401. The Agony and the "Ex"-tasy
(Saturday Night) Cuts of the girls, all getting ready to go out.
Ext. walking on a NY street (evening). Kristy MacColl: "In These Shoes" (From the CD "Tropical Brainstorm") playing on the background.
Carrie (V.O.): If you are single, there's one thing you should always take with you when you go out on a Saturday night… your friends.
Carrie: Why are we walking so fast?
Samantha: Really, are we in that big of a hurry to get to an engagement party?
Charlotte: What…don’t you guys want to go?
Miranda: I did until I saw this invitation.
Carrie: Here, let me see that again, “Two souls one thought”. Wow!, that is sappy!, that is totally not like Danny.
Miranda: Must have been her idea. “Two souls one pushy fiancée”
Charlotte: Oh come on it’s beautiful, it’s a big romantic gesture to express how they feel about each other.
Carrie: If two people have only one thought between them something is very wrong. Whoop cab.
Samantha: I remember when Danny had more than one thought, and they all involved going up my ass.
Charlotte: You had sex with Danny?
Samantha: Yeah he’s cute, straight, we’ve known him for ten years. Haven’t we all had sex with Danny?
Carrie: Oh, yeah that one weekend that I was bored.
Charlotte: Just a new year’s eve kiss.
Miranda: I showed him a boob in a coat-check room.
Carrie: Just one?
Miranda: I sensed he couldn’t commit. We’re over here.
Danny's engagement party. background music playing From the CD "The DJ Rodriguez Football Club": "My Magic Carpet"
Miranda: Baby lamb chops, this is quite a spread!
Carrie: Two souls, one big budget.
Carrie (V.O.): There he was, the fiancée du jour.
Danny: Hey look who’s here!
Carrie and Miranda: Congratulations!
Danny: Thanks! This is my other half, Hailey.
Carrie and Miranda: Congratulations!
Danny: Hailey, this is Carrie and Charlotte.
Carrie and Miranda: Miranda!
Danny: Oh Miranda, alright…Duh, sorry, I’m just a little overwhelmed.
Miranda: Couldn’t remember my name?
Carrie: Maybe you should’ve shown him both boobs.
Carrie (V.O.): And across the room from the two soul couple.
Phil: I told the other dumb nuts I wanted a Gray Goose on the rocks a fucking hour ago.
Carrie (V.O.): A man with no soul.
Samantha: So Phil, what is it that you do?
Phil: I’m a TV agent, and I fucking love it.
Female guest1: Oh, what a beautiful wedding ring, where’s your husband?
Charlotte: Oh, Hmmm, he’s not here. We’re actually taking some time apart, we’re separated, not legally separated, nothing legal, god no! We’re just taking some time to figure things out. We got married really fast, love at first sight, didn’t think it through. So, now we’re just talking and trying to figure out what he, actually “We” …”he and I” really want. We love each other so much but that doesn’t always mean a marriage is working does it? No it does not! We had some problems, in the bedroom, It was more about the fact that we got married so fast. So, now we are just talking Nothing physical I think it’s better if we just talk. So we are talking until we figure it all out. So, no, he’s not here.
Female guest 1: Oh, Ok I have to…(to another party guest) don´t talk to her!
Carrie (V.O.): Charlotte realized that she and Trey were two souls, with too many thoughts.
Party guest2: The minute we met it was perfect I knew we were meant to be together. I could stop looking I had found him!
Party guest2: What about you guys?,
Carrie: I’m not dating anyone.
Party guest2: And what about you Miranda, seeing anyone special?
Miranda: Actually no but I am seeing a whole bunch of unspecial guys. That’s one of the requirements to date me. Are you special? Sorry! Move along…but if you have any unspecial friends could you give ‘em my number. I’m serious do any of you have a completely unremarkable friend or maybe a house plant I could go to dinner with on Saturday night?
Party guest2: She’s hilarious!
Danny's engagement party. Ext. Street.
Carrie: Hey, what the hell was going on in there? Felt like your little comedy routine should have a two-drink minimum.
Miranda: We were standing in a group of married or engaged women just trying to avoid the pity party.
Carrie: really and I thought it was cocktail party.
Miranda: We were the only single people in there.
Carrie: Miranda we’re the only single people anywhere.
Miranda: Are you telling me that you didn’t see all those “ Don´t worry you’ll find someone looks?”
Carrie: Nope, didn’t see ‘em.
Miranda: Hey, society views single people our age as sad and pathetic and I don’t need that judgment hanging over my head so I go on the offensive and I make them laugh.
Carrie: Ok Shecky, You know what? Sometimes I think people and couples look at us and wish they had our lives.
Miranda: Nope, we make them uncomfortable and they don’t know what to say.
Carrie: And you are sure you’re not overreacting?
Charlotte: What are we doing?!?
Trey: Charlotte…My god I thought it was the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Charlotte: I cannot go to any more parties until I know what we are going to do.
Trey: About what?
Charlotte: Us!!!, …I’ve been up for hours trying to figure out if we should stay together in spite of our issues. Look!, I don’t want to confuse you so I made some notes.
Trey: You made some notes?
Charlotte: Yeah, it helps me to be clear. One, sex life…
Trey: Well, the sex we had on the floor of your apartment was quite good, actually.
Charlotte: One time! That does not a marriage make.
Trey: Come inside, maybe we can rack up a new score.
Charlotte: Two, you only want me when you can’t have me.
Trey: Did you make a note in there that mentions how beautiful you look tonight?
Charlotte: Hmm, we have some big decisions to make. Trey!…, you have a boner!
Trey: Well, you look just so beautiful.
Charlotte: I can’t discuss my notes if you have a boner.
Trey: Come inside.
Charlotte: I cannot come inside, we are separated. I have more notes.
Trey: I dream about you every night, may I take off your panties?
Trey: All righty.
Charlotte: You said you didn’t want to be married, and now I, just, I don’t know if I want to be married. Trey, are you? Umm. Ooh.
Carrie (V.O.): That night neither Charlotte nor Trey came inside.
Trey: I’m not quite sure what to say. I’m sorry Charlotte, may I get you a hankie?
Charlotte: It’s too late for a hankie. This isn’t working, whatever this is we’re doing, it isn’t working!… Just please stop calling me, I’ll call you when I figure out what I want.
Trey: Charlotte, I love you …Send me the dry-cleaning bill.
Carrie (V.O.): Trey may have had a lot of flaws but bad manners wasn’t one of them.
Int. Carrie's apt.
Carrie (V.O.): It was a lovely uneventful Saturday morning. Three lattes, two newspapers, and … one dating-service application.
Int. trendy NY café
Carrie: Dear single…
Miranda: Single? You don’t even have a name?
Carrie: Well I’m single I don’t deserve one.
Samantha: That’s the postal equivalent of a drive-by shooting.
Carrie: Yeah and I thought those fifty-seven menus I get everyday from Hunan Munan were annoying.
Miranda: Look at this! Don’t let your soul mate slip away.
Carrie: Oh I know it’s almost a threat it like we have ‘em he’s just waiting for you but hurry ‘cause he’s slipping, slipping away Oops there he goes. Soulmates only exist in the hallmark aisle.
Charlotte: I disagree, I believe that there’s that one perfect person out there to complete you.
Miranda: And if you don’t find him, what!, you’re incomplete?, it’s so dangerous!
Carrie: Alright first of all the idea that there’s only one out there, I mean, why don’t I just shoot myself right now? I’d like to think that people have more than one soulmate.
Samantha: I agree, I’ve had hundreds.
Carrie: Yeah, and you know what, if you miss one along comes another, like cabs.
Charlotte: No, that is not how it works.
Carrie: Oh Ok.
Miranda: But you’re still looking outside yourself, It’s saying that you are not enough.
Charlotte: Are you enough?
Carrie: Actually today she’s too much.
Samantha: Look the bad thing about the one perfect soulmate is that is so unattainable you’re being set out to fail.
Miranda: Exactly and you feel bad about yourself.
Samantha: Yeah, and that makes the gap between the Holy Grail and the assholes even bigger.
Charlotte: Well, I don’t care, I believe in soulmates, I thought Trey was mine but I don’t think that a soulmate would… on your leg. But there’s got to that be that someone out there who’s just perfect for me. Maybe I should keep looking.
Carrie: Here you go!
Miranda: We’re filling this out.
Charlotte: No, I’m not in the mood.
Miranda: Not for you, for her.
Charlotte: Oh, Ok!
Miranda: Age, check box twenty to twenty-five, twenty-five to thirty, thirty to thirty four.
Charlotte: Not after next week, birthday girl, thirty-five.
Miranda: Thirty-five to forty-four.
Samantha: Honey, welcome to my box.
Int. Carrie's apt.
Carrie: Soulmate, two little words one big concept, a belief that someone, somewhere is holding the key to your heart and your dream house. All you have to do is find them, so, where is this person? And if you loved someone and it didn’t work out, does that mean they weren’t your soulmate?, were they just a runner-up contestant in this game show called Happily ever after? And as you move from age box to age box and the contestants get fewer and fewer, are your chances of finding your soulmate less and less? Soulmates…reality or torture device?
Ext. walking on a NY street (noon).
Samantha: What about a little birthday dinner? Il Cantinori, something nice.
Carrie: I’m not sure I want to do anything, I’m kinda into laying low.
Samantha: laying low or feeling low?
Carrie: No, I’m fine.
Samantha: Oh, come on, you gotta do better than that, you gotta grab thirty-five by the balls and say “hey world I’m thirty-five!”
Carrie: Ok clam down.
Samantha: I’ll put the dinner together, all you have to do is show up. Just close friends very fabulous light.
Carrie: That sounds fun, thank you.
Samantha: Should I invite Big?
Carrie: What are you slowly trying to kill me on the way to lunch?
Samantha: Well, technically you are friends now, right?
Carrie: You know a phone call here and there; friendly. Why, do you think I should invite him?
Samantha: Oh honey, how should I know, when I’m done with them, I’m done with them!
Carrie: Maybe not besides I think he’s still in London. Let’s just keep it to the low-maintenance friends.
Priest: Hey, welcome. Come in, come in.
Samantha: He is hot!
Carrie: He is a priest.
Samantha: He is a hot priest. Look at his robe it’s so Robin and his Merry Men.
Priest: Esta bien, gracias.
Samantha: You tell ‘em Friar fuck..
Carrie: Ok sister, let’s go. I’m not going to loose my table at Pastis so can cruise a holy man.
Samantha: What street are we on, again?
Ext. Samantha walking into All Souls Community Center.
Carrie (V.O.): That Sunday, Samantha went to church.
Samantha: Good morning.
Priest: Good morning.
Samantha: I couldn’t help but notice all the good work you’re doing in the neighborhood and I just stopped to see if I could be of service?
Priest: Well, we could use another hand in the kitchen.
Samantha: I’m in public relations and I was thinking maybe I could help put a benefit together, something classy, respectful. I can guarantee Donald Trump and Marlo Thomas.
Priest: Oh, thank you but here at All Souls we’re a little bit more low-key than that. We’re more about collecting food to feed to the needy.
Samantha: So… I love your robe.
Priest: Well, this is what we wear, I’m the Franciscan Order founded by St. Francis. The robe is Mmm…Do you really want to hear about this?
Samantha: Oh, Tell me more about this Saint Francis.
Priest: Well, he lived his life based on the vows of poverty and chastity. Here! St. Francis giving his coat to the poor.
Samantha: Samantha Jones, public relations. If you change your mind about the benefit … or anything…
Carrie (V.O.): And just like that, Samantha went from Mr. “No-Soul” to Mr. “All-Souls”.
Int. Samantha’s place (classical music playing on the background).
Carrie (V.O.): After church, most people go out for pancakes, Samantha wasn’t most people.
Int. trendy NY restaurant.
Charlotte: Samantha, your face is glowing, did you get a facial or something?
Samantha: I masturbated all afternoon.
Carrie: All right, then…
Miranda: Seriously?, all afternoon?…
Samantha: Well two, two and a half hours
Miranda: Who’s got that kind of time?, I like to get in and get out.
Samantha: Well I enjoy a quickie every now and then too but when it’s good like today I go with it. I masturbated to my priest.
Charlotte: Your priest?
Samantha: Friar fuck.
Carrie: Ok, I think we might have to get Charlotte a crash helmet.
Charlotte: You have a priest?
Carrie: No, no, no…she wants him, but she can’t have him. It’s all very Thorn Birds.
Samantha: In my fantasy he tears the food I’m carrying for the homeless out of my arms, rips open my dress, lays me down in the street and he enters me.
Miranda: What do you do for the next two hours and twenty minutes?
Charlotte: Stop! You are talking about a priest!
Samantha: It’s a fantasy, I can masturbate to whomever I like; it’s imagination. It’s fun and perfectly healthy. Who do you all fantasize about?
Miranda and Carrie: Russell Crowe!
Carrie: Jinks, you owe me a coke.
Miranda: That’s amazing, what did women do before Russell Crowe?
Carrie and Samantha: George Cloney.
Carrie: Ah, Cloney, Cloney’s like a Chanel suit, he’ll always be in style.
Miranda: I used to masturbate to a busboy who was rude to me once, what do you think that means?
Miranda: Fine the cheese stands alone.
Samantha: Oh, come on Charlotte, get that judgmental puss off and join in. Who do you fantasize about?
Charlotte: No, it’s private.
Miranda: Oh, come on, it can’t be any worst than a priest and a busboy.
Samantha: We’re not moving on until you tell us about one of your masturbation guys.
Charlotte: It’s not guys, lately it’s… just one man.
Carrie: Ll Bean?
Charlotte: No, Trey … and we have this, really, you know, perfect sex. What do you think it means?
Int. Carrie's apt.
Big’s ans. machine: This is four, five, nine, one, nine, o’, five I’m not in, so please leave a message.
Carrie: Hey, I think you’re still in England but, hmm, it’s midnight here in New York and it’s my birthday… I’m officially old so I felt the need to call, someone,… older! Anyway, some friends are giving me a dinner tomorrow night, well actually,
it’s tonight and you are a friend…so…if you are back in town… It’s going to be at Il Cantinori at eight-thirty and if you’re still in London, then, Mmmm, cheerio ol’ chap.
Ext. Wall street (day).
Carrie (V.O.): The next day on Wall Street.
Miranda: Sheila. Hi, How are you?
Sheila: I’m fantastic! Oh gosh, Joe and I just got back from New Orleans. So how are you? Are you seeing anyone special?
Carrie (V.O.): But Miranda wasn’t feeling very shecky.
Miranda: Actually, no I’m not.
Sheila: Well, look he’s out there for you somewhere, you just haven’t met ‘em yet, right?
Miranda: Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know if I believe all that, maybe there isn’t someone for everyone.
Carrie (V.O.): There it was, the truth, no Hallmark hope, no two-drink minimum.
Miranda: So how is Joe, you guys have been married for how many years now?
Sheila: And I bet you’re thinking “Where are the kids, right?” Well, it’s like I said to Joe, I mean; we could have kids or we could have gorgeous fabric without chocolate stains.
Carrie (V.O.): Miranda realized, it’s not just about being single; everyone has a sore spot that needs a little comedy routine.
Sheila: Let alone a poopy diaper.
Carrie (V.O.): And so Miranda laughed, not because it was particularly funny but because it was kind.
Sheila: Anyway…could you imagine…
Int. All Souls Community Center Church.
Samantha: They told me you were inside. Am I disturbing you?… May I join you?… I was thinking about you yesterday. You, and the work that you do, I was at the market. They’re Le Sueur peas, they’re the best.
Priest: That’s very kind, thank you.
Samantha: I have a confession to make, I think about you other places than the market. Do you ever think about me?
Priest: I believe that god made the body and it’s perfect in its splendor, but I am not of my body, my life is about other joys.
Carrie (V.O.): Samantha wondered if maybe the hot monk was her soulmate as he was certainly unattainable.
Int. Il Cantinori restaurant.
Carrie (V.O.): I arrived at my party after a day of shopping, with no true soul mate, I spent the afternoon with my shoe soulmate Manolo Blahnik.
Hostess: Oh, good evening can I help you?
Carrie: Oh, yes, Bradshaw party of ten.
Hostess: Yes, you’re the first to arrive, follow me please.
Carrie: The reservation was for eight-thirty, right?
Hostess: Yeah, that’s right.
Waiter: Hi, would you like a drink wilst you wait?
Carrie: Oh yeah, I’ll have a Shirley Temple please, once everyone else gets here, we’re gonna be drinking a lot of champagne.
Waiter: Good, great, excellent.
Carrie (V.O.): Twenty minutes later, still no party.
Carrie: Hi, still alone. Did anyone call asking for Bradshaw?
Hostess: Not that I’m aware of, let me check with the Maítre D.
Carrie: Ok thanks.
Waiter: Can I bring you some champagne now?
Carrie: No, not yet.
Waiter: Good, great, excellent.
Birthday party: Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Martha, Happy birthday to you.
Martha: Twenty-five! Fuck I’m old!
Carrie: Hi, sorry for holding the table I can’t imagine where everybody is. There is only one Il Cantinori, right?
Hostess: Yes…the woman with the birthday cake is here and she need to be paid.
Carrie: Oh, ok, I’m just, I’m gonna get purse.
Ext. NY street. (road construction taking place)
Carrie (V.O.): After I paid seventy dollars for my own birthday cake, I was totally
out of the party mood so I decided to go home and kill myself.
Construction workers: Lady, what are you doing? Look where ya' standin’. There are tracks right there! Go the other way! for crying out loud. Hey. Oh shit. Oh jesus. Get the hell off the road. Get off my road. Get out of my road! Don’t be a fuking…
Carrie: I’m sorry!?! I’m sorry!
Int. Carrie's apt.
Carrie (V.O.): By the time I got home, I had fallen into an emotional hole so deep only a fireman without a collarbone could rescue me.
Ans. Machine: You have fourteen messages.
Carrie plays the messages on the answering machine as she walks over to take a shower.
Samantha’s: Honey, I’m trapped at work, I’ll be ten minutes late. The reservation line is busy, I’ll see you soon.
Charlotte: Carrie! I’m in traffic they’re paving 5th avenue, no one can get through, don’t wait for me. Happy birthday!
Miranda: I’m stuck in fuckin’ traffic, I don’t know how to spell Il Cantinori. for the idiot at four-one-one. Get a cell phone!
Stanford: Carrie it’s Stanford I’m at the wrong place, did you know there’s a Mexican restaurant at University and eleven called El Cantinoro.
Miranda: Ok, I’m here they said you just left, where are you?. We’re still here.
Samantha: Ok so now we’re coming uptown, meet me at the coffee shop, twenty minutes.
Ans. Machine: End of messages…
Charlotte: Carrie. It’s just me.
Carrie: I just aged thirty-five more years. What are you doing here?
Charlotte: Sorry, I came to take you to the coffee shop.
Carrie: No, na, ha, I’m going to bed, I’m not in the mood to be with a bunch of people.
Charlotte: Oh, come on it’s just the four of us. You have to come, it’s your birthday!
Carrie: I am aware of that!
Int. NY restaurant.
Carrie (V.O.): The longer I sat at that table the more alone I felt and it really hit me, I am thirty-five and alone.
Miranda: You are not alone.
Carrie: No, I know I have you guys. I hate myself a little for saying this but… it felt really sad not to have a man in my life who cares about me. No special guy to wish me happy birthday. No goddamn soulmate… and I don’t even know if I believe in soulmates.
Charlotte: Don’t laugh at me but maybe we could be each other’s soulmates. And then we could let men be just these great nice guys to have fun with.
Samantha: Wow, that sounds like a plan.
Carrie: I’m thirty-five, thirty-five is not twenty-five.
Miranda: Thank, god!
Samantha: Oh, Shut the fuck up, I’m a hundred and forty.
Ext. Carrie's apt. street (night). Big is waiting for Carrie in a black limo.
Int. Big's limousine.
Big: Happy birthday baby. Get in.
Carrie: It’s after twelve you’re late.
Big: Not really, I’m on London time.
Carrie: London is five hours ahead.
Big: In that case, I’m really fucking late.
Carrie: I can’t believe you actually got out of the car and got balloons.
Big: I didn’t, Raoul did… Good man. So, how old are you?
Carrie: How old are you? Look, you don’t have to give an exact number; pick a box… Thirty to thirty-five, thirty-five to forty, forty to forty-five. Really? Forty to forty-five.
Big: I don’t know what you were referring to, I had something in my eye.
Carrie: Hey, how do you feel about soulmates?
Big: I like the word “soul”, I like the word “mate”, other than that you got me. Did you have a nice day?
Carrie: I had a fabulous day.
Big: Good for you.
As Big’s car drove away I realized, having three soulmates already nailed down made it a lot easier to spot those great nice guys to have fun with…