305. No ifs, ands or Butts
One of the reasons some people still risk the possible horror of a first date, is the possible magic of the good-night kiss at the front door.
-That’s was so good. - I had a great time.
So did l.
The world slows down just for a second as some people take that hopeful lean into a possible future together.
All around my mouth. How do you think I felt? His tongue actually licked my teeth.
I don’t get it. Did he wanna fuck you or floss you?
Bad kissers are the worst.
The worst. When it comes to the worst, they are the top. The top of the worst.
He has sweet lips. I thought he’d be a good kisser.
That’s the scary thing you can never tell. They look totally normal.
Until their pointy tongue darts in and out of your mouth.
Stabbing a little Pointy tongue. That’s the Worst of the Worst.
What’s the worst is when they expect you to do all the work. Their tongue just lays in your mouth like a clam.
Clam-mouth. That’s the worst.
At that point I said, Get the thing out my mouth, put it in a cab and take its lazy ass home,
You dumped a guy because it was a bad kiss?
You have to. If their tongue just lay there, what is their dick gonna do?
Maybe we can work on it.
No. Dump them. A bad kisser is a non-negotiable.
I'm not gonna dump Brad just because of that.
Then my suggestion is change his name from Brad to Bad.
But I really like him. I did until...
Until his tongue was in your stomach?
I am going to ask you ladies to hold it down? This is a respectable restaurant.
Adeena williams was my newspaper’s former food editor. And the chef and proud owner of Fusion, a restaurant whose specialty was a mingling of trendy food with soul food. Martha Stewart meets Puff Daddy on a plate.
Poached salmon with Okra?
Trust me. This time next year, Okra will be the new Ed Mommy.
Sis, we are leaving. You wanna say goodbye?
This is my successful brother who brings me tons of that juicy music industry business. I gotta go, but I’m sending over dessert.
- No. - Pecan and praline pie.
Didn’t we meet at the Columbia Records party for Jennifer Lopez?
I don’t think so. My PR firm handled it. But I’m sure I’d have remembered meeting you.
I guess I just saw you. Chivon Williams, I used to rep for...
Tommy Boy Records. I remember from the guest list.
- You’re good. - Samantha Jones, if you ever need me... for a party.
Ladies, I apologize for interrupting. Have a pleasant evening.
You too. bye.
Could he be any cuter?
You gotta love a fella who loves the jewelry.
That is one fine-looking man. I’d like to get some of that.
- Don’t talk like that. - Like what?
Relax with the Negro liberal reaction. That's not black talk. That’s sex talk.
First of all, it isn’t black talk. It’s African-American talk. You shouldn’t be talking like that at all. It’s rude and politically incorrect.
As a reminder, Samantha is rude and politically incorrect.
She’s an equal opportunity offender.
Precisely. I don’t see color. I see conquests.
Talk about affirmative action.
The next morning I had just settled down with a coffee cup full of fresh coffee and a coffee table full of fresh fashion magazines, When...
- Who is it? - Mr. Right. Have you seen The New York Times style section?
I can’t handle hard news before noon.
There’s a beautiful man down town selling beautiful furniture. We’re going.
I got a whole afternoon planned with Australian Vogue. I’m not gonna drop everything to go downtown to see some cute guy.
- He’s straight. – I’ll get my purse.
All these people with nothing better to do than ogle some craftsman. Pathetic.
Look at this place. Nothing but baguettes and faggots.
If you see anything you like, say tell them you’re a designer. These places always give a discount. That’s how I got $50 off my end table.
You’re a classy guy.
His name was Aidan Shaw. He was warm, masculine and classic American. Just like his furniture.
Jesus Christ. The dog is overkill.
- Go get him. - Excuse me?
He’s perfect for you. I’ll come visit you and the children at your country cabin upstate.
We’re staring. Look away.
His name was Marty Mendleson. He was warm, stylish and classic gay. Just like his outfit.
He’s a fantastic designer. And single.
Go get him. I’ll come visit you and your swatch at such a country cabin upstate.
Hey, doggie. Hi. Bad doggie. Down.
Pete, there you go.
You should get that creature a chew toy or something.
To his credit, he picks the best-looking ladies.
You can’t imagine how flattered I am.
- I'm Aidan. - I'm humiliated.
My fault. I shouldn’t let him run loose in the store.
This is your store? I had no idea.
As soon as I heard the lie come out of my mouth, I knew I was kinda interested.
- This is a beautiful chair. - This is my favorite piece in shop.
You say that about every piece, right?
Not really. This leather is about 100 years old. I stripped it off an old railroad car seat. Feel this.
- Soft? - I’ll take it.
I wasn’t really in the market for a big leather chair. But suddenly I had to have whatever it was I just felt.
I’m a designer. Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie Bradshaw Designs.
Let’s see. With the designer discount and dog humiliation factor... How's that?
- How soon can it be delivered? – End of the week.
In New York City retail lingo, that meant “l kinda like you too”.
Cool, I just gotta a couple of questions. Where do you want it delivered and can I take you out for dinner some time?
Will you knock another $10 off?
The dog humping aside, it was one of those perfect New York Saturdays.
And uptown at Miranda’s, Steve was having an even better Saturday.
- Guess what happened? It’s so fucking great! - What?
You know how at half-time at the Knicks game they pick somebody try to make a half-court shot for a million dollars prize?
Kind of, but go ahead.
Next Tuesday, it’s me. They picked my name from the contest I entered at Sam Goodies.
It’s not great. A million dollars. It’s fucking great.
It is fucking great. But don’t get your hopes up. It’s kinda a tough shot, isn’t it?
For other guys, but they don’t have my moves, see? You know the problem here, miss? You don’t know how good I am. Don’t let these legs fool you. I’m fucking great.
I like your little legs.
Let’s go down to the playground right now. I’ll show you.
No, please. I believe you. You’ve got the moves.
I don’t want no charity. Seeing is believing. Next Saturday, you come down to the playground and watch me shoot. Promise?
- That’s Ralph Lauren paint. - I’ll buy you more. I’m fucking a millionaire.
I have a crush.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You haven’t had a real crush in a while. Not since Big.
Big wasn’t a crush, he was a crash. His name is Aidan. And I believe him to be very cute. So cute, I bought a chair I couldn’t afford just because he made it.
Did he ask you out? So the chair is a write-off. I haven’t had a crush since Sean Cassidy.
Sadly, yes. At this age I’d have to say I’m crush-proof.
What about Steve?
I forgot about my boyfriend. Is that normal?
You’re asking me?
Steve thinks he’s gonna win a million dollars.
You told me.
I guess I have to repeat it until I believe it. It’s totally illogical and he wants me to be all supportive.
Well, what? It's a half court shot, there are actual Knicks who can’t make it. I would have no trouble supporting him if it was a real dream like opening his own bar or something, but this is just silly.
Isn’t that what you couples do, support each other’s silly dreams?
You’re asking me?
Later that week, Chivon invited Samantha to go uptown and hear an artist he was thinking of signing.
Back in the line, motherfucker.
Although Samantha had been in the New York club scene for years, this was her first time she’d expect to spread without being offered a cocktail.
This is DJ Oldman.
Within a matter of minutes, Samantha felt perfectly at home in Chivon’s world.
Hi, guys. I’m Samantha.
Within a matter of hours, Chivon was perfectly at home in Samantha’s home.
Do you like this groove? It’s the new kid.
It’s so soft. I thought all rap had a harder edge.
They can be hard or soft, like you. You have so much attitude up front. Look at you now. Soft, sweet...
Who do you think you’re fooling?
I don’t usually sleep with men who have nicer accessories than me. Where did you get these fabulous earrings?
Where else? I hope you can sleep in a little.
Samantha rarely asked a man to stay over, but she couldn’t resist having breakfast with his Tiffanies.
One of the reasons some people still risk the possible horror of a first date, is the possible magic of the good-night kiss at the front door.
My dog is obsessed with you. He kept me up talking all night. “Her leg, man”. I had to say, “Pete, let her go. It’s over”,
I have a confession to make. I’m not a designer. I’m a writer.
What was that? Fiction?
I wanted the discount. It’s shameful, but true. But don’t worry. I only lie about furniture, nothing else. Are you upset?
- You smoke? - Just a little.
The minute the lie came out of my mouth, I realized just how much I kinda liked him.
If it bothers you, I’ll just... I had a great time.
- I can taste that cigarette. - I’m sorry, I have an Altoid.
Carrie, I think you’re...
I totally get it. I have a mint here. They are curiously strong. Can you just hold that for a second?
Sure. I don’t wanna be a jerk, but I can’t date a smoker.
It’s a thing I have.
I couldn’t believe what my crush was saying. I was crushed.
Later that night, I couldn’t help but wonder, when the hell did dating become so dump-friendly? What happened to the time when a bad kiss or a cigarette or even a ridiculous dream was part of a person’s portfolio? In today’s volatile dating market, is it wise to liquidate certain stocks, the first sign they might not perform as well as expected? Or are there certain things one should try and negotiate? In relationships, what are the “deal breakers”?
I think it’s really sexy when you lightly touch your lips to mine.
Never one to trade a stock before it had matured, a determined and patient Charlotte tried to teach Bad how to kiss good.
You like that?
And I like it when you slowly open your mouth and just sort of tickle my lips with the tip of your tongue.
You like that?
With just a little gentle negotiating, Brad’s stock suddenly began to rise.
Stop it! You’re sucking too hard. And my mouth is up here.
- Is there a problem? - I can’t do this. You're a bad kisser.
C’mon. It’s my thing. Where are you going?
Downtown at Marty Mendelssohn’s, others were experiencing a much more successful first kiss.
Let's move it to the bedroom.
These are my dolls. I’ve been collecting them for years.
I had no idea.
This is the Queen of Siam. She’s my favorite. Bisque china face. she’s a real collector’s item. And this is Mary, Queen of Scots.
Are they all queens?
No. Just the ones from Madame Alexander’s. Help me clear the bed. No, the southern Belle sits on the table.
Stanford wondered if he was enough of a queen to make love to a queen who collected queens.
Uptown at Fusion, Samantha felt a bit like a queen herself.
Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight?
What’s up, genius?
Genius, over-tired ass is dragging all over this restaurant. Aunt Alice and her friends are leaving, if you want to pay your respects.
Favorite aunt. I’ll introduce you.
Aunt Alice is out of the door already. You go and I’ll talk with Samantha.
How is everything?
Chivon is right, you are a genius.
Now I have a non-food related question. What’s going on between you and Chivon?
- What do you mean? - You’ve been in here together like two or three times.
Well, we’re dating. Why?
So you’re not just fucking?
Not that’s any of your business, but no, we’re not just fucking. We actually really like each other.
I don’t want you seeing my brother.
- Excuse me? - I don’t approve.
- You don’t know me...
Let’s not get personal here. I’m sure you’re a very nice person, but you’re White. I have a problem with my only brother getting serious with a White woman.
Apparently to Adeena, Samantha’s skin was a non-negotiable.
- How can you even say that to me?
That’s how I feel. I’m never going to approve and my approval means a lot to my brother. So why don’t you just save us all a lot of time and trouble and get out before anybody gets hurt. I'll send over some Mississippi mud pie.
Samantha realized the only place Adeena was interested in fusion was on a plate.
Talk about politically incorrect, she can’t dis me just because I’m White.
Please tell me you didn’t say dis.
Maybe you should stop seeing him. Race is a very big issue.
There is no reason to bring race into this.
Chivon is a sweet man. We have great sex. He happens to have the biggest...
Black cock. We know he has a big black cock.
I was about to say the biggest heart. But, yes, he does have a big black cock.
It’s big African-American cock. Right, Charlotte?
- Don’t make fun of me. My chin hurts. - Exactly what happened there?
He raped my face. I’m never seeing him again.
To Charlotte York, a black and blue chin was a deal breaker.
I’m not about to back down to her. That’s not just who I am.
Samantha is right. She shouldn’t sacrifice who she is because somebody else has a problem with it. It’s like me and smoking. It’s too bad Aidan had a problem with it. But you have to accept people for who they are.
- You choose cigarettes over a cute guy? - He’s not that cute.
You bought furniture, he was so cute.
For him to dump me like that over a little thing like smoking.
Smoking is not a little thing. It’s a dirty and disgusting habit, and you’re killing yourself.
Really Carrie, we all hate it. We just put up with it because we love you. Now you have a reason to quit. So quit.
I really don’t appreciate being ganged up on.
Who’s ganging up on you?
Smoking is a part of who I am. I’ll quit when I want to quit. It won’t be because a cute guy told me to. Right, Samantha?
No. Fighting a battle for Chivon is one thing. But holding on to those nasty cigarettes…well that’s just whack.
Please tell me she didn’t just say “whack”.
It's all total bullshit. What is wrong with cigarettes?
Nothing, they’re fabulous. It’s not like you have a hideous doll-collection or something.
You think that’s an overreaction to a repressed childhood?
Who cares? It’s fucking freaky. I was willing to overlook his receding hair. But the dollies? No.
So, it’s “Goodbye, Dolly”?
It's too bad. I kind of liked him.
Well, Stannie, if I may call you that. Maybe you should reconsider? When was the last time someone you had a crush on asked you out?
You’re no one to talk, Miss Marlboro Lights.
You’re right. I am no one to talk. Maybe I could quit, just a little. Till I see what’s up. Et tu?
Fine. But I just can’t see myself getting all excited because my boyfriend’s three-foot Lady Di doll is arriving from Qvc.
OK. Books away. Let’s go. Time to go shoot hoops.
I can’t. I got behind on this file.
No, you don’t. Let’s go. C’mon. You promised.
The messenger is overlaid. This has to be ready first thing on Monday. I don’t have time to watch you shoot hoops.
I ask you to do one thing, one time for me and you can’t do. What the fuck is that?
What the fuck is with the attitude?
You know how many law things I bent to, how many times I do what you want?
Why are you getting so upset? It’s just a stupid half-court shot.
Not to me it's not. Why do you always have to be so pessimistic? You can’t make that shot.
Steve, come on.
It’s not just the shot. It’s everything. We can’t move in together. This is gonna work. This is ever gonna work? I need you to believe in us a little more. I need you to believe in me, even if you think it’s fucking stupid.
All right, hot shot. Show me what you got. Nice legs! Very nice!
This is for the big money!
Steve never did win the big money at Madison square Garden. But having Miranda show up for him that day made him feel like a million bucks.
- You were robbed! Do over! - OK.
- Don’t get any ideas. - Pete. Let’s go.
This isn’t fair. He was just starting to get over you.
Look. Since you negotiated such a good price for me on the chair, maybe I could negotiate a little deal for you on the smoking.
What kind of deal?
I've been thinking about quitting anyway, so why not now. Ta-da. No cigarettes.
Can you do that?
See, I think maybe you think I'm more of a smoker than I actually am. I only have like, a cigarette with cocktails.
I’m just about done here. Do you wanna get some coffee?
The second he said coffee, I knew I kinda wanted a cigarette.
I'd love it.
It was one of those great early dates when you have so much to say that coffee turns into a movie, a movie turns into a long walk and a long walk turns into the beginning of cold turkey rehab.
Would you like to get a bite, eat dinner?
I was completely ready to trade in my crush when it dawned on me how much I was willing to give up for a cigarette.
Maybe a quick bite.
Her name is Sheeba. She’s French.
Meanwhile, back in the valley of the Dolls, Stanford thought there was something more rare than a porcelain French face...his passion.
Wait, the dolls.
To Marty Mendleson, a broken face was a deal breaker.
Uptown Samantha was about to come face to face with her deal breaker.
- What’s up? - You tell me. I just got here.
You know Samantha. What’s my favorite girl drinking?
- Champagne. - Marguerita.
Coming right up.
What are you doing here? I told you I don’t want you dating my brother.
I’m a lovely person. At least get to know me, then hate me.
This is not a game. This is my brother we’re talking about.
For a woman with such a progressive view of world food...
- That’s business, this is family. - I don’t understand...
I’ll say it to you plain. I don’t care how many Jennifer Lopez looking dresses you have hanging in your closet, you don’t belong in here. You can never understand what I’m talking about. This is a black thing. Now would you please go and leave my brother alone.
As Samantha turned to leave, she suddenly realized this wasn’t a black thing. It was a Samantha thing. She’d never backed down to a loud bitch before and she wasn’t about to start now.
Excuse me. But no woman no matter what color has the right to tell me who I can or can not fuck.
Get your little white pussy away from my brother!
Get your big black ass out of my face! And your Okra wasn’t all that!
Get off me!
Keep it real.
I’m trying to keep it real.
Seven hours into the world’s longest date, all I could think was five more minutes and I can dump the buzzer and smoke the emergency cigarette hidden in my purse.
- Would you like to see a dessert menu? - I’ll take a look.
I forgot. I have a deadline. I have to go.
- I’ll walk with you. - No! Stay and enjoy your dessert. I’m fine.
Carrie, we’ve got a little problem.
What can I say? Adeena has always been there for me. Ever since Mom died, it’s only been the two of us. Adeena has her issues, but you didn’t have to insult her food. You mean the world to me. But Adeena, she’s my blood.
Samantha knew the real problem wasn’t her little white pussy. It was the fact that Chivon was a black pussy who wouldn’t stand up to his sister. And for Samantha Jones, that was the deal breaker.
It was too bad we had to end. But that’s the way it goes, I guess. We had some good times together and I’m pretty sure we could have had more. But, it’s over. In the end, I really did it for me. I just hope he’s worth it.