207. The Chicken Dance
There are over seven million people in New York, not including house guests.
Visitors are a vital part of the city's economy.
Most single people in Manhattan do not buy furniture or hang pictures
until facing the arrival of an out-of-towner.
- This is great couch. Where'd it come from? - I have no idea.
Everything in Miranda's new apartment was hand-picked, covered, finished and arranged
by Charlotte's friend Madeline Dunn, an upcoming interior designer.
- I’ve been looking for one of those. - That's very stylish for a pull-out.
I’ll have that end table for you tomorrow.
- This is a sofa bed? - It's what started this whole thing.
l needed a sofa bed for Jeremy.
Now if he sleeps on it while staying in my fabulous apartment,
l may have to throw myself out a window treatment.
Jeremy was an old friend of Miranda's who'd been in London for several years writing for The Economist.
He was coming to New York to scope out the job situation.
Miranda suggested he be her house guest…
…because his emails always entertaining had started to border on flirtatious.
Meanwhile, I had become a frequent house guest of Big's.
Do you have a spare toothbrush I could use?
- A spare toothbrush? - I’ll bring you a new one.
There's only one pink brush head and Big was giving his to me.
lt was the single most encouraging moment so far in our relationship.
The next night when Jeremy arrived, he was even more adorable than Miranda remembered.
- I love your flat. - Thanks. How the hell are you?
Especially when he said...I’m tired of dating. I’m ready to get married.
- Miranda, are you here? - Coming!
- That must be my end table. - My end table's afraid to go out alone.
l hope you like the finish. It's a hair darker than I was thinking.
- Sorry to interrupt. - That's beautiful. Is it Biedermeier?
lnspired by Biedermeier. Good eye!
I’m addicted to ’'Architectural Digest''. Jeremy Fields.
- I’m sorry. This is... - Madeline. Madeline Dunn.
Thanks for bringing that by. We were just about to go out for dinner.
Did you want to join us?
Last week I was doing an interview at a restaurant...
Miranda suddenly found herself in the situation every woman dreams of:
she was on a truly great first date.
''Just be careful not to eat any buckshot!''
Unforunately, it was somebody else's.
l should get Jeremy home. You must be jet-lagged.
Actually, I feel great. I slept on the plane for once.
- Well, I’m pretty beat. - Did you want to go?
No, not if you're...
Go ahead. I can find my way back.
Right, of course we don't have to...
…except I forgot to make a copy of the key.
Jeremy could use my key.
Of course. I gave you a key.
Well, then. Goodnight.
A week later, Miranda threw Jeremy a going-away party.
I’d like to make a toast to my good friend Miranda…
who not only put me up, she threw this soiree in celebration of my departure.
OK, Miranda. I get the hint.
I’d especially like to thank her for introducing me to Madeline…
…an incredible beautiful woman who must be drunk off her ass…
…because she just agreed to marry me!
Apparently the only thing going away was Miranda's dream.
lce. We should get more ice.
Everyone says as soon as you get a place of your own, someone will propose.
I thought it would be to me.
The woman owes you a mortgage payment.
- How is this even possible? They just met. - It's love at first sight.
This isn't love. This is about two people justifying a week of non-stop fucking.
On my furniture. I have to redecorate.
I think it’s encouraging. This means that even if you're not dating anybody…
…you could be engaged in a couple of weeks.
Or you can date someone for a year and be through to get an electric toothbrush head.
I don’t understand why women are so obsessed about getting married?
Married people just want to be single again.
lf you're single, the world is your smorgasbord.
Excuse me. Could you tell me if this is where Jeremy Fields' engagement party is?
It’s the red awning. And it's a going-away party.
- I can take you there if you like. - Were you going? To the party?
I was actually leaving the party because there were no handsome men there,
but maybe the tide is turning.
Oh, I get it. My apartment is going to be lucky for everybody but me.
What apartment isn't lucky for Samantha?
This is all your fault. You introduced me to Madeline.
I could have hired a nice gay decorator and none of this would have happened.
Then Madeline and Jeremy would never have met.
And Jeremy would have fallen in love with me.
It’s not like musical chairs.
Why not me? What am I doing wrong? Am I invisible?
- Can I help you? - I live here!
That night, I needed a little reality check.
I was just at this party and two people who met a week ago announced their engagement.
- And? – I don’t know. Isn’t that a bit shocking?
This is New York, nothing's shocking. We've embraced public urination.
But these people think they're soul mates.
- Did they actually use the term soul mates? - Several times.
I give them three months. What are you wearing?
- Do you believe in love at first sight? - I believe in lust at first sight.
- I’m serious. - So am l. Come on, I need a visual.
I don't know. A top, strapless. Denim.
- Were you asleep when I called? - Yes.
- Sorry. - That's OK. But next time, be at the door...naked.
I started to wonder.
ln a city as cynical as New York, is it still possible to believe in love at first sight?
I’d completely given up on the idea, but now I know…
…that people who don't believe in love at first sight, are people who haven't experienced it.
Love at first sight is for Carmen Electra. It's too flaky for New York.
Here, women want to see a blood test and…
…need an ATM receipt before they give you their number.
How can you believe in love at first sight…
…in a city where people jerk off on you in the subway?
A bride four weeks from her wedding doesn’t have time to meet for coffee…
…so I joined Madeline for a mind-boggling hour in the presence of absolute certainty.
Flowers, flowers everywhere!
I’d like each bridesmaid to carry a different flower. Tulips, irises, lilies, daisles...
Charlotte should have the tulips! Did she mention she's one of my bridesmaids?
Of course. She's thrilled.
We asked Miranda to do the guest books as she introduced us.
You know, Carrie. I’m such a fan of your column.
Is there any way you’d consider writing something to read at our wedding?
- What does she want you to write? - A poem about love.
- I hope you said no. - How do you say no to somebody who wants you to be involved in her wedding?
lf I could answer that I wouldn't be in charge of the guest book.
Why did I agree to this? I write about sex, not love. What do I know about love?
I might have to get married now. That guy I picked up at Miranda's...
lf you're engaged, I am selling the apartment.
That night, we went back to my place.
Tug my hair!
lt all seemed so familiar. She was having a deja fuck.
- What's wrong? - I’ve slept with you before.
- Yeah, like 15 years ago. - Why the hell didn't you say something?
I thought you were playing the sexy stranger game.
- It was kind of a reunion. - I don't understand how you forgot someone you slept with?
Toto. We're not in single digits any more.
It’s not like you shared a cab with this guy. You slept with him.
- Maybe we did it in a cab. - I’d like to forget some men I’ve slept with.
- I keep a list. - How sweet: ’'Men to do today''!
I’m officially out of men to fuck. I have to get married or move.
- That’s lovely! Can I use that in my poem? - It's yours.
- Wait till you see my bridesmaid's dress. - Is it hideous?
No, we got to pick our own. It's this amazing, backless, black satin.
- Pretty sexy for a bridesmaid. – All Madeline said was “it had to be black”.
Honey, calm down.
No, I’ve been tasteful and appropriate at seven other weddings.
It’s always ’'Don't look at me, look at the bride.''
This time people are going to look at me!
For some reason, this whirlwind wedding was creating a great deal of stress…
…for everyone but the bride and groom.
The next night, I made the mistake of telling Big about the poem.
Love, glove, dove. Dove is good. Love is like a dove, or a big fuzzy glove.
Don’t use that. I might have stolen that from a greeting card.
- Thanks. - What? This is fun.
It’s not supposed to be fun. It's somebody's wedding.
- A wedding is serious to some people. – Then ’'shove'' probably won't work.
- When is this wedding? - It doesn't matter. You're not going.
Yes, I am.
I wouldn't miss you reciting ’'love, glove, dove'' in front of all New York for anything.
Things with Big were good. He was actually going with me to a wedding.
Can I just say...wow!
I need a few minutes. Oh, I left the card for you to sign.
I don't need to sign it. They’re your friends.
They’re not my friends. Your name's on the invitation, too.
-Really? - Yes.
lt was my first time to get something other than ’'Carrie Bradshaw and guest''.
How'd they get my name?
I don’t know. I guess Madeline must have asked Charlotte or something.
Whatever if you don't want to sign the card, it's not a big deal.
Would you like to sign the guest book?
At least we get to see who's arriving alone.
Samantha could always be counted on to take life's lemons and make them into Spanish Fly.
Do you know where do they want the gifts?
Excuse me. I’m not the gift person. There is some other ''b'' list friend.
Christ! My rerun's here!
Of course he is here. You met him at the engagement party.
I have to start writing things down. I also have to start drinking heavily.
- lnside, looking bored. - That's my look.
Should I be bothered by the fact that he wouldn't sign the card?
I’m certainly glad I didn't ask him to sign the guest book.
That would have put him over the edge.
Charlotte wasn't kidding about the dress. It was hard not to notice her.
- Look at you! - Oh, my God!
I am so late!
- Are you with the bride or the groom? - Actually, I’m a bridesmaid.
Are you Charlotte? I’m Marin Healey. I’ll be walking you down the aisle.
All her life, Charlotte had imagined doing exactly that with someone exactly like Marin.
I’ll show you where you're supposed to be.
Are you seeing this? I've been here half an hour and that guy never even looked at me!
While Miranda was feeling invisible, I was feeling far too visible.
I’m in the program? I barely know the bride and groom.
- They barely know each other. - I’m between the vows and the fish course.
Am I in there? No, of course not.
- I’d better find Big. - I’m coming with you.
Can you leave the guest book unattended?
It’s a bullshit job. People know what to do with the guest book.
The ceremony was short and sweet, just like the engagement.
...Now please welcome our newly-weds: Mr Jeremy Fields and Mrs Madeline Dunn Fields.
It took her six months to find me an end table and she plans a wedding at the Plaza in four weeks.
Five bucks says your end table lasts longer than her marriage.
People have said a lot of nice things about Jeremy.
I am here to make a rebuttal.
- Seriously I have known Jeremy a long time. - Which is more than the bride can say.
I am very happy for you both. I only hope that some day I can have what you two have:
8,000 little napkins with my name on them.
And, of course, someone to love. Cheers!
And now, we have a very special treat.
One of my favorite writers, Carrie Bradshaw…
…has agreed to share a poem that she wrote for the occasion.
Shit. As I made my way to the microphone, I could only think one thing…
…dead woman walking.
His hello was the end of her endings
Her laugh was their first step down the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever was as simple as her smile
And suddenly it hit me: two people were committing to a life together…
…and I couldn't even get a guy to be on a card with me.
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer was I do
I had no choice but to embrace the moment…
…and tried to pass off my tears as tears of joy for the happy couple.
Can I have the salad dressing?
- I want three or four kids, too. - Where to you stand on dog vs. cat?
You know I think that this should be our song.
Then we should dance to it.
What, are they in the Evelyn Wood plan, too?
Sorry, I had to take a call. Did I miss anything?
You missed my poem and most of the reception.
There's nothing like a slow dance makes you forgive and forget.
Maybe later. I hate to dance while people are eating.
Well, I’ll be at the bar where people are drinking.
Say hello to my date.
- I think I know you from somewhere. - It's very possible we've fucked.
- I think I know you from college. - Then we probably fucked in college.
- Another cosmopolitan, please. - And a Scotch, straight up.
It’s the famous poet, Carrie Bradshaw.
Can we not talk about the poem, please?
It was perfect, except the crying. What was that about?
Big took a call during my poem.
It’s not important to him. Nothing is important to him.
Guess what? The guest book person is also the put-the-gifts-in-the-van person.
Does anybody wanna help me, or should l just go stand out in street…
…and wait for someone else not to see me so l can end it?
I’ll help you. What street do you want to stand in?
If they get married in less than a month, I’m not going.
- Careful. That one's from me. - What are you giving them?
The dancing frogs.
Even while on the verge of breaking the land speed record for relationships…
…Charlotte took her duties as bridesmaid very seriously.
- lsn't it beautiful? - How do we do this exactly?
We just throw some string around and write something funny on the mirror in lipstick.
Some people throw condoms on the bed, but I personally prefer rose petals.
I would love to wake up in rose petals.
It was all so romantic. The bed, the rose petals...the bed.
Technically, it wasn't a third date, but they'd already had dinner and been dancing.
Twenty minutes later, Charlotte worried she'd made a rookie mistake...
…by sleeping with a man she thought she could marry.
- Then something wonderful happened. - I want to introduce you to my parents.
Meeting the parents. Charlotte was back on schedule.
Did you see us? We've been dancing up a storm.
- Would you like a free lesson? - My dad considers himself quite a dancer.
That would be great.
ls she the one?
- You're a beautiful dancer. - Thank you.
- May I cut in? - If you must.
Isn’t he something? He's very smart. He's pretty much my role model.
He used to take me to his office when I was a little kid...
Your father just felt me up.
We were dancing and he put his hand...
Look, my parents have been married for 50 years.
My dad would not cop a feel just because some girl is wearing a slutty dress.
Suddenly it was clear to Charlotte that Marin wasn't going to take her side now…
…or after three or four kids, or ever.
Did the last four and a half hours mean nothing to you?
Darn! We missed the chicken dance.
Excuse me, have you seen my date?
I’m sorry. I had to help Miranda put the gifts into the van.
- So, are you ready to go? - Have they cut the cake yet?
I don't know, but I can tell you how it turns out.
lf you want to go, go.
- What's wrong? - You wouldn't even sign the card.
I’m afraid we don't want the same things.
Things like cake?
I want someone who's going to be with me until the end...of a wedding.
- ok. I’ll stay. - You will?
Single ladies, it's time for the tossing of the bouquet.
- Isn't the bouquet tossed at the end? - Congratulations. You lucked out.
Get us some cake. I want to say goodbye to my friends.
Big and I are leaving. He's crossed his pain threshold and he's carrying me along with him.
One, two, three!
- OK, girls. See you tomorrow. - Night, night.
Let's get your coats.
Some people know they're meant to be together.
I knew I was meant to go home and have cake in bed with Big.
Maybe we're more the fuzzy glove types.