411. Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda
In life sometimes we find ourselves at a crossroads. In New York that crossroads tends to be busy and very loud.
- Sorry! You're waiting. I know I'm 10 minutes late. - I'm three weeks late.
- What? - I'm pregnant.
- Spare change? - I'm sorry, I only have a…
- I got it. - You are beautiful ladies. You'll make some man very happy.
- You're pregnant, really? - No, I just thought it might be a fun thing to say. Fuck.
I took three EPT tests and I'm coming from my doctor, which is why I called you to meet me way down here on the corner of 23rd and ''I'm in Hell.''
When have you been having sex? I did not mean that the way it sounds.
- Steve. - You're sleeping with Steve?
Slept. Once. Singular. It was a mercy fuck. I felt bad, he only had one Ball.
I guess that's all he needed.
No kidding. Apparently the other one was purely ornamental. God, I'm such a fucking idiot. Why didn't I use a condom?
You didn't use a…
He only has one Ball and I have a lazy ovary! In what twisted world does that create a baby?
- I see your point. - It’s like the Special Olympics of conception!
- Have you told him? - Why would I tell him? I'm not having it.
- Right. - Is it ok not to tell him? - I don't know, is it?
While Miranda took a pregnant pause, Charlotte got an unpleasant surprise of her own, her period.
- Look, Charlotte brought party favors. - I'm never getting pregnant!
Would you please move the Tampax away from my toast points?
When I think of all those women, every day getting pregnant, getting pregnant. I've been trying for five months, nothing!
Don't worry. You'll get pregnant.
When? A woman of 35 has only a 30 percent chance of conceiving. The numbers go down from there.
Numbers can be wrong.
If it's so hard, how do you account for the number of crying children on planes?
This is not a laughing matter.
I'm sorry. I thought this was brunch, not a fertility seminar.
Ok, let's all just… Charlotte, should we get you a menu?
- It’s me. I probably can't have a baby. - Don't say that.
- It’s true. Trey checked out fine. It’s me, I know it's me. - It’s not you.
Then what is it? I keep hearing all these stories about people getting pregnant just looking at each other. I do it on my head, on my side, on my back, on the top, on the bottom, on the top, then the bottom.
Now this is brunch talk.
Do you know how many times Trey and I have done it without a condom? 73. Have you any idea how much perfectly fine semen that is?
No. Samantha, rough estimate?
Enough for me to know in my bones that it's me. The big joke is I spent my entire 20s worried that I'd get pregnant. I could've screwed everything in sight!
Coulda, woulda, shoulda.
I should've been so lucky to get pregnant by mistake. Ok. What's with the eyes, Miranda?
You're just sitting there. You haven’t said a word and you're making ''the eyes.''
- You think I'm pathetic or something? - It’s not about you.
- What's not about me? - I cannot think of a worse time to tell you this.
- Oh, man. - What the ''f'' is going on?
- I'm pregnant. Steve. - Mercy fuck?
He only has one ball, it isn't fair!
Take a breath. Here, honey, have a sip of water. How could you do this to me?
- To you? - Ok, stop, please. Stop.
- What are you gonna do? - You're not even going to consider having it?
This is not in my plans right now and I really feel awful talking about this in front of you.
- Then I'll leave. - No
- You can just sit here and have your abortion talk. - Come on, Charlotte, please sit down.
She didn't mean it. All she can think about right now is babies.
She makes me sound so…
Don't do that. Ok, it's less than a desirable situation, but it happens. We've all been there.
- I haven't. - I've had two. Carrie, how many have you had?
- One. - Right, that waiter at TGI Friday's.
TGI Friday's? Please, can we not make this worse than it was? He was a waiter at The Saloon, ok? And let me remind you, in 1988, The Saloon was very happening.
You ready yet? We're approaching the 20 minute mark. Let's go!
- What? - Nothing.
What? Are you cuckoo now? Are you going cuckoo on me?
Ok, I want to tell you something, but if I tell you, you have to swear you're not gonna tell anyone.
- I promise. - Here. Swear on Chanel.
- I swear. - Ok, Miranda's pregnant and she's having an abortion. - Oh, man.
And Charlotte's devastated, because she's been trying to get pregnant. She's been having a really hard time, and it's just bad all around.
Come here. If Miranda doesn't want the kid, can't she just give it to Charlotte?
- No. It's not like a sweater. - Oh, man. Who's the guy?
See, this is the reason that you can't tell anyone. It’s Steve. And he doesn't know.
- Come on! - What?
I feel like you just trapped me.
I'm sorry, I had to tell you. It’s all I could think about. Look, I can't even pick a shoe.
- She's gonna do it without telling him. - What?
- What? It’s his baby, too. - Technically, it does not gonna be anybody's baby.
So what? It’s all her decision? It seems like the guy gets the shit end of the stick.
You know it's a tough situation. I don't know.
- You ever had one? - No. God no. Thank God.
- Look at that one, isn't it adorable? - Which one?
- The red one in the middle. I love it! - The Birkin bag? Really? That's not even your style.
Honey, it's not so much the style as what carrying it means.
It means you're out $4,000.
Exactly. When I'm tooling around town with that bag, I'll know I've made it.
- Ok, let's go, the visiting hours are over. - Byebye, Birkin.
- I'm going with Miranda when she goes. - Good. I was alone and it was awful.
Why didn't you just ask someone to go with you?
It’s not the kind of thing you list on the dorm activities board.
I lied to Aidan about having one. I don't know. It just came out. And the thing is, I think he seemed relieved, relieved that he could still think of me in a certain way. I don't know why I lied to him.
Maybe you still want him to think of you in a certain way. It happened. You made the right decision at the time.
I know, but I never told the guy or anything.
Look, you can't go down that road. Did you really want to have a child with a guy who serves burgers on roller skates?
- I could have a 13yearold child. - You could.
- But then I wouldn't have known you. Can you imagine it? - No. I can't.
- I should have told Aidan. - Coulda, woulda, shoulda.
So many roads, so many detours. So many choices, so many mistakes. As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. When that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda buckle up, and just keep going. As we speed along this endless road to the destination called ''Who We Hope To Be'', I can't help but whine, are we there yet?
For a publicist like Samantha, the road to success was paved with stars. Case in point, lunch with Lucy Liu.
- I had no idea you were from New York. - I'm a total New York City girl from Queens.
That's amazing. I just don't get ''Queens'' from you.
Look, bitch, don't start with me, 'right?
Ok, here's what I need. I'm looking for someone from New York. My last P.R. guy was really hooked up, but he was a total liar. I'm a big girl, just tell me the truth. I can take it, you know?
You want the truth? Your last Golden Globe dress was a disaster.
Thank you, that's what I thought. But the queens kept telling me it was fierce.
A girl from Queens should know better than to listen to queens.
- Right? - Right.
Another thing. I was a waitress, and twenty-five percent, very nice.
When I'm representing you, it's class all the way.
- It’s $4,000. - I know.
- And there's a waiting list. - I assumed.
- Five years. - For a bag?
It’s not a bag. It’s a Birkin.
Samantha was never one for waiting in line. So she cut right to the front.
It’s not for me, it's for Lucy Liu. I'm her press rep and I would love for her to carry this bag to a premiere next week. It would be photographed to death. Does that make a difference?
Let me get Francesca, our press rep, on the phone.
Would you? How very helpful.
And over on Park Avenue Charlotte decided she couldn’t wait any longer, either.
I'm calling to make an appointment with Dr. Peck. We're having some… I'm having some difficulty.
I think I need some fertility testing.
I would like to make an appointment with Dr. Genya. I need to come in for a procedure, I'm pregnant. And l need not to be.
A couple of days later, Samantha went down a road she shouldn't.
Hello. Francesca? Samantha Jones. Question. How the fuck long does Lucy Liu have to wait for that Birkin? If they're so hard to get, maybe you can explain why I just saw a fucking nobody in a track suit carrying the exact one we want! Lucy Liu is a big big fucking star, and she wants that bag! Is ''Hermès'' French for ''We take our good old fucking time''? Thank you so much.
Oh, my God! You scared me.
Sorry. It’s not a breaking and entering. We were playing basketball and your guy needed to take a leak.
Be right out!
- So, what's new? - Nothing. Absolutely nothing. How are things?
The bar's busting my hump, but it's pretty good. So, how's Miranda, is she ok?
- What do you mean? - I've been calling, she don't call me back.
- She's great. - Yeah? She must be pretty busy then, I guess.
- Hey, pudding. - Did you tell him?
- What? - About Miranda and the…
- No! - Are you sure?
- Yeah. - He's asking about Miranda.
- He always asks about Miranda. - You told him, didn't you?
- No. - Listen, it's ok, I can't keep secrets either, obviously.
- I didn't tell him anything. - He's looking at me funny.
- That's the way he looks at everyone. - Are you sure?
- I didn't tell him. But I think he deserves to know. - What does that mean?
- I don't agree with what she's doing. - It doesn't have anything to do with you.
Chief, you told me. I'd just as soon not know any of it.
Listen, sometimes you get in situations that are hard. You wish not be having this conversation with him in the next room. So just go. Go, because he's probably listening.
- What's bugging you? - Nothing.
- Let's go! - Tell Miranda I said hi. - Ok.
I'm on a wait list. My regular doctor doesn't do them. ''No judgment.'' That's the way she said it. Like it was all one word. ''I don't perform them no judgment.'' So, I'm waiting to see if this other doctor can fit me in. I want to get it over with as soon as possible.
- Have you thought any more about telling Steve? - No, why would I tell Steve?
- I don't know, maybe he has a right to know. No judgment. - Sounds like judgment.
- I told Aidan. - Carrie!
- I had to. - He's gonna tell Steve!
- He will not, I made him swear on Chanel. - As long as he took the oath of fabric.
He seemed to have pretty strong opinions about the guy having a right to know.
You know, I didn't think this could get any worse, but it has. Now I have to think about what I'm doing to Steve?
Wouldn't you want to know?
No. I don't even want to know, and it's me. Did you tell the guy from TGI Friday's?
Jesus, it was The Saloon. And no, I didn't. It was completely different. I was 22, we barely knew each other. We slept together once. After a drunken night at The Tunnel.
- The Tunnel? No judgment. - I was thinking maybe I should have told him.
There's no way I'm telling Steve. He'd want me to have it. You know what? You're right. Forget my life, I'm having Steve's baby. Pizza for everybody!
- Everything looks just fine. Looks good. Nope. Sorry, spoke too soon. - What is it?
- Your blood and mucus tests show extremely elevated antisperm antibodies. - Is that bad?
It just means it's gonna be that much more difficult for you to conceive naturally.
How much more difficult?
I'd give it a 15 percent shot. I would not suggest you wait much longer before you explore in vitro.
After they learned about their detour on the road to baby, Trey had to go back to the Hospital and Charlotte decided to walk home.
- Charlotte! - Hi!
- ''Hi''? Are you kidding me? - What do you mean?
You saw me, turned, and walked the other way.
I didn't see you, I just changed direction. I'm allowed to change direction.
First you don't return my calls. Then you pretend not to see me on the street?
I just… I really can't see you right now.
You have to see me, because I'm standing right here. I'm sorry about this whole thing, but it's not a personal attack on you. It was a mistake.
I really don't want to talk about this.
This is hard for me, too, you know? It doesn't make it any easier, worrying that you hate me because you think you can't get pregnant.
- I can't get pregnant. - If I can, you can.
I can't! I just came from the doctor. Here. My body is attacking Trey's sperm! 15% chance. 15% chance of ever having a baby! Is it ok if I go now?
- Sure. You want me to walk with you? - No. I just want to be alone, ok?
Ok. But I'll walk a little way behind you, in case you change your mind and want to talk.
No, I'm ok.
Charlotte walked all the way home. And even though she never turned back, she knew Miranda was behind her.
- Hi! Sorry I'm late. - Don't worry about it.
Look what I got! Some nice man dropped it off at my hotel this morning. Hermès, It’s a…
It’s not really my style, but it's a free bag!
- It’s not exactly free. I paid for it. That's my bag. - What do you mean?
There was a five year waiting list, blah, blah, blah, I used your name.
- Blah, blah, blah? - Cutting to the chase, yes.
As long as we're cutting to the chase, the P.R. rep from Hermès called and told me my rep yelled ''fuck'' at her at least 12 times. Is that your idea of class?
- That is absurd. I have never used the ''f'' word. - Who the fuck are you kidding?
Yes, I called to check on the bag. You know what? I was on my cell. Maybe she picked up some crazy person. One time I got this scary woman screaming from somewhere in New Jersey.
The only thing worse than a liar is a bad liar. I won't be needing your services anymore.
I am telling you the truth.
If I was as bad an actress as you, I'd still be serving onion rings at TGI Friday's.
That's my fucking Birkin!
And there went Lucy Liu. ALL 'cause of a lucy lie.
Meanwhile, I found myself back at a familiar crossroads, the corner of Columbus and 1988. It was amazing. It hadn't changed at all. Same table, same menu. Same waiter.
Burger, medium well. Calamari.
I couldn’t believe it. His roller skates were gone and his Tony Danza Taxi hair was thinner, but it was definitely Chad. ''Drunken night at Tunnel'' Chad.
- You ready to order? - Hello there.
Our soups of the day are lentil and tortilla. Did anyone get your drink order?
- Chad? - Yeah?
It’s me, Carrie. Bradshaw. We met, like, 13 years ago. I came in a few times, half lemonade, half iced tea? And then there was that night at The Tunnel.
- Tunnel? I never went to Tunnel. - You went to Tunnel.
- Sherry, I'm sorry, I don't remember. - It’s Carrie.
- Right, Carrie. - I'll take the lentil soup, I guess, and some crackers.
Crackers come with. Was I at least smart enough to try something?
No. You were the perfect gentleman.
I stayed in 1988 just long enough to realize I had made the right decision. Even though I was sitting in the same seat, I was in a totally different place.
Do you suffer from headaches? Allergies? Diabetes?
No. Bad judgment with old boyfriends? Yes.
I think I can write that in.
- Does it hurt? - Not really. Mostly it's just unpleasant.
- What about after? How long until I feel back to normal? - You're gonna have to ask them.
- How long until you felt back to normal? - Any day now.
- I'm doing the right thing. Right? - Miranda, I cannot answer that.
- What do you think? - What do you think?
- I think, what do you think? - You wanna go one more round?
Charlotte only has a 15 percent chance, and she's really trying. What if I wake up at 43 and find that my one semi decent ovary gave up and I can't have kids.
- That's my ''scary age.'' - Mine's 45.
This happened against all the odds. My stupid egg found its way to the three sperm he had left. God, is this my baby? I mean, what am I waiting for?
Sweetie, do you want to leave?
No. I can't have a baby. I could barely find the time to schedule this abortion.
- Miranda Hobbes? - Motherfucker.
- Take it easy. Sip slowly. - I'm ok.
- A little pillow here. - I got it.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi. I thought some flowers might do whatever it is, flowers are supposed to do in a situation like this.
I felt the same way about Entenmann's lemon strudel.
- How are you feeling? - Pretty freaked out. Charlotte, I didn't do it. I'm keeping the baby.
Oh, my God. We're having a baby?
And with those four little words, three aunts were born.
As for me, I shoulda left Miranda's earlier so I woulda been on time.
Ten minutes late. That's the charm of me.
I'm starved. They wouldn't seat me till my party was here.
- I'm your party? - Excuse me. Here she is.
We let the table go. It’ll be a bit of a wait.
- We can go someplace else. - And wait there? We'll be at the bar.
Fine, I'll put your name on the list of the bar.
- Wait. There's a wait to wait? - We'll be outside. Don't forget us.
- Excuse me. Sorry. - How's that beer?
- That's classy. And no waiting. - Nice.
I lied to you. I did have an abortion. The condom broke. Ok, that's another lie. There was no condom.
What's with all the lying?
I'm afraid you're gonna judge me. For being 18 and sleeping with a guy without a condom and getting pregnant and never telling him. There, that's the whole truth. Except that I was 22. I should've known better.
Is your name really Carrie?
- Yes. So are you judging me? - I was no angel.
- Why? Did you ever get a girl pregnant? - No. Not that I know of.
- Goddamn, it must be nice to be a guy sometimes. So, am I still your girl? - Yeah.
- Your table is ready. - Be right there.
And another thing. Miranda's keeping the baby. Don't tell Steve. It’s not our business.
They say life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. But sometimes in New York, life is what happens when you're waiting for a table.