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Sex and the City Quotes: Season 5

EPISODE 67: ANCHORS AWAY

Charlotte: I read it in a magazine.
Miranda: What magazine? Convenient Theories For You Monthly?

Carrie: It's over for me. Here lies Carrie. She had two loves and lots 'o' shoes.

Samantha: Ladies! Seamen, twelve o'clock!
Miranda: I pray when I turn around there are sailors, because with her, you never know.

Samantha: I can't even be around that man. He's dangerous and toxic.
Carrie: So he's manthrax?

Anthony: When's the last time you had sex?
(Charlotte pauses to think.)
Anthony: If you had to think about it it's been too long.
Charlotte: Well, when's the last time—
Anthony: 10:30 today at the gym!

(Samantha is posting signs about Richard on a street pole.)
Female police officer: Ma'am, it's against city law to deface public property.
Samantha: This man said he loved me and I caught him eating another woman's pussy.
Female police officer: Carry on, ma'am.

Sailor: Evenin', ma'am.
Samantha: Ahoy matey! Nice dickey!

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EPISODE 68: UNORIGINAL SIN

Samantha: I'll tell you how to babyproof. Use a condom!

Miranda: He got scared? ... When I get scared, I hide under the covers, not between somebody's legs.

Samantha: My friends don't believe you.
Richard: Am I dating your friends?
Samantha: With your track record I wouldn't put it past you.

Miranda: He has to get baptized and wear a dress.
Carrie: Baby's first drag show!

Carrie: So you're a pessimist, right?
Miranda: Have we met?

Carrie: Men who are good looking are never good in bed because they never had to be.

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EPISODE 69: LUCK BE AN OLD LADY

Carrie: People go to casinos for the same reason they go on blind dates: hoping to hit the jackpot. But mostly, you just wind up broke or alone in a bar.

Miranda: Why do we get stuck with old maid and spinster and men get to be bachelors and playboys?

Miranda: Today's the babynurse's last day. From now on you'll have to book me a year in advance.
Carrie: Wow, you're like Nobu.

Miranda: I am so excited! I have been dreaming of being alone with these for months.
Carrie: I love that The New Yorker is your porn.

Samantha: No wonder the house always wins. These guys are smothered in breasts. I don't know what I was thinking bringing a cheating man to Atlantic Titty!

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EPISODE 70: COVER GIRL

Courtney, showing Carrie her book cover: Let me talk you through it. Blurred background, aah, faced paced city. And you, naked with nothing but your ideas.
Carrie: I get it. But, see, no matter how fast paced the city, I always manage to get my clothes on before I leave the apartment.

Charlotte: What kind of diet book are you looking for?
Miranda: I don't know. Something with a title like How to Lose That Baby Fat by Sitting On Your Ass.

Stanford: His name is Marcus.
Carrie: And is he a Roman?
Stanford: No, he is not.
Carrie: Aww, too bad. I always adore a metal breastplate on a man.

Stanford: Before I tell you, you have to promise not to judge.
Carrie: Do I judge?
Stanford: We all judge. That's our hobby. Some people do arts and crafts; we judge.

Stanford, about to enter a women's dressing area: Knock knock! Nothing in here I haven't seen and ruled out in junior high!

Samantha: I will not be judged by you or society. I will wear whatever—and blow whomever—I want as long as I can breathe and kneel!

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EPISODE 71: PLUS ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

Charlotte: He should've mentioned her earlier.
Samantha: But not too early. I hate it when men do that. "I have a girlfriend." Calm down, I just asked if that seat was taken!

Miranda: I didn't tell Walker I had a baby.
Charlotte: How could you not mention it?
Miranda: It didn't come up! If Walker had asked me directly, "have you given birth recently," I would've said... first of all, define "recently."

Enid: That's the key to having it all: stop expecting it to look like what you thought it was going to look like. It's true of the fall lines, and it's true of relationships.

Stanford: I don't want to seem like a nobody now that I have a somebody.
Carrie: Oh, so it's okay to be a nobody when you have nobody?
Stanford: Well, apparently you're nobody until somebody loves you.

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EPISODE 72: CRITICAL CONDITION

Miranda: No, he's not sick. He's not hungry, he's not teething, he just wants to scream. I'm doing everything I can but I can't please him. If he was 35 this is when we would break up.

Miranda: This thirteen pound meatloaf is pushing me over the edge!

Carrie: Damn! Why is that girl still bothring me?
Samantha: Honey, you have to let it go. If I worried what every bitch in New York was saying about me, I'd never leave the house.

Samantha, critiquing "neck massagers" at the Sharper Image: That one actually works against you. If we wanted to work that hard, we'd get us a man, am I right?

(Samantha arrives at Miranda's house and offers to babysit.)
Miranda: I can't believe it!
Samantha: Neither can I, but here I am—Mary fuckin' Poppins.

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EPISODE 74: I LOVE A CHARADE

Miranda: How long have you two known each other?
Bobby: Oh, let's put it this way. Cats was just Kittens.

Samantha: All married couples stop having sex eventually.
Miranda: That's not true, you've had sex with plenty of married people.
Samantha: That's how I know!

Carrie: Why did she need to tell me the sex was amazing?
Samantha: Because it is amazing. She's amazed he's able to get it hard without another penis in the room.

Harry: Charlotte, I have to marry a Jew.
Charlotte: She can marry a gay guy and you can't marry an Episcopalian?

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