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Sex and the City: the Movie Transcript (Part A)



Year after year, 20-something women come to New York City in search of the two L 's: Labels and love.
- Yeah. - He's the best. - Hot dress!
Twenty years ago, I was one of them. Having gotten the knack for labels early, I concentrated on my search for love. Turns out, a knockoff is not as easy to spot when it comes to love.
What? You're married? You fucking asshole! Motherfucker, you're married?
Until it is.
I fucking hate you.
That is why you need help to spot them. Lots of help. Help also known as Charlotte York, Miranda Hobbes, and Samantha Jones.
- Oh, my God, look at his. - Hey. Hi, how are you? - Oh, well.
My name is Carrie Bradshaw, and I'm a writer. Year after year, my single girlfriends were my salvation. And as it turns out, my meal ticket.
I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted. Where is he?
Charlotte was looking for the perfect love.
Trey can't get it up.
Well, almost perfect.
I'm becoming a Jew.
We're not barren, we're reproductively challenged.
- They're giving us a baby. - That's our baby.
So Charlotte and Harry journeyed to China and back for their daughter, Lily. Miranda was a disciple of tough love.
- Bye. Great sex. - Steve, I'm pregnant. - You're what?
- Carrie. - I, Miranda Hobbes, take you, Steve Brady...
And Miranda journeyed to Brooklyn for Brady and Steve.
Who wants a Popsicle? Oh, man. Boy.
Samantha's love was sex. Lots of sex.
I'm dating a guy with the funkiest-tasting spunk.
Can I cancel my rice pudding?
And then she found a man that combined sex and love.
- I'm gonna help you be a star. - Yes, he is interested...
So Samantha journeyed to Hollywood with television star Smith Jerrod. As for me, I was looking for something big.
Get in.
Mr. Big. Turns out when that big love comes along, it's not always easy.
Just tell me I'm the one.
And despite all the other chapters of my life, no one was ever quite big enough until...
Carrie, you're the one.
And just like that, I was. Three books and three years later, we still feel like those four single girls. And even though time had moved us on, I managed to stay exactly where I was: in love.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I got a good feeling about this one, kid.
Oh, I hope so. I've always loved this block. Hi, 3C?
Finding the perfect apartment in New York City is like finding the perfect partner. It can take years.
- So how many is this? - 33.
- Lucky 33. - The worst. I just left you a message.
- And the kitchen's through here. - That's the window with the best view.
Thirty-four? Lucky 34? Well, if anything else opens up, let us know. We're very interested in this building.
I do have another apartment that's not even on the market yet. Care to take a look?
- Sure. - Sure.
All right, then. It's more than you were looking to pay.
- How much more? - More.
So this is where they keep the light.
Oh, my God. I have died and gone to real-estate heaven. Just a simple home for two.
And across the rooftop terrace...
What, nirvana? Hello. I live here.
Your wife has quite a sense of humor.
- They're not married. - He's my boyfriend.
This way.
Aren't I a little old to be introduced as your boyfriend?
Point taken. From now on, you'll be my man-friend.
- That sounds like a dog. - Well, if the shoe fits.
And this is the master bedroom.
It's hideous. I hate it. Hurts my eyes. How is this place even available?
Nasty divorce.
If you live here, what is there to fight about? Well, now I understand the divorce.
I can build you a better closet. Welcome home, baby.
- Can...? Can we afford this? - I got it. Okay, let's sign some contracts.
"I got it." Just like that. Like he was picking up a check for coffee or something.
It sounds perfect.
Except for the closet, which Big says he can redo. And he says the kitchen needs work. Of course, I don't know about that because I keep sweaters in my stove.
So he bought it and you'll live there with him.
Yes, together. That's right.
But he'll own it, so you're keeping your own place, right?
I haven't figured out the details, but I'm a smart girl. I'll figure out something that I'm comfortable with.
I just wanna be sure that you're being smart.
And I love you for that. But for now, can't you stop worrying for me and just go ahead and feel what I want you to feel, jealous? Oh, jealous of me living in this gorgeous penthouse in Manhattan.
- All right, I'm jealous. - Thanks.
You live in real-estate heaven and I live in Brooklyn.
New York magazine said Brooklyn is the new Manhattan.
Whoever wrote that lives in Brooklyn.
- Hey, there she is. Hey, Hollywood. - Hey.
- Oh, lady. Hi. - How was your flight? - Fabulous.
- Oh, good. - Good.
- Let's go in. I'm so excited. - Show us.
It was a rare occasion that brought all types of New York women together. Blair Elkenn was a waitress turned model turned actress, turned billionaire's girlfriend who came home one night to find herself unceremoniously turned out on the street. And now she was getting the ultimate breakup revenge: An embarrassing and very public auction of all the jewelry he had given her when they were happy.
- There it is. My baby. - Oh, she's a beauty.
When I saw it in the catalog, I said to Smith:
"This flower ring is the essence of me. One of a kind, filled with fire."
- And a little too much. - Exactly. Let's go spend some of my hard-earned Hollywood money.
And now Lot 39, the flower ring. We'd like to start the bidding on this at $ 10,000, please. At ten-thousand doll... Thank you, madam. At 10,000. Fifteen thousand. At $ 15,000.
Hey, she's bidding for somebody on the phone.
- That's not fair. - Bitch. - The gloves are off.
At $30,000. Now it's against you. Thirty-five thousand.
I work hard, I deserve this.
At 40,000 now. At 40? Forty thousand? Forty thousand, thank you.
Forty-five thousand. At $45,000. Now 50,000?
Fifty fucking thousand.
At 50,000. Fifty-five thousand? At $55,000 against you. Would you like to say 60? Sixty to our colorful bidder? At 60,000?
I draw the line at 50.
I thought this auction would be more fun, but it's kind of sad.
Isn't it? I thought it was just sad for me because I know her. But it really is sad, huh? And it's funny because they were so happy.
Yeah, till they weren't.
I know, right? We all told her to get married but she didn't wanna listen. He'd been married three times before, so she let it ride and then she came home one night and he had locked her out. She didn't even have anywhere to live. Such a shame. After 10 years. She was a smart girl till she fell in love.
I'm thinking...I'm going to sell my apartment and put the money towards heaven on 5th.
Why? You love your apartment.
I know, but there's plenty of room in the new place and besides, I...I want to make us a life there. You know, I... I want it to be ours.
It is ours. I bought it for us.
And that's so amazing, but you bought it. So really it's your place and if anything were to happen...
What's going to happen?
Come on, I have to be smart here. We're not married; I'd have no legal rights, you know, to... to this home that I built...with you.
- Did you wanna get married? - Well, I didn't... I didn't think that was an option.
- What if it was an option? - Why? What, do you wanna get married?
I wouldn't mind being married to you. Would you mind being married to me?
No. no, not if... not if that's what you wanted. I mean, is... is that what you want?
I want you. So...okay.
So...? Really? We're...we're getting married?
We're getting married. Should we get you a diamond?
No, no. Just get me a really big closet.
So the other night Big and I were talking about... you know, moving in together and our future, and you know, what makes sense as we move forward and...well, we decided to get married.
- And I'm deaf. - I'm so excited!
Everybody is looking.
Sorry! I'm so sorry, everyone, but this is my friend and she just got engaged. And she has been going out with the man for 10 years.
- I'm mortified. - There is literally a ringing in my ear.
And the big news was about to go bicoastal.
- Samantha Jones. - Well, I made a little decision I hope you'll be happy about.
- Oh, honey, you finally got Botox. - No, I did not get Botox.
- I'm telling you, Carrie, you're gonna love it. - I did not call to talk about Botox.
Well, I'm just saying.
So last week...after the auction, I started thinking about my options.
- Right. - And, well, Big and I decided to get married.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Well, that's great. - You sounded more excited about the Botox.
Honey, I am excited for you, but you know me. I don't really believe in marriage. Now, Botox, on the other hand, that works every time. Honey, I gotta go. We can catch up when I'm in town next week.
Hello. I think I was in shock. I mean, it's you getting married. This is not some random person, it's you.
Yeah, I hear you.
I guess I thought that after that big mess with Aidan, you'd never wanna get married. So I put you in my "we're never getting married" file. Now I'm gonna have to take you out of that file.
Well, I'm sorry about all the extra paperwork.
You'll get my bill.
Samantha, it just feels so different this time. You know, there's no cliche romantic kneeling on one knee. It's just two grownups making a decision about spending their lives together.
Well, I'm happy for you.
Oh, and hey, one more thing. I want you to be maid of honor. How do you feel about that?
The same way you feel about Botox: Painful and unnecessary.
74, 75, 76. 76 guests.
75 sounds better. A small wedding of 75 guests. 76 trombones, yes. 76 guests, no.
As a wedding gift, Charlotte had given me Anthony Marantino, friend and wedding planner.
All right. Well, that's...
Cutthroat. I love it. I hope you're this decisive when it comes to location and the dress.
- I found the dress. - What? When? - Yeah, the other day. I have it.
- This is gonna be good. - I am so excited.
Okay. Here it is. That was the exact reaction I was aiming for.
It's pretty, but it's... It's so simple.
It's simple and classic. When I saw it, I thought, "That is what I should marry Big in."
- Well, who's it by? What's the label? - No one. I found it at a vintage shop.
The bride wore a dress by no one.
Oh, come on, you know I'm gonna merchandise it up, style it up with some shoes.
- Right. - The invitation is fancier than the dress.
- I heard that. - I meant you to.
Don't tell anyone.
"The ultimate single gal, Carrie Bradshaw, will be married in Manolos to New York financier John James Preston come fall."
- Our wedding's on Page Six. - Who would put that in there?
"Proving to single gals everywhere that there can be a happy ending over 40."
- Carrie. - Congratulations.
It seemed everywhere I went, people had seen Page Six. Even people you didn't expect, like my Vogue editor, Enid.
We're putting together our annual age issue and we'd like you to do 40.
Great. Who am I interviewing?
No. You, you are 40. I want you to be featured in the magazine as the 40-year-old. And here's the brilliant twist: bride.
Wait, I'm... I would be in the magazine?
In bridal couture. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. So spare me a week of faux soul-searching and just say yes.
Enid, I am so very flattered, but honestly, I...
Carrie, Vogue designers. Vogue photographers. Vogue airbrushing. Nod your head. Yes. Thank you. It will be a sensation. We're calling it "The Last Single Girl."
Well, I'm hardly the last single girl.
No, but 40 is the last age a woman can be photographed in a wedding gown without the unintended Diane Arbus subtext.
I thought the issue was "Great Style at Every Age."
Style, yes. Bride, no.
Just your typical Wednesday, hanging out with old friends like Stanford Blatch and new friends like Vera Wang.
She's looking quite at home for someone who didn't think she had the bride gene.
Well, I guess with the right man...
And the right dress. When I get married, I'm wearing something like that, only bigger.
MAN: Beauty. Hot. Love the veil.
And Carolina Herrera.
MAN: Nothing fancy, but it's beautiful. Good work. Great, let's do it.
And Christian Lacroix… And Lanvin… And Dior... And Oscar de la Renta... And finally, Vivienne Westwood, a dress so special, it could bring a wedding tear from even the most unbelieving of women. And then, the impossible happened. And just like that. Vivienne Westwood kicked my sweet little suit's ass.
Can I lean?
Are you the last person in New York still taking out library books?
- I love the smell. - Oh. That's an oldie.
- "Love Letters of Great Men, Volume One." - Oh, am I in there?
No, no. But some of your classmates are, like Voltaire, Napoleon.
Young lady, you need to get glasses.
No, I don't. I have yours. Okay, here's Napoleon. "My dearest Josephine, I wake consumed with thoughts of you."
Typical short guy. Gives it all away upfront. Why are you reading this?
- It's research for my new book. - Oh. What's it about?
Love. I used to write about finding love. Now I wanna write about what happens after you've found it.
- Interesting. What happens? - Mm. Stay tuned. Oh, here, listen. It's Beethoven.
Bring it, Ludwig.
"My thoughts go out to you, my immortal beloved. I can live only wholly with you or not at all."
Good stuff.
"Be calm my life, my all. Only by calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together. Oh, continue to love me. Never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours." Have you ever written me a love letter?
Does a love fax count?
When have I ever gotten a love fax?
- Oh, I'm sure my secretary sent you one at some point. - Yeah.
What can I tell you, baby? It's not my style. Besides, those guys had to write. They were separated from their loves by wars and hundreds and hundreds of miles. I'm right here. Hello. You make me very happy.
Yeah, yeah. Put it in writing.
With my mind prenuptially preoccupied, I became delinquent with my library books. So now the tragic love stories of Wuthering Heights and Love Story were going to cost me more than a few tears.
- Excuse me, which way is the wedding? - Up the stairs.
It was perfect. Big and I would be married in the classic New York landmark that housed all the great love stories.

Where is the waiter with the check?
Jeez, Miranda, relax. Magda hasn't even finished yet.
I still have a brief to work on when I get home.
- I have to go to the bathroom. - I'll take him.
- Thank you, Magda. - We're gonna wash that beautiful face. Come, darling.
- What? - We can't let the hard working nanny finish her supper?
- I'm sorry, I'm exhausted. Brady woke me up at 5 a.m. - Hey, he woke me up too. - Yeah.
We gotta stop letting Brady come into our bed. You got milk on your top lip. What now?
It's like you're always criticizing me.
I am not. You wanna go through life with foam on your lip and no one ever telling you? Anything you wanna tell me? Is there anything you wanna tell me?
- Yeah. Yeah. - Wait. Wait. Don't come already.
- Yeah. - No, wait. Get on top.
Let's just get it over with. I mean, we gotta get up in four and a half hours.
We never have sex and you wanna get it over with?
Steve, we have sex.
When was the last time we had sex? There was snow on the ground.
- How often do you guys have sex? - Sex.
- Miranda, please. - What?
She's 3. She doesn't know what it means.
I'm 41 and I still don't know what it means.
I know, but she is repeating everything.
If I'd known the girl talk was gonna be on lockdown, I wouldn't have flown 3000 miles.
No, we can talk. Let's just not use that word.
Fine. How often do you guys?
- Color? - Thank you.
Well, I can't color enough. I could color all day every day. If I had my way, I would use every crayon in my box.
We get it. You love to color. Why are you asking?
Well, last night Steve and I were coloring, and I was just about to...
Come. I'm sorry, there's no crayon equivalent.
And he wanted to switch positions and I said: "Let's just get it over with." He kept trying to make it last longer.
- This is bad? - It is when you have a full-time job. - I have a full-time job.
You don't also have a 5-year-old, play dates, PTA meetings and a mother-in-law in a rest home with advancing Alzheimer's. We're just going through a no-coloring phase. It comes and goes, right?
Every couple is different. Harry and I make love two to three times a week.
- Great, now I feel worse. - Well, when was the last time for you?
- Six months ago. - Oh, my.
- It sounds long. - But... But that's a dry spell. - I bet it is.
Hey, Carrie. What about you and Big? Come on. I told. Tell.
Mm-mm. But I will tell you this. When Big colors, he rarely stays inside the lines.
Well, this has been very helpful.
- John? Hey. - Come here.
Totally outside the lines.

Well, send it to Smith Jerrod at the office address. I gotta go. Something just came up.
I got a gift for you.
So far, I like it. How'd...? Wait. That was you on the phone at the auction.
- I knew how much you wanted it. - But I was gonna buy it for myself.
Well, I wanted to give it to you for our anniversary. We met five years ago today.
- Right. - Do you like it?
Well, just to be clear, this is a ring with diamonds, it's not a diamond ring, right? - Yeah.
Well, in that case, I love it. It's my second favorite thing I've ever found in there. Now, my gift is a little bit more oral.
- Babe, I have to go to bed. - Bed? It's 7:30.
I have to be at the studio by 6 a.m. and I need to get a workout in before that.
You see, this is how it starts. Next thing you know, we're only having sex three or four times a week.
And that is how Samantha learned she had a new neighbor. From then on, night after night, while Smith got his beauty sleep, Samantha found something more interesting to watch than TiVo.

- Keep going. - Okay.
- Keep them closed. - Okay.
Okay. Open them.
Double doors. So far, so good. Oh, my God. Oh, you did me proud, mister.
- You like it? - Like it? It's love at first sight. Oh, my. Here. Wait. Hold this.
Now I believe this is all really happening.
I can't believe your apartment sold so fast.
- It's a sign. - Yeah, it's a sign I priced it too low.
Hey, that's the food. Will you buzz them in? And money's on the table. I'm gonna get started on the closet. I should be done in about 17 years.
All right. Pink Post-it: take. Purple: toss. Yellow: storage.
Oh, you're very good friends.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it. Lily, look who it is. Aunt Samantha.
- What are you doing here? - A lot of shit went down in this place. Attention must be paid.
Ah. Really, champagne.
- Remember this? - Oh, yeah.
While Samantha put on The Best of the '80s, I put on the worst.
It took four friends 3 days to put 20 years into 38 boxes.

While I run over to see your mother tomorrow, maybe you could take Brady by the first birthday party alone. And then I'll meet you at the twins' party, and you can leave and be at the bar by 6.
What's the matter?
I had sex with someone else. And you're so amazing, and I don't know how I could do that to you. You and I hadn't had sex in a really long time and I, God, it didn't mean anything. It just happened once. And it's been killing me.
- It's killing you? - It just happened. I... I... wasn't thinking.
- Do not follow me. - Scout, off. Miranda, it's still me. - Is it?
- Steve? I just... I can't believe it. - That's what I said.
Yes, it's sad. But I'm not gonna make it any sadder by staying at a bad hotel while I look for a place. Could you pass the salt? Plus, I have to be downtown and close to Brooklyn. We're gonna keep Brady's life as normal as we possibly can. I'm gonna have him on my days and Steve will have him on his and Magda will shuttle back and forth between.
Well, I don't really know if this question is allowed, but how is Steve handling this?
Says he's devastated, begs me to forgive him. It's not gonna happen. I can barely even look at him.
Miranda, honey, are you sure you wanna do this?
It's just one time. Anyone can have a slip.
Even if I could get my mind around that justification, it's the cheating part. The behind-my-back part, the violation of the trust. That's what's killing me.
Thank you for being you.
Charlotte made love to Harry four times that week.

Okay. Wedding crunch time. We need to get really serious here.
Okay, not now. I just got an e-mail from our contractor. He's pushed the move-in date yet again. I gotta write this guy and...
No. No. Wedding before contractor, all right? Unless you're planning to invite him, which would make the guest list 201.
Two hundred? Jesus, Carrie, it went up again?
- It's the dress. - You said 75 people.
How can I explain this? Look, you play poker, right? Well, the dress upped the ante. How you doing on your vows? Just a reminder. You'll be saying these in front of a lot of people, so the pressure is really on.
All right, up. I have to finish this. Up. I don't have time for this.
You're not taking it seriously.
No, no, I'm not. It is a circus. Two hundred people? Page Six? This is my third marriage. How do you think that makes me look?
I didn't know that was even an issue. So why didn't you say anything sooner?
- You wanted all of this. - Well, yeah. But don't you want...?
I want you. That's what I want. I could have just gone down to city hall.
I think it's too late for city hall now.
Well, no, I wasn't suggesting that...I was just saying... See, that's the face I've been trying to avoid. Come here.
You're a great man-friend.

And soon, it was the night before the big day.
There they are.
Now, I know it's tradition at the rehearsal dinner for the maid of honor to reveal embarrassing things about the bride. But in our group, we never kiss and tell. So I'd like to make a toast to the groom.
- There's a word he's heard before. - Who's that guy again?
- Karl. He's a partner at the firm. - Karl's kind of a jerk.
- You know what they say, three time's a charm. - Hey, dickwad, I'm speaking.
- Yeah, Samantha. - Yeah.
Now, there were times when we had our doubts about this gorgeous man. But after careful observation over the last hundred years, my doubts are over. So here's to the groom, a man who finally got "Carrie-d" away.
- Here's hoping, John. - That is a jackass. Here.
- Cheers. - That was really nice. Thank you.
- There's nothing like an illegal Cuban cigar after dinner, huh? - Exactly.
- So that was quite a toast, Samantha. - Well, you're quite a guy.
- I don't wanna bother you all. - You're not bothering us.
But...I need to talk to Miranda. Samantha, could you ask her to come out? I don't wanna go in. It's a party and all.
Sure.
- Hey. I haven't talked to you all night. - Steve's here.
- Hey, guys. Would you give us some? - Yeah, sure, going in.
You're all right?
You didn't leave me any choice. You won't return my calls. You only talk to me in front of the baby and you know I can't say anything.
What could you possibly have to say that could make it any better?
Please. It was just that one time.
You broke us! You broke us. What we had is broken.
WOMAN: What the fuck is happening?
I changed who I was for you.
Are you all right?
No, I'm not all right. You two are crazy to get married. Marriage ruins everything.
- Hey. There you are. I thought you'd skipped out on me. - No.
Well, the all-gal sleepover's about to commence. Hey, is everything okay?
Yeah. I'm just tired, I guess.
All right. Well, go home and go to sleep. But first give me a kiss good night and make it a good one because it's the last single-girl kiss.

- I always knew she would marry Big. - Oh, you did not. - That's crazy.
Yes, I did. After every breakup I secretly thought, "Nope. They belong together."
You thought that after the second breakup?
- Yup. - After the fifteenth?
Ha-ha. That's hilarious. We broke up a lot.
Yeah, but after the breakups comes the hot make-up sex.
- Hey, you wanna get that? Open up. - Sex.
Are you sure she's not my child?
- Hello? - It's me.
Oh, my God, did you just hear Lily?
- I need to talk. - What?
I'm sitting here trying to write these vows and… is this something we really wanna do?
Hey, you know what? You guys, it's Big. I'm gonna... I'm gonna take it.
Get some sleep, groomie.
- What's the matter? - It's just everything is great as it is. I don't wanna screw it up.
- You won't. - I screwed it up twice before.
Here's the thing. This is me you're marrying tomorrow. Me. It's nobody else.
Yeah?
And I'm marrying you. It's me and you. And do you wanna hear the great news there?
Yeah.
We've both already done everything we can to screw it up. Is that a smile I'm hearing?
Yeah.
It sounds to me like you've got a bit of writer's block on the vow front.
Yeah.
And I find, you know, as a professional writer that it's best to just, you know, just stop thinking about it so much and go to bed. And in the morning...
You'll know what to do.
Exactly. And if not, then just write this: I will love you. Simple, to the point...and I swear I won't even try to take credit for it. So you're gonna go to bed now, right?
Okay. Good night.
I'll see you tomorrow. And hey...it's me and you.

Now, there's a bride. Before we leave, we're gonna pick up our flowers, right, girls? Miranda, you're gonna have the dahlias. Samantha, you have the roses. And Charlotte...
We can take care of it.
Hello? Could you put Carrie on the phone, please? Hello?
Who let the dogs out? Get these dogs out of here! That's all we need is the lift of a leg on the train of a dress. Could you open this door, please?
- Wait, wait, hold it. WOMAN: I'm trying to find out...
Hey, it's Carrie. Leave me a message.
- See you then. Bye-bye. WOMAN: Just so beautiful.
- Blue. - Yes, sir.
- Red and black. - Okay, I'll see you there.
- Where's black? - Oh, I'm coming, I'm coming.
- You're following the red. - I'm coming.
Okay. Come on. Let's go. Yeah, okay, you're in.
There's the bride. Look, she's dressed like a princess, do you see?
Can you hold that? Thank you.
It's like pushing a cream puff through a keyhole. See you at the library.
Hey, it's Carrie. Leave me a message.
Why haven't you called me back? Look, I really need to talk to you. Call me as soon as you get this.
No more wedding guests on these stairs, understand? Bridal party only. We've got a problem. They're not here.
- They're probably stuck in traffic. - Both of them?
Hey, it's Carrie. Leave me a message.
I can't go in without you. Baby, this whole bride-and-groom thing has really got me thrown. I need to know that it's still us. Just you and me. Like you said. Come on, baby. Turn around, let me see you.
Oh, look at mommy, here they come.
SAMANTHA: Easy, does it? MIRANDA: We're here.
The traffic was the worst. 57th Street was just...
- Hello. You guys look great. - Ready. We're ready.
- He's not here. - Who's not here?
- The groom. - What's happening?
- Big's not here. - But we're 25 minutes late.
Well, did anybody call him? Well, give me a phone. Somebody give me a phone. All right, I don't know how to work this.
Here, sweetie.
Hey, you know what? Let me just look at your tie for a minute.
- Hello. - Are you okay?
I've been calling for an hour. Why haven't you been answering?
Because I don't know where my phone is. So, what's going on? Where are you?
I was out front. I just left. I can't do this.
- Oh, my God. - Carrie? Carrie.
- He's not coming. Oh, my God. - What do you mean, "He's not coming"?
- Get me out of here. Get me out of here! - Go, go, go.
- I’m gonna take her. - I'll stay here and deal with all of this. - All right, all right. Here we go.
What the fuck am I doing? Turn around, go back.
It's a one-way street.
By the time we go around the block, she'll be gone.
There's no one behind us. Turn around.
- I think this is them. - Pull over. Pull over.
Carrie. Carrie. I freaked out for a minute, but I'm ready now.
I knew you would do this! I knew it!
- Carrie, I'm sorry. - I am humiliated!
- I'm sorry. I'm... I'm sorry, Carrie. - Come on. Come on.
- Carrie, wait, I'm sorry. Carrie. - No! No!
- Come on, we're gonna get in the car. - It's all right, it's all right.
Let's go, man. Move it.
I thought I would still be in extreme pain. I feel nothing. I'd like some more nothing. Yes, I'm still jilted.
What the hell got into him? He was perfectly fine at the dinner.
- I knew it when he called last night. I could tell. - Then why didn't you say anything?
I didn't wanna believe it. I didn't even wanna say it out loud. Now I have nowhere to live.
- You'll stay here. - Forever.
- Maybe you should eat something. Anyone? Hungry? - No.
I can never go back there again. How am I gonna get my clothes?
Oh, honey, I can hire people to do all that. Anything you need.
A hit man? I have nothing to wear but a wedding gown.
You have your honeymoon clothes here.
Well, there's the silver lining. A honeymoon at a romantic Mexican resort that's prepaid on my credit card because I wanted to surprise the man who jilted me.
I can get you out of that. Worse comes to worse, I'll say there was a death or something.
Wasn't there?
- Keep those eyes closed. Keep them closed. - Charlotte. Come here. Come here.
I did something really bad, I think. I said something to Big at the rehearsal dinner.
What do you mean?
It was right after Steve showed up. I was upset. Big came over to me, and I said something like: "You're crazy to get married." It just came out. Do you think it's totally the reason?
No. Big has been weird about marriage for years.
I keep thinking I should tell Carrie.
No, no, no. This is a bad time to even mention it. No, no, no. Find another time later.
Well, it turns out, I couldn't get her out of the honeymoon, but I got us in.
- What? - I just booked us three seats on the flight. Mexico, here we come.
I can't go to Mexico. I have a job.

Jerrod. Smith Jerrod, with a J. That's right. Great, thank you.
- Make sure that the car is there... - We're here. I'll call you back later.
- Welcome to Mexico. - Do you have wi-fi? Thanks.
I'm sorry, I'm confused. I'm waiting for a Mr. and Mrs. Preston.
Honey, you'll be waiting a long time. We'll talk.
- This will kill her. - Where is she? - In the powder room.
- Well, let's look around. - Yeah.
And this is a master suite.
- Oh, my God. Here. You get that side. - Where are we gonna put these?
Here. No more honeymoon stuff. This is very important.
- Here she comes. - It's going to be a gorgeous sunset.
Close the shutters. All of them.
- Morning. - Did I dream it?
- Carrie? It's dinnertime. You slept the whole day. - So?
- Honey? You have to eat a little breakfast. - I'm tired.
Well, eat something, then you can go back to sleep.
- Carrie. - Is there coffee?
- Yeah. Yeah, of course. - The sun feels nice.
Jesus, honey, wax much?
What? I didn't know I was gonna be wearing a bathing suit.
- What are you talking about? - I forgot to wax.
- Since when, 1998? - I've had other things on my mind.
I could be on death row when I have that situation.
Well Samantha, when you're married, you have a different set of priorities.
Oh, honey, don't blame marriage. This one's married and she's not growing a national forest. How do you even cross your legs? Let me make you a spa appointment. Any thicker and you won't be able to find it.
So, what, it's my fault? I let the sex go out of my marriage. I deserve what I got? Thanks for understanding.
- Honey, I'm sorry. That's not what I... - I'm fine.
Hey, let's go down to the hotel for dinner tonight.
- Really? - Yeah. I gotta do something to pull me out of my "Mexi-coma."
- Oh, honey, you made a little joke. Good for you. - Yeah.
- My name is Felix, I'll be your server. - Felix, we'll start with cuatro margaritas.
- Oh, no, I'm not drinking. Just bottled water. - I'll drink hers.
- May I have your room numbers? - We're staying in one of the private houses. Number 3.
- Very good, Mrs. Preston. - That was like taking a bullet.
Charlotte has pudding in her Prada.
- Will I ever laugh again? - Yes.
- When? - When something is really, really funny.
Thank God for that mariachi band or I'd be able to hear my own thoughts.
- Fabulous. And keep them coming. - Thank you.
He couldn't get out of the car. After 10 years of what he already put me through, he couldn't make the effort and get out of the car. I made the effort. I put a bird on my head.
- Is that what that was? - Yeah.
- I thought it was feathers. - It was a bird.
- It was beautiful. - Beautiful.
He's a bad guy. Always was. Bad guys do bad things.
And good guys do bad things. The good guys screw you and the bad guys screw you.
The rest of them don't know how to screw you. Trust me, I've done the legwork.
After everything I know, after 20 years of everything we've learned, I threw it all away for the thrill of putting his name on the honeymoon suite. If I met me now, I wouldn't know me.
As long as we're going down this road, I can't believe that my life revolves around a man. On what planet did I allow that to happen?
But you love him.
Does that mean saying his name 50 times more a day than I say my own? Does it mean worrying about him and his needs before me and mine? Is it all about the other person? Is that love?
No, that's marriage.
Even this ring. I wanted to buy this for myself. That meant something to me, to be able to do that. And then he buys it for me.
- Because he knew how much you loved it.
Yes, but now every time I look down at it, I see him not me.
- Is every...? - We'll take another round.
- Another? - Relax. We're on vacation.
Technically, we're on my honeymoon.
No, I think we're on their honeymoon. Yeah, it's all so hot three days in.

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