109. The Turtle and the Hare
In a city of perfect people...
no one was more perfect than Brooke.
She was an interior designer who only dated A-list guys.
For Brooke, every Saturday night was like the senior prom.
So, when she got married...
we were all dying to see which one had made the cut.
Was I the only one who remembered that Brooke once described this man...
as more boring than exposed brick?
It was your average $100,000 wedding.
Investment bankers and the women who hate them...
classmates from Steiner, Dalton and Brown...
We looked like The Witches of Eastwick.
A wedding this size always has two singles tables.
We were at the other one.
Hi. I'm Bernie Turtletaub, friend of the groom.
It was the Turtle. A Manhattan legend known for two things:
good investments and bad breath.
My feet are killing me.
- Here, sit down. - I can't. This outfit only works if I am standing.
I think it works either way.
You know, I think I'm at that table over there.
Your friend is gorgeous.
What do I have to do to get to know her better?
Do you think the pears in this tart are bosc or bartlett?
Two hours later, we were bored.
Supplies were dwindling...
and one of our passengers had jumped ship.
Are we gonna stick around and catch the bouquet?
That is so not going to happen.
Bosc! They've got to be bosc.
Can you believe I finally did it?
You're next. Bill's got some great single friends.
It's always better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them.
People are always telling me things I don't want to hear.
But this one crossed the line.
Did I wake you?
- Not at all. - Question.
Why do people get married if they're not in love?
I don't know.
Companionship, guilt, political asylum?
- Why did you get married? - I was a fool in love.
That is so sweet.
-And then I was a fool in divorce court. -Now you're just a fool.
Exactly. Which is why I'm never getting married again.
Suddenly, I had to concentrate on breathing.
- Are you in bed with someone? - No. Are you?
Just three slices of wedding cake. You jealous?
That depends. What are your plans for the frosting?
- Good night. - Good night.
I hung up the phone wondering...
could I date a man who would never get married?
Wow! A guy who doesn't want to get married! Film at 11:00!
Don't tell me you're surprised by this.
You know who wants to get married? Men who miss their mommies.
Maybe this wasn't my target audience.
Am I the only one who thinks this is a major bummer?
What if you spend five years with him and in the end you have nothing to show for it?
I wasn't thinking about marriage until he told me to think about it. Now it's all I think about.
Just be cool. You don't care.
Then he'll wonder why you don't...
which will make him realize he does, and then it's a whole new ball game.
So in your world, it's always sixth grade.
I think that a relationship has to be based on honesty and communication if it has any chance of succeeding.
Okay. If you were 25, that would be adorable...
but you're 32 now, so that's just stupid.
- I can't just ignore it, can l? - Yes. No!
What's the big deal? ln 50 years, men are gonna be obsolete anyway.
I mean. Already you can't talk to them, you don't need them to have kids with...
you don't even need them to have sex with anymore...
as I've just very pleasantly discovered.
Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody just got their first vibrator.
Not first. Ultimate. And I think I'm in love.
Oh, please, stop! This is so sad.
I'm not gonna replace a man with some battery-operated device.
You say that, but you haven't met "The Rabbit."
If you're gonna get a vibrator, at least get one called "The Horse."
A vibrator does not call you on your birthday. A vibrator doesn't send you flowers the next day...
and you cannot take a vibrator home to meet your mother.
I know where my next orgasm is coming from. Who here can say as much?
That night, Samantha went on a date with a flesh and blood man...
while the three of us went in search of furrier companionship.
Ladies, I'd like you to meet the Rabbit.
Please! Think about the money we spend on shoes.
I have no intention of using that. I'm saving sex for someone I love.
Fantastic. Is there a man in the picture?
Look! Oh, it's so cute.
I thought it would be all scary and weird, but it isn't. It's pink!
Look. The little bunny has a little face like Peter Rabbit.
It's even got a remote. How lazy do you have to be?
Later that night, back at the brier patch--
You are not going to believe the evening I've had.
- Are you listening to me? - Yeah.
Jerry, who Samantha met at Brooke's wedding...
took her to Lava, New York's restaurant du jour.
From the moment I saw you at that wedding, I knew we'd have dinner together.
Aren't you cocky!
I'm the kind of guy, I see something...
I like it, I go after it.
You sound like my kind of guy.
Hold that thought. I'll be right back.
Ten minutes and a couple of cocktails later--
Where the hell is he?
He obviously had seen something else he liked and gone after it.
Then, just when she thought her evening couldn't get any worse--
Samantha? Hey, Samantha!
Bernie Turtletaub from the wedding.
Are you here all by yourself?
Well, sort of. I'm--
Sit down, join me!
God, you look great.
What Samantha needed now more than anything was a compliment from anyone.
I can't believe the synchronicity. I was just thinking about you!
So, do you like this shirt?
My ex-girlfriend picked it out for me.
Honey, no offense, but your breath--
It's these Chinese herbs I'm taking. You know, for longer life.
Well, with breath like that, you're gonna live a very long life alone.
I killed the last woman who talked to me like that.
Samantha was impressed. The Turtle had attempted a joke.
Once we get the breath under control, I'm gonna take him shopping for a whole new wardrobe.
He's a cute little fixer-upper.
Sweetheart, he's a man, not a brownstone.
Honey, when I'm through with him, he'll be Gracie Mansion.
Samantha and the Turtle?
But then again, I'm dating a man who will never get married...
and Miranda is having a meaningful relationship with something that comes in a box from Japan.
In a city of great expectations, is it time to settle for what you can get?
I needed some answers.
Later that week, I met Brooke.
Just back from her honeymoon, she was all business: the business of marriage.
I'd like to return these.
Is there any way you can melt them down into one decent gift?
So, how is it being married?
It's fabulous. I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted.
- And that's a good thing. - What's that supposed to mean?
It just means you're happy with Allen, right?
Yes, I'm happy.
Then I'm happy for you.
Listen, I hope I didn't give you the wrong idea.
I think Allen's great.
I mean, he's incredibly successful.
We think we're Carolyn Bessette. One day John-John's out of the picture...
and we're happy just to have some guy who can throw around a frisbee.
- Look who's here. Hey, you two! - What a small world!
I couldn't believe it.
It was the Turtle wearing Helmut Lange.
- Wow, he looks great! - Doesn't he?
- What do you think? - Fabulous.
He's like a whole new person.
Don't I have a 3:00?
That's right. I'm taking him to Bliss for a facial.
See you later. Bye.
I have to run, too. I'll call you.
She seems happy.
Samantha left with the Turtle, Brooke left with a better gift...
and I left wondering if everyone in Manhattan was settling.
My Zen teacher once told me that there was nothing like yoga to quiet a busy mind.
Just as I had reached the moment of no thought--
- I think I broke my vagina. - Sorry. Am I pulling too hard?
Metaphorically, I mean. With the Rabbit.
- So you've been using it! - Yes.
I'm scared if I keep using it, I won't be able to enjoy sex with a man again.
Have you ever been with a man..You know...
and he's like... he's doing everything and it feels good...
but somehow you just can't manage to--
Well, it's weird, 'cause with the Rabbit it's like every time, boom!
And one time, I came for like five minutes.
It's not illegal.
Yeah, but no man ever did that. I'm scared. What am I gonna do?
Well, you know. You could still enjoy sex with a man and the Rabbit.
No, no. I'm done with it.
That's it. I'm never going to touch that thing again.
- I got to cancel on the ballet tonight. - Why?
I'm expecting a phone call...
Iong distance phone call, transatlantic.
Charlotte could never tell a decent lie.
I knew an addict when I saw one.
I love Sleeping Beauty! The music, the sex, the costumes!
It's so romantic!
You only like it because she gets to sleep for 100 years, and she doesn't age.
I invited Stanford to the ballet. I knew he was available.
Stanford, cute, huh?
I've had it with the whole gay scene.
It's so competitive. You won't believe what happened to me last week.
Evidently Stanford, tired of bars and blind dates...
decided to place a personal ad.
He scheduled a rendezvous with the only respondent on a cold, Sunday afternoon.
Twenty minutes and three false alarms later, he was ready to call it quits.
Sorry. This is not gonna happen.
It's so brutal out there.
Even guys like me don't want guys like me.
I just don't have that gay look.
I don't know. You look pretty gay to me.
Come on, maybe it's just a phase.
Puberty is a phase. Fifteen years of rejection is a lifestyle.
Sometimes I think I should just marry a woman and get all the money.
- What is there, a cash prize? - Yeah.
My grandmother gives everyone in the family their inheritance when they get married.
- She doesn't know you're gay? - She doesn't believe in gay.
Really? That's funny. Big doesn't believe in marriage.
Maybe you should propose to me, and we'll all live happily ever after.
-You really do want it all. -I don't know. Maybe nobody gets it all.
Though, you do have a point.
We're best friends. We make each other laugh.
We both sleep with men.
This is not a bad idea at all.
- Actually, I was kidding. - I'm not! Think about it.
Who else would keep you in expensive shoes and encourage you to cheat?
Now you're talking!
Friday night at the ballet with a man who shared my passion for hot men in tights.
Saturday afternoon in bed with a man who shared my passion for passion.
Maybe there was such a thing as having it all.
What's that smile about?
Oh, I got a marriage proposal last night.
A very handsome, witty young man about to come into his inheritance.
Oh, I see. Anyone I know?
Actually his name is Stanford. Stanford Blatch.
I thought he was gay.
That should make for an interesting column.
What are you gonna do about sex?
I have you.
I guess you've got it all figured out...
The more he mocked me, the more convinced I became that this idea was genius.
That night, Miranda and I had plans to join Charlotte...
for a gallery opening in Chelsea when--
- Hello? - Carrie, it's Charlotte.
I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to cancel.
I'm totally wiped out.
That was Charlotte speak for "I'm spending the night with my vibrator."
But you guys have fun, though.
There was only one thing to do.
A rabbit intervention.
Come on, let's go!
- Okay, where is it? - What are you talking about?
The Rabbit. Give us the Rabbit.
Hey, it's a vibrator. It's not like it's crack.
Charlotte, you hid the Rabbit behind a stuffed rabbit? That is so you.
You have a lot of nerve coming in here. You're the one who made me get it.
I thought you could handle it.
It's no big deal. I'd just rather stay home with the Rabbit than go out with men.
All right. You're right. I'll go get dressed.
With a little help from her friends, Charlotte decided
that she wasn't going to settle for herself.
While Samantha was doing everything in her power to remake the Turtle
into a man she could fall in love with.
- How's your dinner? - It's questionable.
I can't figure out whether the mushrooms are shitake or chantrelle.
They're definitely not porcini.
Maybe they're wood ear.
Maybe it doesn't matter.
My God! They're trompettes!
It was then that Samantha realized that even with all her effort,
he was still just the Turtle in black.
You know, I'm not feeling very well.
I think I'm going to have to send myself home.
I'll call you.
Excuse me. Do you like this shirt?
My ex-girlfriend picked it out.
After 12 phone calls and three e-mails...
Stanford badgered me into at least meeting his grandmother.
I love that suit you're wearing.
Designed by Coco Chanel herself.
- Seriously? - Grandmother's been wearing that same suit for 40 years.
And it still fits.
- It never goes out of style. - Never.
I have it in blue, black, pink.
Stanford tells me you're a writer.
Yes, I have a column in The Star.
I was a career woman many, many years ago.
But I gave it up to have children.
Oh, wow! ls this you?
Not a bad-looking girl. Don't you think?
Doesn't she look exactly like Deborah Kerr in An Affair to Remember?
Oh, my God! This has to be Stanford.
- You're the same person. - That's enough.
Come on. This is fun. I had no idea you had such a big family.
How about you, honey? Do you want a family?
As I looked around at all the memorabilia and family photographs...
the faces of brides and grooms, children and grandchildren...
Yes, I do.
Stanny, be a dear. Go in the kitchen and get me some matches.
I love my Stanford. He's a very sweet boy.
But you know, he is a fruit.
I realized then that the only inheritance Stanford was going to get from his grandmother...
was her collection of Chanel suits.
That night at dinner, I knew I would have to break the news to Mr. Big.
What do you think?
I do want to get married someday.
Maybe not today.
But I don't want... I can't date somebody that won't. What's the point?
Definitely too much salt.
I mean, it's all in the timing. You gotta brown the garlic...
before you put in the onions, know what I mean?
I thought we were having fun.
It's bitter, but it definitely has possibilities.
You have a little bit of sauce on the lip...
My Zen teacher also said the only way to true happiness...
is to live in the moment and not worry about the future.
Of course, he died penniless and single.