302. Politically Erect
I had been dating politician Bill Kelley for three weeks now. Since most of our time was spent on campaigning trail, I decided to dress the part. I found some vintage Halston and did a spin on Jackie Kennedy. The early years.
Who here knows what a city comptroller does? You do?
I figured we made a good match. I was adept at fashion, he was adept at politics.
At the heart of this world city is populace's passion, love and devotion to their home...
Really, what's the difference? They’re both about recycling shopworn ideas and making them seem fresh and inspiring.
It is this unique love affair, this symbiotic relationship between citizens and city that I promise to cherish and protect. Thank you.
- Great guy! - Yes, he is.
Can we talk about proposition 114?
- What is that? - You and me in the bedroom.
Is that on the ballot?
It ought to be. I'd back it. And that's whatever position you want. Which way is the bedroom?
Put me down.
That was the night I had my political consciousness raised.
How about a movie Wednesday night?
Wednesday? I'm not sure. I might be working.
OK, maybe Thursday. I'll see.
Like you have plans?
Steve, you can’t just assume I'm gonna be free every night. Right?
Is it a date?
It could be a date, in which case I wouldn’t necessarily share that information with you.
- Why not? I'd like to know. Who are you dating? - Nobody in particular.
- Anybody specific? - Is this the third degree?
I'm just trying to figure out when I get to see you again. I'm not dating anyone else. I'm not planning on dating anyone else. I just want to see you.
- I see. - Exclusively.
I got it. That's very sweet. I just hadn’t thought about things that way.
- So, think about it. - OK.
Because I thought about it. Now I think if we really want to see if things can work out between us, this time we got to at least make the commitment to be exclusive.
- OK. I hear you. - OK.
The truth was, there were no other candidates in sight. But Miranda wasn’t sure she was ready to let Steve win by default.
I can’t believe you're dating a politician. You're not even registered to vote.
It's the undecideds they're really after.
I totally get it. Not only is he good-looking, but he’s got that whole power thing going for him. It's got to be a turn-on.
Yeah, I'm dating a potential comptroller. It's hot.
- I want to help out with the campaign. - Since when are you interested in politics?
Always. It's a really great way to meet men. With Carrie burrowing side, we can just get to meet the inner circle and all the really interesting donors.
By interesting men she means single and rich.
- Guys, he's not running for President. - He should. I'd vote for him. He's really cute.
- So? - I always vote for candidates according to their looks.
I base my decision on the swimsuit competition.
The country runs better with a good-looking man in the White House. I mean, look at what happened to Nixon. No one wanted to fuck him, so he fucked everyone.
I used to have a college crush on Dan Quayle.
The country needs a president in a hat. No one wears a hat anymore. FDR, good president, wore a hat.
So busy picking out a hat, he forgot to get in the war.
- I had a college crush on Dan Quayle. - We pretty much tried to ignore that the first time.
I think it was his crisp, white shirts. Reminded me of my father.
So basically you were just voting for your father.
There was something homoerotic about Quayle relationship with Bush, very Batman and Robin.
Based strictly on looks, no one was more handsome than JFK.
Or quicker to jump in the sack, I might add.
I'm glad you three weren’t around during the original 13 colonies. I don’t think our founding fathers were very fuckable.
I don’t know. I heard that Thomas Jefferson was a real fox.
There we were... just four girls talking politics.
Meanwhile, Miranda was facing a day at the polls a bit earlier than she expected.
Last night as we were walking home for dinner, Steve asked me to go steady.
How sweet. They still call it that?
I don’t know if I can make that kind of commitment.
How many other guys are you dating?
That's not the point. I'm so ambivalent about Steve and moving forward.
You did let him back in your life. So that got to mean there is something there.
Sure there's plenty there. Lots of flaws that make me not want to stick my neck out. But there's a lot of really great stuff too. Maybe I should be honest and tell him what I'm really feeling which is… What if somebody better comes along?
You gotta put a better spin on it than that.
You see...that's my problem. I don’t know how to be political in relationships.
It's time for the old list. Things you like about Steve. Things you don’t like about Steve. See which column is longer.
That's so judgmental.
Miranda, you are judgmental. Put it to good use.
OK, fine. I'll make a list.
Politics always seems relevant to me as a new Erica Jong novel. I did find it interesting that a discussion about politics ultimately became a discussion about sex. And a discussion about sex ultimately became a question of politics. Which led me to wonder, if the two weren’t in fact inextricably linked, and if so, can there be sex without politics?
That night, Samantha discovered the hot, new candidate of her own.
Hey, Pink Lady. Can I buy that for you?
Maybe, if you promise never to use a lame line like that again.
It worked didn’t it? Jeff Fenton.
You are damn attractive. And that is not a line.
How long have you been sitting at this bar?
- My first drink. - So, you're just naturally forward?
I'm aggressive. I run a very successful hedge fund. My life is about calculating risks. Telling a beautiful lady she's attractive is the safest bet I've made all day.
- You like to ski? - I love it.
My partners and I have this gorgeous house in Sun valley. How long have you been skiing?
On and off for years.
I can tell you. You've got the legs for the sport. Got to run back to the office. How about dinner this week? Because I told you everything about me but I didn’t get chance to hear anything about you.
Samantha never felt better. There were gorgeous women sitting on either side and Jeff had elected her.
That's right. We're up 320% for the year. Samantha Jones. Public Relations. Very nice. You must do well. Who's gonna say no to you? What do you say the dinner? Friday night?
I think that might work.
Just as her self-esteem was soaring right off the charts...
- Nice to meet you, Pink Lady. I'll give you a call. - Bye.
Later that week, I brought "the single ladies coalition to elect Bill Kelley" to a fundraiser.
What do you guys consider to be the height difference between a short person and a little person?
- A little person? - A midget.
- A midget or a dwarf? - What's the difference?
I am not sure, actually. I think little person is the proper way to refer to an adult under 5 feet.
I agreed to go on a date with a very short person. I didn’t realize he was so short. Sitting down he was perfectly proportional. Standing up, he barely clears my nipples.
That may be the perfect height.
I'd like to cancel but I can’t just because he's a munchkin.
This is a very politically incorrect conversation we're having for a political fundraiser.
But anything less than five feet is unacceptable. Now if you’ll excuse me. I have to go mingle because there are a lot of cute guys here and things never last beyond two martinis.
Charlotte was running her own campaign. She was determined to be elected wife before the year was out.
- There's Miranda. - Give me that.
Hey, you made it.
Tell me again why are we voting for this guy?
He's calling for an investigation into the Board of Education to weed out waste and fraud. And he's launch a probe against large corporations to make them stop throwing away your tax dollars. I'm sleeping with him.
Good enough for me.
Come on, I'll introduce you.
Jesus Christ, he talks more than I do.
This is the lovely Miranda Hobbes. And her friend Steve Brady.
- Hi. - I've heard such wonderful things about you.
You must be reading my clippings. I pay a lot of people a lot of money to say nice things.
If you win, maybe you can fix a couple of parking tickets for me. I owe the city of New York $500. I figured I need the money more than they do. It's a joke! Come on, he knows I'm kidding. I'll grab us a drink. It's nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you. Excuse me.
The dumb jokes. con. Cute butt, pro.
I don’t believe in the Republican Party or Democratic Party. I just believe in parties.
Across room Charlotte was stumping for her cause, and making new friends.
I love Liechtenstein. But then I loved comic books as a kid too.
But that's great. His work is accessible on so many levels.
Sweetheart, this is Charlotte. She runs a gallery downtown. Charlotte, this is my fiancée Catherine.
- Hi. - Nice to meet you.
- Stanford! - Hi.
I can only stay a few minutes, I have got tickets to the "Vagina Monologues".
Just because I don’t eat at the restaurant doesn’t mean I can’t hear the specials.
Carrie, give me a sip of your drink.
Bill, this is my friend, Stanford Blatch. Bill Kelley.
I represent the queer vote. If you can carry Chelsea, you've got the city locked up.
I'm not worried about Chelsea. Have you seen my ass?
Got my vote.
- 12 o'clock. - Excuse me.
- Who's that guy? - That's his campaign manager.
- Fix me up. - How do you even know he's gay?
I've seen him rollerblading on 8th Avenue. That's enough. Please?
Great, now I'm a first lady and a pimp.
Hey, excuse me. This is awkward, so feel free to stop me at any time, but there's a person here who would like to meet you.
- OK. - A guy.
- Keep going. - It's the guy right over there.
You mean the blonde guy with the great arms.
Actually no. It's the bald guy, with the great sense of humor.
- Do you know the blonde guy? - No.
- He's really much more my type. - OK. Well... Go Kelley.
I wondered how to handle this political hot potato.
- He's not gay. - I could have sworn he was.
I realized I was getting good at politics.
I'm just so at the place where I'm really ready to settle down.
It seems like a miracle when two nice people like you guys can find each other.
Actually, we met in the most unusual way.
One of my girlfriends threw a party where all the women brought a man they weren’t interested in. Somebody brought Bob.
The rest is history.
I love that! One woman's trash is another woman's treasure.
Bill raised $6,000 that night. It really got him in the mood.
You know, you're the first woman in long long time that I've felt this intimate with. You're so beautiful. So funny...you're great.
- Thank you. - I love making love to you.
- The feeling is mutual. - Is there anything you want or need that I'm not doing?
- No, it's great. - 'cause I want to know. I want to make you happy.
I am happy. What about you? Is there anything you want or need that I'm not doing?
- No. Well...maybe one thing. - What?
Well, I would love to get you in the shower. Get each other all fresh and clean.
That sounds nice.
And then... I'd like you to pee on me.
I would be very worried if I were you. The pee could just be foreplay.
- My God! - Where there's smoke. I’m just saying.
It's so typical of men in power. They just love to be dominated and humiliated.
What did you say when he asked you?
I told him I'd just gone, maybe another time. I really don’t think I can keep saying that forever.
I peed on a guy once during sex, but it was an accident.
- What did he say? - Honestly I don’t even think he noticed.
I once had to stop eating meat for six months.
So this is what it's come down to... ready, set, pee?
Sometimes with the right guy you have to make concessions. There's always gonna be fun something.
Are you seriously advocating that I do this?
Why not? He's a great-looking rich political prince.
Sure, it's practically a fairytale. "The Princess and the Pee".
If you really feel you can’t work it out with Bill, bring him to my party on Friday night. Everyone is bringing a guy they're no longer interested in.
That's a great idea. I can bring my short guy.
That's terrific. You're dating a munchkin and I've got to follow the yellow brick road.
A couple of nights later and no closer to a solution, I had a date with Bill. He took me to his favorite Indian restaurant that boasted the hottest curry in the city.
So I just got some new polls. I'm way ahead in Manhattan and Brooklyn but I'm lagging in the Bronx. I may have to spend another $15,000 to buy myself some voter turnout. Pretty hot, isn’t it? Have some water.
No, I'm fine.
Excuse me, can I get another one? You want a beer? So, I read your column yesterday.
It's great. Very funny. Just one question. Who's the handsome politico you keep referring to?
He's just some other fellow I'm seeing in Washington. You don’t mind, do you?
My life is an open book. It has to be. What I really love about the column is the way you feel about it. It's mutual. Even if I can’t put it in print like you do. I am so crazy about you.
Listen, I was really hoping we could spend the night together, but I have an early breakfast meeting with the Brooklyn bridge...
- That's no problem. - Rain check?
That Friday night, Charlotte threw her "used date party".
Hi, you made it! There are so many eligible men here.
Hi Charlotte, nice apartment. Can I get you something to drink?
Yes, immediately, if not sooner.
You brought Stanford?
You said to bring a man you're not interested in.
You're making a mockery of this party.
- Carrie, Charlotte! - Hi!
- This is Jeff Fenton. - Ladies.
- How do you do? - It's a pleasure.
I'll take your coat.
Take your time. Mingle. Is he the smallest man you've ever seen?
If ladies you'll excuse me I have to go meet my eligible guests.
I've got to get busy too.
- Carrie! - Hey, what are you doing here?
I figured, before I finalize the list, I should see what's out there.
- How's that list going? - Great, fine. I'm guessing that's Samantha's little friend.
You gotta go to Cuba now. Another year will be too late.
Can’t you get arrested for going?
Fly through Canada. They love Americans. I'll e-mail you some of my pictures if you want.
I'd love to see them.
- Charlotte, right? - Right, and...
- Greg Miller. - Very nice to meet you, Greg Miller.
- Having any luck? - Excuse me?
- Meeting someone. - I'm kinda already here with somebody.
Yeah, an ex girlfriend, right?
What are you talking about?
- Get a clue. - You brought me here to dump me?
Not exactly. I just thought maybe you could meet someone else your own size.
Sweetheart, give me an hour in sack, you'll swear I'm the Jolly Green Giant.
- Really? - I'm the best you've ever had.
She felt so politically incorrect about dumping a man for his height that she felt she had no other option than to sleep with him.
Fine. Let's go.
OK, I'm ready to go. There's no one here for us.
Speak for yourself. If these guys are in their thirties and these women don’t want them, there might just be a little something for me.
Talk to you tomorrow.
I'm an adventure travel junkie. I took the entire year off after business school. Trekked the old spice trail in Asia.
Talking to Greg, Charlotte felt like she had unearthed a rare coin that some other woman had thoughtlessly discarded.
This is my ex, Belinda Peters, she hooked me up on this thing.
You must be a friend of Karen's. Thanks so much for bringing this wonderful man.
You're welcome. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure. Excuse me.
Bye. Thanks for coming.
Apparently once Belinda saw Greg talking to another woman, he suddenly looked all shiny and new again.
That night, Jeff proved to Samantha that he more than made up for his shortcomings. Samantha told us later it was like having sex with a horny smurf. Meanwhile across town, Steve was busy stuffing Miranda's ballot box.
You know, I'm not looking for a quick answer in the monogamy thing. It's probably something that's got to happen on its own. It's just that I wanted you to know how I feel. You're the best woman I've ever met. I want you to know...to know that. I love you, Miranda. I really do.
Suddenly Steve had just verbalized the one big pro that outweighed all the cons.
Later that week, Samantha decided to put her heels in storage and gave Jeff another chance.
Little boy's room. I'll be right back.
Samantha was stunned. It was one thing to date a man who went to the little boy's room. Another to date one who still shopped at the little boy's department.
- I'm not feeling very well. I've got to go. Goodnight. - Wait, I'll take you.
I'm not really sick. Look, Jeff. I can’t do this. It's not a very good idea. I don’t want to lead you on.
Lead me on? You came five times the other night.
- It's not really that... - Then, what? What happened in the past five minutes?
You shop at the boy's department.
So, what? The clothes fit me better, plus they're cheaper. Where do you shop, the big and tall whore store?
You're nothing but a big dick with a little man attached.
You're nothing but a big pair of tits with too much extra leg room.
Surprisingly, Samantha had found what she was really looking for. And it had nothing to do with size.
Somebody get me a booster chair.
She'd found a man who made her laugh. They dated for two weeks. Though he was short, it was a long relationship for Samantha.
That same night, parched and nervous, I spent another night with Bill.
- Man, that was great. - Yes, it was.
Come on, let's take a shower. Come on, get in while it's hot.
- Can I talk to you about something? - OK.
I've been giving this peeing thing a lot of thought and while I think it's totally fine that that's what you're into, I just... It's just never really been my thing.
Yeah, so I thought instead, maybe you could close your eyes and I could dribble warm tea on you. That might feel good. Or maybe...you might think it's fun to hear the sound of running water when we have sex. And, if things got really serious between us, I could maybe, even, leave the bathroom door open sometime. Although, honestly I'm really not sure how comfortable I'd be with that either.
You know, there's something I want to tell you too. Some people connected with the campaign read your column and they had a different take on it.
What does that mean?
They said it was funny and clever, but it was a lot about sex. They don’t think it's such a good idea for me to be dating a sex columnist so close to the election. They thought it was kind of seamy.
Wait a second, I may write about sex, but you like people to pee on you.
Yeah, but nobody knows about that.
I realized that politics had not only entered my bedroom but my bathroom as well. I decided then and there that my bravest political act would be to tell the truth. Of course I didn’t use his real name. It was much more political not to.