218. Ex and the City
Life is all about making choices.
Some choices, like who you marry, are big...
...while others are even bigger.
What do you think?
The $5 ones that last three days, or the $10 ones that last five days?
-Three days. - $5.
Another choice is how to deal with an ex-boyfriend.
Some women handle it coolly, calmly, while others....
Fuck! Steve. Go!
$5! Come back here!
He just looked so hurt. Like a kid in one of those big-eyed velvet paintings.
I'm sorry, I panicked. What was I gonna do, stand around and chit-chat about the weather?
-The man's been inside me, for god’s sake. -Could I have more Sweet’n Low?
I've never been able to be friends with an ex-boyfriend.
I meet those couples who stay friends and I think, ”How do they do that?”
I've never been able to be friends with any men. Why would I?
Women are for friendships, men are for fucking.
Honey, you gotta learn to form an opinion.
Friendship is the bonus of a relationship. If they don’t want relationship, they don’t get to be friends.
So what? If you don’t make it a couple, you withhold friendship as a punishment?
You make it sound so bad.
Black widow spiders bite the heads off their mates when they’re still with them.
Withholding friendship is letting them off easy.
How can you imagine you guys, instead of the whole awful break-up scene...
...just like you say, ”hey, you, come here”...and chomp their head off.
Believe me. I would love to be one of those people who's all:
“We loved, thank you. You enriched my life. Now, go, prosper.”
But I'm much more: ”We didn't work out, you need to not exist.” What?
It's just so childish. Not you, the whole situation.
I mean, we keep dresses we'll never wear again but we throw away our ex-boyfriends.
I'm not saying that I'm any better.
I haven't been able to be friends with Big, but....
If you loved someone and you break up...where does the love go?
To their next girlfriend.
No. That is a different love.
There is no way the love that I had with Big is same thing he has with Natasha.
Natasha? When'd you stop calling her the Idiot Stick Figure With No Soul?
About three weeks ago when I saw them at Cafe M.
He was holding her hand and smiling and...I finally got it.
They're happy, slash, we're over. It was okay.
-Natasha, what a bullshit name. -Totally.
-Stupid. -Complete bullshit.
Later that night, I got to thinking about the ex factor.
In mathematics, we learned that ”x” stands for the unknown.
“a” plus ”b” equals ”x.”
But what's really unknown is: what plus what equals friendship with an ex?
Is this an unsolvable equation?
Or is it possible to transform a once-passionate love...
...into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf?
I couldn’t help but wonder...can you be friends with an ex?
That Sunday afternoon, Miranda was sitting at home enjoying a biscotti and the paper when...
There it was...her ex's head.
I hear you breathing.
That was a shitty thing you did, running away from me on the street.
I didn't run.
I wasn't expecting to see you…
It really hurt my feelings.
I don't do very well with ex-boyfriends and...
This is me. Steve. I held your head while you were sleeping.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I hadn't seen you in so long and I missed you and then I did that shitty thing.
-It wasn't that shitty. -It was. It was a shitty thing. I'm a shitty person.
-You are not a shitty person. -I am! I am shitty! You'd never do anything that shitty.
How do you call showing up at your apartment in the middle of afternoon and calling you shitty?
Yeah, that was pretty shitty.
You've got a ”bat in the cave.”
I miss you. Whenever something funny happens, I always want to tell you about it.
So tell me. Just ’cause we could make it a couple doesn't mean we can't have a friendly meal, does it?
I guess not.
What are you doing Friday?
I have a date.
Looking forward to it, are you?
As Miranda made plans to have dinner with her last love...
...Charlotte came face to face with the memory of her first...her horse, Taddy.
Charlotte's relationship with Taddy ended sadly...
...when he threw her during a teen equestrian competition...
...causing her to break her collarbone and lose the blue ribbon.
Her father promptly sold Taddy to another family and she hadn't been on a horse since.
Charlotte wondered if it was time to get back in the saddle again.
Meanwhile, across town...Samantha was about to see a stallion of her own.
I gotta tell you, you look amazing.
Excuse me, but do I know you?
Not yet. I was thinking maybe you'd have dinner with me sometime.
What makes you think that?
The way you were just checking me out.
You get 10 points for directness.
Do I also get your phone number?
I'm not sure yet.
I'll tell you what...Here's my business card. You call me.
Blatantly picking a woman up on the street. How'd you get to be so cocky?
I was born that way, I guess.
At least consider meeting me for a friendly little drink.
I'll think about it, Mr. Cocky.
It was later that week, when I spotted a Laura Ashley dress, circa 1988...
...still hanging in my closet...
...that I decided it was time to give my ex a friendly phone call.
I hadn't planned on the Idiot Stick Figure With No Soul answering.
Then, I remembered Big had caller ID.
-Did you just call? –No. Yes, but I didn't get to talk because...
...I accidentally hit the thing...so, you know, it hung up.
So, yes. And I...I heard Natasha, so, apologize to her. How is Natasha?
Great. She's great. How are you?
You sound a little nuts.
Can't you let one go by? This is weird. The first call.
Maybe I'd...do better if I went with my little prepared speech.
You have a speech, do you?
I was wondering what you thought of...
...instead of pretending each other doesn't exist...
...we try to be friends or something?
I'd like that.
I've been meaning to call you, but I didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me--
-Want to have a lunch or something? -Let's have a lunch.
I have a 1:00 reservation. Bradshaw.
I used to make our lunch reservations in Big's name.
But today, I put it in mine, because that's what friends do.
The other party is already here.
Are you hungry? Because I am hungry.
I got up at 6:00, worked out, hardly had any breakfast.
They have a great Cobb salad here. What would you say? Shall we eat?
-Let's eat. -We'll eat.
And that's when I realized, Big was nervous.
It was odd. The new ”friend” part of me felt incredibly compassionate...
...while the old ”girlfriend” part of me felt incredibly smug.
-You okay? -Fine.
You look good.
Thank you, so do you.
The Cobb salad is very good here.
Can I get you something to drink?
A mineral water.
An hour later, I had solved the unsolvable friendship equation.
It seems the answer is this:
Cosmopolitans plus scotch equals friendship with an ex.
And what about your music?
If I had to listen to freaking Blood, Sweat & Tears one more time....
-Blood, Sweat & Tears is great stuff. -10 minutes after we're awake?
Tell me about the girl.
-Really? -Friends talk about their relationships.
Go ahead, friend, tell me about the girl.
-She's very sweet-- -Okay, enough! Don't tell me about the girl. No can do.
Maybe we should make a pact:
We don't talk about our relationships until they get really serious something.
It is serious. We're engaged. I wanted you to hear it from me.
I just got a splitting headache.
I didn't know how to tell you...
-When you called for lunch-- -Engaged?
How can you be engaged? You have a problem with commitment, remember?
In fact, you told me you never wanted to get married again, ever.
You just didn't want to marry me.
-Natasha and I-- -Don't say her name! Don't you dare say her name to me!
You string me along for two years...
...then you marry some 25-year-old girl after only five months?
-I did not string you along. -Fine, that’s right. You didn't string me along.
You know what? I have to go. I have a headache.
-Are you okay? -I'm fine.
Don't help me! Don't you help me!
Carrie, hold on, wait.
What is it?
-Don't end it like this-- -You are the one end it like this. I was trying to be friendly.
This seems like a much better way to end things.
Go. Be engaged, get married to...Nijinsky or whatever her name is. Have a nice life.
Don't worry about me, I'm fine.
These steps are very dangerous.
The next day, I had promised to hold Charlotte's hand while she attempted to go riding.
It turned out, she needed to hold mine as well.
How are you doing?
Aside from the fact that my ex is engaged to a teenager...
...and I've got horseshit on my $300 goddamn shoes...I'm doing okay.
I think you're amazing. I would be in a hospital or something.
What the fuck is his problem?
He's got a stubborn streak.
Some horses never really like to be ridden.
Taddy was like that when I first got him, but once I broke him in, he loved it.
You know what? I broke in Big. I did.
I broke him in and the Idiot Stick Figure With No Soul gets to ride him.
I'm really sorry.
I know you are. Thanks.
Damn! You see, this is what happens.
You try to be friendly with an ex and you wind up knee-deep in shit! Perfect.
Here you go. This is Pal. He's a good boy.
He's brown. Taddy was brown, but he had white spots on his flank.
Just stay till I'm on the horse, then you can go, okay?
I'm here, it's all lovely. Go have fun.
Here you go! Foot in and up you go.
As Charlotte placed her boot in the stirrup...
...all her bad memories of Taddy, broken bones and ribbons flooded over her.
-No, I can't. Let's go. -You just paid.
-I said, I can't! -He's all saddled up.
After a few ”get to know each other” phone calls...
...Samantha took up Mr. Cocky on his offer of a friendly drink.
Turns out, it was a very friendly drink.
I want you to know, I never pick up guys on the street...unless they're very cute.
Get over here, you cutie you.
Before we go any further...I gotta warn you about something.
Warn me about what?
I'm very well-endowed.
No. I'm serious. It's huge. Most women just can't handle it.
I'm not most women. Unzip and get over here.
Samantha suddenly understood what made Mr. Cocky so cocky.
I'm telling you, it was like a wall of flesh coming at me.
Nothing is scarier than a really big one coming at you.
I didn't even want my mouth near it, I was afraid I'd get lockjaw.
It was quite a shock. His hands are relatively tiny.
-Don't tell me you believe that. -Not anymore.
I'm really going to have to psych myself up before I try it again.
You're going to try it again? Why?
-Because it's there. -It's a penis, not Mount Everest.
Let me tell you. If it was Mount Everest...
...Last night I could only make it to Base Camp One.
You dated Mr. Big, I'm dating Mr. Too Big.
You broke up with James because he was too small, this guy is too big.
Who are you, Goldicocks?
Yep. I'm looking for one that's just right.
That night, after a friendly dinner...
...Steve and Miranda began to explore their newfound friendship.
If you were a real friend, you'd let me keep it.
Sorry, it's one of the conditions of our break-up. You gotta give me back my fire department shirt.
-It fits me perfectly. -Tell it to the judge.
Thanks for coming out for dinner.
Thanks for letting me pay, finally.
That's what friends do, isn't it? Goodnight.
That's what friends do, isn't it? I got another question for you.
Do friends kiss...here?
Do friends kiss here?
Do friends kiss...
We had good reasons for breaking up, right?
Yeah. Money, schedules, goals.
Good reasons. What now? Are we still just friends?
Yeah, we're still just friends. Friends who have sex.
And in a bed across town....
After two yoga classes and a hit of the best Hawaiian gold she could find...
...Samantha was ready to take another run at Mount Everest.
Okay, here we go. Nice and easy.
Easy…Easy. Good. Good.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go?
You mean we're not there yet?
-No. -Okay, stop. Whoa, boy. Can we just be friends?
And just like that, Samantha made her very first male friend.
The next day in Central Park, Charlotte was making a new friend as well.
She had decided she and Pal were moving too fast.
Before going any further, they needed to slow down and get to know each other better.
You're a good boy, Pal. Does that feel good?
You like that? My Taddy liked that, too.
I loved my Taddy so much. Oh, good boy.
And with that gentle nudge from her new pal...
...all Charlotte's bad feelings about Taddy lifted...
...and she remembered just how much she had loved his cute white spots.
Easy. Okay. Go, boy, go!
Hey, it's Carrie, I'm shoe shopping.
It's me, are you there? Pick up if you're there. You're not there.
I'm calling to say I feel bad about last week.
I didn't mean for it to happen like that...I thought you needed to know.
I hated the idea someone else might tell you.
Christ. I feel like a real shit. I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry...I would never hurt you deliberately.
I know you wouldn't.
-You're there? -I'm here.
Like I was saying, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have reacted like that. It was such a shock.
I guess it was a shock I needed to hear to move on.
I wish you all the best. I do. I hope you and Natasha will be very happy.
Do you mean that?
No. But I will.
Really. I hope...some day very soon...we can all meet for a drink and be great friends.
Like they do in the movies. Bye.
And I actually managed to hold onto those friendly feelings, until....
I can't believe my ex-boyfriend is 6 blocks away at the Plaza right now...
…having an engagement brunch.
I can’t believe he had the nerve to invite you.
It's my own fault. I had to make the big ”let's be friends” speech.
Who am I kidding? Big and I were never friends, we were something else.
Something that apparently did not end with an engagement party at the PLaza.
-Do we want another round? -What do you think?
Four more, please.
I think I can actually feel them over there eating shrimp.
It's just…why her? I mean really...Why her?
One word: Hubbell.
Oh, my god. Hubbell. It is so Hubbell.
Hubbell! Robert ”Hubbell” Redford in The Way We Were.
I love that movie.
I love, love, love, that movie.
-Never saw it. -Oh, my god!
What are you, an alien? How could you have not seen it the way we were?
Robert Redford is madly in love with Barbara Streisand.
But he can't be with her because she's too complicated...and she has wild, curly hair.
He leaves her and marries this...simple girl with straight hair.
Ladies, I am having an epiphany.
The world is made of two types of women:
The ”simple” girls and the ”Katie” girls.
I'm a ”Katie” girl and where are our drinks?
I always cry at the last scene in that movie...
-...when she sees him in her hotel with his new wife-- -The simple girl.
-And she reaches up-- -And smoothes his hair away.
She says to him: “Your girl is lovely, Hubbell.”
Then the music comes in.
Oh my, God, it's so good.
“Light the corners of my mind
“Misty water-colored memories
“Of the way we were”
Let me do my favorite part.
-”Can it be” -Yes!
“Can it be that it was all so simple then
“Or has time re-written every line?
“If we had the chance to do it all again
I miss James.
After I left my friends, I found myself pulled to the site of the Big engagement party.
I had no intention of going in, but it was on my way home.
I had a choice.
I could run or I could stand and ask him the question...
...that if I didn’t ask, would haunt me the rest of my life.
I thought by the time I got here, I'd know what to say.
You're late. The party's over.
I'll say it is.
I was just on my way home and...I have a question for you.
Why wasn't it me?
-Carrie-- -No, seriously. I really need to hear you say it. Come on, be a friend.
I don't know. It just got so hard...and she's...
Yeah. “Your girl is lovely, Hubbell.”
I don't get it.
And you never did.
Then I had a thought, maybe I didn't break Big.
Maybe the problem was he couldn't break me.
Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed.
Maybe they need to run free until they find someone...just as wild to run with.