312. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
For Miranda, the only thing worse than being Charlotte's 34-year-old bridesmaid was being a 34-year-old bridesmaid without a date. With the wedding less than a week away, Miranda fell prey to the siren song of a New York singles event. Multi-dating. $20 bought you seven mini-dates, each eight minutes long which is as long as blind dates should be.
Hi. I'm Miranda Hobbes.
Dwight Owens. Private wealth group at Morgan Stanley lnvestment Management for high net-worth individuals and a couple of pension plans. Like my job, been there five years, divorced, no kids, not religious. I live in New Jersey, speak French and Portuguese. Warton business school. Any of this appealing to you?
Sure. Portuguese, that's impressive.
Obrigado. What about you, Mandy?
Miranda. I'm a lawyer at a mid-sized firm. Actually I was recently made partner.
I'm a lawyer.
I'm a lawyer. I went to Harvard Law School.
- I'm a stewardess. - Really?
But before the wedding bells, there's the rehearsal dinner.
- You said you were a stewardess. - I was testing a theory.
The theory being?
Men are threatened by powerful jobs. They don't want a lawyer. They want a...
I was the liar. I'd finally ended my affair with Big, but the guilt of lying to Aidan was like a hangover I couldn't sleep off.
I'm just saying, as a lawyer, a partner, no less, I got zero dates. As a stewardess, I got one for tomorrow night.
I believe the correct term is "flight attendant".
Not if you wanna get laid.
It doesn’t matter what you say you do. It's how you say it. For example, "I'm in PR". Translation, "l give great head".
- What? - He's actually an OK guy. Harris Bragan, emergency room doctor at NYU.
Yeah, but you see…you can't date the guy now because you lied.
I'd tell him eventually. By the way, if he got upset he'd look completely shallow.
And by the way it would make you look schizo.
Excuse me. I...We...See, mother, I told you I'd become a "we" sooner or later. This is a "we" toast. I'd like to thank everyone for coming to the rehearsal dinner, especially the out-of-towners. My cousin Caleb, who's in the wedding party, came all the way from Edinburgh.
Someone had to bring the real Scotch.
I know what I'll be having later.
But the person I'd really like to thank for showing up is this woman right here. Charlotte, I love you more than words can say. Those who know me know I'm a man of many words. God knows I've tried. All righty, then. Let's eat, drink, and be married.
- She's so damn happy. – Of course she is. She doesn't have to be a bridesmaid.
We got off easy. Let’s not forget the groomsmen have to wear kilts.
I like the idea of men in skirts… easy access.
Is it true that they wear nothing underneath?
I'll find out and get back to you. His name was Caleb, right?
Hi there. I'm Samantha Jones.
Caleb MacDougal, Samantha. Pleasure.
First time in New York City?
Aye, and it's brilliant, like. The architecture, the energy. It is, you know.
Samantha could barely understand him. But if his tongue could do that to his Rs, she wondered what it could do to her.
I'd be happy to show you around town.
That would be great. Trey got lost bringing me back from the Stanhope Hotel, you know.
Samantha wasn't the only one feeling lost.
- I'm thinking I have to tell him. - Tell who?
Aidan. I might have to tell him about things with Big.
Why would you do that?
I don’t know. Maybe because relationships are supposed to be built on trust.
No offence, but I think that ship has sailed.
Carrie, you're right,. You have to tell him, but not before the wedding. It's supposed to be my week.
It's your day. You get a day, not a week.
There's no reason to tell him. Men lie about this stuff all the time.
- And women find out. - What if he finds out?
He’d not found you were fucking Big all over Manhattan. Why should he find out now? But it’s over.
Could you please not use the f-word in Vera Wang?
I gotta tell you, if it’s me and my boyfriend was sleeping with somebody else for three weeks, I'd wanna know about it. I'd wanna have all the information.
That might mean more coming from someone not posing as a stewardess.
What are you talking about?
Nothing, but at your wedding we have to pretend Miranda's a stewardess.
It’s my day. I don't wanna pretend anything. And I don't want you and Aidan fighting.
Don't you think this could be a little shorter?
Samantha, all the skirts have to be the same length.
Really? What about Trey's skirt?
It's a kilt, and it's tradition. Is it so much to ask you not to wear your dress up round your see-you-next-Tuesday?
- My what? - C-U-Next...
Tuesday? Oh, my God. Was that a Schoolhouse Rock I missed?
If I have to be a bridesmaid, I'd at least like to look good.
- You don't have to be a bridesmaid. - Then why the hell am I here?
Frankly, I didn't want you to feel left out. I would love to be left out. I could be in bed with a hot Scot right now.
- Guys. Don't do this. - What? We're just being honest.
Honestly, I hate this color.
I started thinking about honesty. Maybe the whole idea was overrated. Maybe coming clean is the ultimate selfish act, a way to absolve yourself by hurting someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt. I cheated on a test in the fifth grade with two friends. They confessed, got grounded and failed the class. I never told anyone, and it never mattered. In a relationship, is honesty really the best policy?
Evidently, dishonesty was the best policy for Miranda. As a stewardess, she was an extremely charming date.
Once you work first class, you can't ever go back to coach.
- I imagine. - Oh, yeah. No warm cookies in coach.
You get to eat the cookies?
There's always some actress who doesn't want her cookie.
Free travel, cookies, this sounds like a great job.
You've got the great job, a New York ER. Just like “I'm saving lives”.
You are, in the event of an emergency.
Inflatable slide. I'm in charge of that. But the truth is, once we open the slide, it's every man for himself.
That night, Harris got to make love to a stewardess. Miranda didn't have to fake anything.
- Wow. - Yeah, wow.
I'd love to ask you to spend the night, but I've got an early flight to DC. The 5:00am-er.
I should get some rest too. Saturdays at the hospital are non-stop ever since roller blades were invented.
- Do you have a boyfriend in every port? - Every airport.
Seriously. I bet you're a heartbreaker.
In truth, it's a lonely life. In fact there's a wedding I'm in on Sunday.
Later that week, the four of us celebrated Charlotte's last night as a single woman.
I can't believe you're getting married. Is this the beginning? Are you next?
Oh, yeah. I'm headed for a storybook ending. The little curly hair girl had an affair, lied to her boyfriend, and lived happily ever after.
Marriage doesn't guarantee a happy ending, just an ending.
- The end of dating. - All right then.
It's also the end of the possibility that your next great fuck is around the corner.
My next great...
- Yes? - Say it.
...fuck is just around the corner. I finally get to sleep with Trey.
- Excuse me? - You haven't slept with him yet?
Before you buy the car, you take it for a test drive.
I wanted to save myself until we got married.
- Sweetie, you're not a virgin. - I am in this relationship, and I think it's romantic.
It's romantic until he can't figure out where to put it in.
- No. - What if he's terrible?
- He won't be terrible. No. He is an amazing kisser. - Really?
He's so sexy, and he loves me. I want to do things to him that I have never done to anybody. Like the other night, I was thinking of putting whipped cream all over my body.
Low fat cool Whip is the best. It's less sticky than other brands.
- Low fat cool Whip. – I can’t believe you haven't slept with him! It's been...
- Too long! I am so horny. - Horny.
Later those of us not getting married celebrated our singleness with a booty call.
- I'm so glad you called. - As soon as I landed.
As Samantha had a vertical Scotch tasting that turned into a horizontal one…
I had no idea you Yanks were so bloody friendly.
… She had a hard time understanding him, but she understood he was hard.
Later downtown I decided to crawl into bed with Aidan, but he wasn't in his bed.
- Hey, beautiful. What brings you down here? - I was trying to surprise you.
- You can't surprise a man with a dog. - I see that. What are you working on there?
- The wedding gift. - This is for Charlotte and Trey?
You said you wanted to give them a piece of my furniture.
You didn't have to make something. We could’ve just picked a piece.
- I make all that stuff too. - I know, but this is too nice.
I wanted it to mean something.
God, I was about to get them steak knives. What does it mean?
- It's a love seat. - That I get.
It's two different types of wood from two different trees. They blend together and make it stronger, just like...
A mixed drink.
- Kind of like two people in love. - Right, that too.
- Are you gonna make fun of this? - It's really... nicer than anyone deserves.
You see this piece? This big old flaw right here? It's not a flaw, really. It's just the way the wood is. It's interesting. Beautiful.
- Flaws can be good? - Flaws are the best part.
This was the time to tell him. I could feel the words bubbling inside me. But if I told him, could he still love me? I wasn't ready to find out.
There was another booty call that night.
Hi, sweetie kins.
Charlotte York, are you drunk?
Yes. Yes, I am, Trey MacDougal. And today is officially our wedding day. And I can't wait any longer. Could we please make love right now?
- Are you sure? - Oh, yes, I am. Take me to your bedroom now.
All righty then.
- That was unfortunate. - Has this... ever happened to you before?
Every now and then. I just didn't think it would happen with you. It's no big deal. Sometimes intercourse just doesn't do it for me. I can get the sails up, just can't bring it into the harbor.
- Is there anything I can do? - Yes, there is.
- What? - You can marry me.
I'm already doing that.
I love you, Charlotte. Sex is such a small part of it for us. That's what I love about you. It's not just about the sex.
Charlotte couldn't sleep at all that night. Neither could l. All I could think about was that I was a cheater. I cheated and lied in fifth grade, and I was still doing it.
- This isn't gonna work. - What do you mean? Us?
I can't have you sneaking out here, at 3:00 in the morning for a cigarette.
I tried to quit. I just couldn't.
- Well...I'll just have to learn to live with it. - You said you can't date a smoker.
You're not just a smoker. You're a lot of things. I'm not perfect.
Oh, yeah? What's your flaw?
- You tell me. - I don't know.
That was another lie. I knew what his flaw was. It was trusting me with his heart.
- Aidan, I need to tell you something. - What?
But suddenly I couldn't tell him. I was afraid if I did, he'd never look at me that way again. So I didn't.
- I love you. - I love you, too. Let's go back and go to bed.
No, I should get home. My stuff's at home, the stuff for the wedding. I'm the maid of honor. I need to be presentable.
I'll come with you.
No, stay here. Just pick me up in the morning. I'll get my stuff. I have to go.
- Is this wedding black tie? I don't have a tux. - The groom is in a kilt, so I think pretty...
- What happened? - I cut my finger.
It's OK. It happens. You’ve never made breakfast till you've made it at 10,000 feet in turbulence.
It's really bleeding. Look at this.
- I saw it. - What should I do?
- I don't know. - It's deep. Do you think I need stitches?
- I don’t know. Stop putting it in my face. - I think it's really bad, look.
- Stop it. Blood makes me queasy. - But you're a doctor. Aren't you?
- Not really. - What are you then?
Assistant Manager of Athlete's Foot at 81st and Broadway.
- You lied? - I'm sorry. I just always wanted to sleep with a stewardess.
For a brief moment, Miranda considered coming clean. But then they'd both be liars, and he wouldn't have slept with a stewardess and she wouldn’t have been one.
I think you should go. I hope I never have you on one of my flights.
- I wouldn't be on first class. - No, you wouldn't.
I'm running late. Charlotte will never forgive me. I need to...What's that?
- It's the wedding gift. - That love seat packs up nice.
It's a Polaroid. You look too hot to be a bridesmaid. I thought the whole point was to wear a bad dress and be humiliated.
- It's not that kind of wedding. - I thought maybe one day I'd build us a love seat.
- Maybe, we're gonna be late. I'm just gonna grab my... - Come here.
I was supposed to be at the church ten minutes ago.
You never let me hold you anymore. Why do you keep running away?
- I'm not running away. - What are you afraid of?
Aidan, I slept with my ex-boyfriend. You met him at the furniture show. Then we slept together. I didn't tell you, and I'm sorry.
You slept with that guy? When we were going out? Once?
No, more than once. He was married. It was a mess. I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking. It's so so over. And it was wrong. I just hope you can...
- Here. I want to be alone. - What about the wedding?
- Just go without me. I'm gonna take a walk. - Will you meet me there later?
- Please don't bleed on my dress. - I'm trying not to.
- Here we go. - Where is Carrie?
She'll be here.
Charlotte, my grandmother's necklace looks beautiful on you.
- Bunny, could I escort you to your seat? - Excuse me?
He asked if he could escort you to your seat.
Certainly. I guess it's time.
By the way. They do wear something under kilts, but it's easy to get off.
The wedding was complete. Charlotte had something old, something new, something borrowed, and someone Samantha blew.
- Carrie. - I'm sorry I'm so late.
- It's OK. I'm glad you're here. - Jeez, you look perfect.
- Honestly? - Honestly.
- We should go. Come on. - OK.
Despite all her bitching, Samantha actually enjoyed being a bridesmaid.
Miranda, back to being herself, found a last-minute date.
- Carrie. I have to tell you something. - Right now?
- Yeah. Trey can't get it up. - What?
- Last night he couldn't get it up. - Was he drunk?
- No. I was drunk, he was fine. - Then it must have been wedding-night jitters.
He says it happens sometimes.
Since she was already in the big white dress, I reached for a little white lie.
Happens to everybody.
I should have slept with him on the first date.
Maybe he jerked off before you got there, and he was too embarrassed to tell you.
- I do love him. - And he loves you.
Maybe he did jerk off.
If you don't wanna go through this, you don't have to. We'll just get a cab, and everyone will just have to get over it.
- No. I'm getting married. OK, go. - OK.
Carrie! Come here. Don't tell anyone. Go. OK, go.
Charlotte was 34, single, and standing in a $14,000 dress. She was getting married. Not even a low libido could stop her.
- Could you hold this for a second? - Sure.
- Hey, you. - I walked around for about an hour. couldn't bring myself to go in.
- I'm so sorry, Aidan. - I know that.
- I never meant to hurt you. - I know.
But I did. I'm sorry. Couldn’t it be like the wood? That's my flaw, and...and you're the other wood, and that makes us stronger.
It's not that simple, Carrie. I just wish I didn't know about this.
I just wanted to be honest with you. People make mistakes.
I just know myself. This is not the kind of thing I can get over. I just need to be on my own for a while. Me on my own. I really loved you.
- Carrie, they need us for photos. - OK… I told him.
It's hard to find people who will love you no matter what.
Here we go. Smile. Everybody looks beautiful.
I was lucky enough to find three of them.