410. Belles of the Balls
There are a million reasons to celebrate in New York City: Steve no longer having testicular cancer was just one of them.
- I only have one ball left. - I don't care who wins. It's me and you after this.
- It all comes down to just one little ball. - Who wants a beer?
- Samantha. One ball? One ball? - I’m sorry. I wasn't thinking. Was he upset?
- Embarrassed, I think. – There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. He's still got one.
Maranda, they come in a set like earrings.
He’s dong great. If it were me, I'd be sitting at home depressed.
Explain that to me. Tell me why you’d be depressed if you were perfectly healthy but had to go through life without balls?
- Well. - I was talking to Aidan.
Maybe it's bullshit, but I might feel less of a man or something.
A couple of hanging glands has nothing to do with making somebody a man.
She’s right. I once went out with a guy with the biggest balls I've seen. Complete pussy.
- How big? - Huge. I could barely fit one in my mouth.
Welcome to my world.
The irony is I don’t think women care that much about balls. I know I don’t. Do you, Carrie?
Except for yours, darling. I'm very into yours.
I have never met a man who wasn't into his balls. "Oh yeah, baby, that's it. Grab my big balls. Lick them, pull them."
- You pull the balls? - They like it. I went out with this guy...
- I'm sure you did. - Wait. Please let her finish.
She’s done. Now, I'm thinking balls are to men what purses are to women. It’s just a little bag but we'd feel naked in public without it.
- Samantha Jones. - How are you?
- Great! - Everyone, this is…
- Allan Jannis. - Allan Jannis, right, we…
- Fucked! - Fucked, right. I knew I knew you! How the hell are you?
Not bad. Just designed the new Richard Wright hotel.
I've been trying to get a meeting with him for months. Who's doing his P.R.?
- I think he's talking to Brad Rosen. - He's a hack. Get me a meeting?
- I'll do what I can. - Good seeing you…
- Allan. - I know!
And up on Park Avenue, a different reason for celebrating.
So, I told him, when I hire a contractor to do a job, I expect him to finish on time.
Good, honey, good! Sometimes they just need to hear it from a man.
A little more Mu Shu, my Mu Shu.
I saw my doctor today and I told her how frustrated we were that we weren't pregnant yet.
She said that the easiest thing to do would be to test your sperm.
Charlotte, I'm eating. Is it too much to ask to have my Mu Shu without a side of sperm?
Why are you getting so mad? We're just talking.
Hell's bells, it's only been three months! Why would you just leap to the conclusion that the problem is me?
I'm not leaping to anything. It’s just easier to test the man first. Less invasive. I'm sure your sperm is fine. No, it's better than fine, it's fantastic.
This little subject matter has put me right off my dinner. Excuse me.
- Trey. Honey? - Not now!
- Do men? - Do men what?
- Like them pulled? - How would I know?
- Do you? - Do I what?
- Like them pulled? - How do I know?
Why don't we give a little tug and see?
You wanna give a little tug? You're gonna do it too hard!
- No! - All right.
You were saved by the bell.
Bradshaw House of Pain, how can we hurt you? Hello?
Man, it's me. I'm sorry to be calling you this late. Is Carrie there?
- Yeah, just a sec. - Who is it? Hello?
It's me. I need to talk to you.
It’s really not a good time, we're about to go to bed.
It's important. Willow is totally fucking with my head, please.
All right. He's having girlfriend problems. I'm gonna be just a minute.
Apparently, dating a movie star makes you as crazy as dating anyone else.
What's the problem?
She's in town, at the Mercer. We were supposed to meet tonight. She hasn't gotten back to me.
Did you call her?
Yes, I called her. I called all five of her numbers. She never answers. Here's the thing, see she can reach me, but I can't ever get her.
Maybe she never got…
No, you don't get it. She can reach me but I can't get her, ever. How fucked up is that?
I don't know. Very? I thought everything was going great.
It was, I mean, I flew out to LA to take her to that MTV award thing.
I'd better start feeling sorry for you soon.
And then she totally dissed me. I was following her around like a goddamn dog.
I'm just gonna be one more minute.
- Listen to this message she left me. - I gotta go to bed!
No, wait, listen. Listen to this.
Gonna miss you. I can't wait until I'm in New York, in your arms. I'm in a New York state of mind. ''A New York state of mind''?
- It’s Billy Joel, we love that song. - Goodnight.
- Should I call her again? - No, goodnight.
I'm sorry. So, you still want me to give them a little pull?
No. Why'd you take the phone in there?
Because I know you don't like him calling here, that's all.
You tell me nothing's going on, then nothing's going on. You don't gotta run in a closet.
I didn't run and I went in there because I know how uncomfortable it makes you.
How uncomfortable it makes me, or you?
Me, yes, I'm uncomfortable. I don't want you to feel threatened.
- You think I'm threatened by him? - No, not threatened!
- I could take him. - Who said anything about taking him?
I’m just saying. It’s like the time Batman and the Green Hornet got in a fight. Everyone expected Batman to win because he's got the gadgets and the cape, the shit, but the Green Hornet had the moves. See, I'm the Green Hornet, I got the moves. Plus, I got Pete and he's like Kato. Aren't you, boy? Petey, come here, boy, come here! Who's your buddy? He's gonna get him. He's got him!
What do superheroes have to do with it?
I have no idea. It’s a guy thing. All I know is that in order to deal with Big, he had to turn himself into the Green Lantern.
I don't care if he's the Green Bee. I just wish there was a way for Aidan to really understand that he has nothing to worry about. Maybe I should try to get Big and him and me together.
Did you have a big plate of crazy for lunch?
We could all talk and Aidan could see once and for all that I love him, and Big and I are just friends.
Carrie, I don't know.
Seriously. Keeping my relationship with Big in the closet only makes things worse.
These are guys. They don't talk, they fight. They can't help it, it's all that crazy testosterone. God bless it.
- We're having Trey's sperm tested. - Is it not doing well in school?
We were discussing it over dinner last night and he just blew up. One minute he was perfectly happy, the next minute, furious.
That time of the month?
It’s a side of Trey I've never seen. It’s about the sperm.
What is it with that area? It’s like a minefield.
I spent the afternoon thinking about my friends. Body image depression, unpredictable mood swings, late night phone calls obsessing about a relationship. Did I mention these are my male friends? So, maybe men and women aren't from different planets as pop culture would have us believe. Maybe we live a lot closer to each other, perhaps, dare I even say it in the same zip code?
In view of current circumstances, I couldn't help but wonder, are men just women with Balls?
- Look at that. - Look at what?
- That dog's sack! - No, Thank you.
Did you know you can't enter a dog in a dog show if he's only got one Ball?
Where'd you hear that?
Around. They even make fake dog Balls. They make them for humans, too. I'm thinking about getting one.
No, Steve. Why would you do that?
Why not? Women get breast implants all the time.
Steve, trust me, I've been to the area and I swear to God, I wouldn't know if you had one or four.
But I know. Every time I look down at my nuts, correction, nut, I look all lopsided.
Women don't care! We care about nice arms, great eyes, big dick. I have never once heard a woman say, ''He had such a big, full scrotum!''
I made an appointment. I'm talking to the doctor. Will you go with me?
Where, testicle shopping?
Samantha finally got her meeting with hotel magnate, Richard Wright. Smart, tough, a real ball buster.
- I've enjoyed meeting you, but truth be told, Ms. Jones, your résumé’s all fluff. - Fluff?
It’s just parties and social events.
What is it that you do in your hotels? Nuclear fission?
I admit I'm intrigued. If I wasn't, you would've been down in the lobby having a cappuccino 10 minutes ago. Here's an idea. I'm talking to Brad Rosen. Maybe you two can get together and share the work. Five hotels, it's a big job.
I know it's a big job. That's why I'm still here and not down in the lobby having a cappuccino. I appreciate your offer, but I don't need a partner.
Read between the lines, Ms. Jones. I deal with a lot of business… men.
What are you saying? That businessmen would be more comfortable dealing with a woman if she were working next to a man?
You have a lot to offer. You might want to consider working with a partner who isn't so emotional.
''Emotional'' is just code for, ''I don't want to hire a woman.''
Exactly. They're that way at my firm, too. Think you're gonna cry over a legal brief.
- Have you ever cried over a brief? - Certainly, but only in the privacy of my office.
I cried once at the gallery, once, in 10 years, and from that day on it was, ''Careful, don't make Charlotte cry.''
I have never cried at work.
I fake cried to my editor when I missed a deadline. I told him I was having a bad time at home, but really I was having a good time in the Hamptons.
That makes the rest of us look bad.
Boo hoo, it was 80 degrees and sunny.
A guy gets angry in a meeting, he's a pistol, a woman, she's emotional.
If I say anything, like, ''I don't think that's hung high enough'' they say, ''Careful, don't make Charlotte cry''!
What does he think I'm going to do? Get my period and ruin his empire?
Yes, men, wait let me rephrase that, some men…
Good move, councilor. That will look much better on the court transcripts of this dinner.
Some men are threatened by strong businesswomen. They have to find a way to make her be just a woman again. Hence, ''You're too emotional.''
I'm going back in there, guns blazing, cool, calm, collected. I'm going to impress that arrogant motherfucker so much he's gonna beg me to take the job.
Just don't cry. Once, in 10 years!
I've gotta run or I'm gonna miss my ride with Aidan. Then I'll have to take mass transit to the country, then there'll be some tears.
The next day, while Aidan was tearing down the old shed, I was tearing through the new in Style with Big's big movie star on the cover.
- Hello? - It’s me.
What's the matter? You sound terrible.
Hope you don't mind my calling. I got the number off your machine. Where's area code 845?
- Upstate, we're in the country. - On a Thursday?
We're taking a long weekend. What's wrong?
She broke it off. She said she never wants to see me again.
I'm so sorry.
I don't even know what I did. She won't return my calls. See, she can reach me, but I can't get her.
You mentioned that. She's crazy, I'm telling you. She has the eyes of a crazy person.
Man, I was such a chump. I really put myself out there and she drop-kicked me right in the fucking heart. When are you coming back to the city?
- Monday. - Not till Monday? Fuck.
- I'd invite you out here, but it's just so far away. - How far?
It’s 40 minutes, you know, if there's no traffic, but with the weekenders and everything, I don't know, an hour, maybe even two.
- It’s Thursday afternoon. - Yeah, don't you have to work?
I have to see you. I'll get my Jag out of the garage. Maybe the drive will do me good. I'll come up for an hour, we’ll talk, and then I'll head home. How do I get there? Let me get a pen.
Hey, darling. We gotta close these windows up. It gonna rain. Did I hear the phone ring? Who was it?
It was Batman. I invited him up. I didn't mean to. I just got trapped. That crazy movie star lady broke up with him, he's devastated. He has no one else to talk to. Before I knew it I was telling him to make a right at the sign for Farm Fresh Summer Squash.
I don't want him in my house.
I totally understand. He's gonna come up here, we're gonna have a quick talk. Then he's gonna go right back to the city where he belongs.
You're my man. And I love you. He's just a friend in pain. I would never do this, but he's really hurting. Come on, haven't you ever had a girl break your…
He better be fucking upset when he gets here. There better be tears.
- Thank you. - Let's go, Pete. He's got some balls coming up here.
The prosthesis approximates the weight, shape, and feel of a normal testicle. Squeeze it.
I'm sorry. I dropped the Ball.
Now, it comes in four sizes. Extra small, small, medium, and large.
- I'd be a… Jeez, Miranda, what would I be? - Medium?
- Yeah? I was thinking large. - I'm really not an expert. Large then.
- Medium. Really? - A large medium, Steve.
Now, to get this model you have to enroll in a Clinical trial for market clearance.
- It’s not approved yet. It’s still being tested for safety. - No, Steve. No.
- I assure you, it's perfectly safe. - He says it's perfectly safe.
That's what they said about the Ford Pinto. Think about it, Steve. You want a Pinto near your penis?
And in a different urologist's office, at the exact same time.
Hi! Is everything ok? The nurse said you wanted to see me.
I'm afraid our old problem has reared its ugly head. I can't seem to rise to the occasion.
- Let's not assume it's the same problem. Here, I bought you this. - Juggs?
- I know how much you like them. - You knew I'd have a problem.
No, I just came prepared. Look she's got big boobs. Look, so does she. It’s the Big Boob Bonanza issue!
- It’s not that, it's… - What, honey?
I'm afraid to. I don't think I can handle another problem in that area.
Don't you worry, Trey MacDougal, I'm sure that you have very strong Scottish sperm. And if you don't, we can just spin them and whip them up and do whatever it is you sexy doctor types do.
- That's good. - Yeah?
- Keep doing that. Do that thing I like. - Which thing?
You know, you give a little tug.
Turned out, Trey's Scottish sperm was fine. No, better than fine, fantastic.
Where's the cup?
I have to admit, you're the best person for the job. But I'm not gonna hire you.
Give me one legitimate reason why not.
Do I have to say it?
Yes. I'd like to hear the words come out of your mouth.
Ok, you slept with my architect.
Turns out, Samantha was wrong, men do talk.
And I don't wanna get into all that.
Into all what? It happened 100 years ago! I barely know the guy! And how does my personal life affect your business?
I think the more accurate question would be how does your personal life affect your business? It’s too bad. Other than that, you had the job.
You know what? If I was a guy, you would have shaken my hand, bought me a scotch and given me a key to an office. It’s amazing. A man with such innovative vision can be so shortsighted.
Ms. Jones, wait.
But Samantha couldn't wait. She could feel the tears building up inside her.
- Come on! - Wait, not so fast!
- Close! - Ms. Jones!
The next day, Richard Wright hired Samantha. He told her he admired her balls.
When Big still hadn't arrived two hours later, I was secretly praying he'd missed the sign for Farm Fresh Summer Squash. Then, there it was, the Bat mobile.
Maybe he doesn't wanna come in and meet your dad.
- What're you doing just sitting here? - Waiting for you.
- Why didn't you come in? - I don't want to go in. Let's go have a drink or something.
Wanna get a drink, where? At a Ye Old Country lemonade stand? Why are you listening to that? Come on, turn off the car and come inside. We'll talk, all right?
- Is he in there? - Yes. - I can't talk about this in front of him.
Yes, you can, and you better. So, come on, let's go. Come on. Shit.
An hour and two bottles of red wine later, Big started talking. Unfortunately, it was mostly to himself.
''Her luminous skin ''a product of vegan diet discipline.'' Vegan diet, bullshit.
All right, give me the magazine.
No, wait, listen to this one. ''I'm looking for that someone special.'' She's not looking for anybody. Bullshit. Any more wine?
- ''Let's go have a drink and a smoke sometime.'' - You can't smoke in the house.
- That's cool. Guess I better head back. Thanks. - Jesus. Look at him, he can't drive.
- What do you think you're doing? You can't drive. - Call my driver.
We're an hour outside New York.
I'm in a New York state of mind, seen all the movie stars.
- You're gonna have to sleep on the couch. - I better not. He doesn't want me here.
- You can't drive. Sleep on the couch. - That's cool.
After the Ball plan backfired, Miranda took Steve out to dinner to lift his spirits.
Here's the book I was telling you about. A Positive Outlook to Healing. Steve, I'm starting to hit my limit.
I know. I just… I was just really counting on that fake Ball. It’s just, every time I look down there, I feel…
This may be hard for you to understand, but who's gonna fuck a uniball bartender?
Miranda realized the one thing she could do to help Steve didn't involve books or Balls.
- What's that pounding? - Aidan's shooting hoops.
- Isn't it a little early? - You have to go out there and make friends with him.
What are you talking about? We're middle-aged men, we don't make friends. We have nothing in common.
You have me in common. If you and Aidan don't become at least a little friendly, I won't be able to stay in your life.
- How do I do this? - You're a guy, he's a guy, there's a ball, figure it out.
Hey, man. I'm sorry about last night. I guess I got a little drunk. I didn't mean to come up and ruin your weekend or anything. You play hoop? Here, why don't you give me a shot? I play a little.
A little muddy, I guess all that rain.
- Watch it, man. That was a little hard. - That wasn't that hard.
There they were. Batman and the Green Bee.
Stop it! Stop it! You're middle-aged!
- That dog just bit my ass! - Pete!
And just like that, Kato stopped the fight.
And the thing is, see she could reach me but I could never get her. Day or night, whenever she could reach me, I couldn't get her. See?
- That's fucked up. - Yeah.
Somehow, the storm had passed and I never fully understood why. Ok, maybe men and women don't live in the same zip code, but we're moving closer.