601. To Market, to Market
When you live in the city that never sleeps,
it comes as a bit of a shocking when somehow,
you manage to oversleep.
Oh. Oh. Taxi! Taxi!
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Sir. Sir, I have to be downtown in 30 minutes.
Keep the change.
Excuse me, Hi.
Which way is the Stock Exchange?
Oh, excuse me.
? / Ok.
Oh, here, can you hold that?
Let's go. Stop. Arm.
I'm sorry. Oh. Oh,
sir. Sir, can you hurry? I'm here to ring the bell.
Go right ahead.
You have to put this onand we gotta hurry up.
Today, one of New York's favorite newspapers,the New York Stars going public,
and here at open trading,is one of its favorite columnists, Carrie Bradshaw.
You can press it.
The day after the stock market,
I met the ladies for lunch in the fashionable meat market.
It was so exciting. It almost made me invest in something.
I love the stock market. A room full of screaming sweaty men, all trying to get it up.
I don't invest in anymore. It's too volatile.
Exactly. I want my money right where I can see it. Hanging in my closet.
Actually, your stock is up. I bought some shares of your newspaper yesterday.
Really? Well thank you sweetie, was it expensive?
Oh, no you're cheap.
Well, I never.
Twenty dollars for a hamburger. Oh that's reasonable.
Pathetic. When I moved to this neighborhood,the only thing that cost twenty dollars was a hand job from a?
I'm serious. It's all gotten so sanitary.
I mean no smoking in bars.
What's next? No fucking in bars?
Well first there would have to be a no fucking section.
I mean, just look at this street. Stella McCartney, Alexander McQueen.
The only designer name that belongs in the meat packing district,
is Oscar Meyer.
I never liked his clothes. Too fatty.
But that's what great about New York. There's always a new neighborhood, a new restaurant.
A new man.
That's right. Friday night, my first official date with Jack Berger.
That is so exciting. Isn't that exciting?
Oh sure. It's all fun and games till someone has a child.
So, what do you two have planned?
Well, he hasn't said yet so many, many outfits needed to be scouted.
Oh you kids today and your dating.
I know. I feel like a girl of 35 again.
I really like him.
And you better find out his bottom line, right up front.
If Harry had told me that he could only be serious about me if I were a Jewish,
I doubt I'd be in my situation.
I don't get it. What kind of man passes up pussy for Purim?
Soup and a tenderloin of pork. What's with the face?
I didn't make a face.
I said pork, you went¡¦
But it's just I'm confused.
I mean you can order pork
but you can't get serious about a future with mebecause I'm not Jewish.
And from the meat market, to the marriage market.
Charlotte, it doesn't work that way. I'm not kosher, I'm conservative.
I'm conservative too.
Yeah well my conservative doesn't have anything to do with wearing pearls.
Look I know what you're thinking. Okay?
Why did I let things get this far without talking about this?
Why did I sleep with you?
Why did I even kiss you.
Why did you?
Because I couldn't not kiss me.
Not sleep with you. Not see you. Believe me,
I never thought a shiksa a goddess like you would fall for a putz like me.
You're not a putz.
Do you even know what a putz means?
Sure you're not Jewish?
And from Jewish to Poo-ish.
Um.. Miranda. You got a little dootie on your forehead.
Oh, now you got more. The other side.
Which side? How's it.. well help,
it's not funny! Baby wipe me. Get it off.
Baby wipe me.
I did not say it like that. Just get it off. Baby wipe me. Oh yeah. Let's see how you like it. You like it? You don't like it?Miranda, Miranda, no. Mister, mister I'm your baby. Brady help. Tell mommy to stop chasing daddy. What?
I just don't think it's fucking funny.
You weren't the one with shit on your face.
You were chasing me.
You know, I don't have time for this. I have to get up early.
I don't even know why you're still here.
You dropped off the baby hours ago.
I don't have time to stand around while you read the paper and order food in.
don't you have a life?
Yeah I got a life. Bye Brady.
Hey. I'm in love with Steve. Hold this.
Oh my god I can't believe it.
Come on, are you seriously telling me you didn't know?
Oh I knew. I just can't believe you admitted it.
I need a drink. What have you got?
It's 11:30 on a Saturday morning.
Did you not hear me just say I'm was love with Steve?
I think I got an old bottle of? somewhere.
Okay. Hold on there Brady. Mama needs a cocktail.
Last night we were in the dining room
and we were laughing and all of a sudden,
I looked over at him and I realized we belong together.
Yeah. So I picked a huge fight and threw him out of my apartment.
Good thinking. Okay.
These Triskets have been in here since the mid 80s.
I so cannot be in love with Steve.
Steve's so is not the guy for me.
You're right. Steve's so is the guy for me.
Oh no no. I was just asking ifBrady can eat crackers yet.
No. I can I have been wrongall these years?
You weren't wrong. It just took you a while to get here.
So, what are you gonna do?
I don't know. I have a lot invested in this relationship.
Plus we have the baby.
Yeah plus you said you were in love with him.
So how are you gonna tell him?
Maybe I should take him somewhere romanticwhere I can't start a fight?
Oh my god, Miranda,do you know what this means?
You're asking Steve out on a date.
Hi Samantha. /I Al.
Looking good Sam. /Hi.
That night as Samantha walked home,
past her friendly neighborhood bar the Rampole,
she saw something truly upsetting.
Just what we need. Another wall street asshole with money.
Hold the door.
I live here, see? Here are my keys.
Chip Kilkenny. I just moved in.
Samantha Jones. 3F.
I'm 4F. you live right under me.
That sounds promising. It's quite a car.
I love a nice hummer. Well. Good night.
And up time, in a slightly less obvious maneuver.
Oh, I'm close.
Oh honey. Is this all Jewish thing really that big a deal?
No. no. oh god. No. no.
The next morning, bright and early.
There's a happy face.
I am a happy face. It's a beautiful morning,
and the sun is shining,
and you changed your mind about the Jewish thing.
Wow. What Jewish thing? When?
Last night. I asked you ifit was really that important to you and you said no.
Yeah. When we were making love,right before you came.
How could you not remember?
Charlotte, honey. I can't remember my own name right before I come.
Well that's what you said.
Ask? Judiasm during sex is a clear manipulation.
Oh, bla-bla-bla. Just don't understandwhy is it so important to you?
I promised my mother I would marry a Jew.
Charlotte had had her fill of potential husbandsand their demanding mothers.
Harry's' stock suddenly began to plummet.
Yeah, right before she dies.
And just like that, it was up again.
I'm very sorry your mother's no loner with us,
because if she met me,
She would fall in love with youlike I did and not care?
No. Jews don't think like that.
Keeping tradition alive was very important to her.
She lost family in the holocaust. What?
Now I can't say anything
because you've brought up the Holocaust.
Hi it's me. Leave a message.
Hi. It's Jack. Berger. Not Carewack.
Wanted to clear that up.
So you're probably standing there screening.
Way to play it. I'm a big fan of the screen.
In fact, don't pick up or I'll panic and hang up.
Don't pick up.
I'm not ready for actual voice on voice action.
So I'm jumping right in and suggesting dinner
and a movie for the big date.
Everybody's really loving that movie 'Craig's Room'.
So, why don't we go and hate it?
Here come the movie times. We have 5:15, we have a 7 o'clock.
And he calculated which timesand which theatres would be least crowded,
which saids 'take charge' yet left the restaurant choice to me,
which saids flexible.
All and all, the perfect machine message.
I think Berger and I are gonna be very happy together.
Oh I love this time before the first date
when you can make statements like that and almost believe them.
Why all the drama?
Because I really like him.
And you can imagine what that does to a girl.
Got it. Say no more. Really say no more.
Oh, and right after he called,I got a message from this other fella,
who I've known for a year suddenly asking me out on a date
which only proves my theory;
the only thing a girl needs to get a date is another date.
Your stock is up.
And did you say yes?
No. I already have a date.
Which is why you should say yes to the other one.
I think you're putting on a lot of pressure on this Berger date.
Honey, Charlotte's right. You need to do something to take the edge off.
I'm not going on a simu-date.
Carrie, how many new outfitshave you bought for this movie.
Be honest. Six. All returnable.
All right maybe just a casual coffeeto take the edge of Berger.
Later that day I got to thinking about stock market and dating.
Are they really that different?
If you have a bad stock, you could lose your shirt.
If you have a bad date, you could lose your will to live.
And if the date is good, the stakes get even higher.
After weathering all the ups and downs,
you could one day find yourself with nothing.
So, when it comes to finance and dating,
I couldn't help but wonder,
why do we keep investing?
And speaking of high risk investments:
Hey, it's me. I'm not here. Try me at Scout, 957-7297.
don't forget the 212.
Hi, Steve. Hi. Steve.
I need to talk to you about something.
How about we do it over dinner?How's tomorrow night?
Magda could sit with Brady.
Let me know. Bye. Oh,
it's Miranda. And.. bye.
Miranda feared it was possiblythe most imperfect machine message ever.
And Samantha, decided to say it with a basket.
Hi. Excuse the tower.
I was just in the shower.
I brought you a basket filled with goodiesto acquaint you with your new neighborhood.
Cheese,?, condoms, handcuffs.
Handcuffs?/From the bar next door. Enjoy.
If I reach for the, my towel will fall.
I'm no fool.
A little while later,Samantha blew Chip. Stockbroker.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Now that's what I call eating in.
Look, I never do this but here's a tip.
Alarn aceuticals. It's gonna splint through the roof.
Alarn pharmaceuticals. Thanks.
No thank you.
That was the best effing head of my life.
Just like that, their mutual fun,
turned into mutual funds.
Later that week, I met graphic designer,Willie Applegate for a late afternoon simu-date.
It's a cute place. /Yeah, I hope it's okay. I didn't know.
You know, can't go wrong with a garden, right?
Yeah, it's great. I hope it's okay.
I didn't know. I just said that.
It suddenly became clear that a simu-datefor me was a first date for him.
Are you looking at my sty?Excuse me?
My sty. I have a sty. See, right here. I was gonna cancel but maybe,
she won't even notice it. /I didn't even.. no, I wasn't looking at it.
It's good. Oh.
What was that?
Have you ever seen anything like that?
No, I have never.
This is a bad choice of place. I'm sorry.
No, it's fine. It's fun.
It's like cappuccino, wilderness safari.
Ouch. balsamic vinegar in my sty. Ouch.
Oh god, here. Here. Here you go.
Thanks. Can this go any worse?
What, what the fuck. I'm fine. I'm fine.
It was a sudden crash, no analyst could see it coming.
And in yet another type of market.
Well I hope you're happy. Now I'm twice as nervous about my Berger date.
Caring too much is like a disaster magnet.
Can you catch a sty helping someone up from gravel?
Where's the homeopathic section?
Maybe they make something called sty-be-gone.
Did you know that Elizabeth Taylorconverted to Judaism for Eddie Fisher?
I'm thrown by the change of topicbut I do appreciate the trivia.
I'm reading her book 'My Love Affair with Jewelry'.
And she changed her religion for the man she loves.
And a big and honk a piece of jewelry.
Don't be so cynical. /Sorry, it's my potential sty talking.
Love, she did it for love.
Are you thinking of pulling an Elizabeth Taylor?
I need more information.
There's more to being a Jew than jewelry.
Wise words. I'll be at the check-out. /Okay.
Charlotte wondered justhow far she would go for her true love.
Did you know that Elizabeth Taylorconverted to Judaism for Eddie Fisher?
No, don't get too excited. We're just trading information here.
Okay. And from a not excited place I ask,is this something you might consider?
I'm just trying to understand. What's so special about being a Jew?
It's like I'm on a game show.
Serious. If this is really your bottom line,and you're gonna have to tryand give me a reason aside from your mother
that I can relate to.
Well, if we were to get married,
we're just trading information here,
I would want our children to be raised Jewish.
it was time to reveal to Harry, her bottom line.
Well if that's really the reasonthen I have to tell you something.
I may not be able to give you children.
I'm challenged in the reproductive area.
It's not hopeless, but it's difficult.
I guess I should have brought it up soonerbut I never thought that we.
I understand if you. /Charlotte. I love you.
You're the most wonderful thingthat could happen to a shmuck like me.
You're not a shmuck.
You're a putz. Seriously Harry.
You want a family
and what if I couldn't give that to you?
We'll adopt or something.
But they wouldn't be your own.
What are you gonna do?
Charlotte York was deeply touchedby Harry Goldenblatt's humor,compassion, and acceptance.
If this is Jewish, she thought,that's worth looking into.
Meanwhile, downtown,Samantha had moved to a neighbor from stockand bonds to stockings and bondage.
Go away, I'm busy.
Ms. Jones. /Juan.
Who the fuck are you?
FBI. Get dressed. You're under arrest for insider trading.
Turns out, Chip Kilkenny was quite the lady's man.
And every time a woman went down,the Dow went up.
Ma'am can you undo your cuffs,so we can use ours?
Surely. All the good ones are getting arrested.
And at a romantic restaurant,
a 30 year old single motherfound herself on a first date.
You look pretty. You got a date later?
No. it's just the dress.
Geez. It's dark in here I can barely read my menu.
We need another candle or something.
I think it's kind of nice. Steve.
I asked you here because I wanted to explainwhy I picked a fight with you last week.
Miranda. I know you wanted to pick a fight with me.
Yeah. You're upsetbecause I'm hanging around too much.
You think I'm getting too close.
But you don't have to worrybecause I just seeing someone else
and it's going really good so please, relax.
I'm not in love with you anymore.
All that stuff I said to you about Steve,never happened.
Don't mention it to anyone. Don't think about it.
Don't even so much as give me a looklike you might be thinking about it.
Like that look.
Can't ever never see that look again. Will you please calm down?I think you're overreacting to that thing that never happened.
Do you think I'm overreacting here?You should get inside my head.
Miranda, I have to say this next thingbut I will play along and not look at youwhile I say it.
Maybe if you had told Steve anyway,/Carrie, I swear to god I love youbut I will have to kill you. Brady,
come on. Work with mommy here. Please.
I'm sorry but I'm looking and I'm talking.
This is your life. You two have a baby together.
It's not high school. Isn't that Berger?
Oh god. I look like shit. You don't look like shit.
I look like shit. This is not my perfect outfit.
Are you leaving?/Bye. Oh god shit.
I was just entering the safety zone when..
there he was.
My emotional equivalent,the big crash of 29. Aidan.
Hey. Look at you. /Look at you. I had a baby.
I have a date.
601. To Market, to Market