413. The Good Fight
Someone once said that two halves make a whole. And when two halves move in together, it makes a whole lot of stuff.
- Hey, what's… - Pop tart, where you been and what have you been doing?
I got coffee and papers, but I think the more pressing question is, what have you been doing?
- Made myself an area. - Yes, I can see that.
I needed a space for my work papers and stuff, you know, so is that okay?
Yeah, sure yes, it's just… you're blocking the bathroom door.
Yeah, but you got another one. Who needs two bathroom doors?
I do, me. Me, the one who loves her two bathroom doors.
Why do you need two doors for?
Sometimes I'm in a hurry and it's just quicker to go, ping, out that one and it's my escape route in case.
In case what?
In case rapists come in my bedroom window I see them in the mirror and then, phew, I'm gone.
There's a whole lot of phewing going on in that bathroom. It’s just gonna be like this until we're able to take over the apartment next door then we can load the stuff in.
And would that be happening in the next five minutes please, God?
Closing at the end of next week.
Hello, Petey. Really, what's the problem, right? It’s just boxes, right?
A plant! The man brought a living thing into my apartment. I don't do plants. I kill everything I bring in there.
You said yes to moving in, he moved in.
But he's taking over whole areas.
This is why I've never lived with a man. This, and the fact that I want them out an hour after I climax.
You let them stay a whole hour?
You'd be surprised how many are ready to go again after a quick catnap.
And there's no walls, there's nowhere to hide. As soon as I walk in, he's all up with: ''Who'd you see? Where'd you go? Who'd ya meet? What'd ya know?'' What I know is, I need time to decompress. Just be alone.
But there have to be some adjustments. Relationships are hard.
You guys, I miss walking into my apartment with no one there and it's all quiet and I can do that stuff you do when you're totally alone, things you would never want your boyfriend to see you do.
My S.S.B., my Secret Single Behavior. Like, I like to make a stack of saltines. I put grape jelly on them. I eat them standing up in the kitchen reading fashion magazines.
- Why standing up? - It’s weird, but it just feels great.
I like to put Vaseline on my hands and put them in Borghese conditioning gloves while watching infomercials.
Before I was married I used to study my pores in a magnifying mirror for an hour each night. But I'm afraid Trey will think it's weird.
He would. You can't do that stuff in front of men. What about you, Lolita? Anything you do you wouldn't want a man to see?
- No. - You know, I believe her.
Hey, didn't we make a rule about those things at lunch?
It’s my boss, I have to take it.
Samantha Jones. Richard, it's Sunday. Fine. I'll see you in an hour.
He wants me to drop something off this afternoon.
Nice. A little skyrockets in flight, afternoon Delight?
- No, it's just work. - Hardly, you're sleeping with him. - You told them?
I also like to gossip on the phone while secretly pumicing my calluses.
So, how is he? And spare no detail, I'm a horny pregnant person.
- I don't want to talk about it. - Samantha likes a guy. - I do not.
You do! You do! Or you would tell us all the dirty details.
My God, we're gonna have to ice skate home. Hell just froze over.
Okay, you want details? He's got the most perfect dick I've ever seen. Long, pink, amazing. it's dickalicious.
All right, so, what should I do about Aidan's stuff?
I'm gonna have the girls over for dinner.
That sounds like fun. What night?
Just the girls. I'm trying to get my day planner back together. I have much more free time since we left the baby track.
Some apartments are cluttered with physical stuff, others, emotional stuff.
It’s a big readjustment. I've wanted a baby ever since I was a little girl. We have a baby room and no baby.
I've got some good news. Bram Pomander thinks he's snagged us orchestra seats to The Producers next week. Charlotte, yes, we're disappointed. But life goes on. We still have to find a way to have a giggle. Come on, give me a smile.
Hold on. Investors in Munich. How do you say "fuck you" in German?
Impressive. Why do you speak German?
A gal has her reasons. That wasn't "fuck you", it was "fuck me".
- That's a negotiation ploy I haven't tried before. - Who’re you kidding?
- Where's the magazine layout? - Signed, sealed, delivered.
One more thing.
It was perfect: long, pink, amazing.
I thought about you all weekend.
Let me see if I can give you something to think about all evening. Bring out that gorgeous dick.
You're gonna get down on your knees right here? What if my assistant sees you?
I dropped my portfolio. That may take some time to pick up.
Das ist einen sch?nen perfekten Schwanz.
Whoops. Better get those, while you're down there.
If I had known you were gonna turn out to be so not a loser, I would have run home after work and changed.
Or at least put on some fresh deodorant. Careful. I was a much younger man when we started trying to set up this blind date.
You're the one who kept canceling to go to… Where were you?
First time, Spain and Romethe, second time, Luxembourg and Athens.
Walker Lewis, fluent in five Languages, traveled the world as a State Department interpreter.
Seriously, Miranda, best blind date I have ever had in the continental U.S.A.
What? Listen, any reason I can't see you again before I go to Brussels?
He is so cute and funny and sexy. And I really want to have sex with him. But I don't know. Is it okay to fuck one guy when you're pregnant with another guy's baby?
If one more person asks me that today.
I mean, I'm not in a relationship with the father of the baby or anything.
I've rarely heard that used as a plus, but go on.
It’s just. Is it tacky? And beyond tacky, is it safe? Let's assume he's a really great fuck.
Because so many men are.
Could all that poking shake the baby loose or something? No, that's silly. Married couples have sex all the time. But what if he's huge?
Again, 'cause so many men are.
- Could the dick dent the baby? - Where do you think dimples come from?
- That is so cute. - I try.
Okay, I really need to have sex with him now. Next time he comes back in town, I'll be too big and he won't want to. Nothing puts a man off sex like pregnancy. This is my last chance. Last chance for sex.
- You're not on death row. - Yes, I am, dead woman fucking.
It’s your body, your life. You do what's best for you.
Easier said than done. You should’ve aske Aidan not to talk when you walk in the front door.
Hi, Mrs. Cohen! Hold on a second. Here, let me help you. Hold on, here we go. Hello. Okay?
That's a crazy outfit.
- Okay, Mrs. Cohen, this is my friend, Miranda. - Hello, Mrs. Cohen.
Listen, you tell your boy I'm not leaving for 30 days.
- What? But we're closing in a week. - Read the contract!
I didn't think Mrs. Cohen could move any slower, but apparently she could.
Gal, what's up? Where you been? What do you know?
Brace yourself, partner. I been outside, and what's up is Old Lightning Rod next door informs me she will not be leaving for 30 days.
I was afraid she was gonna do that. Fuck! Fuck! What the fuck are we gonna fucking do now?
Thank you. You hate it, too, I'm so relieved! I thought you'd already changed into a pod. Invasion of the Single Snatchers.
Of course I hate it. We cannot live like this. I mean, I got all my boxes in the hall. You can't get in the fucking door.
I know, did you see me? Every time! Every single time!
We gotta get this stuff out of here. We could make some room for it if we cleaned out your closet.
Okay, damn, my ears.
Listen to me. I have laid out clean towels on the floor of the bathroom. Gently place the shoes and boxes on them. I forgot I had these. Things are looking up.
- How many pairs of shoes does one person need? - That is not the way to get out of this alive.
- I figure I'm gonna need about half this space. - I figure you've gone mentally ill.
- You never wear most of this stuff. - Yet! I never wear most of this stuff yet. Someday I will.
Like this? When and where were you planning to wear this?
Don't do that. Don't mock the clothes. And for the record, have worn it. December, '99, Union Square, book signing.
- We gotta start somewhere. - Come on, I love this outfit.
That's when I realized I was holding on to a Roberto Cavalla outfit and throwing away my relationship.
- Okay, it goes! - Good.
Bye. Pete! Hey, Pete! Stop it! Pete, stop it! Pete, my God! Pete, hey! Don't show it to me, don't even show it to me! I think I saw turquoise. That better not be the pair I think! Goddamn it! That dog owes me $380.
- Fine. - You can't buy it, it's circa 1996! Goddamn it!
He's a dog, what's he supposed to do? All your shit lying around here?
My shit wouldn't be lying around if we weren't making room because your shit is lying around.
You got more shit lying around than I got lying around.
What? Look at this place. It’s loaded with your shit. Just look at this bathroom! Look at all your shit in my bathroom. Who needs five almost empty Speed stick deodorants? What are you, a crazy bag man?
They're different smells!
And when have you ever worn musk? Look at this stuff, you got old razors, Rogaine. Wait a minute. You use Rogaine? I didn't know you needed.
- It’s preventative! - Is your hair falling out? - I don't want to talk about it!
It seems it's not only women who have Secret Single Behavior.
This is my stuff! Don't be going through my stuff.
You were more than happy to go through my stuff.
Your stuff, your bathroom. You always do that, you never want to let me in.
I don't ''always do'' anything. And I have let you in.
You're fighting with me about a stupid fucking outfit!
Shut up! It’s Roberto Cavalli. I threw it away and I love it! What more do you want?
- Shut up! Shut up! - Yes, shut up! - You're telling me to shut up?
Please, just shut up! I'm so sick of hearing you talking all the time! Don't you ever just shut up?
I'm gonna take a walk.
No. I'm taking a walk! You can stay here with your boxes of shit and your shoe eating dog and you can knock yourself out putting on the Rogaine and the Speed stick! This is why I need a second door! I heard that!
I used to think those people who sat alone at Starbucks writing on their laptops were pretentious poseurs. Now, I know. They're people who have recently moved in with someone. As I Looked around I wondered how many of them were mid-fight like myself. The hard thing about fighting in relationships, as opposed to Madison Square Garden, no referee. There's no one to tell you which comments are below the belt or when to go to your separate corners. As a result, someone usually gets hurt. And it seems, the closer a couple gets and the more ''stuff'' they have between them, the harder it is to figure out exactly why they are yelling. When it comes to relationships I couldn't help but wonder what are we fighting for?
- Hello, my darling. I'm home! - What are you... is that a surprise for me?
- Yes, it is. Don't get all excited, it's just a little silly something. - What is it?
Open it. It’s a cardboard baby. I saw it in the window of a novelty store next to the hospital. See, now we can relax because we have one. Oh, dear. It was supposed to be funny. I thought we'd have a chuckle.
- Don't talk to me. - See, it was a novelty store. And the clerk said that they sell…
But to Charlotte, it was definitely hitting below the belt.
If the meat is about a quarter of an inch thick…
And across town, Miranda decided it was time to put on the gloves and come out swinging.
Leave a message.
Hi, Walker, Miranda. Before you leave for Brussels on Monday, how about getting together Friday night? My apartment, call me.
Pregnant or not, Miranda had needs and decided to stop fighting them.
And surprisingly, Samantha developed some Secret Single Behavior of her own.
Seven hours and a landside of lattes Later I vibrated home, prepared to admit how silly I'd been.
That was until he wasn't prepared to admit how silly he'd been.
He yelled, then I yelled. It’s been three days, and nothing. Not a word. And I'll be damned if I say I'm sorry first.
Trey and I hardly ever yell. We're Wasps. Wasps don't yell, it's genetic. Would anyone like more salad?
No, we're done, what's the main course?
- Relax. Chew. You'll get laid. You're not meeting until 10:00. - Beef with Thai noodles.
- Richard is thinking of opening a hotel in Thailand. - Sweetie? It’s perfectly okay to like a guy.
For the last time, the only thing I like about Richard is his big, throbbing, rock hard, perfect dick.
- Forgot it was ladies' night. - Trey, you're not supposed to be here.
- Good evening, everyone. - Hello. Hi.
Hello, Mrs. Still mad, I see. I suppose she told you about the baby.
No, I didn't. I never want to think about it again.
- See I was trying to make Charlotte laugh and … - It’s not funny!
Wait a minute now, maybe they'll think it's funny. See, we were so tense about not being able to have one that I gave Charlotte a cardboard baby. Isn’t that funny? Carrie, you're funny. Cardboard baby, that's funny, right? I mean, it's not funny ''haha,'' but silly. See, they sell them in novelty stores and other people buy them, and the clerk said that it was funny. Maybe you have to see it.
- Don't you bring that thing in here! - It’s silly.
Not to me it isn't! How would you feel if I gave you a cardboard cut out of a big flaccid penis? It’s not so funny now, is it? Don't you bring that flat baby in here, I will kill you!
How dare you talk to me like that in front of them?
They know about your penis problems! They're sick of hearing it!
There we were, right in the middle of a Wasp nest.
This is unforgivable!
No, what's unforgivable is you denying me my baby because of your own selfish, spoiled needs.
- I'm spoiled? - Yes!
You are spoiled! Ever since we moved back in here, it's been nothing but ''baby, baby''! What about me?
Richard, hello. No, it's not too late to call.
- Everything but a baby! - We're gonna go.
- Good! - Don't you talk to my friends like that! Without a baby, they're all I have!
- And what am I? - You are the man who gave me a cardboard baby!
- It was funny! - No, it wasn't! - Goodnight!
- Okay, what's so important that it couldn't wait until… - This.
Let's get something straight. I want no part of that. That turns everything into a big screaming mess. We are work and sex. Nothing more. Now kindly take off those pants and show me your dick.
- I'll show you mine if you show me yours. - That's what I'm talking about.
Seeing a bantam-weight championship fight like Charlotte and Trey's made me thankful that Aidan and I were still in the banter-weight division.
- I’ m sorry. - I'm sorry, too.
That night, I slept in my clothes. Trey and his baby slept in the guest room and Charlotte no longer cared what Trey thought.
Fuck me! Fuck me like there's no tomorrow.
For her last meal, the condemned woman had seconds and thirds.
Samantha met the dawn after a night of S.S.B. Sexy Swimming Behavior.
- Dance with me. - What did I say?
- I'm your boss. It’s an order. - Richard. - Dance with me.
Samantha finally threw in the towel. All this time, she'd been trying to make him just a perfect dick, fighting her feelings that he might be the perfect Richard.
And back at the Bradshaw Shaw residence it was pretty much business as usual.
What's up? Where you been? Who did you see?
- Buddy, I need you to do something. - What?
I've never lived with anybody before you, so I don't know how to say this correctly but I need you to not talk to me for one whole hour. I know that sounds pretty selfish but it's just what I need. Is that okay? Okay, good. We don't have any other rooms yet, so I'm gonna close these and then it's like I'm not here. For one whole hour, I'm not here. Thanks. I love you.
So, what are you doing out here?
That's the thing about needs, sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.
As our 30 days wore on, Aidan and I miraculously managed to not kill each other. But, as I predicted, the plant was not so lucky.