308. The Big Time
Manhattan is a place you can get anything anytime. Cabs at 2:00 am. Chinese food at 3:00.
But somehow you can never get your dry-cleaning. Charlotte was spending all her time with Trey, a doctor from family money who had it all. All, but all of Charlotte. Apparently Trey was one New Yorker not getting everything anytime.
Trey is so thoughtful. I wasn't feeling well last night...so he took me for some soup on 7th street and then we went to 2nd.
Then he did your physics homework with you?
No, I wanna take it slow. I think he could really be the one.
You've only known him for two weeks. You can know his e-mail address, but you can not know that he's the one.
I just know. And it's really hard, because he's very sexy. But I don't want to ruin it by having sex too early.
Oh, so you're everything-but-girl.
I like to think of it as... kissing with extras.
How very ninth grade of you.
I read that if you don't have sex for a year you can actually become revirginized.
And I would imagine quite frisky.
But isn't that great? You can erase your sexual past and start again.
Who wants their virginity back? It was bad enough the first time.
How old were you?
Eleventh grade. Seth Bateman. His smelly rec room. Half a joint, three thrusts, finito. And ps, it was on the ping-pong table.
Meanwhile, I was doing everything plus with Aidan. I couldn't get out of bed with him. My bed had become our restaurant, our entertainment center, our own little New York. open 24 hours.
When do you think they’re gonna send a search party for us?
I guess spring thaw.
That's an awful long time, my friend.
Downtown another New Yorker was enjoying her very full life. Samantha had a new apartment in the ultra chic Meatpacking District and a new admirer.
Well, there goes the neighborhood. Len Schneider, 4A. I collect art.
Samantha Jones, 2D.
I am guessing you collect compliments.
Oh, Len. Stop. Really, Len. Stop. If you'll excuse me.
Listen, I would love to have you come up to my place tonight. I make a mean wine Spritzer.
I don't think so. Sorry.
Samantha said sorry but what she really meant was...when did it become acceptable for over-the-hill losers to ask out hot women like her?
I'm keeping you on neighborhood watch.
And just when Samantha thought her day couldn't get any worse...
This is a catalogue for pre-menopausal women.
"New Transitions." Nice name.
Why don't they call it what it is? J. Crew for women who are drying up. FYl, I'm not transitioning. I'm happening.
You're just on the wrong mailing list.
I knew I shouldn't have signed up for that three months "Mirabella" trial subscription.
Last year I bought a back pillow on line and ended up with all these catalogues for trusses.
- You got a back pillow? - At I'm getting old.com.
Maybe I could interest you in vaginal lubrication suppositories?
Listen: "Sometime in ten years before menopause you may experience symptoms including:
"all month long PMS, fluid retention, insomnia, depression, hot flushes or irregular periods."
On the plus side people try to give up their seats for you on the bus.
Oh, my God! Vagina weights.
My vagina waits for no man.
- Look. The Kegel Master. - What's a Kegel muscle?
- It helps you sit tight down there. - And I have one?
- If you have to ask, you haven’t been doing your exercises. - What exercises?
All you have to sit tight is to tighten and release it for ten minutes a day. Kegel exercises... I'm doing mine right now.
Man, she's good.
Well, I for one can't wait for menopause. You really have freeing not to have periods.
I can't wait till flow stops coming to town.
- No one calls it flow. – I think my grandmother did.
It’d be nice we’ve done with mind-numbing cramps.
No kidding. I've got mine right now. Big time.
I hear that, sister.
My God, I have my period too. We're all synched up. I've heard about that happening.
What? I'll get mine in a few days.
If Samantha was running late, I was running even later.
The "Gab Magazine" lunch party was starting in an hour and my fabulous party dress was still at the cleaners.
oh, please, sir! Shit.
Apparently my fabulous party dress would be staying in for the evening.
Across town Miranda and Steve decided instead of staying in, they'd go out.
Since when did it become appropriate to bring babies to restaurants?
Oh, come on. He's cute.
Yeah. God invented baby-sitters for a reason.
I don't think it's so bad. It's nice to have babies around.
Don't get me wrong. I love babies; I just don’t love babies with my soup.
Oh, my God. Look at you. You're a mess!
- We should do it. We should have a baby. - Yeah, right.
I'm serious. We'd have a very cute baby, not one that looks like Khrushchev.
- We wouldn't have to get married. - You're serious?
Yes. I’m serious. The timing is perfect.
The timing is not perfect. We've only been living together for what…two months. It's way too quick. We cannot have a baby. You're insane.
Come on. I want a baby. It'd be fun.
It's not like owning a foosball table. Do you have any idea how much work a baby is?
Yeah, I know. But I can hang out with him during the day. Watch "Sesame Street" while you're at work, then I go to work at the bar.
And I'd be up all night with the baby, alone and getting no sleep, then have to get up the next day and stay awake to work the 14 hours I need to make partner so I can afford the apartment you're watching all the "Sesame Street" in.
Let's hope the baby inherits my positive attitude.
Can we please talk about something else?
While Miranda was left contemplating diapers...I was contemplating McQueen versus Gucci.
It's your last chance to attend a fabulous party with a fabulous girl.
It's a party on a boat?
Correction: fancy boat. And P.S., the fabulous girl is rumored to be easy.
- What's the party for? - This new magazine, "Gab".
- Have you read it? - No, I am just going to the celebrity sightings.
I'd be stuck on this boat with all these celebs.
And celebrity hangers-on.
Well stepping is down, would it be OK if I stay on dry land for the night?
- Of course. - Will you still be easy later?
- Is that a proposition? - Bon voyage
The "Gab" party was everything they promised and more.
Regis Philbin, Madonna and every fired editor of "New Yorker" was there.
- Hey, thanks. - So, where was l?
Unfortunately, it was Trey who was doing most of the gabbing.
You are at the part about the birthday present.
That's right. My mother gives me this god awful machine for sorting change...
He has a lot of change.
...for my birthday. I lied to her and said I loved it. Immediately I jumped into a cab and drove that thing right back forever. So there I was, on... 40th and Broadway. I heared this woman yell like a hyena.
I did not!
The cab stops up short. I almost hit my head on that plastic partition. I got out...I told him to stop the meter. And there was Charlotte, lying on the middle of street. That's how we met.
And that's how we met.
- That's very sweet. - Oh, you forgot the part of the cabbie got mad.
It's OK, ‘cause I remember.
Anyway, it was fate. If my mother didn't give me such bad gifts, this wonderful gift would never have come into my life.
I'd heard the story at least three times already. Another minute of Trey and we would definitely be in a man overboard situation.
- Hey, I'm gonna go to hit the buffet. - OK. Not too hard.
As I walked away, I realized I hadn't seen Charlotte that happy in years and with a man she had known for five minutes. And just when I thought I was safe...
- Hello. - Oh, hi. cheese. Hello.
...I ran into the man I'd been happy with for five minutes.
- Right. Well, hi. - I thought I might see you here.
- You did? Where's Natasha? - She missed the boat.
Very crowded. Well, I gotta...Dominick Dunne is holding my place in the bathroom line.
Big and l, trapped together on a boat without dates. We were two miles offshore. There was no way off. Children and women with emotional baggage first.
Carrie. Look what Trey gave me. Isn't it beautiful?
It was completely a surprise. He said the last few weeks have been very special and that he's smitten. Look, it's inscribed.
Let's see. "To Charlotte. It's about time I met you." Sweetie, that's great.
- When does this boat dock? - I think it’s10:00.
- What time is it? - It's not set yet.
- It's pretty. - Thanks. I better get back to Trey. I think this is it, Carrie. I can feel it.
Apparently one woman's "Titanic" is another woman's "Love Boat".
- Boo. - Jesus.
So what was that back there?
I... I don't know.
- Can't we have a conversation any more? - I don't know. Can we?
Around Brooklyn there's gonna be a mutiny. Pass it on.
- What a spiffy opener. - I try. So what are you? Are you...Are you seeing anyone?
Yeah, I am. He's great. He's perfect, actually.
Where is he, Mr. Perfect?
He's home. I didn't wanna subject him to the cold food of slimy media leeches.
Present company excluded.
That's some outfit, kid.
Really? Do you think so? If you like this one, you'll love the one being held hostage on 74th and Lex. It's good to see you.
The next morning I recovered from my see-Big sickness, while downtown, Samantha realized maybe her ship had sailed. She was five days late.
Later we did brunch and bathroom at Time cafe.
I'm in love with him.
You're not in love with him. You're in love with the very expensive watch he gave you. Do you have another?
Ladies. I'm not Tampax central. Put on list. Buy tampon.
I have them at home. But they won't fit in my Kate Spade purse.
Wow, Kate must have a tiny vagina.
I think the watch is a sign that he's in love with me too.
He is not in love. He's just in blue ball hell.
Sometimes you just know. We're the right match. It's fate.
It's not fate. His light is on. That's all.
Men are like cabs. When they're available, their light goes on. They wake up one day, they decide they are ready to settle down, have baby whatever, and they turn their light on. The next woman they pick up is the one they'll marry. It's not fate. It's dumb luck.
Sorry, I refuse to believe that love is random.
Please, it’s all about timing. You gotta get them when their light's on.
Those men I meet are flashing yellows.
Or off duty. They can drive around for years picking up women and not be available.
They really shouldn't be allowed to get behind the wheel!
Most men don't stay lit long before they take the plunge versus most women who have been lit pretty much since birth.
That was my last tampon. Are you packing?
No, I am not. I don't have a tampon and probably will never need one again.
- A "no" is good enough. - I haven't had my period in 35 days.
- Are you...? - No, I'm not pregnant. I'm...I'm drying up.
Come on. You're overreacting. It was a stupid catalogue.
I'm day-old bread. My time is up. Enjoy your flows.
For someone with no period you've got a mean case of PMS.
You have years of miserable cramps ahead of you.
Ladies...What I'm about to tell you...may come as a shock. I'm a little...older than you.
That night I couldn't stop thinking about time. Was every second of our lives controlled by fate? Or is life just a series of random occurrences? If I wasn't perpetually ten minutes late, would my life be totally different? Would I never run into Big? Would there ever be a good time to see him?
Was Miranda right? Is timing everything?
Could you turn that down? I'm working.
OK, not low enough.
You're gonna have to get used to the noise with a baby around.
Look. I've been thinking about this baby thing. We're really not in a great place right now. And I don’t think… Can we have this conversation without "Scooby Doo"?
It’s the great one. It's the one where they find the ghost in the old salt mine.
- I'm serious. Turn off the cartoons. - But what about the ghost?
- You know what? Forget it. - Miranda.
It was then Miranda realized she may have already had a baby in her house.
I wanna shelve this whole baby thing for a while.
OK, you got it.
Put a coaster under that glass and turn off the lights before you come to bed.
We haven't had sex in over a week and he wants to have a baby. What's wrong with this picture?
You can always go the immaculate conception route.
Seriously, we're in this shitty place. We fight and I'm working really long hours for this partner thing. And it’s like he's using a baby as a Band-Aid for everything that's wrong with us.
What is wrong with you guys?
I don't know. It's like he's a kid and I end up nagging him all the time. I'm mean mommy and no one wants to fuck mean mommy.
Oh, I believe you.
Then I think maybe I'm sabotaging the relationship so I don't have to have a baby with him and actually be happy. Maybe the problem is me.
This baby is gonna need a lot of therapy.
- There is no baby! - OK, mean mommy.
But I do want one eventually and my clock is running out. I've only got a million viable eggs left.
300 of which we just killed with those martinis at lunch.
That night, Samantha got drunk. She had lost her spirit and there was no pill in the catalogue to correct that. And so she accepted a date with Len. After all, day-old bread needed to stick together.
- Have you ever been in a Cadillac Eldorado? - No.
Oh, those babies are smooth. They have buttons do everything for you. There's even a button to adjust your lumbar. Great for my hip. Did I tell you I have an artificial hip?
- No. - Hard to believe, baby?
Samantha couldn't listen to one more minute of Len. So she slept with him and his hip to shut him up.
Yeah, baby. Give it to daddy.
- Oh, Jesus. - What.
Baby, either you're a virgin or flow just came to town.
- My period? - There's fucking blood everywhere.
Oh, my God. That is so...
These sheets are two grand a set.
I'm sorry, really very sorry.
Samantha said sorry. What she really meant was...there are plenty more young studs in this hot pre-pre-menopausal woman's future.
This is embarrassing. I should go. Thanks for dinner.
The next day, Miranda was putting in time and a half at her firm when...
- Miranda Hobbes. - Hey.
- I'm really busy and I don’t have time to talk. - Meet me in half an hour at 56th and 3rd, OK?
- I can't, I got a meeting at 4:00. - Come on, I figure it will help. Please. - OK.
- This is not gonna happen. - Come on. Look at them.
How exactly would this help us?
Maybe we're not ready for a baby. This could be a test run.
Who would take care of the test run?
Me. Please, buyer lady. Take me home and love me.
- You're insane. - Not in front of the puppy!
Miranda had been backed into a corner. Even though she was surrounded by bitches, she didn't wanna be one.
That night Charlotte and Trey were performing their usual duet.
...and then I got out and found you.
Oh, really? I found you.
I think I should come in.
No, sweetie. I have an early meeting. But thanks, I had a lovely time. Really.
- Good night. - Good night.
You're very persistent.
I don’t wanna come in. I wanna tell you something. I love you. Charlotte.
- You do? - Yeah.
I love you too.
That night, Charlotte got everything she wanted. Trey got a hand job. And at 3:00 am Miranda was getting nothing but aggravated.
Please, go to sleep. Please, I beg you. Here. Look.
This is supposed to be your mom's heart beating or...something.
- Are you happy? - Not really.
We get this puppy. Already I'm the only one taking care of it. I've been up all night. You're sound asleep. This was a huge mistake.
Come on, relax. It will be fine.
Yeah, it will be fine for you, because you're not doing anything.
He's just getting used to us. Poochie, poochie, puppy boy. Give mommy a kiss.
This is it. I'm so sick of you being the kid here.
I cannot be in charge all the time. We're supposed to be equals, partners. You think we can have a baby? We can't even have a puppy together.
We're just going through a rough patch.
This isn't a patch. This is it. All the time. And it's not good.
Great. So you're just gonna give up on us, just like that?
Not just like that. I have been trying not to give up on us for a long time.
- That's nice. - I'm just being honest.
It was then Miranda realized something. All this time, she thought the problem was her. It wasn't. It was them. And there was never a good time to say what she had to say.
This isn't gonna work, Steve.
There's good stuff, here.
Not enough. A baby would've been a quick fix for something that can't be fixed.
- Because you don't want it to work. - That's so unfair.
- I don't wanna fight you anymore. - Do you think I do?
- I don't know. - Steve...I really tried.
That night, Miranda lost her partner. The next day, she got a new one. Fifteen of them.
Meanwhile, I was still enjoying my one.
Do you wanna have a sleepover?
Let me set the timer.
I didn't know about Aidan but my light was definitely on.
You have one new message.
Hey, Carrie, I'm...
I knew who it was. I couldn't stop Big from coming back into my life. But I could stop him from coming out of my machine.
Hey, you're out of filters. I'm gonna run down to the Korean.
- Hey... - Yeah?
- You make me really happy. See you in a bit. - OK.
Oh, that was very fast.
- What are you doing here? - Didn't you get my message?
- No, I paused it. What are you doing here? - That was him, wasn't it? The perfect guy.
- Yes and he's coming back, so...Please, what do you want? - I don't know.
- No, go home to your wife. Go. - I'm so fucked up.
I had no idea what else Big was gonna say. And I'm not sure what bugged me more. That I didn't know or that I cared.
Hey, Carrie. I'm here on your corner. I know you're home. Pick up. Jesus. Well, I miss you. I can't fucking stop thinking about you. There you have it.
There it was. Exactly what I had needed to hear...a year too late. I should have been happy, but I wasn't. It was the absolute worst timing of all. Ten minutes later, Aidan still hadn't come back. Suddenly my life was all about timing. All the right things said at all the wrong times. My past coming back way too fast. And my future taking way too long to come home.