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Sex and the City Season 6 Episode 14

614. The Ick Factor

In autumn, New Yorkers treat every nice day as if it could be their last.
I'd have another? what do you say?
You're a bad influence.
I waited and waited. You said to meet you at the subway.
I was at the subway. I was at the foot of the stairs.
You were at the subway? You was in the subway.
Oh you don't know how to give directions! I waited three¡¦
- It's gonna be us in thirty years. - Pease don't say that.
I'm kidding. That could never be us.
That already was us, remember?
Yeah but that was then.
So for the future, I don't wanna become that.
Okay. I don't want you to worry about becoming that.
Okay. I won't.
Anything else we don't want?
Yeah. I don't want you paying for these beers.
I'm serious. Your turn.
Okay.
- I don't wanna become your mother. - That's good.
I don't wanna slack off like I used to.
I don't wanna be so moody. This is fun.
I don't wanna lose you again.
Even if I screw up all the other stuff, that's the one that matters.
I don't wanna lose you either.
Will you marry me?
Are you serious?
Yes. Will you?
Hell yeah.
Some couples have to say their I don'ts before they can ever imagine saying their I dos.
80 blocks and a world away,
I was enjoying a different kind of happy hour at Aleksandr Patrovsky's.
That's pretty. What is that?
It's a little tune I've made up for you.
What? No you didn't.
Yes I did.
La femme avec les yeux lumineux.
Which means a woman with a luminous, shining, sparkling eyes.
That is the cheesiest thing I have ever heard in my life. Ick!
I know. I can't even look at you all right now.
I'm so embarrassed.
It all sounds very old world to me.
Very 18th century Russia.
Yes and I live in New York City Circa now.
I think it's romantic if someone offers me a sit on the subway.
That is romantic.
We are just starved for real romance and that is the sad truth.
I'm not starved. Smith is in LA for the week
and he calls me every night before he goes to sleep.
Phone sex does not count.
I'm drinking a glass of wine while we do it.
I wanna hear more about the romance. What else? What else did he do?
Well. There was one more thing but if you I tell you,
it will be the ick heard around the world.
It will not.
You know the song that he wrote for me?
Yeah. Ick.
Well, it had a name.
La femme avec les yeux lumineux.
The woman with eyes that Sparkle?
What's French for ick?
EEEck.
And I swear to you while he was playing it, I floated up out of my body
and I was on the ceiling looking down at myself thinking¡¦
'come on!'
He was just expressing genuine emotion in an old fashioned way.
But it's not genuine. It's pure show.
I can't stand all that artificial hoo-hah.
That's why I proposed to Steve over $3 beers.
You proposed?
You proposed marriage?
Okay. Everybody stop. It's not a big deal.
I'm not engaged.
I'm not doing the big circus wedding.
There will be no white dress or bridesmaids or posed pictures.
I hate all that shit.
Well that's your choice. Every bride has to find her own style.
When is it gonna be?
Soon as I can find some place that doesn't make me hurl.
It's just gonna be a simple, nothing thing.
I don't even care about the wedding.
I just wanna be with Steve.
Oh. Miranda.
Okay. This is exactly what I don't want.
No tears.
Oh my god.
I can't believe it.
That's it. You're all freaking me out.
Samantha, I expected more from you.
He just felt inspired to write her a song and then he played it for her.
Isn't that the most romantic thing you've ever heard?
Yeah. Not bad.
I used to play clarinet when I was little.
This is so good. You have to have some.
Doesn't that taste like real butter pecan?
Okay. If that's what we're playing, sure.
I can pretend it's whipped flavored air's the real thing. Yum.
I mean it's something out of the Victorian novel.
People just don't do those things anymore.
Hey I can be romantic too, you know.
Oh honey I know you can.
I think it's romantic that you walk me to the Tasti-Eelight every night.
Don't humor me.
I know how to do romance right. It's not just for foo foo foreigners.
In fact, I am gonna take you out for a real romantic night on the town.
Wining and dining baby. Really?
You bet. Let me get another lick of that.
I don't wanna make a big entrance. I don't want everyone staring at me.
And from looking to loving.
I just wanted to be like us. Like...
not like one of those millions cookie cutter weddings I had to suffer through.
How do we do that?
What about one of those boat rides that goes all around the island? That's different.
We're not boat people. When have we ever been on a boat together, ever?
Okay. You got a better idea?
- Shit. - Oh, shit.
This is so us. We are pathetic.
This gum is like super glue. Look at this.
You see? We're bad people, not boat people.
We should get married right here in this mess.
We're gonna have to if I can't get this gum off.
Hey.
That's a nice garden.
Yeah. It's pretty.
But not corny.
What do you think?
I don't hate it.
The only thing harder than choosing a spot for a wedding when you hate weddings
What about a guestbook?
Is choosing a wedding gift for a friend who hates weddings.
Sweetie, there's gonna be like 8 of us there. There's no one to keep track of.
- Can't believe Miranda's getting married. - I know.
- This is pretty. - She'll hate that. Too domestic.
And too bridy.
Yeah. Let's try not to piss her off.
Well maybe we should just buy her a stapler and wrap it in brown paper
and just smear just dog poo on it.
You think she'd be comfortable with that?
Fine. We'll get the dish.
Ladies. I have something to tell you.
And you're not going to like it.
If you get married and leave me all alone, I will kill you.
As you know I have always loved my body just the way it is.
My legs are fantastic, I have killer abs.
My ass is perfection.
Is this the part we're not gonna like?
But I have decided after careful consideration
that I might be ready for bigger boobs.
Since when?
Since I had a cold hard dose of reality.
From this. Look.
You're in 'In Touch' magazine?
And that's your source of reality?
Yes. They named Smith Jarred the number one hot guy to watch.
They followed him all over town for a week.
I'm in half the pictures. See.
There are my boobs on Wednesday. See how small they are?
There they are again on Thursday. Teeny tiny.
And there they are having lunch. You can barely see them.
I should have bought my loop.
I can't believe you would actually consider having a boob job.
I can't believe you went to Planet Hollywood.
You are a confident intelligent woman.
Why would you wanna look like a bimbo.
I wouldn't be getting the watermelon freak show kind.
I'd get something tasteful. Something like...
- yours. Yours are good. - Mine?
- What's wrong with mine? - They're not bad either. Let's see.
Okay. All right. Get hers.
No.
A few days later the rain came.
Listen if you like this poem.
Poem?
And so did the poetry.
So long had life together been that once the snow began to fall
it seemed an ending
that leads to flakes should make her eye lids wince.
I chilled them with my hand and
they pretending not to believe that cherishing of eyes would beat
against my palm like butterflies.
That is some serious stuff.
Had enough, huh?
No. It's beautiful.
How about I read you a little bit of my favorite poetry?
Please.
Cocktails at Tiffany's calls for classic charm.
Oscar Delarenta(?) sleeveless silk five.
Full skirted dress with black-patented leather bow belt.
Now that is pure poetry.
Oscar's a good friend of mine.
I'll tell him you like the dress.
Oscar? You call him Oscar?
It's his name, isn't it?
So you feel uncomfortable with the poetry.
Why is that?
Look. I'm sorry. Perhaps we were not properly introduced.
I write a column based on the assumption that romance is either dead or just phony.
You think I'm phony?
No. Not at all. I'm the one that feels like a phony.
Frankly, I'm just not used to these grand gestures.
You mean no other man, no one write you a little poem
or played a little music for you?
No. No they have not.
Wow.
Okay.
I'm in over my head. Where are you?
Shopping for my wedding dress on my lunch hour.
I said no white, no ivory.
No nothing that says virgin.
I have a child. The jig is up.
So. Yesterday the Russian read me a Russian poem.
- But you know, in English. - Are you just making this stuff up now?
No. And this might sound crazy but I don't think it's an act.
I think he actually means it.
That doesn't make it okay.
Has he considered your feelings?
You're right. He's a selfish pig.
I'm serious. I think you should tell him this whole romance thing gives you the icks.
Turns your stomach and that he's dating you, not Anna Karenina.
Okay I'll tell him that. I can't tell him that.
And let me ask you something. If you're so anti-romance,
why are you having a wedding at all? Why not just go down to city hall
and get it over with?
You know, I thought about that.
But then I realized I actually do wanna say those vows out loud to Steve
in front of the people I care about.
Are you gagging over there?
No. The opposite.
My god Miranda, you're my cynical touchstone.
Do you promise to still be cynical even after you're married?
I do. I have got to go.
There's a big pile of too-toos coming at me.
Okay. We need to have another talk.
One of the great things about living in New York City
is that you don't have to sugar coat your feelings.
But have New York women settled for a sugar free existence as well?
We accept Tasti-Delight instead of real ice cream.
E-mails instead of love songs.
Jokes instead of poetry.
It's no wonder that faced with the real thing,
we can't stomach it.
Is it something we could learn to digest or
have we become romance intolerant?
#@#%#$ course, we would like the foie gras,
followed by the "boeuf" bourgignon avec la legume a la creme.
it was Harry's version of a serenade.
And Charlotte ate it right up.
The plate or the cart? We have a lovely cheese cart.
Mais oui. Bring us the cart.
Tuit suit for my sweetie.
I had no idea you could speak French so well honey.
The French learn romance from me baby.
Downtown, in the name of boob job research,
Samantha decided to go where the biggest crop will be on display. - Woo, nice!
Some were little boobs, - That is so bad.
some were big boobs,
some were ridiculously big boobs. - Oh, boy. - Okay that's my wife right there.
And then there were the two biggest boobs of all. Right beside her.
Can I get you something?
You either have the most naturally beautiful breasts I've ever seen
or I need the name of your doctor.
You want doctor Bevel. He's the best.
They paid for themselves in tips alone.
Meanwhile, back in the 18th century,
Oh. I'm sorry. Is this a formal sleepover?
Actually there's an opening at the Met tonight.
It's La Traviata. And you're going with me.
Man, I was this close to throwing on my ball gown but I ignored my instincts.
- All right, I'll go home and change. - No. You'll be much faster.
Come in.
Come on, Open it.
Tonight only your poetry, not mine.
From the magazine. You like it?
If I had been on a romance free diet, this seemed like a good time to binge.
That was the most romantic, elegant.
Pardon me. That was weird.
Decadent, 7 course.
I'm sorry honey.
Oh boy.
Are you okay?
Honey.
Are you gonna be long in there?
Maybe. Oh definitely. Why?
That's okay. I'll go to the other one.
When you splurge on romantic 7 course meal,
you generally want to remember every bite.
There was the soup course, the dessert course,
and all the other yummy courses in between.
That's gotta be it. I'm done.
Harry and Charlotte had romance shooting out of them every 20 minutes.
- Oh I'm not. For the rest of the night.
Wouldn't go in there if I were you. It's not pleasant.
- I can't make it to the other one. - It's the fucking fromage.
No.
That fucking fromage.
Look out. I'm coming in.
Surviving a night of food poisoning together wasn't the stuff of great romance
but it was the stuff of lasting love.
Meanwhile, a funny thing happened on the way to the opera.
Wait, wait.
This music. This place.
You.
Isn't it perfect?
Will you dance with me?
It was the most romantic moment.
- Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Are you okay? - Is she all right?
You okay?
No. It's too much. I'm an American.
You gotta take it down a nudge.
- She need any help? - No, he's got it.
And then a quarter a pound of cheese.
McNuggets.
Would you like to super size that?
- Can you handle it? - Absolutely.
Absolutely.
- I'm sorry about the opera. - Don't be silly. Other time. Other dress.
May I offer you a fry?
- They're French. - Oh, then.
Okay. I think I might be up for a quick spin now.
- If you'll still have me. - Of course.
That'll be $9.54.
And there beneath the florescent moonlight,
I was finally laughing with romance and not at it.
And if I went any bigger than this,
I think I'd look ridiculous, don't you?
Well, that's not my work. But I did hers.
And hers right before the golden globes.
Wow, they're winners.
Other arm please.
I have been a? in two months that I'd really like to have a little cleavage for.
Will they be up and running by then?
Ms Jones, you have a little lump I'd like you to have checked out before we begin our work.
It's right here, you can feel it yourself.
Are you kidding?
No, I'm afraid not.
Okay. But it's not serious, right?
Well, it's probably just a sys but we wanna be absolutely sure.
I'd like you to have it looked out, as soon as possible, okay?
By Miranda's wedding day, I felt the whole world have gone romantic
when Samantha insisted on picking me up in a cab.
What has come over you? This is a hundred block out of your way.
Now we're going to 10th and 6th avenue please.
- Boy you look nice. - So do you.
Thank you.
So I had my breast consultation with a plastic sergeant.
Please tell me you've changed your mind.
Well not exactly. He found a lump.
And I had it biopsy-ed, and it turns out I have cancer.
You what? When?
Well I had it biopsy-ed on Wednesday and I found out yesterday.
I'm going to give you all the informationand I don't want you to get upset
or start worrying and the only reason I'm telling you now and not later
is I didn't want to accidentally blurt out
'I have cancer' in the middle of Miranda's wedding.
Could you please take 5th? Broadway's a disaster.
Okay. I'm listening.
And please don't tell Charlotte and Miranda.
I don't want to ruin their days too.
Of course, whatever you say.
So. What exactly do you know?
Just that there are cancer cells and I it monogrammed and they think
it's small which is a good sign.
And I won't know anything else until they take the fucker out next week.
So there, now you know everything and we can talk about something else.
So do you like my skunk?
Well, thank you for telling me.
Sure.
I'm sorry to put a big cloud over the whole day.
Samantha.
I know I'm gonna be fine. I know that.
It's just..
I don't wanna lose my breast.
- They're fabulous. - They are.
For better or worse. For richer or poorer,
For richer or poorer.
To love and to cherish for as long we both shall live.
To love and to cherish for as long we both shall live.
This is my solemn vow. This is my solemn vow.
Now Miranda. I Miranda Hobbes.
I Miranda Hobbes.
Take you, Steve Brady. Take you, Steve Brady.
To be my husband To be my husband
Look, mommy and daddy are getting married.
For richer or poorer, For richer or poorer,
In sickness and in health, In sickness and in health,
To love and to cherish as long as we both shall live.
To love and to cherish as long as we both shall live.
This is my solemn vow. This is my solemn vow.
Do you promise to uphold these vows
you've made here today witnessed by your closest friends and family?
- I do. - I do.
With the power invested in me by the State of New York,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Come on everybody, it's happy time.
It's happy time. Come on. Everybody.
The one wedding ritual Miranda never had a problem with was the part
where everyone eats and so we did.
Samantha, you look so pretty today.
- Thanks. I have cancer. - What?
- Are you all okay with drinks? - No we're not okay with drinks.
- Keep 'em coming. - Cool.
- I like the color of your dress. - Thank you.
I admire you for not pretending.
So we're family now and there's something private I wanna tell you.
- Oh you don't have to. - The day I married Steve's father,
I wore white.
But I shouldn't have. I slipped.
Once. God forgive me. Don't tell Steve.
When I walked down that ail at St. Agnus,
I had a white dress on the outside and my little Jackie on the inside.
Steve?
Hey. Ma. Still hungry?
Come on. Let's get some chow.
Oh my god. I am legally bound to Steve's mother.
- Hi. - Congratulations.
What? Why are you being weird?
We're not being weird.
No, we're just talking.
About me, right?
You think I'm an asshole, that I've become one of them.
- That I'm a Stepford bride. - No.
Then tell me what you were talking about.
I'll tell you tomorrow. I don't wanna ruin your special day.
Forget about my special fucking day and be normal, please. I beg of you.
I have breast cancer.
What?
See? It's now my special fucking day.
You have breast cancer?
Hey, no tears.
Miranda, I expected more from you.
See, this is what we were afraid of. Go back to your people.
We'll talk about this later.
You are my people and we'll talk about it now.
Now start at the beginning.
You are the bossiest bride in the world.
Yes I am and you have to do everything I say.
Oh.
Now start talking.
Okay. Do you remember when¡¦
For better or for worse,
we were all ourselves that day.
Just the way Miranda wanted it.
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There are 6 episodes left of Sex and the City.
Is this little trip your honeymoon?
Who's taking care of Brady?
I could take care of him part of the time.
We are going to spend the afternoon at the Hotel Petrovsky.
Is he a baby person?
I plan on being naked for the next 4 days.
Hello.
I am having an anxiety attack.
Help!
- I'm Samantha Jones. - Please stay behind the partition.
I am a nun.
Are you allowed to masturbate?
You are lucky to have touched my breasts.
And the question that I need to ask, it's impossible to ask.
- And what is that? - Oh my god!
No!
Only 6 episodes left of Sex and the City.
Don't miss the next one.

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