in here. Oh honey.
Isn't the baby birth control enough?
They're Steve's and Debby's-he's new girlfriend.
That's her name. Debby.
Where they doing it? Gymboree?
Debby does day care?
Oh honey relax.
I have those in my mouth all the time.
Later that day.
I got to thinking about tense relationships.
And by that, I mean a relationship
and its connection to the past,
present and future tense.
At a certain age,
we've all had relationships that far from past perfect.
But how much does that past relationship
affect our dream of a future perfect?
And as I became more and more tense,
I couldn't help but wonder,
can you get to a future if your past is present?
And over at Samantha's,
a day of great sex was about tofade into the past.
Are you absolutely sure you can't stay?
Yeah I gotta pull an extra shift overat the restaurant.
I got fired from my other gig, remember?
Listen, I do feel bad about what happened.
And I wanted you to have this.
I made some calls.
That is what the A list cater is paid.
Lady you are fucking out of your mind.
The next morning,
after another fitful night of frogs.
So you're gonna be okay here?
You know it's just stupid steaming breakfast thing
with a bunch of writer buddies.
I'd ask you along but we're a pretty pathetic bunch.
Please go. And for the record,
you, my friend, are not pathetic.
Hey you gonna get that?
You know what? 9:30 in the morning,
one word. Telemarketer.
I think that's a two word hyphen it.
Hey Jack it's Lauren.
It was official.
Lauren controlled every machine in the apartment.
And uh.. call me I wanna talk to you.
Fuck you and fuck you! Bye-bye.
You don't' want your new boyfriend
to still be in love with the ex but you don't want¡¦
that is not the way you talk to your ex-decorator.
Damn, just when you thought you didn't have to open the ex-file.
So he's doing a fuck you to the ex.
As long as he keeps fucking you,
what's the problem?
The problem is what's going on there?
What big thing happened between them
that would cause a double finger situation?
And if it wasn't big,
why is he still so angry?
Does he have a problem with anger?
And here come the questions.
You're right. Men are crazy.
I fucked that waiter at the party
and he got fired for it.
So I gave him 300 dollars the next time
we fucked and now I think he's upset.
Okay. Not the same situation.
I don't see what the problem is.
It's like a big tip.
300 dollars in a restaurant is a big tip.
300 dollars in the bedroom is a big prostitute.
Well at least it wasn't phone sex.
He called me.
Yeah keep telling yourself that.
Right on time.
And I appreciate that. I do.
I'm just getting Brady ready to go out for a night with his dad.
Packing up the old diaper bag,
making sure he has everything he needs.
Bottle, binkie, Trojans.
I'm not exactly thrilled that our baby is having sex already,
but I sure am glad that he's using protection.
Haha hoho. Got your point. Very funny.
No Steve. Not funny, fucked up.
Come on, it's just condoms.
In the diaper bag, Steve?
How much sex are you having that you need rubbers in the diaper bag?
What's it to you?
Apparently, some of Miranda's baggage had shifted during fight.
I just don't think you're taking this parenting thing seriously.
You show up late to pick him up.
More than one time.
There was that time that other time when you were late.
Okay. What's you're problem?
This is not about me.
This is about your need to start taking responsibility
for your child and clearly,
there are times when you can't
because your mind is somewhere else.
What are you talking about?
Like when your penis is in some girl's vagina
and when you're having an orgasm
when our baby is quietly suffocating in the other room.
Debby and I never do it when he's awake.
Okay. Steve. You're not getting this.
I am saying your focus needs to be totally
and completely on Brady.
My focus is always 100 percent on Brady.
That night, the only thing Miranda and Steve
could agree on was separate diaper bags.
Hey beautiful, I'm here.
What's all this?
It's my last Christmas tree.
That's right so it doesn't count.
Charlotte, honey. You can have a tree.
Lots of Jews do.
Wouldn't be appropriate.
It's my favorite ornament.
Silent night holy night. See?
That's the holy family in the nativity.
This was my Grandma York's.
It's so old.
See how there's hardly any glitter left on the baby Jesus?
It's very rare to have a blue Christmas ornament.
Is that a fact?
They're usually red or green. Silver. Gold.
Keep Christmas, who cares?
I do. I'm gonna do this right.
I'm not gonna be a meat eating vegetarian.
No, these all have to go.
Except this one. We're keeping this.
What the hell? They were Jews too.
Dreidl, dreidl, dreidl, I made it out of clay.
And when it's something, something.
Dry and ready.
Impressive. Dry and ready.
Oh dreidl, I will play.
That night Charlotte realized the memory she was giving up, might be nothing
compared to the memory she was getting.
And Samantha realized, to make things right,
she would need to service someone else for a change.
Hello. My name is Samantha.
I'll be your waitress this evening.
Tonight I will be serving you.
You are fucking crazy.
Well Mr. Waiter you have no idea.
You don't know my name, do you?
Of course I do. Paul.
I took a shot.
When you're a waiter,
you must always be aware,
that the customer comes first.
It's a hard, hard job.
You know, Samantha,
I'm not just a waiter.
Oh, is that right Jamie.
Yeah. I'm an actor.
Oh god. There goes my hard-on.
It's a good thing I still have mine.
Samantha had had many waiters in her past
but to the present day,
this was her very first Jerry.
As for me, I spent another night
not sleeping in Berger's bed.
No. I can't sleep.
Frogs are fine.
Go back to sleep.
It's the frogs. I'll turn it off.
No. No, it's not the frogs.
What about her?
Okay for the record.
I was hoping to skip this and start fresh.
But what's going on with you and the double finger?
The double what?
The other day to the answering machine?
Do we need to talk about this?
She just drives me crazy.
You know, she keeps calling here.
she wants to go out to lunch for closure.
That's her word.
I would never say closure,
I mean, not two in the morning.
She keeps bugging me.
She thinks it's important in order to move on.
What do you think?
I think that it's gonna take a lot more than a lunch.
No. It's embarrassing.
She cheated on me.
That's how it ended.
She broke my heart.
And very much killed me
and I was dead. Till you.
And then there is another important first.
The first time you realized this really might be something.
You ever been that hurt?
Yep. You wanna tell me about it?
And just like that,
we moved out of the present and into our future.
How much time you got?
I got all night.
it was time to clear up the past.
Hey it's me.
Well hello there.
Have you got a minute?
Yeah sure. I'm just relaxing in my hot tub.
A hot tub? Oh shame on you.
That is such a cliche.
No. A Jacuzzi is cliche.
A hot tub is retro.
Hey remember the time when we were in the Jacuzzi in the 4 seasons?
Hold on there partner.
This is not gonna be one of those types of calls.
What type of calls? I was talking about
when you lost your necklace in the jets.
But if you'd like to make it one of those phone calls,
I'm a $1.50 for the first minute
and 50 cents for each additional minute.
What's on your mind baby?
I was just calling to tell you
that we won't be having anymore of those calls.
Really? Why is that?
Because we're just friends now.
Those are friendly calls.
I don't talk to my friends like that.
Well maybe that's why you have so few.
You got me there.
I started seeing someone.
Were you seeing someone the other night?
Yes. But it just got serious.
So. I think we have to leave all that in the past.
Consider it in the past.
But we'll stay friends.
His name is Jack Berger.
He's a writer as well.
Okay kid. Hey give me a call sometime.
Any kind of call you want.
That night in the basement of a synagogue,
after 75 accelerated classes,
Charlotte, the Episcopalian princess
was reborn a Jew.
Leaving the old Charlotte behind.
Was this tub drained before me?
Well, not all of her.
I finally figured out what you needed.
I thought about it and I thought about it
and I narrowed it down to two choices.
A palate surprise for this.
Well I already have a Pulitzer.
Well I don't like to brag it.
Well then, I choice right.
It's for a fresh start.
It's the newest sound machine
they make with many other sounds besides frogs.
I don't care for frogs.
New start, new sound.
That same night,
next to Berger and Surf Sounds #4,
I slept more soundly
than I have as long as I can remember.
603. The Perfect Present