604. Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little
In New York City,
it is a statistical fact that once every 7 minutes,
an unsuspecting woman.
Shut the fuck up!
Dates an actor
Let me go.
My husband will be home any minute.
one of the perks of dating Jerry the Actor
was getting to stage full scale fantasy productions.
Please. Please don't hurt me.
I'll do anything, anything.
Just shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up!
Oh. You are really good.
I said, shut the fuck up!
No, you shut the fuck up
and fuck me before my husband gets home.
And then he pretended to tie my hands behind my back
and the whole time he kept screaming
'shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up' I tell you,
it is so refreshing to be with someone who likes to fuck outside the box.
And this is my friend Samantha.
The wallflower. Right.
That is incredibly offensive.
Violence against woman is very serious issue.
Oh please. It was a fantasy.
Fantasies can't be censored.
Actually I think the supreme court is working on that right now.
All fantasies are healthy and harmless.
Don't you agree?
You know as a guy,
I've always on the impression
that great or anything in great family is just not a good idea.
Can I go home now?
There is no greater sound than your friends laughing at your new boyfriend's jokes.
Well that's not the only scenario we play.
Sometimes he's Senator Smith or Principal Smith.
Okay. Moving on. Uh, Miranda.
How was your date with the real estate guy?
Actually it wasn't horrible.
He was kind of cute and funny and..
Hello? Oh. Doctor Smith.
Thank you for returning my call.
He thinks I may have the mumps.
Now that's hot.
So how did the date end?
He walked me home. I'm sorry.
Are you maxed out on girl talk?
No, no, no. I'm good.
- I'll let you know. - Okay.
So he kissed me good night at the door.
I invited him up,
he couldn't because he had an early meeting.
We kissed again.
Then he said he'd call.
Two kisses. Very promising.
You think? Even though he didn't come up?
It means he likes you but he wants to take it slow.
Berger, what do you think?
You really wanna know?
Please. I would love to have a man's opinion for a change.
All right. I'm not gonna sugar-code it for you.
He's just not that into you.
That's not true. Don't listen to him.
No. No. I'm intrigued.
Look, I'm sorry but when a guy's really into you,
he's coming upstairs meeting or no meeting.
Oh, that's is ludicrous.
What about extenuating circumstances?
What about you're stressed out;
you're on deadline; you have a migraine?
A lot of guys are afraid of getting their feelings hurt
and they don't wanna ruin a friendship.
Or they're freaked out by their own feelings?
There's a lot of push-pull out there. A lot of mixed messages.
Yeah. I have to say that's all code for
he's just not that into you.
I'm sorry but with guys it's very simple.
If we're into you, we're coming upstairs.
We're booking the next date.
There are no mixed messages.
No mixed messages? But..
I've spent my whole life deciphering mixed messages.
I've made a whole career of it.
Wow. He's just not that into me.
He's just not that into me.
Ignore this person.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
You are fired.
Look. If he's not into you,
the guy's obviously a weenie so..
No. No. I love it.
It is the most liberating thing I have ever heard.
Think how much time in therapy I could have saved
over the last 20 years if I had known this.
I still think that real estate guy is gonna call.
Yeah I think you got an uncomfortable e-mail coming your way.
Something like 'sorry I haven't called.
I'm in a place in the world where they don't have phones'.
(I love him)
The best part of a night out with your friends
is talking about them all the way home.
Charlotte is a trip.
- They all are. - They thought you were hilarious.
Miranda, how do you not love Miranda?
I know. I love her.
And I love that you loved her.
Oh god, she loved you.
They all did.
And they are a tough crowd.
I'm a tough crowd.
Okay. Your choice.
Fudgesicle or nutty-buddy.
Oh my god.
I wanted this one.
Oh and when you went to the men's room they were all¡¦
What? Am I talking too much?
No. I wanna say something
and I don't want you to say anything back okay?
I love you.
I love you too.
And I am not saying it because you said it to me I promise.
I was gonna say it before.. I was thinking it the whole night.
I love you.
I just wanted to say it again on my own.
In my euphoric state,
I knew there was only one kind of person who can tolerate me.
I'm in love too.
I'm so happy for you.
It's the fastest I've ever said I love you
but I literally could not hold it in my mouth.
And why should you?
There's no reason. You're in love.
I'm in love.
I love Harry so much it hurts.
Sometimes I look at Berger
and he's so cute
I just wanna squeeze his face off.
This Friday night is my first official Sabbath.
So I am cooking a big traditional dinner for Harry.
I'm so excited to finally be a real Jew!
Here's your brisket ladies.
Oh listen. Listen.
I said lean!
Just when I thought my week couldn't get any better,
I came home to find a little surprise from Berger.
Sure you love me... But can you love my book? -B
From Berger's book to Samantha's books.
I'm sorry Ms. Jones but...
you owe the US government 300,000 dollars
in bag taxes.
But auditor Smith.
I don't have that kind of money.
What are you gonna do?
Take the shirt off my back?
Take the shirt off my back.
This is what I call internal revenue!
In my Fantasy,
¡°Hurricane Pandora¡± would be brilliant.
All right if you're still not finished, it's all over between us.
I just finished it just this minute, I swear.
Did you stop for meals?
Hey. It's been two days.
It's 400 pages.
Yeah well, I can't date a slow reader.
Are you done?
- Question is, are you done? - Yes I'm done.
And if you would shut your trap,
I could tell you that I love,
love, loved it! I loved it.
Except for one huge problem.
You have your leading lady running all over town wearing a scrunchie!
The hair thing?
What's wrong with that?
Nothing. Unless you're writing about women on the island of Manhattan,
in which case uh.. where do I begin?
What are you talking about?
A lot of New York women wear scrunchies.
In the bathroom maybe,
when they're washing their faces.
You're full of shit.
I see women every single day, all over New York City wearing scrunchies.
Okay but here's the thing. Here's my crucial point.
No women who works at W-magazine
and lives on Perry Street would be caught dead
at a hip downtown restaurant wearing a scrunchie!
Man, it's a good thing I came along
because you may know the fellas
but I know the ladies.
- Can I read you my favorite part? - No.
I'm done talking about the book.
We ordering in?
He completely shut down. Why?
Why did I have to get up on the sassy horse
and ruin everything?
Yeah. Sass will bite you on the ass.
And the thing that kills me is I loved the book.
I could have gushed about it all night.
Why did I have to go straight to the negative
and just pick at it.
Because you're in a relationship.
I used to pick at Steve about everything.
The way he held his fork,
his grammar, his dirty fingernails.
He has a new girlfriend for that now.
Do you think Debbie picks at Steve?
All women pick. It's in our DNA.
It's our little way of showing that we care.
Well I think I made it abundantly clear
just how much I care.
Well you have to work it out with him.
Berger has single handedly changed my life.
I still haven't heard from the real estate guy.
But it's fine.
He's just not that into me.
I think right now, Berger's just not that into me.
So talk to him about it.
He just seem like he can laugh your way through anything.
Yeah. That kind of thinking is what got me into this in the first place.
One of the signs that a female gorilla is in love
is that she can be seen picking nits off her male companion.
And yet in humans,
nit picking can ruin a perfectly good evening.
Not to mention a relationship.
Women are known to be more verbal than men,
but, when does criticism that's constructive become destructive?
Are there times when the ladies should just shut the fuck up?
The next morning, another woman was making too much noise.
What an earth is all that banging?
Oh good morning Mrs. Collier!
I'm a Jew now. How are you?
I know he'll call eventually.
He's just going through a really hard time right now.
His boss got laid off¡¦
Later on her lunch hour, Miranda checked her BlackBerry.
There it was,
the uncomfortable e-mail Berger had predicted.
He's really busy it's like
'ah~ I can't call. My God, I'm so stressed. '
He'll call you.
Yeah he's gonna call.
And his kitchen's being rewired.
- That's all so complicated. - Yeah that's like a two-day process.
I couldn't help overhear your conversation
and I hope what I'm gonna say will save you a lot of time and energy.
He's just not that into you.
So move on. Have a great day.
Having passed on the gospel to these New York women,
Miranda could only hope they would spread the word,
far and wide.
- Bitch. - Who the hell asked her?
- I know you didn't. - I hate these people in New York.
- He is so gonna call you. - I know.
And as two women's fantasies were being shattered,
another's were being brought to life.
Department of Homicide.
Afraid I'm gonna have to ask you some questions ma'am.
Why certainly detective.
Am I in some kind of trouble?
- Two martinis please. Straight up. - Yes ma'am.
Actually make mine a seltzer.
Of course. You're working.
But do you know detective.
My little drink won't kill you.
- He'll have a martini. - No, it's a seltzer.
Seriously Samantha, I'm in AA.
That sobered Samantha right up.
I was toally like fucked up for eight years in Seattle.
You know, I just realized I have a presentation first thing in the morning so¡¦
Jerry had taken the fantasy into dangerous territory-
No, dude, I said a seltzer.
Meanwhile, Charlotte was hard at work on her fantasy role.
Okay, the kugal's in the over.
The Matzo Balls are boiling.
There's three hours till Sabbath.
I think we should start braiding the hallah.
Doesn't Sabbath mean the day of rest,
i. e., ordering in?
We're wearing aprons.
Do you own aprons?
- The hallah! - Okay, okay.
You don't have to hallah!
Miranda, like this.
Oh. I don't know what I'm doing.
Why did you call me over here?
Because I didn't want to spend the rest of the week saying
'yes, you had to be there'.
Hey. Did Harry's friend ever call you?
Yes. As a matter of fact, I'm seeing him tonight.
You think I could get away with this outfit?
Definitely. The apron softens you.
Can you read me what's next after it's braided?
With her high school boyfriend,
With Harry, she jew-dled.
Um.. I think it calls for two cups of Mrs. Harry York Goldenblatt.
Did I miss something, did you get married while I was at work?
No. But that's where we're headed.
You forget Charlotte Yorkenblatt.
Actually, I've been making some calls and I was wondering
how you both felt about November.
November for what?
For our wedding.
Most of the synagogues are booked through the fall.
November works for me.
Has Harry even proposed yet?
No. But he will.
Aren't you counting you Matzo Balls before they rise?
Miranda. Zip the lip.
Harry and I have an understanding about our future.
We don't have to talk about it all the time.
I don't know what that means.
It's meant to be.
I would never have gone through all this trouble
if I didn't know for sure that we were getting married.
I'm sorry; I just don't want to see you get hurt again.
And ever since her reality check with Jerry,
Samantha had no interest in seeing him again.
However, when a certain government official called,
she was more than happy to take a meal.
Secret service agent Smith.
If you're here,
who's protecting the president?
You know I changed my mind.
I thought of something even hotter for us to play.
Hotter than secret service sluts?
- Yeah. - Oh.
I'm me, you're you. Go.
You know when I told you the other night
I was in AA, you bolted.
What's up with that?
Jerry. It is Jerry, isn't it?
I'm afraid we want different things.
You want to tell me all about you
and I don't want to you tell me all about you.
It spoils the fantasy.
- That's harsh. - Yeah. I am harsh.
I'm also demanding,
stubborn, self-sufficient and always right.
In bed, at the office, and everywhere else.
I already knew that.
And that's just a little bit about me.
All right. Cool.
Let me tell you one little thing about me.
See, this is exactly what I¡¦
At least let me tell you my last name.
Your parents named you Jerry Jared?
No wonder you drank. Right.
There would still be accountants and undercover agents in their future
but that night,
Samantha and Jerry got off on playing themselves.
Meanwhile, I was looking forward to putting the scrunchie moment behind us.
Unfortunately, it was staring us in the face.
Okay. I'm sorry to have to do this
but I do believe we are in the presence of a scrunchie.
I also do believe, and correct me if'm wrong,
that we are in New York City proper,
this woman is not appear to be washing her face.
She appears to be standing on line
at a hip downtown restaurant.
So, kinda kills your New York Women Theory.
Tough break Bradshaw.
- She's not from New York. - What?
It doesn't matter. Did they say how long it was gonna be?
Hi. I'm sorry to bother you.
We're just wondering what part of New York you live in?
I may! Oh gosh.
I am from Macon, Georgia.
But thanks you made my whole day.
Honey did you hear that?
These people think I live in New York.
I'm so hungry when are they gonna let us sit down?
Downtown over 'Kareem mat at Chutny',
Miranda found herself presently surprised by Charlotte's matchmaking skills.
That was one spicy baryonic.
I've lost all feeling in my tongue.
Listen, I know a great place around the corner
if you wanna get coffee.
you know I wish I could but I really should call it a night.
Hey. It's fine. I understand.
You're just not that into me. And it's okay. I get it.
No No. I like you.
I just¡¦ really have to go.
Paul. Come on, you can stop lying.
I am not lying.
Come on, be a man.
Tell the truth.
I have diarrhea.
Apparently, there is one rare exception to Berger's rule.
And it often involves curry.
After dinner, Berger ate banana cream pie
and I ate my words.
Another thing I love was the way you used the sister's phone calls
as little land posts.
I mean.. land marks. Miles.. mile post. I don't know.
Anyway, I just loved those sort of punctuated the story.
It's just really nice touch.
Oh my god. The introduction, brilliant!
You're instantly on this guy's sight
even though he's a complete mess.
You really just nailed him.
While I was working overtime,
Charlotte's work was finally coming to an end.
Harry. You can come on in now. Sorry it's so late.
What's all this?
Well since it's our first Sabbath together,
I wanted to make it a little special.
A little? This is phenomenal.
I just need to get the candles and then we can say the Bracha.
Oh, come on.
Honey, please turn that off. We're about to eat.
And you made brisket. I cannot believe you made brisket.
- Good Sabbath. - Good Sabbath sweetie.
I cannot believe you made all this.
What did I do to deserve you?
I feel the same way.
I've been thinking about blessings
and you're such a blessing to me.
What are you¡¦
why is the TV on?
It's on mute. Mute? Mute?
We're having Sabbath dinner.
It's a big game honey.
Turn it off. I want you to turn it off right this minute.
- But it's¡¦ - Off now.
Let me just watch this one pitch.
I gave up Christ for you
and you can't give up the Mets?
It's gonna be a long life if you keep that up.
I gave up Christ for you, take out the trash.
I gave up Christ for you, pick up your socks.
Do you have any idea how hard I worked to prepare this meal for you?
I went to Zabar's everyday this week.
I had to make 30 Matzo Balls
just to get four that were the right size and shape.
Not to mention the months of studying
and cramming like a maniac to convert to Judaism.
And what have you done for me?
Set the date!
Set the date.
What are you talking about?
You said you couldn't marry me
unless I was Jewish and now I'm Jewish.
Set the date!
You're acting crazy. Do you hear yourself?
Do you know how lucky you are to have me?
Do you know how we look?
Do you know what people out there think when they see us together, do you?
Yeah I know what people are thinking.
I just didn't think you were one of them.
Finally, it was Charlotte who was on mute.
I don't need this. I'm leaving.
To think I bought a ring.
The Mets won that night 5 to 4.
But Charlotte lost everything that mattered to her.
Oh. I just remembered another hilarious part.
And later, on the corner of 73rd and Mayacovar,
You know the scene where the dishwasher guy
is spooning up the rice checks
and he's putting them back in the box,
How'd you come up with that?
That's so lame.
No it was not. It was hysterical.
I'm not talking about the book.
I'm talking about what you're doing right now.
I just wanted you to know how much I loved your book.
Because I did.
And I'm sorry I muddied it up with the whole scrunchie thing.
- It's not that big a deal. - Okay.
I think I'm gonna call it a night.
I gotta get an early start tomorrow.
Are you kidding?
No. Thanks for dinner.
I'll call you tomorrow.
And then there are times when a New York woman should not shut the fuck up.
Hey. Berger. Berger.
You can't just pull that line on me and walk away.
Well this time it's true.
You're obviously still pissed
and I'm sorry but you can't just shut down like this.
We have to be able to say what's on our minds.
If you thought that I had made some kind of mistake,
I would want you to tell me.
Oh? Nice hat.
It's fabulous and you just said that to hurt my feelings.
Well that's how you made me feel the other night.
So you can just walk away now.
Yes I can.
Well look. I'm sorry. All right?
What was I suppose to do with that scrunchie comment?
Was I suppose to hop in my time machine and go back, fix my entire book?
I don't know what your problem is
but it doesn't have anything to do with a scrunchie.
Yeah. It's about the fact that my book is a big fat fucking failure.
It's just, you know,
I already feel like shit.
You trying to pump me up all night,
I'm sure this is all very sexy you probably never¡¦.
I wanna say something and I want you to listen.
You're a beautiful writer.
And I loved your book.
And I love you.
And I still think you're very sexy.
And I'm not gonna let you make a joke right now.
Then I got nothing.
Saying I love you is easy.
What comes next is a little scrunchier.
Harry hadn't called in two days
except to say he was sending
someone over to pick up his TV.
Just what New York needs.
Another single Jewish girl.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Mind if I get in there and wash my face?
Not at all.
Where'd you get that?
Well, Macon, Georgia.
Why, you wanna try it on?
You're gonna look so pretty with this scrunchie on.
604. Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little