415. Change of a Dress
When a marriage breaks up, there are numerous ways to cope. You can cry. You can move.
It’s left right, not right left.
Or, as Charlotte did, dive into a new routine. A tap routine.
I feel good. I even signed up for sculpture and tap dancing class.
Because you can't do one without the other.
And everyone keeps telling me to take time to grieve. I don't need time. This divorce is going to be clean and swift, like pulling off a Band-Aid.
Carrie! My God, I thought that was you.
There it was, the unmistakable voice of Susan Sharon.
What's new? What's going on with you?
Same old, same old. Just writing, gallivanting, eating. You know, the usual.
- Carrie! - What?
You're forgetting the most important thing. They're engaged!
You're getting married! My God! Aidan! Okay. Let me see, where's the…
It’s here, it's right here.
Why is it around your neck? Is that what the people are doing these days? I'm so out of it.
No, it's just me. It’s closer to my heart this way.
So, spring wedding? Fall wedding? Where are you doing it?
God, we haven't even begun to think about that stuff.
You'd better chop chop, missy. Because these places book up, I'm telling you, years and years. Okay, anyway, the wedding.
The next morning, a hotel mogul and his publicist began another grueling day at work.
- Can I help you? - You're gorgeous. - Tell me something I don't know.
As intimate as their personal affair had become, when it came to their business affairs, Samantha remained cool and professional, in theory.
J.J., Samantha Jones. I have your column in my hand and I'm very disappointed.
Jonesy, I thought you'd be sucking my dick for getting Richard Wright's name in the paper.
We'll talk about your dick in a second. Richard Wright canoodling with Bebe London? That's bullshit. I know he's canoodling with one woman and it's not Bebe London.
Okay, guess which hotheaded publicist can't seem to keep track of her own client?
Guess which two-bit gossip columnist is talking out of his ass?
Believe me, I'd rather be talking out of your ass. So, just say the word… Jonesy?
J.J. Mitchell's column said you were canoodling with Bebe London. He's an idiot, just giving you a heads-up.
- All press is good press, right? - So, you were canoodling with Bebe London?
- Is that a problem? - No. I just need to get all the facts so I can do my job.
Why don't you take a break from your job and get that sexy ass in here?
In an effort to drown out thoughts of Richard canoodling with Bebe London, Samantha focused on her own caboodle.
And in a more modest shower uptown…
Excuse me, have we met?
Can I get in there? The Sheetrock guy is coming in 10 minutes. It’s really coming along over there. Walls are coming down, washer dryer's on the way.
I forgot about the washer and dryer. I've been dreaming of that my whole New York life.
Here's something else for you to chew on.
- What's that? - How about Hawaii?
As what, the 50th state?
As in, we get hitched. We grab a couple friends, down some mai tais, tie the knot. You know, we can get ''Maui'd.''
- Buddy, did you just pun in the nude? - Yeah.
- What did I tell you about that? Give me the soap. - What do you think?
- What, about Hawaii? - Yeah.
Come on, do I look like the ''Hang10,'' ''Surf' sup'' kind of bride to you? 'Cause I really think my grass skirt days are over.
Okay, how about Aspen? Christmas time in Aspen. You, me, a polar bear, a judge. How's that sound?
For a shower with so little water pressure, I suddenly felt a ton of it beating down on my shoulders.
And here's the spine, right here. Isn’t that incredible? Here's the heart beating. See?
Kind of. I think so.
- Okay. Do you want to know the sex? I can tell you right now, if you do. - Okay.
- Sure? It’s a boy. It’s a boy. How do you feel? - Great, a boy! Boy, oh boy.
- I just faked a sonogram. - I'm sorry?
I was lying there, the technician's giving me a guided tour of my uterus, then she tells me I'm having a boy.
My God! You're having a boy?
You see? That. That's what this woman wanted out of me, but I couldn't get it up for her. So, I faked it.
What exactly does a fake sonogram look like in case I ever need to do it?
Everyone else is glowing about my pregnancy. When will I?
I get the same thing every time someone hears I'm engaged. I'm supposed to be all excited about picking a date, and a place, and a theme. And I just want to lie down and take a big nap. I feel like a deadbeat bride.
So, don't do all that stupid stuff. Fuck them.
I better do something soon because I'm getting the distinct feeling my Grace period is OVER. I don't even want to look for a dress. Me, no dress! What's wrong here?
Maybe it's like the dentist. You put it off and put it off, and then you finally go and afterwards you feel great.
God, I have to go to the dentist.
Okay, wait. I'm having a radical idea here. There's a horrible bridal shop a couple of blocks away.
We could go.
How do you even know this?
Because every time I pass by it, I go ''blech.'' We could run in, you could try on the worst dress they have, just face the dragon, get it over with. And then I'll treat you to a Tasti Delite. It’s like aversion shock therapy.
You want me to try on a bad wedding dress? You're gonna have to do a lot better than Tasti Delite.
I'll try one on too?
- Hi! - Hello. - Ladies.
My friend Miranda here is getting married. So we're looking for something special and we're in kind of a hurry.
And for Carrie here we're thinking of something with a lot of bows very frilly and poofy. We want her to look like a giant cupcake.
I'm sorry, which one of you is getting married?
We both are. We do everything together. And right now, Miranda has everything but the gown. And the groom.
- Whoops! - Okay. Is this a lesbian wedding?
No, it's a very straight-laced, conservative crowd. Lots of Wall Street types.
- I'll see what I can find. Come with me. - Your rehearsal dinner is gonna rock.
Okay, on the count of three. One, two…
- Look at you. - Stop, I'm going to pee in this thing. Look at you!
- Look at yourself! - Hold still, you need a veil.
Look, look. I look beautiful. You can't even tell I'm pregnant in this. The sleeves balance out the tummy. Don't you think it's kind of fetching?
My God. This is too tight, I can't breathe. Can you get it off me?
- Are you kidding? - No, I'm not kidding!
You don't want the woman to come back in here.
I'm not kidding. Get it off! I'm burning up. I can't breathe!
I'm sorry! There are a million buttons back here! My God, your back is all red.
- Just get it off, just rip it off! - My God. What just happened?
- I can't do it, I can't get married. - This is all your fault.
- How could you take her to that dump? - it was an experiment. It went awry.
Okay, let's just slow down. This is classic cold feet. Let's not do anything rash.
Rash, yes exactly, rash. Look at this. My body is literally rejecting the idea of marriage. Look!
Once you get a rash from a guy, It’s time to heave ho.
No, it's not him, it's me. I'm missing the bride gene. I should be put in a test tube and studied.
- It’s not just you, I don't want to get married. - Ever?
Why do we even have to get married? Why? Give me one good reason. Aside from the not wanting to diea lone thing. Which is something to think about, I admit.
For me, when it was good, it gave me a sense of security.
But I feel secure now. Things are great with us. You know what they say, ‘‘If it ain't broke, ''
Don't marry it.
- What are you afraid would change? - I don't know. Nothing. Everything.
- Every bride feels that way at one point. - Why aren't they speaking up?
Carrie, I'm going to ask you an unpleasant question now. Why did you ever say yes?
Because I love him. A man you love, kneels in the street and offers you a ring, you say yes.
That's what you do.
You get married, you hope for the best. It doesn't work out, you get divorced. You can take tap with Bo Jangles here.
No, I can't take a vow of forever and ever, if what I mean is for the foreseeable future. I can't do that to Aidan.
Talk to him about it.
How do you talk about this? ''Aidan, what's up? ''I've just been thinking, having some doubts about the whole 'I do' thing.'' It’ll break his heart. I should never have said yes. I'm a bad person.
It’s amazing. in a courtroom, reasonable doubt can get you off for murder. In an engagement, it makes you feel like a bad person.
Look, everyone has anxiety around weddings. Maybe your anxiety threshold is just lower than other people's.
Interesting theory. You think that dress is still outside the dumpster at Tasti Delite?
After being hit by a bridal wave I tried to get my mind around the concept of happily ever after.
As progressive as our society claims to be, there are still certain life targets we’re all supposed to hit. Marriage, babies, and a home to call your own. But what if, instead of breaking out in a smile, you break out in a rash? Is something wrong with the system? Or is it you? And do we really want these things? Or are we just programmed? In a crisis, people always tell you to listen to your gut. Mine was telling me to start smoking again.
Hi. Marlboro Lights, please.
But I decided not to throw it all away.
You know what? Actually. Just these.
Later, while Aidan worked on the apartment next door, I worked on reprogramming my attitude. Could I be a spring bride? Happy bride? Peek-a-boo bride?
Stop! Stop, Aidan, stop it! Aidan! I'm freaking out. I can't, l. I cannot. I am having a very strong reaction to all this change.
- Okay, just don't freak out. - I am freaking out! It all just feels really fast.
- The hole? I told you I was gonna come through there… - It’s not just the hole! - What?
It’s the marriage stuff. I love you and I'm sorry if I'm not supposed to talk to you about this. But I have to.
Come here. Just sit down on the floor. What's happening?
I didn't want to say anything but then that thing came through my wall. I don't think that I'm ready to get married yet. Do you hate me?
- No, come on. You're catching me a little off guard here. - I know, I just…
I hear you. I need a minute here. Is it because I said we could get ''Maui'd''?
Thank you for making a joke.
Let's slow it down. Okay, how much time do you need? Six months? Nine months? The end of the year?
- So, you just need some time? - Yeah. I think so.
- Okay. We'll get there. - Thank you, Aidan. Thank you for listening.
- Did you see the washer and dryer? - I love you.
The next day, Miranda enjoyed a few moments of solitude with her bills and her cleaning lady.
Magda? I'm going to pay you for a whole month, okay?
Look what I found on the kitchen counter. It’s beautiful! Did they tell you boy or girl?
Yes, it's a boy.
A boy! A boy is coming into the house. A boy is highest blessing, It’s good luck. Smile. Smile for a boy.
- A boy! - A boy!
And while Miranda had tea for one, Charlotte was mastering Tea for Two.
We're coming across the floor with me. Step shuffle step for you, step shuffle step for me. And now, two by two. Go! Next pair. Nice! Very nice.
- You, in the flowers go! - I don't have a partner.
- Just go it alone. And go! - I don't want to go it alone.
You'll be fine. Come on, flowers. Picture me upon your knee.
I can't do this, I'm sorry, I can't. And I shouldn't have to. I deserve a real partner. And this song is abusive and hurtful.
Should I stop?
You should think about how a person would feel who's going through a very difficult divorce and who just comes here to have fun and feel good about themselves!
In her attempt to skip over her grief, Charlotte tapped into her pain.
The next week, we all put on our finest and gathered at the Black and White Ball, Richard Wright's charity fundraiser.
- Aidan looks so handsome in a tux. - Yeah.
How's he doing?
Good, good. Still a little thrown about the change in plans, but good. I just hope I did the right thing.
You followed your feelings. That's always the right thing to do. I'm drinking seltzer and I'm in a formal gown with an elastowaist. I really fit in here.
Do you realize you're growing a teeny tiny penis inside you? That's so sci-fi.
My God! You're having a boy? Aren't you so excited?
Two glasses of French fizz here and a sody for you.
- Did you know that Miranda's having a boy? - I think I'm going to hurt myself.
I trust you're finding something noteworthy to put in your column, J.J.?
Look at you. I can think of other places I'd like to put my column tonight.
Dream on, J.J.
Never hurts to ask, right? I'm sure you know this one, but guess which hotel king is having very private relations with a very public New York woman?
I guess the cat's out of the bag.
It’s out of the bag. Look at them together. That Judith McBain, she's insatiable. Word is they've done it in every one of his hotels.
- Excuse me. - Good chatting with you, Jonesy.
Samantha could handle the press, but she couldn’t the truth.
The fucking Richard is fucking the entire styles section and for the first time in my life, I actually give a shit. I think I have monogamy. I must've caught it from you people.
There are a lot of hot guys but I don't want to fuck a single one of them. Not him or him.
What about this guy over here? He asked me if I knew you.
Who? No, I'm not interested. Damn it, I'm not well.
- At least you're not getting divorced. - Just tell Richard how you feel.
I can't do that. He likes me because I'm supposed to be immune to this bullshit. There goes that Judith Bitchy-Mc-Bitch heading for Richard. Okay, I'm going to go over there and I'm going to be completely calm, and completely professional.
Every day, millions of people suffer from monogamy. There is no known cure.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, gorgeous. Great turnout.
This is purely professional. Exactly how many women are you fucking?
It’s the ''Black and White'' Ball, not the ''black and blue'' Ball.
As your publicist, I must tell you all this canoodling and bed hopping is tacky and immature. It makes investors nervous, and frankly…
It makes you nervous, too.
As your publicist, yes, it does. So, grow up. Stop fucking other women. Just fuck me.
- Come on, we're not the monotonous, I mean, monogamous type. - Maybe I am.
- Gorgeous, I'm not. - Fine.
Jonesy, you get any good dish for me?
In fact, she did. Samantha gave J.J. an exclusive just to prove to herself that she was not.
- What the… - Shit. Shit! Just a minute.
It wasn't the first time a guy went soft on Samantha, but it was the first time she didn't care.
Jonesy, I can't believe this is happening. This never happens to me. I can give a list of women who this has never happened with.
That wouldn’t be necessary.
No, I want to, I want you to call Anna Bonnie at 9577297 or Lisa Yelling at 459...
There you are. Listen, maybe I was too quick back there. If there's anyone who could keep monotony interesting…
Man of the hour.
You'll never change. And I wouldn't want you to. Let's just keep things as they were.
This doesn't count. He couldn't even stay hard.
- Good seeing you, J.J. - Don't say it, limp dick. - Okay.
That's a very good look for you.
I think we both look kinda sharp tonight. You've never looked prettier, my friend.
Let's get married tonight. Come on, you've got this beautiful white dress on, I've got this tux for another 13 hours. Let's just do it. Let's get in a cab, airport, Vegas. No muss, no fuss.
Aidan, this isn't funny.
Come on! Look, if we get married tonight, we wake up tomorrow, it's done. All right? We're still us.
We don't even have to tell anybody.
- What about what we discussed? - Come on. You're just scared.
Yes, I'm scared. Come on, Aidan, we talked about this.
No, you talked and I listened. Carrie, I looked at you tonight from across the room and I thought, I love her. And she loves me. And what are we waiting for?
Because I need more time.
What's going to change? This is me. I don't have any tricks up my sleeve. This is who I am.
This isn't about you. I'm not ready for marriage.
I am. I'm sorry if that scares you, but I am. People fall in love, they get married. That's what they do.
Not necessarily. Why can't we just keep things the way they are, just live together?
I don't want to live together. I've had girlfriends for 20 years. I want you to be my wife.
Aidan, you're pushing me.
Maybe you need to be pushed. What's the big deal? It’s just a stupid piece of paper.
If it's just a stupid piece of paper, then why do we need it?
Because I need it! I want to make this official and lock this thing down. I want the whole wide world to know that you're mine.
Who else's would I be? Oh My God. You still don't trust me.
You don't even wear that ring on your finger.
I am yours. There is nobody else. I love you. But I can't marry you to make you trust me. Look at me. Look at me before we make a huge mistake.
- If you don't want to marry me right now, you'll never want to marry me. - That's not true.
- I think it is. I'm gonna sleep in the other apartment tonight. - Really?
- Yeah, really. - Just for tonight?
- I can't believe I'm back here again. - Shit.
We had left the land of black and white, and now, everything was gray.
To the outside world, Miranda's maternal gene might never kick in. But that night she felt a real kick from deep inside.
There are some walls you can push through and some you can't. That was the only night we would ever spend on the other side of the wall. The next day, Aidan moved out.