406. Baby, Talk Is Cheap
Despite the fact that there are over eight million people on the island of Manhattan, there are times when you still feel shipwrecked and alone, time when even a most resourceful survivor will feel the need to put a message in a bottle or on an answering machine.
This is Aidan. I'm not in. Leave a message.
Strong arms! Strong arms! Earth to heaven, yes! Remember, every movement has a meaning!
I couldn’t help wonder what it meant that I wanted to talk to my ex-boyfriend again?
- I've been making faux calls to Aidan. - What?
Faux. F-A-U-X, where you dial but you have no idea what you'd say if he answered. It's emotional Russian roulette.
- You mean you call and hang up? - That's pretty much it.
Why would you do that?
I don’t know. I don't even know why I'm telling you. Don't tell anybody else.
Carrie, tell them what you told me.
That I'm not doing African dance ever again or that you can't keep a secret?
- Carrie's calling Aidan. - And hanging up!
- Why are you calling him? - I think I want him back. How do I do this?
First, you’ve to be willing to accept the fact that after what happened he might not wanna hear it.
I’m willing to accept that. How do I do this?
You don't. One word: granola. So not you.
Aidan is perfect. He stripped her floors! He just need to get rid of the turquoise rings and the tummy.
The tummy is gone. At that thing last week, he looked disturbingly good.
- He's the new improved Aidan. - Low-fat granola.
He looks good, but that's not why I want him back. I just miss him.
- Did you miss him before you saw him? - What about the turquoise?
I miss him. I have missed him for months.
You need a safe approach in case he rejects you. E-mail him.
No, I don’t believe email. I'm an old-fashioned gal. I prefer calling and hanging up.
Come on. You've got to get online, if only for the porn.
- Yeah. Would you please stop sending me those. - It's funny!
I can't get e-mail just to write for Aidan. That's pathetic.
- It’s not just email. You can shop online! - No, shopping is my cardio.
I know what you do. Don't call him. Don't e-mail. Just show up at his furniture store wearing these.
- What are those? - Fake nipples!
- Why are we carrying them around? - They were sent to me as some kind promotional thing.
Is there a Nipple Council, are nipples getting a bad rep?
Nipples are huge right now. Open any magazine. It's not that cold. Those girls are rather tweaking or they’re wearing these.
Put them in. I want to see how they work.
Samantha already leads with her breasts. It’s not very good experiment.
- Miranda, you try them. - That I'd like to see!
I'm not certain, but I have a feeling my boobs were just insulted. Cover me.
- That's it. - That's obscene! Okay, walk.
We have secretly replaced Miranda's nipples with rubber ones. Let's see what happens.
Ok, that’s it. I want my nipples back.
The next day, sans nipples, Miranda's cardio put my cardio to shame. She was training for the marathon, and running wasn't the only thing getting her heart rate going.
- Are you sure in the right group? - Ten-minute mile, right? I was here last week.
I know, the thing is we never get any cute guys in this group. All cute guys are in the seven-minute group.
So I'm the cutest of the slow guys, that’s what you are saying? Knee surgery.
- Have you run the marathon before? - The past four years. What about you?
- First time. - We should train during the week.
- Are there runs during the week? - I don't know. I meant just the two of us.
Sure. That would be great.
Miranda was thrilled, but she still wasn't sure if he was interested in anything more than a running buddy. Uptown, Charlotte's marathon redecoration continued.
I can't believe I ever questioned this wallpaper. I love this wallpaper! And I love you.
I guess we're done with this room. Time to move on to the study.
There is one room in every marriage that forces the question, "How long do we want it to be just the two of us?"
It's right off our bedroom, so... What do you want to do with the room?
- It could be a good room for a... B-A... - B-Y?
We already have enough bathrooms.
Trey and Charlotte were finally on the same page and the page had a baby on it.
Meanwhile, Samantha went shopping, nipples blazing, and picked up a '94 Cabernet and an '84 Harvard MBA.
This is nothing! It's a blip! No, we can't retract it because that’s what you say!
Warren Dreyfous was the founding partner of a communication strategy firm that made the Exxon oil spill an incident rather than a debacle.
I've got to go. Next time, talk to me before you talk to the press. Sorry about that.
- About talking on the phone or staring at my nipples? - About talking on the phone.
That night, I tried to compose my first e-mail, a witty, yet sexy, yet sensitive note to Aidan.
"l miss you." "Do you miss me?"
Across town, Samantha was getting some male as well. As a lover, Warren was fantastic, but as a communication strategist, he made one major mistake.
Samanfa, does your 'gina-wina want a widdle visit from my Mister-Mister?
He didn't say that?
It's not what he said, it's how he said it in baby talk.
Baby talk is the worst. How can they think it’s sexy? It's like putting ketchup on prime ribs. "Stop! You're ruining it!"
I know. It's such a shame, because this guy is hot! I finally had to sit on his face to shut him up.
Some men use baby talk to avoid intimacy.
- Others simply choose not to respond to your e-mail. - Aidan still hasn't written back?
- 14 hours, but who's counting? - Oh, my God! Isn’t this adorable?
- Don’t you think it’s a wee bit small? - Guys, Trey and I are trying to have a baby.
- Why? – Don’t you think that maybe you should wait a while? You guys just got back together.
I can't wait! I'm the oldest woman I know who doesn't have a baby! The oldest married woman who wants one, you know what I mean.
I'm very happy for you.
Thanks. I promise I won't become one of those mothers who can only talk about Diaper Genies.
- Good! - Look over here!
- What the hell is a Diaper Genie? – I don’t know. Someone you hire to change your kid's diaper?
- Charlotte. – Hi, Tricia.
Tricia Watson was one of those hip moms for whom Barneys would always be stores, not dinosaurs.
Cliff told me you and Trey are back together. I'm so glad. This is Mary Elizabeth.
- Hello, Mary Elizabeth. I'm Charlotte. - Pleased to meet you.
- Trey and I are trying to get pregnant. - That’s great!
You and Cliff should come over for dinner this week. We just redecorated our dining room. We haven’t used it yet.
I'd love to, but try finding a sitter for three kids under 8. I can't believe I'm 34 with three kids!
- I invited the Watsons over for dinner Tuesday and bring their kids. - All righty.
Charlotte, 35 with no kids, decided it was time to get serious.
Next day, I worked on a little piece I was calling "36 Hours And Still No Response From Aidan." The Indians had to wait up to six months for a response. It took me six months to get the message that I wanted to be with Aidan and now I couldn't wait another minute. Are all these improvements in communication really help us communicate? In matters of love, do actions really speak louder than words? I decided to take action and this time he answered.
- Why won't you respond to my e-mail? - Who is this?
It's Carrie. I was just asking if you ever got my e-mail. Shoegal. That's my screen name.
- I think I got it and deleted it. - That's not very neighbourly.
I get so much damn junk mail. If I don't know an address...
I have the opposite problem. I've received two emails in total. One from Miranda and one welcome me from AOL.
What did it say?
Just how to use the different features and, you know, "welcome".
No, the one you...
The one l...? The one to you. It doesn't matter. Do you know what I was thinking? I was thinking, you, Steve, Miranda and me could go out sometime. You know, just like as a... you know, a fun group thing.
- Sounds good. - Great. So I'll set it up? Ok.
Meanwhile, Miranda's run led to "want to come up for coffee?" which led to sex which led her to believe that Marathon Man could be more than a running buddy.
- I'm all sweaty. - You taste great.
Did you get my e-mail about our double whatever it is?
- Yes, and I'm ignoring it. - So far I'm not impressed with e-mail.
Why would I go out with Steve?
You're not going out with Steve. You're going as my air bag in case of impact. Steve's going as Aidan's air bag.
Would you explain that to Steve, because I don’t want him to get wrong impression? I'm dating other people now.
- We slept together after our run. - I guess he was interested.
- Did he live up to his nickname? - It was good. Except he kind of...Iicked my butt.
- Be specific. The cheeks? - It was more localized than that.
Wait a minute. Are we talking tuchus-lingus?
I'm afraid so. And I thought it was weird. It's weird, right? I mean, are we doing this now?
- If the guy's willing, why not? - Anyone other than Samantha?
I never had a guy do the TL on me. Actually one time it almost happened, but I got the feeling he lost his way.
Trey likes to do it. We're married.
I'm definitely in the slow sexual group if even Charlotte is open to this.
There’s something's happening with men and the ass.
It’s true. The last few guys I've been with have been much more eager to attend to it, you know, digitally.
How did this happen? How did they get the message that the ass is now on the menu?
I bet there’s one loud mouth guy who found some woman who loved it and told everybody, "Women love this!"
- Who is this guy? - Who's the woman who loves this?
- Don't knock it until you try it. - Bingo.
Maybe I shouldn't have pulled away so fast. Was this my last shot? Am I out of the ass loop forever? I can't bring myself to ask for it.
You don’t have to ask for it. Just lean into it! No words necessary. He'll get the signal.
- But then do I have to reciprocate? - No. I would never do it back to them
- Neither would l. - Me neither. - You wouldn't?
That night, Charlotte performed a more traditional wifely duty. She cooked dinner for her husband and their guests.
- Go ahead, everyone. - This looks amazing, Charlotte.
- Trish is amazed that anyone cooks. - Trish has three kids which keep her kinda busy.
- I don't want to sit next to the lady! - That's one.
- How many does he get? - 45.
- I don't want to! - We can rearrange, if you want. - It's fine.
- Do you need your inhaler? - He's asthmatic, not gonna be much in the sports department.
- Not all little boys have to play sports. - Don't talk to me like you talk to the kids.
- Martin, up here! - Fancy shoes there, Hank.
- They used to be mine. - Now he won't go anywhere without them.
- Don't talk about him like that! - Don't you talk to me like that!
That night, Trey and Charlotte didn't have sex, and they didn’t have sex the next night either. This time, inaction was speaking louder than words.
So this guy from pest-control comes over and sticks a few dead ones on a tape strip...
I, on the other hand, was full of words.
They're everywhere. So I say to him, "What are they?" He says, "Lady, I don't know, that's why I'm sending them to the lab." And I'm thinking, "This is New York, this is the pest guy. And I got something." He doesn't know what it is and that ain't good!
- I gotta take a leak, I'm laughing too hard. - Man, I was gonna go.
- And? - And we're men. We don't do that. Women can do that. Men can't.
- You should go. Break with convention. - What the hell, I'm man enough.
Do I get a say in this? We're already partners in the bar. People are going to talk.
We're going to the bathroom.
- So apparently Aidan needed an airbag in the bathroom. - You know, I think I'm ok.
- You mean, you think you're over him. - No, I mean I think you can go.
I don't even get flan?
The thing is, if you don't leave now then we're gonna have to end the night together, have to hug and share cabs according to neighborhood. And then I won't have any time alone with him.
- Yeah. Ok. - Ok. And can you take Steve with you?
Thank you for walking me home.
You live 4 blocks from the restaurant. It's the least I could do.
- Good to see you tonight. - I think I want to get back together.
I was afraid you were going to say something like that. I was willing to try the friendship thing, but I can't do the relationship thing.
But you... you put your hand on my hand.
- What? - At the restaurant. You...
I was trying to make you comfortable. You just seemed so nervous telling that bug story.
- Then I guess I should... Good night. - Good night.
Miranda didn't answer her phone. So I left her a desperate message and started to send her a desperate e-mail.
I was about to call you. I was lM-ing with Marathon Man.
Interesting. Will your tuchus be wanting some lingus?
If things work out between him and me, we never had that conversation. He's coming over.
I guess you'll be having dessert after all.
What happened to my air bag? Outside the restaurant Steve tried to kiss me!
Aidan kissed me! We kinda miss-kissed. I wasn't going to kiss at all because he said he just wanted to be friends. but then he kissed me. What does that mean? Oh my God, he's online! Can he see me?
- No. just step away from the computer. - I'm gonna go back there.
- Where, to Aidan's? - I know he's home.
Carrie, pace yourself. Send him an e-mail or something.
No. He said that he doesn't want to see me, but I know he does. His words said no, but his kiss said yes.
- That's the defense invoked by date rapists. - I know he still feels it.
When men attempt bold gestures, it's generally considered romantic. When women do it, it's often considered desperate or psycho. I was hoping to prove I was neither.
- Hi, again. - You haven't been out here since I went up, have you?
- No! I went home. - And you came back?
I came back. You see, I think... I feel fairly certain that there is still something between us.
I had a nice time tonight with you. I did. But I just want to leave it at that.
- Can I come up and talk to you for a few minutes? - I don't think that's a good idea.
- Because of what might happen? - Because it's not a good time.
I know that you're probably scared. I would be too. But it's different now. Things are different. I'm different. Wait a second. Cigarettes. Gone. Seriously, all bad habits gone. This is a whole new thing because I miss you. I've missed you. It's not just because you look so good, and you do. You should know that. I lie in bed at night and I think about us, I think about you holding me...
You broke my heart! Carrie!
Samanfa, I wuv your titty-witties!
As I was wishing I had said nothing, Samantha decided she had to say something.
You're a great fuck, but I don't need the baby talk. You don't have to call these my titty-witties. These are my breasts. You don't have to say anything about them. It's just sex and it's fine.
Warren, would you please come out of there? Can we talk about this like adults? We're not finished. I was very closey-wosey. OK, you can call them titty-witties.
I'm leaving. I've got an early day tomorrow.
Come on. Don't pout! We were having such a nice time. It was only a suggestion.
Where are my shoes?
Samantha realized she wore the nipples and attracted a big baby. Speaking of babies, Charlotte and Trey still were not.
This was delivered today.
I ordered it a week ago. They needed time to engrave it. I totally forgot.
"We had each other, and then we had you, and then we had everything. Love, Mommy and Daddy."
It's completely premature. I was just so excited.
And now? Do you not want a baby any more?
Of course I do. Don't you?
We pretty much stopped trying after the Watsons came over. Kids don't even want to sit by me.
I want to sit next to you. I knew Cliff and Tricia when they were first married. They were so in love.
And now they're just...
Parents. Maybe if we only have one child?
One to start. See how we do. Besides...
Then Trey told the lie that all parents-to-be have to tell themselves in order to procreate.
Our kids will be different.
Even though the whole experience had them a little rattled, that night Trey and Charlotte made love and possibly a baby.
Downtown, Miranda seemingly had her communication problem licked. She felt like she should do something in return.
- Would you like a massage? - I would love one.
I don't want to do that!
Why didn't you just say you weren't interested before you were talking into my ass?
This time, we didn't need any words.
You want to do this to make up for the past? Relieve your conscience? Because we're OK? I've mentally kicked your butt all over Manhattan. I'm fine now.
No. No, I just... I love you. I still love you. I just... I wish that I could be your girlfriend again.
I need to think about that.
His actions said he still loved me or maybe he just missed me. Or maybe he needed closure. Maybe I'd never know.
The next morning, due to sheer embarrassment, Miranda got what she needed: a running buddy who pushed her into the nine-minute mile group.
I still had no response from Aidan.
- Carrie! You up there? OK, let's give it a shot. - Really? Do you want to come upstairs?
I promised Pete I’d take him for a walk. You wanna go for a walk?
Yeah. Let's go for a walk. Don't move, OK? I'll be right there!