313. Escape from New York
New York City, dreary, gray, miserable. Or was that just me? After ending a sordid affair with my married ex-boyfriend, and going through a painful break-up with my current one, I decided it was time for a change of scenery. And I wasn't alone.
I can’t believe you al are going to LA without me!
We still can’t believe you went on your honeymoon without us.
I have pictures.
While we were planning our escape, Charlotte was celebrating her return. She and Trey had just come back from 10 days in Bermuda.
Here, Trey and I are playing golf.
Do you think the studio will send a limo to pick us up?
- No, I do not. - They should. They're making your column a film.
It's a little production company that's just talking about optioning my columns.
I know. I was just practicing my LA spin.
Here's one of Trey pretending to get a hole in one. He just loved that gag.
Did you notice we're both wearing Bermuda shorts?
Bermudas in Bermuda. You kids were crazy down there!
I'd love to stay, but I've gotta drag my cat and take it to the kennel.
- Lovely. - I gotta go too.
- The car's picking us up at one. - We'll be there.
- Welcome back, you old married lady. - Bye. Have fun.
- All right. - How are you?
- I am good. How are you? - Great.
I told Aidan about the affair. He broke up with me.
Trey and I never had sex on honeymoon.
You win. Shall we get more coffee or shall we get guns and kill ourselves?
He couldn't get it up. We tried twice. It was so frustrating, we started playing golf.
After many days on the golf course, Charlotte's handicap had gone down twelve. Trey's handicap had stayed the same.
- Impotence is a common problem. - Oh, God. Do you think he's impotent?
- Well... - My husband can't be impotent. He's gorgeous.
All right then. Glad you solved that.
I was thinking maybe he was just nervous about the wedding, the honeymoon and the golf. He played really badly one day.
- What do you want me to say? - Let's change the subject.
- All right. - What happened with Aidan?
Nothing good. The only reason I agreed to this trip to get away from Aidan and Big and the whole mess. Come on. Let's get the check and go to Barneys. I can't possibly go to Los Angeles without another pair of shoes.
No. You go, I'm gonna stay and have another cup. Just go. Have fun.
- All right. Call me if you need me. - OK. Bye.
Later that day, three single New Yorkers arrived in the City of Angels.
I so needed this vacation.
- You and me both, sister. - Hooray for Hollywood!
That's his job? To sit in a fake fish tank in underwear?
- What do you think he's reading? - The want ads?
- There seems to be a problem. - Words I'm never fond of hearing.
I have reservations for Ms. Jones and Ms. Bradshaw, but not Ms. Hobbes.
- That's just great. - There supposed to be three reservations.
The production company only requested two rooms, and I’m afraid we're all booked up.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck. - She’s from New York.
I understand. I'll have another room tomorrow. The next day is the latest. Until then, might I suggest you stay with one of your friends?
- I'll stay with her. – I don't wanna hear anything about my smoking.
- They didn't request smoking rooms. - Excuse me?
- You're on a non-smoking floor. - Words I'm even less fond of hearing.
Later that night, decked out in our "New York goes to LA" finest, we were ready for a night on the town.
- OK, I'm ready. - Let's go.
Back in the hotel bar, we realized the three-hour time difference also made us three hours late for cocktail hour.
- Welcome to LA. I'm Garth. – I’m Samantha. How do you know I'm from out of town?
Because if you lived here, we would have met by now.
What do you do when you're not working as a one-man welcome wagon?
- I'm a dildo model. - You wouldn't tease a girl, would you?
I'm the number two selling model in the US, number one in Canada. My dick's bigger.
You gotta love that metric system.
- I gotta run. - Where? A dildo emergency?
I know you think I'm yanking your chain, but I'm not. As a matter of fact, we're having a promotional party at Hustler store, celebrating the launch of a new line of toys and accessories. Here's an invitation. Come.
I always do.
As Samantha said goodbye to Mr. Dildo, Miranda said hello to Mr. Dique. Mr. Jason Dique.
It's spelled D-l-Q-U-E. And yes, I've thought about changing it.
It would be worse if your first name was Little.
- What about you? What do you do? - I'm a lawyer.
- I thought I had it bad. - No.
- No, it's great. You look like a lawyer. - You look like a dick.
It is so great to talk to a smart and funny woman.
- What was I saying? - It's great to talk to a smart funny woman.
- Yeah. Could you excuse me for a second? – OK.
Across the bar, I was having drinks with the most ambitious and feared creature in all of Los Angeles, the junior development executive.
I just love your columns. They're so relatable.
- Thanks. I try. - It's like I'm you. I will be when I turn 30.
You! You are such a loser. You're a loser. You are. Loser.
I'm kidding. What a loser. Last year, he pitched me nothing but shit 24-7.
That's a lot of shit.
No shit. Seriously, I am you. You've had your heart broken. I've had my heart broken. If I have, that means other girls have. If other girls have, that means big opening weekend. Not x-Men big, but chick flick big. The guy who came up with that term should have his balls cut off.
- Isn’t that a little severe? - I hope I don't sound like an asshole. I love your shoes.
- Oh, thanks. - Big news. I have a star interested. Guess who.
- Drew Barrymore? - No. Guess.
- I'm not good with celebrity names. - Guess.
- That Jennifer Love something girl? - No. Guess.
- I'm done guessing. - Matthew McConaughey.
Why would he wanna be involved?
Because he's smart. He's a producer as well, and he really took to the material. We're meeting him tomorrow at 3:00. Hot, hotty, hot. What do you think about that?
Meanwhile back In New York, Charlotte was dealing with a bed that was still cold, coldy, cold.
Trey, honey, come to bed. It's late.
In a minute. I won't be able to sleep until I've entered all these wedding gifts.
Sleep was the last thing Charlotte was hoping Trey would do in bed that night.
I've listed the gifts, who it's from, and the addresses. Make it a breeze when you send out the thank-you notes.
I can't wait till this wedding nonsense is behind us. Then we can relax and just be a regular man and wife.
Wait. Jamesons were crystal candlesticks and Sullivan were silver? Hello there.
You know, since we've been home, I've been feeling so much more relaxed, haven't you?
You've deleted Mr. and Mrs. Handy and their Steuben glass bowl. Hang up.
Trey...We have a problem.
I know. Somehow we've got two serving platters. We only registered for one.
Charlotte walked back to her big Park Avenue bed, wishing she had remembered to register for a sex life.
When visiting LA, there are two things you simply must do: one is rent a fabulous car, two is learn how to drive it.
- You said you had driven a stick. - I did a couple of times in a parking lot.
- Why didn't you get an automatic? - I love this car. It goes with my outfit.
It’s my own personal belief that cars are to Los Angeles what handbags are to New York.
What's with this hill? LA is supposed to be flat.
- Yeah, I think they mean culturally. – The hotel is right there.
Yes, but to get there we have to go up this hill.
That's enough. Stop. I'm not going to die in this tin can. I have a date with a dildo.
- I'm sorry. - OK. Come on, we're gonna do it.
A little while later, freshly showered and freaked out, I drove to the studio for my meeting with Matthew McConaughey.
- Can I help you? – Where is Building five? There aren't any hills in there, are there?
- Go down there, make a left. - Thank you.
I do. I like all of it. I think your writing is brilliant. I really do. It's sharp, edgy, brutal at times. It's always a little juicy. It's very New York. I do like it. I really do.
My God. Thank you, Matthew McConaughey.
You're welcome, Carrie Bradshaw. Here's what I've been thinking about: how do we get your column to translate to the silver screen? I think I've got the answer. Now, what if we flush out the central relationship?
- OK. The central relationship. - Carrie and Mr. Big. I don't see why they couldn't make it work.
I couldn't believe it. I flew 3,000 miles to have Matthew McConaughey ask the same question I've been asking myself for years?
Look at him. He is such a great guy. I don't know anybody any cooler than Mr. Big. The only question is, "What the fuck is Carrie's problem?" What do you think?
Well... I don't particularly think it was just her problem. He had some commitment issues.
That's bullshit, Carrie, and you know it. Cut. Kidding. I'm acting. That's what I do. See what I mean? That's why I wanna develop the story with you. I'm Mr. Big.
Oh, OK. Well. Yeah. That's...
Excellent. You're in. You know what else? I really wanna fuck you, baby.
- Are you acting now? - I'm Big, OK? You be Carrie.
- I am Carrie. - We're animals. Man, woman, walking the earth. We're made of head, heart and loins. We're talking about using them, am I right?
I have...The girl said that we would probably talk about the columns today.
Let's get down to the underbelly of these two characters. Let's figure out why they're so fucked up.
- Well, I have a facial at four. - I love you. I don't understand why we can't be together.
- Do you mind if I smoke? - I don't think you should.
- What? - I don't think Carrie should smoke.
- That's all right. - Or in my office. OK?
After I left the meeting I took a wrong turn and somehow found myself right back where I had started: back in New York, back wondering about Big. I had come to LA for a vacation, hoping to get away from Big, Aidan, and most of all myself. But sitting on the fake set, all my old issues felt more real than ever. I couldn't help but wonder, no matter how far you travel or how much you run from it, can you ever really escape your past?
Ma'am? No smoking.
I'm outside. And it's New York.
In New York, the release of a new book is cause for celebration. Here in LA, a new line of sex toys will do the trick.
- Isn't this fun? - The answer to that would be no. We want to go.
- What? We can't leave yet. They haven't even cut the cock.
What is the chance it's cream-filled?
I am exhausted from McConaughey mania. I just wanna get into bed, go to sleep and pretend this whole day never happened.
Stay a little longer! Garth is gonna autograph some dildos. He's a very big seller.
- He's the John Grisham of penises. - I'm gonna get in line.
I can't believe how open and "Hi, have sex" this place is. In New York sex is so bottom shelf, paper bag.
Exactly. It's all hidden, like me.
What do you mean?
Last night I talked to this cute guy. We were having a great time. Then a woman in a tight dress walked by, with big breasts, just boom, here they are. He totally went for it.
The thing is I wanted to have sex too but it was hidden in my witty banter and my little looks. She just put it out there, sex, and she got the guy.
But how long did she have him?
Who cares? I’m on vacation. I wanna get laid. I admire women who can put it out there where you can see it. Like her.
You want to dress like her?
You know what I mean. Do you think there's any chance she's not up for sex?
No, because she's a hooker.
- Hi. Have we met? - No. I was telling my friend how much I admire what you're wearing.
- Thank you. - Are you in the porn industry?
- God, no. I'm a lawyer for Disney. - See?
There you go. Enjoy.
You made it.
My opinion of Canadian consumers just went up a notch. Sign it, please.
- How shall I sign it? - I don't know. To Samantha, who's staying at the standard, room 324.
- Perfect. I'll deliver it personally. - You're too kind.
That night, Samantha took home the Deluxe Garth. Next door, I learned that not only could I not escape my past, I couldn't escape my present.
What is it about California air? It makes me sleep so well.
It's not the air. Your headboard knocked you unconscious.
- You heard us? - I didn't.
- No, Ms Snore, you wouldn't. - Are you OK?
I'm cranky. I have to take another meeting with McConaughey and his partners. We all are gonna sit around and brainstorm what goes wrong with "Carrie" and all her relationships.
I have to go. They’ll throw me out of here. I'm their little writer monkey.
I've got something to make you feel better.
Dildos before 10:00am. I'm all perked up.
They're autographed. One for each.
My friend went to California, and all I got was this lousy dildo.
Could you please put these back wherever they came from? People are staring.
Please, it’s LA. No one cares if your egg whites have a side of cock.
Wow! Nobody needs this much. You know the average woman is only five inches deep?
Is that written on your placemat or something?
To me the mark of a fine penis is width.
I couldn't agree with you more. That's why I know you'll enjoy your presents.
- Are you saying that Garth has the perfect girth? - Exactly.
As much as I enjoy the fine life-like craftsmanship, I'm going to leave mine with you.
I'm holding on to mine. LA isn't working out exactly the way I had hoped.
Meanwhile, back in New York and still no closer to being in-put by Trey, Charlotte addressed thank you notes. Every time she licked a love stamp, she felt it made a mockery of her marriage.
It's me. It's been days and still nothing. What if he really is impotent?
What kind of impotence do you think it is?
- The kind that makes it soft. - No, no. physical or emotional?
- I don't know. - Have you asked him about it?
He's embarrassed. He doesn't want to talk about it.
Here's how you find out. You put a ring of paper around his sloppy penis while he's asleep. Jesus, I sound like a perverted Nancy Drew.
What does that do?
If it rips overnight, that means he is capable of an erection. The problem is not physical.
- This floor is non-smoking. - I have an addiction, sir.
- A ring of paper. - Yup.
Later that night, Samantha invited Mr. Dildo out for dim sum, and then some.
Samantha, tell me more about yourself. What are your interests?
I think that's pretty obvious.
I'm serious. Don't you wanna know more about me, my interests?
- OK. - I'm a poet. I've been published in journals...
Garth wanted Samantha to know that he was more than just a sex toy. He had a soft side.
Do you want to hear one?
Far away, Charlotte was dealing with Trey's soft side as well. She decided she was going to get some answers. So she came to bed armed with love. She went to sleep hoping her male had sufficient postage to deliver his package into her box.
Back at the hotel, Samantha was waiting for a delivery of her own.
Once again, the leaves bloomed forth some headed south, some headed north.
That's beautiful. Come here.
Blue as a baby bird, Winged and aloft. My eyes search your eyes, for something I've lost.
- Samantha, I was thinking. - You were?
We have this great connection. And I've pretty much done LA. How about I move to New York? I could pursue my two passions, poetry and porn. Wouldn't it be great? We could keep seeing each other.
Having a fling in LA is one thing, but introducing Mr. Dildo to everyone at a gala at the Met was quite another.
I don't think it would work. I know me. I'm much too possessive a woman to share your penis with the world.
Just like that, Samantha escaped a life as Mrs. Dildo. She moved Garth out of her present and into her past. But she took the best part of him with her.
I had finally found a place to escape Miranda's snoring. The ghosts of my relationships past weren't so easy to shake. I had to stay the fact that I hadn't really moved on from Big and Aidan. I'd just moved.
- Excuse me. - I'll put it out, ok?
- No, I was wondering if I could burn one. - Sorry, it was my last one.
- Do you want some company? Are you sure you wanna be alone? - I am.
As soon as I said it out loud, I knew that that was what I wanted...and needed.
The next day Charlotte woke up as excited as a little girl on Christmas morning. She couldn't wait to see if Trey's package was unwrapped.
- Morning, morning, morning. - Good morning. What are you so excited about?
- Nothing. I just love you. - I love you, too.
For the first time in weeks, Charlotte felt relieved. Trey's problem wasn't physical. Then she realized if it wasn't physical, she couldn't escape the fact that it might be emotional. There was no easy love stamp solution to fix that.
I am totally digging this scene. It's so urban cowboy circa 1982.
All the fabulous places in LA and we're at the saddle Ranch Chop House?
Don't complain. It's the closest bar without a hill involved.
This is what I'm talking about. Look at her. She is screaming sex. It's so honest. I wish I could be more like that.
Stop fucking complaining about it. Just do something about it.
OK, which lovely lady is gonna be next?
- I will. - Miranda, no.
- Over here. She will. - No.
We weren't sure if it was the California climate or the five Lone Star beers she drank, but as soon as she got on that bull, Miranda escaped Miranda.
Wow, I can see she really did need a vacation.
The next day, as I pulled up to the studio, I realized, I was the one who held the key to my escape.
I could drive in and have someone tell me the mistakes I'd made in my past, or I could drive on and figure them out myself. So that's what I did. I mean, if I could master a stick shift, could a successful relationship be that far behind?