311. Running with Scissors
- Yes? - Room service.
We've got to stop meeting like this.
You've been waiting your whole life to say that. I have to be some place in three hours.
Why is your skin so soft?
When Charles Dickens wrote, "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times", I believe he must have been having an affair with his married ex-boyfriend.
- Yeah? - It's me.
You can't keep changing the time like this. I have a schedule too.
Fine. I'm sorry. Let's get those panties off.
Wait. I have to put my diaphragm in.
- I have to be at work in 40 minutes. - I know.
Our affair like our hotels had gone from elegant with crystal to seedy with plastic cups.
God, it's hot in here, and the windows don't even open. I hate those little sliding air strip things. I need air.
You picked the hotel.
I picked because it's on 56th and 8th. Nobody knows us on 56th and 8th.
- 56th and 8th is safe. - I don't give a fuck who sees us.
- Yes, you do. I do too. You want people to get hurt? - This room smells like take-out curry.
- It's too hot, I can't do this. - Are you saving it for your boyfriend? Carrie.
- No. You don't talk to me that way. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Jesus. How did we get here? Who are we?
I have something to tell you. I know you’re not gonna like it. Believe me I'd rather tell anyone but you, but I have to.
- Because I need your help. - OK.
I'm having an affair with Big.
I swear to God my heart just stops.
Also, I'm smoking again. I'm smoking and sleeping with Big. Feel free to delete me out of your Palm Pilot.
- Give me one. - Really? - I think I need it.
You are such a good friend. Don't inhale. Do you hate me? Say you don't hate me.
- I don't hate you. - Thank you. If only I didn't hate me.
How long has it been going on?
Forever. Actual time, three weeks. I'm in the middle of this, and I can't see. So I need you to yank me out of it. You have to say stuff to yank me out of it.
What about Aidan?
Exactly. What about Aidan? What about him? I would die if he found out. Big's acting jealous. I'm so afraid he'll call him or do something stupid. He's already threatened to tell Natasha.
What did you think would happen?
I didn't think. I just did. I'm terrified we've messed it up and it can never be what it was supposed to be. It's a big mess.
Take it easy, OK?
I'm so confused. Does he only want me because he can't have me?
- Yes. - How do you really feel?
Forget about him. What do you want?
I want everyone to get out of this without anyone getting hurt.
Why not? You've heard stories about affairs where people realize how great their other relationship is and end it without anyone being the wiser.
I don't watch "Lifetime Television For Women". You have to just stop. OK? Just stop.
I am. I'm stopping. I am.
Good. Who else knows about this?
Samantha. And God.
If the-world-according-to-bride knew I was having an affair, she'd kill me.
At least you wouldn't have to be a bridesmaid.
While Miranda was trying not to judge me on the Upper East Side, Samantha was judging the crowd at a new hot spot on the Lower West Side. It was a typical downtown male mix - ten percent Wall Street, ten percent real estate, ten percent she'd already slept with. His name was Tom Reymi.
A Manhattan legend - straight, single, and sexually very active. In short, the male Samantha.
- Hi. I'm Tom Reymi. - I know who you are. I'm...
- I know who you are. - It's about time we met.
We know the same people, we should go to dinner, blah blah. Wanna fuck?
Under a minute. You could qualify for the Olympics.
My place is...
- Do you swing? - Swing? You mean with other couples?
- No. Swing. - Oh my, so cirque du Soleil.
You haven't fucked till you've fucked in the swing.
I've always wanted to run off and join the circus.
- So, Samantha...when was your last AlDS test? - So much for foreplay.
Anyone who has as much sex as us has to ask, right? I was tested again three weeks ago. I'm good to go. How about you?
Samantha didn't quite know how to tell Tom Reymi that the only sex test she'd ever taken was the Cosmo Quiz.
- You have been tested, right? - No, but I'm very healthy.
- You haven't been tested. Why? - I'm a busy girl.
I got hard in that club just from looking at you. I think you and I both know what's gonna happen when we get in that swing. I can't fuck you or eat you the way I want, unless I know it's safe. Samantha, you should do me. I am as good as they say.
Samantha suddenly had to figure out just how much she wanted to do Reymi.
The pink post-its are for the gowns I kinda like. The green post-its are for the gowns I kinda really like. The yellow post-its are for the gowns I don't know if I like.
Kill me, please. Just take a sharp object and drag it across my throat.
Stop. Miranda, you take "Modern Bride". Samantha, "New York Bride".
And I'll take what? "Annoying Bride"?
Here, Carrie. Page 211. Pink post-its. Tell me what you think.
- Okey-dokey. - Cute purse.
There's no time for purses. This is gown specific.
- What’s your theme again? A Nazi wedding? - Carrie, Page 211.
- It's pretty. I like the flowers in the bed. - Me, too. And I like that all fashion satin bow.
Have you all had an AlDS test?
Good morning. Where did that come from?
I just met this very hot guy. He won't sleep with me unless I have a test.
We're looking at wedding gowns. Could you please not talk about AlDS now?
- You've never had an HIV test? - No. Have you?
- Two. - Three.
- How about upper length gloves? – Samantha, how can you not have had an AIDS test?
She doesn't mean that the way it sounds. It's just...Why not?
I always practice safe sex. All right, I'm terrified. What if I have it?
You don't have it.
Sometimes it takes me a really long time to get over a cold.
That’s not AIDS. That's central air conditioning. Just go and get it over with. The test is nothing. The worst part is waiting for the results.
Really? They come out with the results. They motioned to certain people and they take them to this little room, and you know the news ain't good. I just sat there the entire time praying, "Please don't take me in that little room".
There are 1400 gowns in this magazine. I have only seen 600 of them. I need help.
- You need to chill the fuck out. Hire yourself a stylist. - A stylist?
Some little mignon around the town to do your dress bidding.
I can hire someone to do that for me?
This is New York. You can hire someone to do anything. I'll fax you some names.
Thank you, thank you.
If only I could hire someone to take that damn test.
Later that night, I got thinking about safe sex. Odd how only when our physical life is at risk. Do we follow certain guidelines to protect ourselves? What about our emotional lives? Wouldn't it be nice if there was a pamphlet to warn us what unsafe behavior might be high risk to ourselves or our relationships? Even if you take precautions and emotionally try to protect yourself, when you crawl in bed with someone, is sex ever safe?
Yeah, I know, but that's not my problem.
The next day on the way back to work, Miranda was about to experience a different type of high risk behavior.
- Eat me. - Excuse me?
Miranda was furious. It was bad enough she had just lost a case, but now she was being harassed by a sandwich.
You want pasta, you go to Little ltaly. You want wedding, you go Wang.
You want the perfect wedding dress, go to Anthony Marantino, stylist.
Where is that sales girl? For these prices, we should be pulling her nose out of our asses.
Hello, someone. Let's go.
Charlotte was thrilled. Anthony was like the pushy Italian mother she never had.
Go, go, go...
I love them all.
Duchess satin with the lace applique.
- The white is too white. - No, with your skin tone...
Hates it. Move on. The sharmoose, strapless, with the net overlay.
Hates it. Good bead work, though. None of these are right. None of them at all. You're dragging!
I hope she doesn't think I'm a bitch.
She's not paid to think, but to make you happy.
I've been imagining my wedding dress ever since I was a little girl. I just want it to be perfect.
Not for nothing. I've done this a million times. Don't worry. You'll know the right dress when you see it.
- Anthony. - Char. - That's it.
Across town, Samantha felt as though she might cry as well.
- Have you had an HIV test before? - No.
- Why are you taking this test? - I...feel...You know, it's...
- Are you feeling all right? - I’m sorry, I'm really nervous.
- Try to relax. Just a couple of routine questions. Nothing to be alarmed about. - OK. Thanks.
- Do you have sex? - Yes.
- Do you have oral sex - give, receive? - Yes. Yes, yes.
- Do you have anal sex? - Yes.
- Do you swallow? - Only when surprised.
- Do you use condoms? - Yes.
- What kind of condoms? - Trojan. Lifestyles, chic, Wet & Wild...
- No, I meant, latex, lambskin? - Yes. Yes.
- How many sexual partners have you had? - I'm counting. This year?
While Samantha tried to remember her sexual past, I came face to face with my sexual present.
- Stop. - Stop what?
You're making that sound. That...kissing sound. It's annoying.
It's just a sound I make, I guess. Come here. I'll try not to do it anymore. Look, Ma, no sound.
I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't go.
I don't get it. You used to like that sound I make.
- I love that sound. Where are you going? - Home. I need a little time.
I'm just in a weird place right now, but I'll be out of it soon. I promise. I'm sorry. Say it's OK.
- It's OK. What can I do? - Nothing, it's me. It's all me. I just need time to figure it out.
- I'll give you little room to do that. - You're not saying that in a bad way, right?
- No. I'll be right downtown. - Hey, buddy. Call me later?
- It's 1:00 in the morning. I'll call you tomorrow. - Make the noise. Please make the noise.
- Good night. - Sorry.
I didn't know what I was doing, but I was sure I had just entered high-risk relationship behavior.
Three days later, Miranda finally had got her fill of the sandwich.
OK. That's it. You're not allowed to harass women like that.
- Eat me. - We'll see about that.
- I'd like to speak to the manager, please. - That's me.
That sandwich upfront says sexually explicit things to women as they walk by.
- What did he say? - "Eat me."
Yeah, he's a sandwich.
He didn't say it in the sandwich way. He said it in the sexual harassing way.
He's a sandwich.
- Eat me. - You're so brave inside your sandwich.
Then Miranda glimpsed just enough of his full lips and shiny white teeth to stop thinking about the sandwich and start wondering about the man inside the bun.
I can't stop thinking about him.
You’re telling me you're turned on by a sandwich?
I think it's the fact that I can't see him. It's dangerous or something.
I think that is one fresh sandwich.
His voice is so sexy. But he's probably a troll. Any man who propositions a woman from inside of a big sandwich gotta be a troll, right?
I don't know. You think he's white meat?
That's the first laugh I've had in weeks. Thank the sandwich when you have sex.
I can't have sex with a sandwich. Can l?
I never thought I'd have sex with a married ex. Can a hoagie be that far behind? Miranda, what the hell am I gonna do?
As Samantha sat and waited for her test results, she had one thought over and over. "Please don't let them take me into that little room."
Ms Jones, I've got your results. Please come with me.
Samantha began to realize she was being taken into that little room. She was perfect healthy. The nurse just wanted a quiet place to lecture her on safe sex practices.
Later that week, somehow I found myself back at the corner of 56th and Safeth.
- How much? - Excuse me?
I've seen you here before. For sex, how much?
That’s it. I'm out of here. That Japanese businessman thinks I'm a hooker.
Wait a minute. Carrie!
Carrie? What are you doing in this neighborhood?
Carrie, can we... Hey. I was doing business in the area. We kinda bumped into each other. How are you?
I just checked on my wedding dress, it's at the tailor and...I'd better go.
That was that. Now nowhere was safe. Not even 56th and 8th.
It was a force bigger than me, like Niagara Falls or something, you know?
No, I don't know. He's married.
- I know he's married. - That makes you the other woman.
I'm not the other woman. I'm not. I mean...I know I am, but I am not that woman. Please, Charlotte, I feel bad enough already.
Good. You should feel bad. Do you ever think about how she'd feel if she found out?
I think about it all the time.
No, you don't. You think about what would happen to you if she found out, you don’t think about her. She's just the idiot wife. You don't know anything about her.
I'm gonna suffocate myself in this bubble wrap.
This isn't a joke, Carrie. They took vows. vows he broke. I'm getting married in three weeks. How would you feel if someone did this to me?
I would kill them.
How could you do this? You're my maid of honor.
I'm getting out, I am. Can I please help you pack now?
So we stood and bubble-wrapped, the bride to be and her maid of dishonour.
A week of fantasizing hot sex with the unknown man inside sandwich had gotten to Miranda. Safe or not, she needed to at least see who she was dealing with.
Hi. Look, this is so silly.
Let me see your face.
Even though he was kinda cute, Miranda walked away. After all, what did they have in common? She was a lawyer. He was a sandwich.
Later that day at Tom Reymi's, after a week of sheer anxiety, Samantha enjoyed the benefits of totally safe sex.
Take your time. There's stuff in the kitchen if you're hungry...
It was the lowest of the low. I had finished making love to my married ex-boyfriend on his lunch hour at his apartment, while his 25-year-old wife was sunning herself at the Hamptons.
- Jesus. - What?
- Could I feel any more like a hooker? - Why do you keep doing that to yourself?
- I think we should stop seeing each other. - Why?
- You're married. - Hand me the phone. I'm gonna call her right now.
Don't be ridiculous. What are you gonna do? You gonna call her at the beach and say you love me and want a divorce?
You don't want me to call her because you still love that other guy. This is about that other guy.
The other guy has a name. It's Aidan. You have a wife, Natasha.
Give me the phone.
If you really want to tell her, you’d have told her by now.
You told me not to tell her.
Here. Call her.
If I make that call, are you gonna be there for me?
Are we gonna do this, really? I mean, out in the daylight, no cocktails, no hotel rooms, real life?
- Carrie, in or out? - I need more time.
I'm calling her Monday. I have to go. You know how to let yourself out.
I couldn't help but wonder if I really did know the way to let myself out. Charlotte was right. What did l really know about Natasha? Natasha is a woman who likes tea roses. Natasha is a woman who collects antique sugar bowls.
Natasha is a woman who comes home from the Hamptons early.
Honey, are you here? I took the Jitney home.
Carrie. I see you. Wait! I knew you were having an affair, but not in my house. Stop, I'm talking to you.
Oh my God!
I had always assumed, the one who would be hurt would be me.
Taxi! Nearest hospital. Shit!
Is she all right?
She lost a tooth and needed a stitch in her lip. They had a plastic surgeon, and it won't scar her. She’s scared and swollen. Her parents are on the way. I have to go.
Carrie. Thanks for being here. I'll call you.
For what? We're so over. We need a new word for "over".
- Surprise. Where have you been all day? - I went to a museum. Just walking around.
- Oh, yeah? How was it? - It was good. I'll just wash my face. I'll be right in. - OK.
Somehow, I had found a way to let myself out of the mess. I'd made it home.