414. All That Glitters
One of the best things about New York is that on any given night there are a million things to do.
One of the worst things about New York is trying to pick one.
Those floors next door, they were in worse shape than yours.
You want me to see if I can get us into Town? You know that restaurant in the Chambers hotel, with the period in the name, Town period. It’s supposed to be amazing. Exclamation point.
- You know what sounds amazing to me? - What?
Nice hot shower, watching the game. Bucket of K.F.C. Mashed potaters, biscuits.
- But it's Saturday night. - It’s finger licking good. K period, F period, C period.
It’s about fucking time. Get over here and do me!
Is that your standard greeting now?
Sorry, I thought it was Richard. That asshole said he'd call in five minutes. That was four hours ago. I've been waiting by the phone.
My dinner might be arriving in a bucket. You want to go out?
- Immediately. I'll conference the other girls. - You know how to do that?
- How else do you have three-way phone sex? - hello? - What are you doing?
- MacDougal residence. - It's for me! I’ve got it. - Good for you!
It’s the first time we talked today.
- Hello? - We're going out.
- Who's on the phone? - All of us. It’s the future.
- Why are you guys calling me so late? - It’s 7:30, were you asleep?
I'm pregnant. I'm always asleep. These are my last months of freedom. I'm spending them in bed.
Don't spend them alone in bed.
I'm a lost cause, go on without me, save yourselves!
No, we're all going. We have to shake things up before we officially become boring.
- I say we go dancing. - I'm in. - Let's go dancing!
Not where I'd feel worse when no one's interested because I'm fat.
- You're not. You're pregnant. - Yeah, that’ll have men lining up at the door.
I know exactly where we should go.
That night we finally answered the age old question: ''Where are all the hot guys?'' Well, the hot gay guys. They were at the hot gay club, Trade.
- I feel like we don't belong here. - That's because we're wearing shirts.
Seriously, why don't straight men have bodies like this?
Because gay men have the possibility of sex at the gym. If straight men had that they'd be working out all the time, too.
- I've had sex at the gym. - Samantha is doing her part to motivate the masses.
- I'm going to the ladies' room. - Me, too, I bet there's no line.
- Wait. We'll meet you at the bar? - At the bar.
- Char! - My God, it's Anthony! Hi!
Jesus Christ, what the hell are you doing here?
- We're shaking things up. You remember Carrie? - Hi!
- Love what you're almost wearing. - Sister, Day-Glo Underwear, look into it.
Are we gonna dance?
This is my friend, Gordon. He's a design editor for House and Garden.
My God! I love that magazine! I used to wear my mother's pearls and flip through it when I was little.
I've got a great before apartment, if you're looking for an after.
You should see Char's apartment. It’s Park Avenue, it's so frieaking gorgeous.
We're doing an urban issue this spring. Maybe I should check it out.
My God! If my apartment could be in H and G magazine I would be in heaven!
- You are pretty. You want to dance? - Okay. So how long have you worked there?
- Swell, I get him all wound up, she cashes in. - Are you two together?
- No, but I'm hoping we will be around 3:30. - You're dirty.
- Dance? - No, I'm good. You kids go have fun.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Watch out for the fairy. - Which one?
Attention gentlemen, ladies present!
Sorry. There's no ladies' room, because… Yeah, Excuse me. Thanks.
Don't mind me, fellas. Just looking. Kinda like being a diabetic at Baskin Robbins.
Sir? Hello! Excuse me! Over here. Hello, anybody!
- What do you need? - A penis, evidently. I'm trying to order a dirty martini.
- Kurt, a dirty martini for the lovely and talented Carrie Bradshaw. - Thank you.
- Oliver Spencer. - Hello.
I've only been in the States six months, and regard your column as my New York survival guide.
Oliver, you're a dead man. I have no idea what I'm talking about. What do you do?
- I'm a shoe distributor. - It would be cruel to kid me.
- All the top lines. Offices here, Sydney, and Milan. - So, then you get a discount?
- For special friends and columnists. - Thank you. Cheers!
- Cheers to you! Hello, what's this? - What?
- That. - Oh, this. I keep forgetting I'm engaged.
- You can't go off the market, you're my dating guru. - I'm still allowed to see other gays.
You must allow me to take you to brunch. I'll give you my card. Can you hold this for a moment?
Sure. What's this, a goody bag?
- Of course, I was at a film release party earlier. - Jox and Cocks Four.
I was told it's a Merchant Ivory film.
Would I be able to enjoy this if I missed Jox and Cocks One, Two and Three?
Yes, but you'd want to see those eventually. Very important films.
Max was a junior associate at Miranda's law firm and, apparently, gay.
- I had no idea. - I had no idea you were a gay man either!
I'm here with friends. And there's no ladies' room, because… yeah.
Yeah. Listen, Miranda, I'd kind of prefer if we didn't make an issue out of this at work. I'm not in the closet. I just wouldn't want the older partners to start treating me differently, so…
I totally understand. And between you and me, I'm pregnant.
And unwed. Perhaps you should spend less time in gay clubs. Seriously good for you.
Remains to be seen. Anyhow, I haven't told anybody at work, because goodbye to all the good cases and then it's only a matter of time before the buzzards start vying for my office.
It is a very nice office.
- I'm coming here every week! - Excuse me. What did I miss?
- I peed in a men's room and outed a coworker. - I got a phone number and some porn.
- I saw two dicks and took a hit of ''X.'' - To think that I almost slept through this.
I can't believe you took ecstasy from a stranger.
He wasn't a stranger! He's a friend of my friend Bobby's friend Bobby.
Then, you know it's safe. Will we be going to a rave later?
No, but I might have to drop in on Richard. Sex on ''X'' is supposed to be amazing. It releases all of your inhibitions.
You have inhibitions?
- My God, look. - Three dicks and counting!
They say opposites attract. What they fail to mention is that opposites also tend to have opposite views on what constitutes a rockin' Saturday night.
How was your night?
I've got a goody bag. Know what's in it? C'mon, I had to fight a foreigner for it.
Come here. Just tuck in here and let's go to sleep.
- I'm not tired yet. - You will be.
Hey you, I had five Cocktails. I danced with a lot of fine half naked men. If you would wake up right now I can almost guarantee you'd be in for some FUN.
I ate too much chicken, I think. Will you rub my belly, baby?
I know it was wrong to compare but I felt like I had spent the evening in a Calvin Klein ad and now I was back to baseball, buckets, and BVDs.
Meanwhile, Samantha was having excellent sex.
That was amazing. You are amazing. I love you, Richard. I am in love with you.
- You told him you loved him? - It was the ''X'' talking! All I wanted to do was to have sex!
- Okay, and then what did he say? - Nothing, he just went to sleep.
Is it possible he didn't hear you?
He heard me. Can I get a fucking cab? If he was any kind of gentleman at all, he'd pretend it never happened.
- But you did have sex, right? - Of course we had sex.
Aidan and I didn't. He fell asleep and I watched gay porn.
See, that's what happens when people say, ''I love you!''
- Do you love him? - Who the hell knows? - Maybe the ''X'' knows.
It makes you giddy. I was in love with the Taxi driver, the doorman, his sweater.
But you only said it to Richard.
I am never taking ''X'' again. It is a dangerous, dangerous drug.
That afternoon I was high on another feel good drug: the new gay friend.
- Could you be more fantastic? - They say you can't meet men in bars.
That was true for me last night. I went to Trade hoping to meet someone for just a shag because I've a boyfriend in Sydney. And the only person I met was you. Not that I'm disappointed.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind if you date other men?
- Not date, have sex with. - Right, the international gay rules.
Absolutely. Blow jobs only, no last names. The gym is a free space and never ever show up at the same place wearing the same shirt. I just crossed over into a whole other set of rules.
You've certainly worked out more options than ''Till death do us part.'' That's all we've come up with, and frankly, I find it a little limiting.
I know gay couples who are monogamous. But I'm a realist. I don't expect to get everything from one man. But I guess I shouldn't be saying this to someone wearing a ring.
What's with you and this ring?
- What's with you and the ring? You haven't even mentioned him. - Aidan.
- What's Aidan like? - He's very tall and incredibly kind. And handsome.
So, why would you leave that at home on a Saturday night?
He wanted to stay in and listen to sports with a bucket of chicken.
He would have made my dad so proud. Have you been to Bungalow Eight yet?
No. But I hear it's a pretentious, members only, tiny, crowded club that you need a key to get into.
- I have a key. - When are we going?
- If it isn't little Carrie Bradshaw. - Young Stanford! How are you?
- At the moment, confused. Who's this? - Oliver Spencer, Stanford Blatch.
Pleasure to meet you. I don't mean to be rude, but I must go to the men's room.
- I've just been, you'll love it. - Really?
- I'll be right here. - I'll be right back.
- So? - Yes?
I saw the way you were behaving. You're sleeping with the beautiful man.
- The beautiful man is gay. - Damn! An accent always throws me.
He's only been in New York for about six months. I picked him up at Trade.
You went to shirtless heaven without me?
- It wasn't the same. - I was prepared to lose you to Aidan. But this…
- Is just brunch. - I'm green with envy. - Yes, you are.
Fine! Have your beautiful brunch with your beautiful man and then go home to your other beautiful man. Greedy, greedy, greedy.
Later, I started to think about restlessness and relationships. Once we found what we've been searching for, why are some of us reluctant to let go of our single selves? Is single life in New York such a constant flurry of fun and friends that settling down immediately fills us with the urge to shake things up again? And why does becoming part of a couple imply settling down? Maybe Oliver does have the key. We shouldn't expect to get everything from one man but instead, feel comfortable getting different things from different people. Although, at what point do separate interests become separate bedrooms? I couldn't help but wonder, to be in a couple do you have to put your single self on a shelf?
Meanwhile, Miranda's workaholic single self was a thing of the past. Now, she was sleeping for two.
It’s finally happening. Stern, Hawkins, Erickson is moving into the future.
Excuse me, what? We're moving?
Casual Friday. The entire partnership finally okayed it, finally. I've been working on this for what, two years now?
- Right, great. - Yeah, Thanks. And congratulations.
- Did you tell Celeste I was pregnant? - Okay, yes, but only in your defense. - What?
This morning she was telling everyone how she saw you sleeping on your desk a couple of times, that you might be an alcoholic, bipolar, or something.
- You told her I was pregnant? - Isn’t that better?
- No, not at a law firm, no. - Sorry, I told her it was a secret.
She can't keep a secret. She's probably told everybody in the office by now. How would you like it if I told everybody in the office that you were gay?
- Casual Friday has arrived. - Great. Maybe next you can call my grandparents.
- This is gay porn. - What was your first clue?
You said we were watching an independent film. I brought biscotti.
Relax, I've watched it already, and I'm telling you, this is really funny.
See, that's the way to do it. No ''I love you,'' just good old-fashioned fucking.
- I am not in the mood for gay porn. - Not in the mood for gay porn?
Don't you want to know how it ends?
House and Garden wants to shoot my apartment. I told Trey and he doesn't care.
We turned off porn to talk about a magazine? Biscotti, please.
He never cares about what I want. Anthony is more excited about it than Trey is.
That's because gay men understand what's important. Clothes, compliments, and Cocks. And clubs.
Oliver's taking me to Bungalow Eight tomorrow night.
Sounds like you're cheating on Aidan with a gay man.
No, that's allowed. Gay boyfriends are the loophole of monogamy.
My gay boyfriend outed me at work, then I outed him. Even my gay relationships are dysfunctional.
Okay, here's the problem. Aidan loves to stay in, and I love to go out.
And he's fine with that.
It’s either the greatest relationship ever, or we're headed…
Fofr separate bedrooms, like me. We're in completely different places. Trey's content with what we have. Therefore, I am a bad person for needing to have a baby.
You're not a bad person. You're a person with needs.
- This is making me depressed. Let's watch that movie. - I thought you'd never ask.
The next morning, Samantha and Richard were taking care of business, but not each other.
I'm not doing any more charity crap if we can't get publicity. Steve Martin was there and he's the toast of New York.
He's the toast of The New Yorker. There's a difference. Are we gonna talk about this?
- About what? - That thing I said the other night.
- Samantha, you were high on ''X.'' Believe me, I've been there. - Oh! Good. Okay, then.
Once Richard made it clear that her ''I love you'' didn't matter, Samantha realized she was secretly wishing it did.
- So, you'll yell at The Times? - I already did.
- Did you need something else? - No.
She wanted to tell him it wasn't just the drug talking that night. But she put her real feelings on the shelf.
- Fuck you at my place around 8:00? - Sounds good.
And since it was Casual Friday Miranda and Max decided to come out of the closet with their casual clothes. Miranda shelved her work concerns and showed up as a proud, Single mother-to-be. And Max showed up as a proud gay man with a sense of style. But when Stern, Hawkins, and Erickson saw Max's sense of style, that was the end of Casual Friday.
They're for the photo shoot tomorrow. They're coming at 10:00. Would you please move your stuff out of the guest room?
Are they photographing the guest room?
I don't know. But it doesn't look very good with us sleeping in separate bedrooms.
- No, it doesn't, does it? - They want us to dress nicely, but not too formal.
- I'm in the picture? - They want to photograph both of us. - Why?
Because they think we're the perfect couple. I know. But I promised, and they're coming.
- I don't want to do this. - It's just one picture, and it's important to me.
No, this. I don't want to do this anymore. You are so angry at me.
I'm sorry. I want a baby. I thought that's what you wanted, too.
- So did l. - I don't think I should have to give that up.
- You shouldn't. You can have the apartment. I'll move back in with mother. - Okay.
Charlotte and Trey's separate interests had become more than separate bedrooms. They'd become a real separation. Meanwhile, I tried to find a way for my single self and my couple self to co-exist.
There you go. Yowza! Where are you going all dressed up like that?
- I told you yesterday I was going out. - You didn't say you were going all out.
- I have to see Bungalow Eight. - Yeah, what's that, a play?
No, it's a very hot club. It’s important that I know about these things. Some people consider my column the New York survival guide.
- What's going on here? - It’s just something I'm trying. It’s closer to my heart this way.
- Who are you going out with, the girls? - This guy, Oliver Spencer.
- A guy? - He's gay.
Cool. Listen, I am done for the night. So, you want me to jump in the shower, come with?
I don't know. I don't know if he can get us both in.
- What do you mean? We can get in anywhere. - You need a key or something.
- A key? Give me a fuckin' break. - See, that kind of attitude is not appreciated at Bungalow Eight.
Come on, a key? Why do you even buy into that shit? Let's just go out to dinner, I haven't seen you all week.
I can't. I told Oliver…
All right. Don't forget your key, because we're very exclusive here, and we might not let you back in.
See, now I feel bad. I basically discouraged him from coming.
- Call and have him join us. - This is so not his scene.
Then you have to break it off. This is Bungalow Eight, darling!
Right, what's a relationship compared to a night with trendy strangers?
- Oliver Spencer and date. - I'm your date?
Turns out there's one problem with having a handsome gay man as your date. Other handsome gay men.
- I just love those new Prada open toed sandals. - I think I can get you a pair of those.
- Really? - What size? - Eleven.
So, Ollie? Is there anything to eat at Bungalow Eight? Or is food so very last year? Okay, it seems you're in the middle of a spa session, so…
Wait, you're going?
You know, I left a gorgeous man at home to come here and be your date. And I'm guessing size 11 did as well. So, I'm just not really sure why I'm here.
Because you're fantastic, and I'm sorry I was neglecting you. I'm very bad. Kiss and make up?
If it isn't Mr. and Mrs. Down Under.
I was so preoccupied with my gay boyfriend I kept forgetting about my gay husband.
- You remember Stanford, from brunch? - Apparently, it was more than just brunch.
Don't fall for him, he's just another pretty face. He doesn't love you like I do. I knew this woman when she took the subway and wore candies.
- Candies? - I assure you, I never wore candies.
You wore pink suede candies, and I adored you anyway. And how dare you try to steal her away with your dreamy eyes and your probably fake accent?
- I'm sorry; I didn't realize the lady was spoken for. - She is.
- All right, then. - Kiss and make up?
And then I realized, my single self life had a shelf life, and it had just expired.
- Okay, I'm going. - No, Carrie, stay. We only just got here. Let me buy you another drink.
No, it's fine, I just want to go home.
And the surprising thing was, I did.
- Honey, I'm home. - How was the Bungalow?
- I've seen better. - Why do you own Jox and Cocks Four?
- More research for the survival guide? - Really? What did you learn?
- Oh, yeah. Give me some of that. - A big Thank you to our gay friends.
That's the thing about Manhattan. The most exclusive clubs only have a couple members and they're very hard to find. The next morning, House and Garden came to Charlotte's house.
It’s fork, fork, knife, spoon. What are these people, crazy?
- This is perfect. It's very Upper East Side breakfast for two. I love this china. - Me, too.
Thanks, it's our wedding china. Anthony, can I talk to you a minute?
We'll be right back. Is he cute or what?
- Trey and I… - Splitting up, I knew it.
Anyway I don't think he's gonna be in the picture. So, should we just cancel?
Cancel? H and G, House and Garden? Do it without him.
Won't that look bad, just me?
It’ll look beautiful. He may be the heart surgeon. But you're the heart of this whole operation. Honestly, you're the best catch ever. Look what you did to this place. You could take any guy off the street, fix him up and make him into something wonderful. Not for nothing. But you deserve more than that stick-up-his-ass preppy. That's all I’m saying. Now get in here and have breakfast. Gordon, it's just gonna be…
- All right, we ready for the picture? - One minute.
- Trey, you don't have to… - No. This is important to you. I at least want to do this.
Handsome husband, beautiful wife. Having breakfast! Smile.
Trey had moved out by the time the magazine was on the stands. But all over America, little girls in their mothers' pearls saw the picture and thought, "That's what I want." That's the thing about relationships. Sometimes they look prettier from the outside. And what's inside can be different than it seems.