310. All or Nothing
One of the best things about being in a great relationship is feeling comfortable enough to leave it for an evening.
What exactly do you girls do when you get together?
The usual stuff: braid each other’s hair, crank calls, or that weekend stuff.
You don't talk about the boys?
- I can't lie. Sometimes there is talk of the boys. - Men's greatest fear.
- I thought it was hair loss. - No problem here.
- I can tell. - Feel free to pass that on to the gals.
- I'll try to work that into the conversation. Goodbye. - Bye.
EB White once said no one should come to New York unless they're lucky. I was. I had an amazing boyfriend who had all his hair, good friends to talk about with...and a married ex-boyfriend I had slept with a week ago.
May I just say, "Wow!"
What can I say? I've arrived!
Samantha had invited us to celebrate her new downtown apartment, three new uptown clients and her general fabulousness.
Who knew all this existed in the meatpacking district.
Just yards away from dumbest soliciting cows.
- Homemade baby quiche. - You made these?
Hell no! I had them delivered, along with dinner, the wine and DVD of "An Affair To Remember" that we're watching later, drunk.
You can get DVDs delivered?
- I used this hot new delivery service. - You called them?
- Anything you want they bring you within an hour. - Anything?
- Last night I ordered condoms. – Please tell me you didn't fuck the delivery guy!
No, John, the hot guy from the gym. Let me just say the condoms came a lot faster than he did!
There's an ad-slogan.
Ladies let’s just say it. We have it all. Great apartments, great jobs, great friends, and great sex...
We do have baby quiche delivered and eat it too.
Exactly. At my age, my mother was settled with three kids and a drunk husband.
- You just have three drunk friends. - By choice.
Having it all really means having someone special to share it with.
Please. That's so Barney.
I'm sorry. My life wasn't really complete until I met Trey. And Trey's mom is so great. You'll meet her at the engagement party she's throwing for us. You will love her.
Do you see us Manhattan? We have it all.
- Fuck you! - You wish.
Carrie, go home. I can take care of this.
Three hours later, Deborah Kerr had revealed her awful secret to Cary Grant, and I'd still told no one mine.
- I slept with Big last week. - You're having an affair?
No, no affair. Just one night, and it is not happening again. Please don't tell Charlotte and Miranda.
I am awful. I have this great boyfriend. I don't know what I was doing.
Nothing men haven't been doing for centuries. Was it good?
It was great, and it's not happening again.
Got it. Plates.
How can it feel so good when it's so bad?
They design it that way.
Big and l... we have this thing.
It's all about the pheromones. We’re just animals reacting to each other’s smells.
I have this non-married wonderful boyfriend with all his hair, waiting for me, who smells great.
Don’t beat yourself up. Aidan hasn't said "l love you" yet. Until then, you're a free agent.
What do you say? The rules according to Samantha?
I'm more old-fashioned than you think.
I don't wanna be a free agent. Don't you wanna judge me, just a little bit?
Not my style.
Hang on. Hang on.
Hi. God, I missed you.
You gotta go see the girls more often. Come on.
Suddenly I felt safe again. It had all just been a big bad dream. As long as I was near Aidan, it would all be OK. Until the morning…
Why do you have to go to Pennsylvania today?
See that chair? It's got owners that miss it very much.
Go tomorrow. Come on, stay.
- I'll make you cookies. - You don't cook.
I'll buy you cookies. Come on, stay.
It's just for a couple of days. You gotta have stuff you wanna do.
What I needed to do was not be alone.
Downtown, Samantha woke up to discover she did have it all. Including the flu.
Samantha never wanted a man around in the morning, until she needed one.
John? It's Samantha. Jones. From the gym. Yeah, right. I was wondering if you might be able to drop by on your way to work this morning. Honey, I can hardly blow my nose, let alone blow you. Yeah, I wouldn't want you to get sick, either.
Later that day in the bridal registry department at Bergdorf Goodman, Charlotte discovered she wanted it all, and more.
- $1,300. - Yes. We do very well with it.
- It's really beautiful. - Yes.
It'll look lovely under the ramen noodles we'll be forced to eat due to my outstanding china loans. No, not that face. All right. If it's what you want. I'm too crazy about you to say no. I gotta get back to the hospital. I got two organic plastics.
- Did you do a guest list for the party? - Oh, right. I almost forgot.
Sweetie? What’s this?
Prenuptial agreements. Totally standard. Everyone in the family has one. You sign on page four or something. Feel free to have your lawyer look it over. I'll call you later.
The form looks normal.
Charlotte wasted no time having a lawyer look over the papers.
We’re not even getting married yet, and already we're talking about divorce.
A lot of people do prenups these days.
Marriage is supposed to be about love and happiness.
- And merging and the protection of assets. - That is so unromantic.
- And necessary. 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce. - See. There it is again, divorce.
I'm sure you'll live happily ever after, but I gotta tell you I wouldn't get married without one of these to protect myself.
I'm safe. What’s he gonna take from me - shoes? Maybe I do need one.
This is unusual. He has you on a vesting schedule. For every five years you're married, you get a percentage of $500,000.
I'm only worth $500,000.
- Over 30 years. - Maybe that's your wholesale price.
If you have any boys, you'll get another 100 grand clean and clear.
How much for girls?
- Nada. - That's bad business.
I can't sign that. I can't marry someone knowing they feel this way.
This is just their opening offer. It's totally standard to go back in and negotiate.
Negotiate? I can’t even buy stuff on sale.
Talk to Trey. I'm sure his lawyers will be able to take care of all of this.
Working over lunch? You're right. The New York office is tougher than ours.
George, this is Carrie and Charlotte. George works in our Chicago office.
I'm here all week taking depositions, and restaurant recommendations from hip and trendy New Yorkers.
- You're hip and trendy? - George is from Chicago.
So it's good?
It's fantastic. I hope the place I’ll take you tomorrow night lives up to your standards.
- I'm sure it will be great. - I'll drop by your office later.
- OK. - Nice meeting you, ladies.
Bye. Well, well, well, they sure grow 'em cute in the Midwest.
I know. We have a date.
You better find out how much he pays for boys before you get attached.
24 hours, three degrees of fever and two pages of her black book later, Samantha was no closer to closing her deal.
Why don't you go fuck yourself because I won't be doing it again...ever.
Samantha was discovering it was much easier to find a guy to screw her than one who'd screw in her curtain rod. She wasn't the only one who needed a fix.
That day I did everything I could to keep busy until Aidan came back. I re-arranged my sweaters, I defrosted my fridge...
I broke into my emergency hidden stash, and I thought about choices. Since birth modern women have been told that we can do and be anything we want, be an astronaut, the head of an internet company, a stay-at-home mom. There aren't any rules any more. Choices are endless. And apparently, they can all be delivered right to your door. But is it possible that we've gotten so spoiled by choices that we've become unable to make one? That part of us knows that once you choose something, one man, one great apartment, one amazing job, another option goes away? Are we a generation women who can't choose just one from column 'A'? Did we all have too much to handle, or was Samantha right? Can we have it all?
Two hours later, I had filed every article I'd ever written, but I still couldn't file away what had happened with Big. So I made a choice. I called him.
- Yeah? - It's me, Carrie.
Jesus, Carrie. How are you?
I'm good, fine. OK. We need to talk about what happened with us.
- Right now? - Yes. Rationally and right now.
Apparently you're the boss.
The thing is It was just a physical thing that happened. We gave in to our baser instincts, shit happens, blah blah blah.
- Are you wearing glasses? - No.
- You sound like you are wearing glasses. - It can't happen. You're married.
I'm aware of that. But it was pretty fucking amazing, wasn't it?
That is so not the point. We’re intelligent beings. We have to learn to rise above the physical stuff.
You can learn to do that?
Apparently we couldn't.
Next time we're going to a hotel. I can smell the guy on your sheets. woodchips and Paco Rabanne.
- He doesn't wear cologne. - Maybe he should.
By the way, there will be no next time. This is gonna be like "The Bridges Of Madison Avenue". A very brief affair I'll write about in Serbia letter to my grandchildren.
Can I have a beard in the book version? I've always wanted a beard.
Maybe a goatee.
It all felt so easy and so good. I was like the moth to the old flame.
Meanwhile that night, Miranda was enjoying her new flame.
Can’t fucking believe I have to catch an 11 o' clock flight.
But it was fun.
I swear to god if I weren't going back to Chicago, I would definitely try to sleep with you now.
I'm drunk enough. I might have let you.
- Damn! I have to wait till next time. - There will be a next time?
Of course. I come back and forth a lot. In the meantime, there's always the phone.
- I have one of those. - I'll call you tomorrow night. Damn.
The next night, Miranda was suddenly surprised to hear from George.
I knew you were a middle child. I love it when I'm right.
Yeah, spoken like a true only child.
They talked for two hours about everything. Favorite foods, families... It was one of the best dates Miranda had ever been on.
- What are you wearing?
Then the date got even better.
- Wish I were there. - Really? What would you do?
I would start by kissing your neck slowly. Then I'd work my way down, start licking your nipples. Where’s your hand?
On your dick.
Put the other one on you.
That night, Miranda started sleeping with George regularly. She felt like she had it all, her own independent life, and a great boyfriend she could count on. He always called, and she always came to the phone.
While Miranda was coming, I was busy preparing for Aidan to come back. I had slept in Big's and my sex-sheets for two days. Like any good junky, I knew how to hide the evidence.
- Hey, you. - Look at you.
I was sure he could see the scarlet 'A' burned into my chest. If Big could smell him, could he smell Big on me?
I missed you so much.
I should send you to Pennsylvania more often.
You should. I realized something while I was gone.
- You did, did you? - Yeah. I love you, Carrie. Is that too much? I thought I shouldn't say...
No. I love you too.
Not only was my secret safe, but apparently I had become lovable. I felt awful and so good.
- Wait. No sheets. - Fuck the sheets.
Set your bent over, and I'm playing with you.
- Your dick is in my mouth. - Jesus, I'm gonna come.
The next night, Miranda was going to third with George when her second line beeped in.
Dammit, hold on.
- Hello. - Trey says his mom won't negotiate.
- Hold on. - You sound weird. Are you OK?
OK. I'll be right back.
Your dick is in my mouth. Keep it there.
The mom's the one holding the cards. She's the one you’re gonna go up against.
- How do I do that? - Charlotte, this is not a good time. I'll call you tomorrow.
- Sorry. - So am l. You got me so hot, I just came.
- You did? - Now we have to take care of you.
The next night, I went to take care of Samantha.
More cough syrup.
Which for Samantha meant making her mom's cure-all childhood remedy, cough syrup and Fanta orange soda over ice.
No offence, but this thing is about to make me sicker than you.
Give me my drink.
OK. A frosted martini glass would make that more appetizing. Why don't you ask the super to fix your window?
Because I don't have one. I own this place, remember? I should have got married. Then at least I'd have a curtain that closes. Oh, Carrie, it doesn't matter how much you have. If you don't have a guy who cares about you, it all means shit.
Sweetie, calm down.
Three days of sleep deprivation had turned Samantha into a whole new woman: Charlotte. For someone who had it all, she had never felt more alone.
I'm gonna tell you something. There's two types of guys out there: the ones that hold your hand, and the ones that fuck you.
I'd slept with both of them in the last 48 hours.
The guys that fuck you aren't worth a damn. We're all alone.
We are not alone. We have each other.
- Bed? - Yeah.
Three days of bed rest later, three healthy girls attended a very uptown party.
Jesus. Looks like Martha Stewart exploded in here.
- Look, headbands are back. - I’m starving. Where's the food?
It’s amazing what four days of a cough syrup and Fanta diet will do for the appetite.
They're WASPs. There's never food, only booze.
Fine. One martini, six olives.
I can't believe Charlotte wants to be in this world. Look at these people. They're like Ken and Barbie cut-outs.
You made it.
- I see you found the bar. - We’re good that way.
Trey, you have to keep people out of the maid's room. There are photos of me rowing college crew in there. It's mortifying.
Mom. These are Charlotte's friends. This is my mom, Bunny.
Pleasure to have you. There's Reverend Williams. Maybe we should say hello before he gets into the Scotch.
It's about 20 years too late for that.
- I haven't signed the prenup. - What are you gonna do?
I don't know. I'm so confused. I really love him, I do, but I feel like no one cares about me. I thought maybe we could negotiate, it'd be OK, but now it all feels so wrong.
- What does Trey say? - Nothing. He leaves it up to his mother.
A woman named Bunny. Honey, you can take her.
- Help me. What should I do? - We can't tell you what to do.
I wasn't one to talk about the subject of marriage, considering I might be in the process of breaking one up.
You have to do what feels right to you.
It depends how much you want to marry Trey.
- Bunny, do you have a minute? - Of course.
Charlotte realized, if she ever wanted to close the deal with Trey, she'd have to close the deal with Bunny first.
- I haven't signed the prenuptial agreement. - You've been busy.
I have...a little problem with how much I'm worth.
I see. That is the standard amount. It's how it's always been done in the MacDougal family.
Not only would she have to negotiate, she'd have to play hard hardball.
Well, you know...we haven't finalized the wedding arrangements. Trey would be disappointed if I backed out. "The Times" announcement would run, I guess there would be some questions...
- What do you want? - I'm worth a million.
I did it. I negotiated with Bunny, and I signed the prenup.
- I'm getting married. - Congratulations.
- I love him. I really do. - Ladies, may I sweep my bride away?
She's all yours.
It was then that each of us realized that we didn't have it all, because we no longer had Charlotte.
Then, there were three.
I can't believe she's marrying that guy.
For a tenth of what she's worth.
I thought you were Ms Pro Marriage these days.
I was delirious. I also saw spots all over my bathtub.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but it feels weird without her here.
That's such a Charlotte thing to say.
After a week full of Aidan and no cigarettes, I felt like I had finally kicked my addiction.
- Emu. - What?
- 32 across. Rare bird - emu. - I was getting there.
Not with the wrong word in 15 down.
Then my addiction found me.
- Hello. - I need to see you.
- Miranda, I'll call you back. - I’m downstairs. If you don’t come down, I'm coming up.
Right, I'll call you later.
I told Aidan I was taking Pete for a walk. He believed me, which only made it worse.
Don't ever call me at home again. Walk. You can't just decide you wanna see me, and I'm there.
Is this his dog?
Yes. You know what your problem is? You want it all: the girl you screw, me, and the girl you go home to, her.
That's bullshit. I just want you. I can't do this any more, sleep with two people at the same time.
- I'm gonna tell her tonight. - What?
- What? - No, no.
Married men don't just leave their...I have a man who loves me, and you have a wife who loves you.
Don't talk about him and her like it's you and me.
You have no right to do this. You can't just come back in my life and fuck it all up.
I think there were two people doing the fucking here. Carrie.
- Shit. Pete. Oh, shit! - Where are you going? Wait.
- Pete! Pete! Oh, shit. - Carrie.
- No. Go home. Don't tell anyone. Don't do anything. - I wanna help.
This isn't helping. Go home.
Later back at Miranda's home, things were heating up as well.
I unbutton the last button, slip my hand in, and touch your breast. Your nipple's so hard. I'll be right back.
I'm thrusting, I'm thrusting. I'm deep inside of you.
You were touching my breast.
Yeah, I'm touching your breast, and I'm thrusting hard into you.
- No, we hadn't gotten to that yet. - Oh.
Are you having phone sex with other people?
I don't think we ever said this was an exclusive thing.
Oh, my God.
With that Miranda stopped being hung up on George. So she hung up on him.
Three hours later, I still hadn't found Pete, and I felt as lost as he was. I had a man who loved me, and a man who wanted to leave his wife for me. I should have been on top of the world, but I wasn’t. I didn't feel like I had it all. I felt like nothing. I had lost Pete, and I would probably lose Aidan. So I decided to come clean.
Jesus, I was worried about you.
Oh, my God. Pete's here? Oh, my God, I lost him. I lost him and I looked for him and...Oh, my... Pete, come here, come here. Oh, God. I'm an awful girlfriend.
- Take it easy. - I'm awful.
He's a dog. He runs away. He found his way back.
So had l.
- I need to ask you something. - OK.
I don't wanna be paranoid here. You took Pete for a walking. And we both know you're not big on the dog-walking. Now I can smell something. Are you cheating? I can smell the smoke on you. You're smoking again, aren't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
It was the truth.
- Are you going to quit? - I really want to.
That was, too.