402. The Real Me
Carrie (V.O.): A little past ten, I was dressed to the nines at Brasserie Eight And A Half located on the corner of Right Now And Everyone Was There. It was the place to see and be seen.
Stanford: Look at that one…Mary, hail a cab! Do you think he’s a model?
Carrie: A model what? A model citizen, a model home, a model airplane?
Stanford: I think it’s the dirty-haired Gucci guy, with clean hair.
Carrie: Wow, He’s so versatile. Why don’t you go over and say hello?
Stanford: He’s gorgeous. The only way I could get a guy like that interested in me would be to pay him.
Carrie: Stanford my love there’s no need for you to enter Hookerville.
Stanford: Carrie, I know what I look like.
Carrie: Then you can’t see what I can see.
Carrie (V.O.): Lynn Cameron was a much sought after fashion show producer as valuable to a show’s success as Valium or Velcro.
Lynn: I just told Damien you have just so fucking saved my life. Oh, sorry this is my boyfriend Damien. I use the term boyfriend loosely as Damien is clearly a homosexual.
Carrie: Well, in that case this is my boyfriend Stanford.
Lynn: You so have to be in this fashion show I’m doing. A mix of models and no one is more New York or has more style than you.
Carrie: Lynn, I’m a writer.
Lynn: You’re fuckin’ doing my show if I have to hunt you down, skin you alive and have one of the other models fuckin’ wear you.
Carrie: I’ll call you next week.
Lynn: Could this place be any louder?
Stanford: I’m so coming!
Carrie: To what? I’m not a model.
Stanford: Then you can’t see what I see.
Int. Coffee shop.
Miranda: I’ll start with a salad with extra blue-cheese dressing, thank you.
Samantha: Are the vegetables on the veggie plate organic?
Carrie: They have beef potpie on the menu, what do you think?
Samantha: I’ll just have a cup of hot water with lemon, thank you.
Charlotte: Isn’t it hard to eat just organic all the time?
Samantha: Oh, it is so hard, last night I could not stop thinking about a BigMac. I finally had to get dressed go out and pick up a guy.
Miranda: Talk about a happy meal.
Carrie: Well, lady, you have never looked better, you’re body is amazing.
Samantha: Wow, I hope so. I’m having nude photographs taken on Wednesday.
Miranda: What are you going to do, have post-cards made out to hand out to prospective dates?
Samantha: This is not about a man’s approval. This photo is just for me so when I’m old and my tits are in my shoes I can look at it and say ¨Damn, I was hot.¨
Miranda: Isn’t that a little narcissistic.
Samantha: No one thinks its narcissistic when you get your seventh grade picture taken.
Charlotte: You weren’t naked in that!
Carrie: That we know of.
Samantha: Look, I like my body, I’m getting these pictures taken what’s the big problem?
Carrie: No, problem. You are my hero. I think it’s fantastic that you can just put it out there.
Carrie: I can’t even say yes to being in some charity fashion show.
Samantha: New York style? You were asked to be part of that? That’s huge! All the top designers are doing it.
Miranda: Wait, they want you to be a model?
Carrie: No, no, no. It’s a mix of real people and models, I know the producer.
Charlotte: Carrie, you have to do it, you live for fashion.
Carrie: I do not live for fashion.
Charlotte: How many fashion shows did you drag me to during fashion week?
Carrie: Eight, what’s your point?
Charlotte: Why are you turning down the chance to actually be in one.
Carrie: I do not belong on a runway, runways are for models not writers.
Charlotte: What’s the difference between strutting down a runway and the way you strut down Fifth Avenue?
Carrie: Strut? Do I strut? Am I a strutter?
Charlotte: I think it’ll be fun. I was a teen model when the Ralph Lauren store opened in Newhaven.
Miranda: Ok it’s amazing I was able to keep my lunch down just now.
Carrie: I just… I cannot imagine walking down a runway where all the people sit there and judge me.
Charlotte: No one would judge you.
Carrie: We judge models all the time.
Miranda: But, you’re not a model you’re one of the real people.
Carrie: Exactly and I don’t want people to think that I can’t see the difference between a model and me.
Samantha: Who gives a fuck what people think, this is a fabulous opportunity. Honey, you’ll probably get to keep the clothes.
Carrie: I thought of that!
Samantha: I’d do it in a New York minute
Charlotte: so would I.
Carrie: What do you think, mutey?
Int. Crunch Fitness gymnasium
Carrie (V.O.): While Miranda would never dream of walking on a runway, she had no problem running on one.
Dave: I happen to know you were on that treadmill for longer than thirty minutes. That’s illegal here at Crunch Fitness.
Miranda: I’m starting to train for the marathon, first time.
Dave: Wow, good for you. I was the captain of my high school track team but marathon?
Dave: I’m Dave.
Miranda: Well, have a good workout.
Dave: That’s it?
Miranda: Is there more?
Dave: I hope so. I’ve been watching you for months, I think that you are very sexy.
Miranda and Carrie are talking on the phone.
Carrie: So, what’s the problem?
Miranda: He said ¨I think you’re very sexy¨
Miranda: I was wearing no make-up and my Hanes three dollar old man’s undershirt. I just can’t believe a guy would think that I was sexy.
Carrie: Ok, I’m hanging up now.
Miranda: No, I’m serious, smart yes, sometimes cute but never sexy. Sexy is the thing I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality.
Carrie: You win men over with your personality?
Miranda: They want you to be a model?
Carrie: Ok, I’m hanging up now.
Int. Carrie's apt.
Carrie (V.O.): Later that night I got to thinking about Narcissus, a man so consumed with his own image he drowned in it. Did he have no best friends to mirror back and help him reveal himself? And why is it that we can see our friends perfectly but when it comes to ourselves, no matter how hard we look, do we ever see ourselves clearly?
Carrie (V.O.): Samantha on the other hand saw herself a little too clearly.
Int. Photo studio.
Photographer1: Ok, Samantha. Tiger here has a variety of music choices to ease you into the shoot and help you feel a little more comfortable.
Samantha: I’m comfortable.
Samantha gets naked.
Photographer 1: Ok camera. Tiger?, Tiger?
Tiger: Yes, sir...
Ext. Charlotte and Carrie are walking on NY street.
Charlotte: Do you like your gynecologist?
Carrie: Yeah, she’s amazing, why?
Charlotte: I think I might want to see someone else.
Carrie: What’s happening?
Charlotte: Well, Trey and I are still just talking we’re not ready to move back in yet.
Carrie: No, what’s happening with your vagina?
Carrie: Sweetie I’m not bugged, it’s just us listening.
Charlotte: Maybe a yeast infection, but my gynecologist says no. But something’s definitely off.
Carrie: What are the symptoms?
Charlotte: I don’t want to talk about this. Can you just call my machine and leave her number?
Carrie: Hey, do you know anyone that Stanford could go out with? If we don’t find him someone he’s going to start dating hookers.
Charlotte: Hookers? OoOH!
Carrie: Exactly. Charlotte, would you say that I’m strutting right now?
Charlotte and Anthony are talking on the phone.
Carrie (V.O.): Charlotte decided for Stanford Blatch, it would have to be someone cute, someone with style, someone like Anthony Marantino, her wedding gown stylist.
Charlotte: Anthony hi, it’s Charlotte York MacDougal.
Anthony: Sorry, I thought it was my mother. Fifteen phone calls to make sure I can get cheapest possible sheets from Bed & Bath and freakin’ beyond.
Charlotte: I was wondering if you were dating anyone right now?
Anthony: I’m dating everyone right now. Why?
Charlotte: I have this friend Stanford.
Anthony: What does he look like?
Charlotte: He is adorable.
Anthony: Who would play him, in a movie, who would play him.
Charlotte: I don’t know, Ed Harris. A younger Ed Harris.
Anthony: That’s hot.
Int. Miranda’s apt.
Carrie (V.O.): And speaking of hot, Miranda ended her first date with captain crunch.
Miranda: That was fun.
Dave: I hope I didn’t talk too much. I think the only words you actually said all night were…¨That was fun¨. God, you are so sexy…what...you don’t think so?
Carrie (V.O.): Maybe he was right. After all, who was Miranda to argue with the captain?
Int. Carrie's apt. (Carrie receives a phone call from Lynn)
Lynn: Miss mother-fucker, why have you not returned my last two-hundred phone calls?
Carrie: Lynn, I really don’t think that I should do this show. I’m not a model and as much as I would like to think that I can walk down…
Lynn: Carrie, you’re in or you’re out. I don’t have time for this. I’m sure Dolce & Gabbana can find someone else to dress.
Carrie: Dolce & Gabbana?
Lynn: Each designer picks the person they want to dress.
Carrie: Dolce & Gabbana picked me?
Lynn: Yes fuckhead!! And those are some picky Italians.
Carrie: Do you think that I would be able to keep the outfit?
Int. Carrie is trying outfits on with fashion designers.
Oscar: what’s up love?
Carrie: Oh, I’m coming.
Oscar: Oh, me likey.
Oscar: Perfect in the bust and the waist. Turn, love. Do we likey? Oh, no likey de length have to take it up about four…
Carrie: I know I’m short, I’m too short but I’m very, very comfortable in heels, honestly the higher the better so feel free to put me up in the big gal shoes.
Oscar: Walk love, walk.
Oscar: Turn love, turn, turn. Trot back. Good, good, good.
Oscar: Look what the pussy’s dragged in.
Paul: Hello, Oscar.
Oscar: We’re just calling me O’ now, love.
Paul: Who’s this?
Oscar: Carrie Bradshaw, Our New York style model.
Carrie: Model? God, no. No, no. I’m a writer.
Paul: I’m Paul Denai, the photographer.
Carrie: I know your photographs.
Paul: I’m just doing a little behind-the-scenes book about fashion week. Do you mind if I shoot your fitting?
Carrie: Sorry that was….I…I wasn’t ready...
Paul: That’s the point Oh. Don’t mind me I like the surprise.
Oscar: I’ll give you a surprise. Now, what’s your opinion love?
Carrie: Me love or him love?
Oscar: You, love.
Carrie: I don’t know whatever you think.
Oscar: No changed my mind, I’ve got something better.
Carrie: Oh, what was that?…sorry I’m very uncomfortable having photographs taken.
Paul: How does a girl who doesn’t like to have her picture taken wind up in a fashion show?
Carrie: I’m in it for the free goods.
Paul: Well, maybe if I explain how a camera works over a glass of wine sometime?
Carrie: Well, I’ve never been a gal to turn down a free lesson.
Paul: Or a free dress.
Oscar: Here it is. Do we likey?
Carrie: We likey.
Int. Charlotte’s getting her vagina checked.
Carrie (V.O.): And speaking of uncomfortable.
Gynecologist: Ok you can put your legs down, now. It is not a yeast infection.
Charlotte: It’s not?
Gynecologist: I have an entire file of women all with the same symptoms. Itching, stinging, burning. All of them think they have a yeast infection. It’s not. It could be vulvodynia.
Charlotte: Is it serious?
Gynecologist: No, it’s mostly just uncomfortable. We can get it under control. I’m going to prescribe a light antidepressant.
Charlotte: But, I’m not depressed.
Gynecologist: It’s not for you, it’s for your vagina.
Int. coffee shop.
Carrie: Your vagina is depressed?
Charlotte: The mood elevator sort of corrects the imbalance.
Miranda: Wait a minute, how do you know your vagina’s depressed?
Charlotte: There are symptoms.
Carrie: Like what? It can’t meet its deadline?
Miranda: It always wants to go to Krispy Kreme.
Charlotte: Ha, ha, it’s so funny. My vagina’s depressed.
Charlotte: Stop. I might have vulvodynia.
Charlotte: So, everyday I have to keep a vagina journal.
Miranda: No, come on. ¨Dear Vagina, why so blue?¨ kind of journal?
Carrie: ¨Dear Vagina, guess who I have a crush on?¨
Charlotte: No, more like Itchy today, not itchy.
Carrie: Sounds like a best-seller.
Waitress: Ready to order?
Carrie: I guess we’re still waiting, But you know, Could I have a hot water and some lemon.
Miranda: I’m fine but Charlotte maybe your hu, hu would like an order of fries?
Miranda: I guess not. Thank you.
Samantha: Sorry I’m late I had to pick up my nude contact sheets. Look!
Miranda: Ok, but only until the food arrives.
Samantha: Charlotte I want your professional art eye opinion
Charlotte: That’s not very arty! I can see your… everything.
Samantha: Oh, this is the full frontal I just did that to warm up.
Charlotte: You should have warned me, really.
Samantha: What’s the big deal? It’s just a vagina.
Charlotte: It’s magnified. I’ve never even seen mine that close.
Samantha: Oh, come on. You’ve never seen yourself up close and personal?
Charlotte: Carrie, have you seen yours that close?
Carrie: How did I get involved?
Miranda: Charlotte you’ve never looked at yourself with a hand mirror?
Samantha: Oh my god! Honey, I insist you go home right now and take a look or better yet take my compact and make a quick trip to the ladies room.
Charlotte: I don’t want to look. I think it’s ugly.
Miranda: Well, maybe that’s why its depressed.
Samantha: What did I miss?
Int. Miranda’s apartment.
Carrie (V.O.): On their second date Miranda was did most of the talking she was feeling confident and sexy.
Miranda: I like my life, I love my job, I love my friends...
Carrie (V.O.): She couldn’t believe how comfortable this new Miranda felt.
Miranda: And I love meeting new people, like you.
Carrie (V.O.): Miranda had no idea what had changed…
Int. Samantha’s looking for the perfect frame for her nude pictures.
Samantha: I want pure class, I’m thinking ash or a charcoal grey matt inside the frame.
Shop Employee: That’s on either side?
Carrie (V.O.): Even though Samantha had done the photo just for her she still wanted to be seen a certain way by men.
Shop Employee: Charcoal would bring out the grey tones.
Samantha: The mat should stop about an inch away from my breast, right here. See my breast? And then stop right around here near my ass, see that?. Right near my ass.
Shop Employee: How’s next Thursday?
Carrie is talking to Paul Denai (the photographer) int.
Carrie: And you took this one of Cindy Crawford. Photo by Paul Denai.
Paul: How can you remember? It was the ‘90s.
Carrie: It was ‘92.
Carrie: I loved her beauty mark so much I used to pencil one on, Then I’d move it around whenever I had a blemish. It’d be here and then it’d be here. Sometimes it’d be here and here.
Carrie: Oh, here’s another one.
Paul: I can’t believe you have this book. It’s getting embarrassing.
Carrie: No are you crazy? I love this. You know when I first moved to New York and I was totally broke sometimes I would buy Vogue instead of dinner. I just thought it fed me more.
Paul: I used to do all that high fashion shit but the behind-the-scenes stuff I’ doing now is so much better. More real.
Paul: No, the reality of people with all their little flaws. It’s their little flaws that make them so much more beautiful.
Carrie: Oh, forget reality and tell me about the models. Who’s a big bitch and who’s a bigger bitch?
Paul: Sorry, I never click and tell. Why are you so fascinated with the models?
Carrie: I just love them. I don’t know they’re just beautiful.
Paul: I want to show you something, you show me one model whose more alive…or more beautiful than her.
Fashion Show (backstage).
Stanford: So, which one is your new boyfriend?
Carrie: Oh , it was only one kiss.
Stanford: It’s so predictable a model dating a photographer.
Carrie: Stanny, I’m a model!
Stanford: I may have a stroke. So, do I look alright? I’m a little nervous about the Charlotte fix-up.
Carrie: Oh, you look fabulous. You have fabulous seats. Everything’s going to be fabulous, I can’t think about you anymore, I’m a Model.
Stanford: You’re a Super Model.
Carrie: Oh, and I made them put me in these super high, high heels. I’m going to be so freaking swell.
Stanford: Super model and super size it please.
Carrie: Excuse me. Hi, I’m Carrie Bradshaw where do I go?
Staff member: Over with the non-models.
Carrie: What’s her problem?
Stanford: Oh, Gucci and Tucci and Dior.
Carrie: Oh, my!
Carrie: Look, this is the Polaroid of the dress.
Carrie: Oh, me likey, that’s a fashion thing!
Stanford: Here’s one of Frank Rich… and Fran Lebowitz these are the other real people?
Lynn: Ok, what the fuck is wrong?
Carrie: Frank Rich? Fran Lebowitz? What? Dolce and Gabanna couldn’t get Ed Koch?
Lynn: Gucci got him. What’s the problem?
Carrie: I’m such an idiot, I actually convinced myself I belonged here.
Stanford: You do belong here.
Carrie: Can I go home?
Lynn: No, the entire show is timed per model. And you’re fabulous.
Carrie: I’m a non-model.
Lynn: But you’re fabulous! Lighten up.
Stanford: Ok, so you’re not Heidi Klum but you’re the modeliest of the real people.
Miranda: I mean, he told me I was sexy and then he didn’t want to kiss me. Was it me? Suddenly I wasn’t sexy? What’s does it mean?
Samantha: Who knows? These are men, you could lay your pussy on a table right in front of one and still not know what he’s thinking.
Fashion Show (backstage)
Carrie (V.O.): And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse.
Oscar’s assistant: There’s been a change. You’re not wearing this. You’re wearing this.
Carrie: Ok, I’m going to need to speak to someone.
Oscar: I had to lose the dress, love, I saw the Dior shake something similar right before you. It’s a fashion house of cards, love.
Carrie: I can’t wear jeweled underwear.
Oscar: I just want you to look at them. Aren’t they fantastic? No, please, really
Carrie: How can I make this clear ¨me no likey¨
Carrie: Paul, can you do something?… But not that.
Oscar: Try them on, you’ll love them.
Carrie: No please, really, I’m going to faint. I can’t wear jewelled panties and strut out in front of Frank Rich. I respect Frank Rich. Frank is a writer.
Oscar: You’re not just wearing panties, love. They come with a fantastic coat. Try it on. Come on, trot, trot.
Carrie: It’s just, I have a certain look you know and I just really don’t think that jewelled panties is it.
Oscar: If you look like a whale, we won’t send you out there. We’re Dolce and Gabbana for Christ’s sake... Come out or I’m coming in... Fantastic. Now the hair is all wrong. We need big hair.
Anthony: Charlotte, this is so exciting.
Charlotte: Stanford Blatch, this is Anthony Marantino.
Stanford: Hi, Marantino. Is that Italian?
Stanford: Is that different?
Stanford: Well, I better go check on Carrie.
Anthony: Ed Harris? Ed Harris? Try and a half no hairris.
Charlotte: I really thought you two would hit it off.
Anthony: Why because he’s gay and I’m gay? Charlotte, let me clear something up for you. I’m a nice little package, I got good arms and a high tight ass. I could do a lot better.
Fashion Show (backstage).
Carrie (V.O.): Ten minutes and ten hair extensions later…
Stanford: I can’t believe that Charlotte would set me up with such a queen. Is that who she thinks I am, someone who would date such a queen?
Carrie: Stanford. I don’t have time to decipher the levels of Queendom in your world right now. Would you please go get me another champagne?
Carrie: Wow, that is big hair.
Orlando: Thank you.
Oscar: Orlando she looks fabulous.
Oscar: Now, love we need the big eyes to go with the big hair. Kevyn Aucoin, Carrie Bradshaw.
Kevyn: Nice to meet you. Ready for make-up?
Carrie: Hi, I know you’re a genius but here’s the thing. I’m a writer.
Kevyn: I know I’m a big fan of your column.
Kevyn: Don’t worry you’re going to look fabulous.
Carrie: Stanford nobody’s listening to me they just keep telling me I’m fabulous.
Stanford: You are fabulous.
Carrie: Go get Samantha and tell her to come back here, she’ll tell me the truth.
Stanford: I can’t go back out there, that queen out there.
Stanford: Crisis, Carrie needs to see you backstage.
Stanford: Where’s your highness?
Stanford: Your little friend, where is he?
Charlotte: Oh, he had to go.
Stanford: Why? He didn’t like me.
Charlotte: No he ha a decorating emergency.
Stanford: I’ve been rejected by someone I wasn’t interested in. I hate when that happens!
Fashion Show (backstage).
Announcer: Lynn, we’re ok to go.
Lynn: Lights go, music cue four, go.
Fashion Show (runway)
Two men come out modeling suits (runway)
Fashion Show (backstage)
Carrie: Samantha?… Samantha tell me the truth. I know people don’t mean it when they say that but I do.
Samantha: Oh, honey. You’re a model.
Carrie: You’d tell me, right?
Samantha: Absolutely, you’re a model.
Carrie: Look how tall I am, the shoes were my idea.
Samantha: I got to get out there, go model!
Carrie: All right.
Carrie: Ok, wow, you’re Heidi Klum.
Heidi: Wow, those are fantastic!
Heidi: Do I look ok?
Carrie: You look fabulous.
Heidi: Thanks, Ok let’s go.
Samantha: Wait ‘till you see our gal.
Charlotte: Yeah? When is she coming out?
Samantha: She’s next.
Fashion Show (runway).
Announcer: Dolce and Gabanna.
Carrie falls on the floor as she starts down the runway.
Lynn: Fuck me hard…Heidi, go!
Heidi calmly steps over Carrie, who’s still thinking on whether to get up or just sling off the runway.
Stanford: Oh my god she’s fashion road-kill.
Carrie: Stop fuckin’ taking my picture!
Carrie (V.O.): I had a choice, I could sling off the runway and let my inner model die of shame or I could pick myself up flaws and all and finish.
Carrie gets up as the audience notices and starts cheering and clapping.
Carrie (V.O.): And that’s just what I did because when real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep on walking.
Lynn: Katya go.
Carrie (V.O.): Turns out, my little act of bravery inspired three other people to acts of bravery as well.
Int. Crunch Fitness gymnasium.
Carrie (V.O.): faced her fear of knowing the truth...
Miranda: Hi, I’m really confused. I thought we had a good time and then you never called and I never called ‘cause you never called. And I guess that’s fine but I just have to know… Did I do something?
Dave: Yeah, I don’t know. We were sitting on the couch and you seemed a little full of yourself.
Miranda: Ok, glad we straightened that out.
Int. Samantha’s apartment.
Delivery boy: Cheeseburger and fries.
Carrie: (V.O.): Samantha faced her fear of what real food would do to her perfect figure.
Delivery boy: Nice ass
Samantha: I didn’t tip you enough.
Int. Charlotte’s apartment.
Carrie (V.O.): And Charlotte faced her fear of seeing herself. And just like Narcissus before her, Charlotte became so mesmerized by what she saw that…
Int. Carrie’s apartment.
Carrie (V.O.): And as for me I tucked my jewelled underwear and my inner model away where they belonged, and went back to my life as the real person.