404. What’s Sex Got to Do With It?
New York City, no matter how well you think you know it, there's always somewhere or someone new to discover. I was on my second date with Ray King, who lived in Queens. Although it felt like our second service fourth date because we'd been to three jazz clubs in one night.
- I can't sing but I can chop. - Where does one learn this skill?
- Jersey Shore. - That's where you're from?
Listen. This lick right here is why I wanted to play the bass. Man! How about that? Jesus, that's sweet. Listen to that again… How about that?
This might be a good time to tell you. I don't like jazz.
Why would you say something like that?
You can't follow it and there's no melody. It's all over the place.
You've got to stop trying to make it be something else and appreciate it for what it is. I wish I had my bass. Come here. You be the bass.
Don't I have to be in the Musicians Union? You play all those instruments?
Play is a little strong. I learn a few notes, I get bored, I move on. Listen to the bass. The beauty of jazz is that it can go anywhere. It can go from here... to here... to here.
It was right about that time I started to appreciate a little type of music we call jazz.
- What did you do last night, Carrie? - I listened to jazz.
What is so funny about jazz?
Here it is. Last night, with Ray, I had... the most intense orgasm of my entire life.
I did my laundry. Continue.
It doesn't make sense. I barely know him. We've only been on two dates.
- Yet you had sex with him. - Can everyone please let Carrie talk about the sex?
The mind-blowing sex. I realize that this next statement makes me a bit of a freak, but I usually have to be in love with someone to have that kind of an orgasm.
- You might wanna see someone about that. - What the hell is going on?
- Maybe Ray is the one. - Your clitoris thinks so.
It was probably just a fluke. I'm going back tomorrow to find out.
- I, on the other hand, am on strike. - What does that mean?
- It means I'm not having any more sex. - That's not a strike. That’s a slump.
It might have started as one, but I'm in control of it now. I made the cautious decision not to have sex until conditions improve.
How many people will be affected by the strike?
So far just the one, but I'm optimistic. The thing is I can't go on any more bad dates!
I'd rather be home alone than out with some guy who sells socks on the internet.
- I'm dating someone. Someone I actually like. - Good!
- Maria. - My Maria, from the gallery?
She's my Maria now. We're having a relationship. Yes, ladies. I'm a lesbian.
Wait a second! You're in a relationship?
Yes, she just walked in so please get those looks off your faces. Maria.
- You know Charlotte. - Sure.
- And this is Carrie and Miranda. - Really good to see you!
I see you told them.
How does that work? You got bed one night and you wake up next morning, and you're a lesbian?
I forgot to tell you. I'm a fire hydrant!
I'm a shoe. I always wanted to be one and now I am.
I don't think she's not a lesbian. She just ran out of men.
Then you go on strike, you don't eat pussy!
- Did you just say, "Eat pussy"? - I did, but just for emphasis.
The truly amazing thing is I had the news tonight! I had the most intense...
Mind-blowing, I believe was the word.
...orgasm of my life and Samantha still managed to up-sex me.
- They met at my gallery. I introduced them. - You're a pimp.
Later that night, inspired by Samantha's willingness to explore new territory, Charlotte felt it was time to conquer some old territory: the bed, where she and Trey had so much trouble as man and wife.
Here we are. Shall we have a glass of wine first?
- I'm fine, unless you... - No, no. I'm OK.
If you don't feel ready...
Just because she was on strike didn't mean she had to do without. That's how Miranda discovered the perfect relationship. Jon Stewart and chocolate eclairs.
That night Charlotte and Trey enjoyed a sweet ending to their evening as well.
- Not bad, huh? - That was almost mind-blowing.
Charlotte was relieved. Now they had fixed their problem in the bedroom, she was ready to move back in to the other rooms as well.
So, what are you thinking?
I'm thinking I've never seen my John Thomas so hard. I swear at times I felt like it was going to rocket right off. What were you thinking?
I don't know. Should l...? Do you...? Are we ready to...?
Do again? Houston, we don't have a problem. Three, two, one, blast-off!
- Who is it? - It's Ray. - Hi, come on up. Shit.
- Did you and the girls run down the street talking about me? - Maybe.
- How many blocks? - Two. OK, nine.
Honestly, I'm a little hurt. After all the hours I've sit listening to you people talk about your relationships.
- You do that?
I make the courtesy call! "Do you think you love him?" Blah, blah, balh.
You just caught us off guard with the lesbian thing.
- It's a label, like Gucci or Versace. - Or Birkenstock.
This is not about being gay or straight. Maria is an incredible woman. She's got passion, talent, intelligence...
- A vagina. - A Vagina schmagina.
Schmagina? Is that what lesbians are calling it?
- Do you have information we haven't even had sex yet. - You really are in a relationship.
- Yes, I am, Carrie. Life is not all about sex. - Try to tell that to her schmagina.
I want a bourbon and I want to go down on you. Not necessarily in that order.
I really want it to be special the first time.
I'm sure that it will be special. I'm sure it will be special. Because...
- Is Ray there? - No, no, Samantha. I'm listening. I'm listening.
The next day I thought about what Samantha said. She wasn't having sex because she wanted to have a relationship. And I was having mind-blowing sex hoping to turn it into a relationship. So there you have it. We've got a relationship without sex and sex without a relationship. Which had a better shot at survival? I couldn’t help wonder: what comes first, the chicken or the sex?
That night, I decided to really talk to Ray. I figured we needed to catch the relationship up to the sex. That was the plan.
Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait! I asked you a question. Where did you go to school?
All over. Freckles on the legs. Nothing wrong with that!
It was my best relationship ever.
Meanwhile over at Casa de Lesbo...
That coq au vin was amazing. You can paint, you can cook, you can do everything.
But you brought the most incredible dessert. A bite.
Samantha decided if she was going to be gay, she'd be gay all the way.
I might not be much in the kitchen, but I'm more than enough in the bedroom.
Samantha... It's not really working for me.
It was a phrase Samantha had never heard in bed before.
Honey, I've never gotten any complaints from the men.
Well, men. I want you to look at me, connect with me. This is lovemaking. It's not a porno flick. I want to show you. I'm going to lay down, and I want you to look at my buceta. It's a Portuguese word for pussy.
Meanwhile Miranda, still off sex and on chocolate, couldn't bring herself to order the seven eclairs she really wanted so she asked for just one.
One cake, please. Which do you recommend?
I'd go with the Louvre, Monsieur Payard's signature chocolate cake.
- Sold. - That'll be 74.50.
- As in 74 dollars and 50 cents? - Yes.
Miranda decided she didn't need a cake that badly. Especially when she could make one for under $5. Every once in a while, a girl has to indulge herself.
- Trey, I'm on the mallard! - What? Sorry.
He still hasn't asked me to move back in. We make love all over the apartment then in the morning I get up and get a cab go home like a pretended new hooker!
Can't you bring it up?
No! We finally got the penis working. I don't want to scare it. Why can't I have the relationship and the sex life? One or the other?
- You gotta me. - We wanna order. Where's the lesbian du jour?
Listen guys. When she gets here, we have to talk about her relationship. She was kinda mad we didn’t take it seriously last time.
Oh, please. She isn’t having a relationship. She's just doing it to bug us.
- I don't know. They haven't had sex yet. She wants it to be special. - Really?
Then we should be supportive. This is the healthiest thing Samantha's done in a long time.
Does anybody want to split the chocolate pudding?
Hi. Tell us about the relationship. How was everything going with Maria?
Did you know that when a vagina gets engorged, it expands to the size of a fist? It's like a fabulous cave!
- I guess they've had sex. - Apparently so.
- We have three holes down there! - Ok. Stop talking about your relationship.
But it’s fascinating. They are places a dick just can't go!
Some dicks manage just fine.
- Maria has ten dicks. - For the record, you started this.
I am sorry, but a finger is not a dick.
Yes, a finger is more like a third of a dick. So technically, Maria only has three and a third dicks.
- I can tell you right now. This... is not the same as this. - Put that away.
- I'm just saying size has nothing to do with it. - What's happening to you?
I'm getting an education! Not only do I now know, everything there is to know about the glorious buceta. That's Portuguese for pussy.
Buceta, schmagina, let's call the whole thing off.
The most important thing is that Maria has taught me how to connect during sex. It's not just some animal act. It's about two people, making love.
I couldn't pick a shirt. Red? blue? I didn't know. Come on in. I'm making margaritas.
Look what I bought today. My first jazz CD.
No. You've got to hear that on vinyl.
Wait, Ray. Ray! Stop! Don't play anything. Don't scat, don't chop, don't blend. Could we just sit and talk for a while?
The gotta-talk girl. You're thinking, "Where's this going?"
I'm not that girl. I'm not any girl. I just want to talk. You know, talk. Like, where are you from? You said something about the Jersey Shores.
I spent a couple of summers there. I used to walk on the boardwalk. There was a skeet shooting place I went to with my buddies.
On the Jersey Shore?
Upstate New York, college. And pull! Why no skeet in the city? I love the skeet! I should open one in New York, maybe summer club. Canned corn. When was the last time you have canned corn? It sounds good right now. You hungry?
I had a potpie in Vegas once, loaded with corn.
As Ray talked, I realized he wasn't spontaneous and unpredictable and thrilling. He was a guy with ADD. What kind of relationship could I have with a guy I couldn't even talk to? I'd have to end it.
- You like pies? - Want to play me?
Meanwhile, uptown, Charlotte gave Trey one more chance to ask her to move in.
I'm just going to say it. Next time I'm hard, would you consider measuring my John Thomas?
- I understand. It's juvenile, I know, but I've just never seen it like this. - I'm taking a shower.
Charlotte was never a woman who cared much about penises and now a penis was running her life.
As Charlotte lathered up, she really started to get lathered up. Who did he think he was? He was her husband and she was his wife. What the hell was going on in this Upper Eastside nightmare?
Trey, I am tired of being married to your penis! I am a person! This is supposed to be a relationship!
I am done walking on eggshells! Don't talk about moving in in front of the penis, it might go soft!
The penis likes this and the penis doesn’t like that, and the penis wants to be measured!
It was just a thought.
- Here's another thought. Shove this marriage up your ass! - Charlotte, don't go.
No. I'm going home to my own apartment, where I have a lease. I hope that you and your penis have a very lovely night!
Meanwhile, Miranda was getting fed up as well, with herself.
Hi, it's me. Leave a message.
I know you're probably busy having mind-blowing sex right now, but I feel you need to know your good friend Miranda Hobbes has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it. You'll probably need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic.
That night, Miranda realized she'd been using chocolate as a substitute for sex and now she needed a substitute for chocolate.
The strike was officially over.
Just when she thought she knew everything there was to know about women, Samantha caused the very elusive female ejaculation.
- Was that good or bad? - That was very...good.
Samantha got the relationship and the sex. In fact, a little more sex than she'd expected.
I want some water. You want some water? Be right back.
Next morning, I had a new thought. Maybe Ray was like jazz. Instead of trying to make him be something else, I needed to let go and appreciate him for what he was: truly mind-blowing sex. Unfortunately, I got the feeling Ray had stopped playing me and moved on to another instrument.
- Morning, ma'am. - Morning.
You left something at my...at the apartment. Charlotte, I want you to move back in and get rid of this old apartment. And stay all night, every night. And wake up next to me every morning and be my wife.
I talked it over with my penis, and we both agree. I don't want to lose you again. Charlotte York MacDougal, will you remarry me?
Yes, Trey MacDougal. I will remarry you.
Walking home from ADD, Another Dating Disaster, I worried that there's a reason they called it a mind-blowing sex. Maybe that kind physical connection obliterates the chance of intellectual one, or maybe it's possible to find both. That's what I was hoping because great sex is great, but I still like a song with a melody I can sing to.