209. Old Dogs, New Dicks
They say that the women in New York are the most beautiful women in the world.
Which explains why men in New York spend all their time looking at them.
The city is a veritable playground for men's roving eyes.
Unfortunately, they need both of them looking straight ahead to survive.
This New York woman was pretty happy. I was seeing Big again.
Unfortunately, my New York guy was still seeing other women.
If checking out other women is the biggest problem you are having with him, you're lucky.
-If it's so small, he should be able to stop. -You can't change that about a man.
It's part of their genetic code, like farting.
-You're gonna put me off my pretzel. -You have to take Big the way he is.
Once you try to change a man, it's doomed. They won't budge an inch.
I know, but you can subtly manipulate and cajole.
The only things you can work on are their hair and wardrobe.
-But even then, it's a constant battle. -I already like the hair and wardrobe.
Then be happy. Honey, no man is perfect.
I'm not asking for perfection, I'm just looking for slight alterations.
Be careful with alterations. If you pull the wrong thread, everything falls apart.
While Samantha and I discussed the theory of change...
...Miranda was going through it for real.
She had a new apartment, a new boyfriend...
...and a new dating schedule that was killing her.
Hey. I'm sorry. I thought we'd be closing the bar earlier.
-You were asleep. -No, I'm up. Hi. Come on in.
Come here. You okay? Let's see.
-Is that better? -That's better. Thank you.
How was your night?
I don't know. I was asleep.
I'm sorry I was late.
We were gonna close the bar at 2:00.
Then we got this big group of Japanese bankers came in.
And all they want is these big flaming drinks.
Then one of them got sick and....Never mind.
Everything was great about Steve except for one thing.
They had completely opposite schedules.
Steve had all the time in the world in the morning.
Miranda got right up at 7:00. Unfortunately, Steve did, too.
-I have to go to work. -Not yet.
The only thing she liked inside her in the morning...
...was the cup of take-out coffee she drank on the way to the subway.
That night, in a bed across town...
...Charlotte was seeing a lot of Mike, a cute, but feared restaurant critic...
...famous for his patented five-whisk rating system.
Let's make love.
You are a five-whisk woman.
But just when Charlotte had become comfortable with the penis...
...she got a very unexpected surprise.
Uncircumcised. Is that okay?
No. Sure. Of course it is.
It was not okay. The only uncut version of anything Charlotte had ever seen...
...was the original Gone with the Wind.
There was so much skin, it was like a Shar-Pei!
-You've never seen an uncircumcised one? -I'm from Connecticut!
Reminder: you're dating the guy, not the penis.
Aesthetics are important to me.
It's not what it looks like, it's what they can do with it.
I don't need one that can make its own carrying case!
Personally, I love an uncircumcised dick.
It's like a Tootsie Pop. Hard on the outside, with a delicious surprise inside.
I don't like surprises. I like it all out there where I can see it.
Same here. I'm sorry, it is not normal.
Actually, it is. Something like 85% men aren't circumcised.
-Great, now they're taking over the world! -It's a penis, not Godzilla.
If 85% aren't circumcised...
...that means I've only slept with 15% of the population, tops.
You're practically a virgin.
You know, he's a nice, waspy guy. What went wrong?
Maybe his parents were hippies and didn't believe in it.
-I am so circumcising my kids. -I think you can pay people to do that now.
I don't ever wanna know there's a woman out there calling my son a Shar-Pei.
All I'm saying is, uncut men are the best. They try harder.
I should know. I've slept with five of them.
-Out of how many? -Infinity.
That night, Big and I went out to celebrate absolutely nothing.
-More grappa? -No, thank ya.
Listen, my editor called me today and she's....
-You were saying? -Yes, I was.
Excuse me; you can't smoke that in here.
Really? You're absolutely, positively sure about that?
Because I checked the zoning on this particular table...
...and I'm pretty sure this table is in a cigar-friendly zone.
I don't mind, but it's for the other patrons.
You mean if those five patrons don't mind, it's okay with you?
-Sir, I'm gonna have to-- -Just one second.
Excuse me; this is my last day on earth.
I'm being executed tomorrow morning. That's my parole officer there.
Would you mind terribly if I smoked this, ladies?
Excuse me, I'm sorry. Would it be okay if I smoked this?
Please, let me preface this by saying: I'd like to buy everybody a round of drinks.
Apparently, the other patrons aren't bothered at all.
I didn't have the guts to tell Big that he was actually kind of bothering me.
They won't tell you the truth.
No one is gonna say to your face they hate your cigar.
You are very arrogant.
I thought that's what you liked about me.
Maybe Big was right.
Maybe we were at that inevitable point in the relationship...
...when all those little things you loved about the other person become huge liabilities.
And just then, a huge liability walked by.
I hate that cigar.
And you told me right to my face.
New York City is all about change.
New Yorkers change their haircuts, their politics, even their friends in the blink of an eye.
If change was so easy, why was it so hard for Big?
Was I banging my head against the wall, thinking I can get him to stop and notice me?
Did I have to change my expectations or was it possible...Can you change a man?
My husband used to be obsessed with watching sports 24 hours a day.
Then I started fooling around with his best friend.
And now he's obsessed with watching me.
Every girlfriend I've had wants me to change something.
Change your job, change your friends, change your attitude.
The only thing I ever change is girlfriends.
Meanwhile, Charlotte was about to discover that some men can change.
Thanks for dinner. It was great.
Can I come upstairs with you?
I have to get up really early, and my place is just a mess.
Look, I understand.
-You do? -Yeah, what happened the other night.
You're not the first woman to react to it that way. I've gotten it most of my life.
Yeah, and I've decided to do something about it.
I've been uncomfortable for too long, so I'm getting circumcised.
Can you do that?
Yeah. I mean, it hurts. It takes a long time to heal.
But I'm willing to do that. I want to feel good about making love.
That is so sweet.
-Do you mind waiting? -No, not at all.
Apparently, Samantha was wrong. Some men could budge an inch.
In Mike's case, it may have been more like an inch and a half.
The next morning, Miranda was getting her usual wake-up call.
Where you going?
-I'm getting up. -Come on, it's Saturday.
Come on, lay down, slow down. Come here.
How long are we gonna do this?
-You want a time frame for cuddling? -Yeah. Like 20 minutes? 30?
You're kidding me.
It helps if I have an end point in mind. I respond well to limits.
That's your problem, you got too many limits. You gotta let go a little.
Look. Saturday is my free day, right? I have spinning and then I get my dry cleaning.
Then I get my nails done and I do my grocery shopping for the week.
-Okay? -You're not sounding very free to me.
Do you want to come with me and get my dry cleaning? No, I didn't think so.
An hour and a half, tops.
Twelve hours later, Steve went to work.
About the same time, we went out to our favorite bar...
...which on Saturdays changes into drag queen bingo.
Come on, N-23.
I really like him, but this morning thing is killing me.
It’s bad enough we've never done it at night.
After we do it in the morning, he just wants to lie there with me.
Everyone wants a guy who wants to cuddle.
I'm jealous. Big won't even spend the night at my place.
-What you have is real intimacy. -It's bed arrest.
I've been horizontal all day, and I had errands to do. I missed spinning.
You don't have to spin if you're having sex.
-How about N-23? -I don't know why I play this, I never win.
Why do I have to be the one to change my routine?
Maybe because you really like the guy. It wouldn't kill you to slow down a little.
Why is it the woman who always has to change and never the guy?
-Because we are more adaptable. -I love morning sex.
I haven't done morning sex since I was in college when I didn't have class till 11:00.
Maybe you guys should come up with a schedule or something.
A sex schedule? Very romantic!
Surprise him at the bar wearing nothing but a trench coat and a smile.
That would be a happy hour.
I think that if you really believe in the relationship you should work at it.
This from a woman who dumped a guy over foreskin.
Actually, we're still dating.
-The Shar-Pei? -He's getting circumcised.
Please tell me that we're not invited to the Briss.
Can I get another board, please?
It's me, Brad.
Brad was a semi-professional hockey player...
...Samantha had dated a few years back.
Apparently the only thing he was checking these days were his pants at the door.
Look at you, Miss Thing. You look fabulous.
So do you.
-When did you start doing.... -About five years ago, right after you.
Maybe Samantha was wrong. Apparently, she could change a man.
-How are the kids? -Good. Jake is in second grade. Jake has two mommies.
There are other people here who need boards, Samantha.
Take a chill pill, Miss Saigon!
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Gotta go. Enjoy the game.
I am so much prettier than him.
Two hours later, I was supposed to meet Big at his place.
Two and a half hours later, he showed up.
You're a half hour late. Your doorman thinks I'm a hooker.
-Did you make any money? -Not funny. I hate waiting here for you.
There's a coffee shop around the corner you could have waited in.
-You know what? I'm gonna go. -Don't be pissed.
You know, if you gave me a key, I could wait upstairs next time.
Or you can stay at my place sometimes. It's easy to pick my locks.
Yeah, but then I like my bed.
Look at that service. Come on.
That night, something else changed. Neither of us wanted to make love.
If this was all I was ever gonna get out of Big, was it enough for me?
Then at 3:00 a.m., somewhere between sleep and waking...
...I got my answer.
-Damn it! -What?
-Are you all right? -No!
-What the fuck? -My God!
-What the hell was that? -You knocked me out of bed!
-You didn't even know I was here! -I do now. Why don't you break my arm the next time?
-I'm sorry. -Jesus!
All right, Sugar Ray, the bed's all yours.
-Where you going? -To sleep on the couch.
-Wait, would you just let me explain? -Don't talk now. Bad to talk now.
But I couldn't sleep.
And at 4:00 a.m., I decided he couldn't sleep either.
It's ice for your face.
Yes, I can feel that.
Okay, I know I've lost a little of my power here.
I'm pretty sure that most women's magazines...
...would say that what I just did was a very bad idea.
But the thing is, the other night wasn't just about the cigar.
It never is.
I hate that you look at other women.
I hate that I don't have a key to your place. You've never spent the night at my place.
You can't even make space for me in your bed.
And it's not your fault because I never say it.
So now I punched you. So now I have to say it.
So now I'm gonna say it.
I feel like I'm back in your life and nothing has really changed.
I know you can't change a man, and you definitely can't change a man like you.
But...I still want...something to change a little bit...for me.
Physical violence is never the answer.
I'm gonna go.
-Does it hurt? -Yes.
Look, I'm sure there are things you don't like about me.
I'm not falling for that one.
That was one thing I liked about Big. He definitely knew when to shut up.
The next night, Charlotte took Mike out for a post-operative scotch.
Did it hurt?
On a scale of one to five, I'd give it a 72.
-You poor thing. -That's all right.
The worst is over. Now I just accept sympathy and heal.
-For how long? -About another week or so.
-I can't wait. -Me either. God, you really turn me on.
You should go.
Much later that night, bolstered by coffee...
...Miranda decided to perform a 2:00 a.m. seduction.
Look at you! You look great. What's the occasion?
It's 2:00 a.m. and I am still awake.
I thought we could celebrate. I've had five cups of coffee.
That's worth a party.
Meet me in the bedroom. I'll get the wine.
-Get up. -What? I think you should spend the night at your place tonight.
-Why? -Because I'd really like to catch up on my sleep.
I really don't want to worry about having sex with you in the morning...
...and then just Iying there and being late.
-You don't like having sex with me. -No, I do. I love it.
But just once I would like to do it at night, like other normal Homo sapiens.
-Relax, we can have sex now. -We can't have sex now!
I had a window, and it happened half an hour ago!
-You had a window for sex? -I'm sorry, I'm a lawyer. I get tired.
I'm a bartender and I get awfully tired of dealing with other people's neuroses.
When you get, you know...a picture window, or a whole doorway of time...call me.
Miranda had never felt less like a successful lawyer in her life.
Even though she'd won her case, she'd also been left with all the damages.
A week later, Charlotte finally got her chance to break in the new merchandise.
What do you think?
It was like her birthday and Christmas rolled into one.
You realize this makes me a virgin.
I'll be gentle.
That was really wonderful.
It was. A five.
So what do you want to do Saturday night?
Saturday? Did we have plans?
No, but I thought maybe we could go to this drama league benefit...
...or we could, you know, go low-key and stay in and rent videos.
Hang on, listen.
I don't think I'm ready for this to be, you know, like a big thing.
A big thing?
I just feel like I can't be tied down right now.
There's a whole new me happening. I should get out there and share it.
You want to share your penis?
I mean I feel like I owe it to myself to take the doggie out for a walk around the block...you know?
Charlotte never saw Mike again.
She realized you can take the Shar-Pei out of the penis...
...but you could never take the dog out of the man.
A few days later, I realized you could change a man.
You could change him into not calling you.
Hi. Look at that.
No, you look at it. I've seen it already.
Easy, no hands near the face.
I just came over to tell you something.
You're suing me, right?
Look, maybe you need a key to know that I'm crazy about you.
But the thing is, I've given out, like, five keys...
...and you never get’em back.
And maybe I hog my bed. But I mean it's my bed and I like you in it.
-I should hit you more often. -And the oranges.
-What? -The oranges have to go. This is something I don't like about you.
-I hate that you eat oranges in my bed. -You do?
They're sticky and they make the sheets stink.
-That's it? -I like my sheets.
What are you gonna give me for the oranges?
-A negotiation? -Yep.
-This could take a while. -It could.
It looks like I may have to spend the night.
That night, for the first time, Big spent the night at my place.
I realized that neither of us would ever fundamentally change...
...but we were talking about it.
And maybe that was the biggest change of all.
The next day my sheets stunk of cigars. I changed them immediately.
Across town, it was 2:00 a.m. and Miranda was no closer to getting sleep.
Sorry to wake you.
It's okay, I was awake.
Look, I don't wanna bug you. Do me a favor. Go to the window.
Now look up.
Oh my God.
It's amazing, isn’t it? It's a blue moon. It's really rare. I just wanted you to see it.
It was right then, that Miranda finally slowed down and gave into Steve.
Come over when you're done, okay?
That night, Miranda and Steve made love.
And they did it again in the morning.
Miranda was an hour late for work and didn't even notice.
So maybe you can't change a man...
...but once in a blue moon, you can change a woman.