306. Are We Sluts?
You can count on one hand the things a New Yorker will wait for. My list includes: the perfect rent control apartment, the chocolate souffle at Le Bernardin, and the annual Manolo Blahnik sale. After four sublime dates with the furniture designer whose kiss made my knees weak, this New Yorker had waited long enough.
So, do you wanna sleep over?
I have to feed Pete. I have to get up early in the morning.
Apparently, that New Yorker had not.
People always say when one door closes, another one opens. At 2:00am, the door that was opening was Samantha’s.
What's going on?
Freda in 1D was held up at gunpoint.
Oh, my God!
It's under control. We have the suspect on tape.
How did he get in? This is supposed to be a safe building.
It was late. Doorman was off duty. Apparently he entered behind somebody's guest.
Clearly the guy came in behind the guy who came in Samantha.
- Who has a guest at 2:00am? - I have no idea.
- What did everybody do last night? - Nothing.
- Nothing. - I don't want to talk about it.
What happened? Did you sleep with someone on the 2nd date?
No. It was the 3rd date. Alexander Lemly, the investment banker I met at an art collect show.
- The sex was bad? - It was good, except... I don't think I can say it.
- Get over yourself. - What happened?
When he... You know.
Came, orgasmed, shot his wad.
He said: You fucking bitch! You fucking whore!
- Why would he say that? – Maybe because you were fucking him?
He didn't say it at the drycleaners, but when he was in you.
- Do you think I'm a whore? - If you're a whore, what does that make me?
- Do you think I'm a whore? - You have had a dish amount of bone in you.
This is bad. Nobody wants to marry a whore.
What's bad is that even Charlotte is having more sex than I am.
What about Aidan?
I don't know what's going on. Clearly he is attractive. We're spending a lot of time together. He keeps asking me out. But he doesn’t wanna sleep with me.
- Gay. - He's not gay.
- Mother issues? - I don’t think so.
Maybe his dick curves to the right.
If it does, we'll work it out. I'll go left. The thing is I may never know.
You’d better be careful. You wait too long to sleep with someone. You miss the window and become just friends.
As supposed to his fucking bitch, his fucking whore.
If Samantha was right, I had very little time left before the relationship-window closed forever. So I wore my very little dress that left very little to the imagination.
Do you want to take this inside?
- I better get home. I gotta... - You gotta get up early. Whatever.
- What's going on up there? - Do you just wanna be friends?
I don't know. Is that how you kiss your friends?
Why don't you wanna sleep with me? Whatever it is I'd rather know sooner than later.
I do wanna sleep with you. I do. Look at you. I’ve been down that road before. I've slept with women quickly and I'm still single. So my new thing is, I want to try and sleep with somebody I care about. I really think that I can care about you. It's only been a week and a half. Don't people date anymore?
Why did I expect to sleep with him after only a week and a half? Had I become so jaded that I didn't recognize romance when it kissed me on the lips? Maybe modern women need a cheat-sheet to remind us romance isn't dead.
Romance. I’m telling you, it didn't even occur to me, which is so depressing. Is that what 13 years of dating in Manhattan does to a woman?
I'll tell you what it does. It gives you chlamydia.
My gynecologist called me today. My tests, which she threw in for good measure, came back positive. It's not terrible. There aren't any symptoms, but it can cause infertility. I guess it's good I caught it. I mean... Not that I caught it, but that I found out.
Do you think you got it from Steve?
I don't know. It’s the first time I’ve been tested. It could be any number of guys, which is what I said to my gynecologist. Frankly she seemed a little judgmental. She told me that I should contact all the people that I might have given it to, so they can all be treated.
I knew what was bothering Miranda. It was the same thought that was bothering me ever since the guy I'd been seeing for 10 days asked me to slow down. If you're a 30 something woman living in Manhattan and you refuse to settle and you're sexually active, it's inevitable that you'll rack up a certain number of partners. But how many men is too many men? Are we simply romantically challenged or are we sluts? It was certainly the question on Charlotte's mind.
- How's your swordfish? - Fine, thanks.
- You're awfully quiet tonight. – I am sorry, my mind is somewhere else.
You fucking bitch! You fucking whore!
I hate putting people out of work, but it happens after a merger. Maybe I should teach ESL on the side. Are you sure you're OK?
Actually...what you said the other night kind of bothered me.
What did I say?
You know when we were in bed and you... You yelled out something.
- During my sleep? - No, during sex.
I don't remember saying anything. I remember it being very nice. What did I say?
You know what. It’s not important. I’m sure it was in the heat of the moment. Never mind. Do you want to try my swordfish? It really is good.
By dessert, Charlotte had decided to forget the whole incident and call it a do-over.
- You fucking bitch! Fucking whore! - That! That's what you said.
- What? - Just then. You said it again.
- What did I say? - You fucking bitch, you fucking whore.
My God, are you sure?
That's terrible. That's a horrible thing to say. I had no idea. I just get lost in the moment. I don't think that about you. Believe me, you are sweet, smart and lovely. You are the kind of woman I hope to marry some day. I promise never to say that again. That’s terrible.
As Charlotte was starting to feel better, Miranda was starting to feel worse.
Steve, can we not?
I'm just getting started. I'm only at the neck. Maybe you'll change your mind when I'm down around your elbows.
I can't tonight, I have chlamydia.
I don't even know what that is, but it sounds like a problem.
It's not a big deal. It's just a sexually transmitted disease. I might have given it to you or you might have given it to me.
Either way, you should probably get tested.
I’m afraid of doctors. I don’t even have one any more.
Go to the free clinic. Whatever.
What's gonna to happen to me? Does it hurt when you pee or something?
No, men are just carriers, there aren't any symptoms at all.
Then, why do I need to know?
Because if you don't get treated, you could pass it on to other people.
But you're my only other person, and you already have it.
Yeah, but see, if you've got it, they'll just keep passing it back and forth. Plus I'd rather not sleep with you until this thing is out of my body. And I've got six more days of antibiotics. So would you please just go take care of it? Just go, get it over with.
Steve’s trip to the doctor didn't cure his fear of doctors.
Drop your trousers.
There's nothing going on down there. I'm just here because my girlfriend said to get the test.
I need a sample from the inside of your penis.
As Steve faced something every man dreads, Miranda faced something every woman dreads.
She was making a list of all the men she'd slept with. At least all the ones she could remember. She started to wonder how she did all these men and did her law degree and became a successful lawyer. Samantha knew her number was up there. But she didn't know everybody else knew.
- We know it was you who buzzed in the gunman. - Excuse me?
You always have guests come in. Every time I'm in this elevator you're with a different man.
This is your floor.
The next day, Miranda's sex life was flashing before her as well.
Thanks. OK. Sorry to bother you. Congratulations. Now you're married, you don't have to worry about stuff like this. Bye-bye.
Miss Hobbes, line two is still holding.
- Miranda Hobbes. - Hi, it's David, returning a call.
- How have you been? - Lousy, I'm partner. All work, no play.
- What do you want? - It's kind of awkward.
- I'm kinda busy, spit it out. What is it? - OK. I've got this... It's chlamydia. Which is...
- I know what chlamydia is. - Perhaps you should get tested.
- I’ve been tested. - Recently?
- Yes. Is that it? - Yes. No. Did you have it?
Is that your business? You call me after months to discuss my health? Yes, I had it. So what?
Perhaps you gave it to me.
- What are you gonna do, sue me? - You could at least have called me.
- You told me never to call you again. - Now I remember why. Bye!
Meanwhile, I was still waiting for the diagnosis on my relationship. Would Aidan become friend or boyfriend?
Delivery for Miss Bradshaw.
It's about time. I ordered this years ago.
He certainly kissed like a boyfriend.
- Don't you have two matching plates? - No.
What do you use for wine, promotional coffee mugs?
But he teased me like a friend.
I don't care what anybody says. I think Catherine zeta-Jones is hot.
Not as hot as you, but she's hot.
Boyfriend. And liar.
- I think Samantha was right. - About what?
Me and Aidan. I think we're just friends who kiss occasionally.
- Why are you whispering? - Because he's still here.
He's been in the bathroom for half an hour. All we did was eat Chinese take-out and watch "Zorro". Now I'm working and he's reading the paper on the john or something. This isn't romance, this is bullshit.
- Carrie! - Yeah?
Come here a second.
I have to go. My friend wants to see me in the bathroom.
What did you want, because...
Wow. It’s like a Danielle Steele novel in here.
From a writer, I'm pretty sure that's an insult.
No, this is... Wow.
I thought a bath would help you relax. You seemed kind of tense.
Are you sure this isn't just a cheap ploy to see me naked?
Will you be naked?
That's the thing about baths.
This is about you, so enjoy. I'm gonna get going. But that doesn't make us friends because I'll be thinking about you naked.
Big tub, little person.
You talked me into it.
So now what?
Now what, what? We're just taking a bath. Fuck it, let's just do it.
This isn't how it is supposed to happen. You said this was just a bath.
- Come on, who cares? - You do. And I do too now.
OK. Out of the tub.
The next night, Samantha was feeling exposed.
Here she comes.
- Good evening. - Hello.
If you wanna say something about me, say it to my face.
You're bad for the building.
- What? - You have too many visitors.
There are always men in the hall.
I got robbed because of you. I can't close my left eye.
They practically chased me with torches like I was fuckenstein.
Oh, relax, they can't evict you for having sex.
Of course not, they're just jealous. They're such dried up old farts who haven't had sex since Eisenhower. And I remind them of what they can't have. It might be time to move.
No you can't move! You have a rent-control apartment on the Upper East Side.
Honey, this isn't rent control, this is life control.
I have to go. I have another date tonight with Aidan.
A date? Don't tell me you're not having sex yet.
- We're not having sex yet. - What are you doing?
Tonight, for example, we're going to a blues club.
Who's singing, you?
We'll have sex eventually. By the way, I got a little preview. I assure you, there is no curving in any direction. It is straight, very very straight.
That night, Charlotte had a date as well. And he was doing his best to be the strong, silent type.
- What's the matter? - I'm afraid to come.
What are you talking about? I'm close. Go ahead.
You fucking bitch, you fucking whore! I hate myself, what's wrong with me?
That night, Alexander decided to stop seeing Charlotte and start seeing a therapist.
And Steve got his test back. It was negative, like the rest of the experience.
That doctor with the swab... Ouch! I don't even want to swab my ears any more.
It's my fault. I'm the one with the disease. I'm a big, dirty, diseased whore.
That's my girlfriend you're talking about.
You know what? I had to make a list of all the guys I've slept with and it's not short.
- How, not short? - It's... No, I can't tell you. I've never told anybody my number.
- I'm just curious. - You promise you won't judge me?
- Look who you’re talking to. I spent a day at the free clinic. - OK. It's like, about...42.
- 42? That's not so bad. - That's too many.
- It’s fine. - What's your number?
- I'm not telling you. - Come on.
It's embarrassing. I've had enough embarrassment for one week.
- What is it? Ten? - Higher.
- 60? - Higher.
- Higher than 60? A lot higher? - I’m a bartender and I’m cute.
Note, men who have had a lot of sexual partners are not called sluts. They are called very good kissers. A few are even called romantics.
I can't believe you've never been to the Blue Note before. Call yourself a New Yorker.
I've never done a lot of things.
I can think of one thing in particular.
Nope. That I've done.
I can think of one other thing. What do you think about me staying the night?
I don't know. What about Pete?
I arranged for the super's kid to walk Pete and feed him.
And you knew this all night?
And then something weird happened. For the first time in a long time, I was nervous. Aidan and I were going to sleep together and it was going to mean something. I was no virgin, but this was definitely virgin territory.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
OK, that's what I wanted. Bye.
The nice thing about a new relationship, it's a clean slate. And speaking of clean slates, Samantha moved to the hot and trendy Meatpacking District.
Good morning, ladies.
Where whores were whores, men were women and rents were much much higher.
Easy, that's my bed. Come on.