108. Three's a Crowd
Once upon a time in a magical land called Manhattan...
a young woman fell in love.
Charlotte and Jack locked eyes at a black-tie benefit for Epstein-Barr.
She chased him through every disease in New York.
They've been officially dating since retinitis pigmentosis.
Jack was perfect for her.
Architect, philanthropist and the sex was amazing.
Late one night, Jack popped the inevitable question.
what are your fantasies?
God, I'd love to own my own gallery...
and maybe a little cottage in Maine.
Actually, I meant more like screwing in an airplane bathroom...
kind of fantasies.
The closest Charlotte had ever come to getting screwed on a plane...
was the time she lost all her luggage on a flight to Palm Beach.
I've always wanted to do it in my parents' bed.
Wild. I like it.
What about you?
You, me and another woman.
Charlotte, you have no idea how sexy you are, do you?
The idea of you touching another woman...
God, it makes me hard just thinking about it.
Jack wants us to do a threesome.
Of course he does. Every guy does.
Threesomes are huge right now. They're the blow job of the '90s.
- What was the blow job of the '80s? - Anal sex.
- Any sex, period. - Don't let him pressure you into it.
It's just this guy's cheap ploy to watch you be a lesbian for a night.
- Don't knock it till you've tried it. - I had a threesome once, I think.
In college. I was drunk. I woke up in someone else's bra.
The only way to do a threesome is to be the guest star.
- The guest star? - Yeah.
The girl the couple gets to come in, screw and leave.
- The pinch hitter. - Exactly.
It's perfect. All the great sex without wondering what it will do to your relationship.
- But you don't have relationships. - Which is why I have great sex.
- I've never done a threesome. - Because you have relationships.
I've never done a threesome.
Of course you haven't. You in a threesome? You won't even wear a thong.
- Jack thinks I'm sexy. - He's buttering you up.
You start thinking you're hot, then he brings up the threesome thing.
Boom! Suddenly you're kissing another woman while he beats off.
Just make sure the other woman isn't a friend.
Use somebody random, somebody you meet in a bar or something.
- That's romantic. - No.
I think I'd feel safer with a friend, with someone I could trust. Like Carrie.
Gee, I'm flattered.
But I'd go with someone who has a little more experience, like Sam.
But there is something sexy about a first-timer like Charlotte.
- Really? - Yeah.
Great. No, forget about me.
- Come on. - I'd do it with you guys.
It's like picking teams for dodgeball all over again.
Was Samantha right?
Were threesomes the new sexual frontier?
No question. Guys were infatuated with threesomes.
And when I started looking, they were everywhere.
After all, our lives are built on threesomes.
Fat, low-fat, nonfat.
First, business, economy. Moe, Larry, Curly.
Maybe we were never meant to do it with only one other person.
Maybe threesomes were the relationship of the future.
Meanwhile, Samantha had been busy guest-starring in a show...
I like to call "Sam Does the Married Guy."
I love that you're not my wife.
I love that, too.
I mean, that thing you do with your hips!
Ruth won't even get on top.
Ken was 37, a wine importer...
unhappily married to a woman who designed modular office furniture.
This affair was the most exciting thing that had happened to him...
since the '94 Montrachet.
Five hours later, Charlotte's night was just beginning.
She and Jack had just had another fantastic date...
dancing for dyslexia.
So, what do you think of her?
- Is she hot? - Jack!
Maybe she's more your taste.
- Stop it. - Have a light?
Sorry, I don't smoke.
That's a shame.
Did you see that? She was flirting with us.
I think she was flirting with you.
You are such a turn on, and you have no idea.
You're giving off this sexual energy all the time.
A vibe like, you've got a fire inside of you.
She'd be crazy not to be into you.
Who knows whether it was her vodka or her vibe...
but Charlotte suddenly did feel a little warm.
I think she put her hand onwork my leg.
Should I ask her to join us?
That night she had an eye-opening experience.
Charlotte hadn't been that excited since she tried on her cheerleading uniform for the first time.
What do you think your dream meant?
I'm in the sand box with Charlotte, Sam and Carrie and they won't play with me.
Please. It's obvious.
Across town, Miranda was dealing with her own nightmare.
I know it's juvenile, but it bothers me. I'm attractive, smart. Right?
Plenty of people should want me for a threesome.
So you're saying you're attracted to your girlfriends.
No! But if your friends won't go down on you, who will?
That's some dream.
It was so real. I can't stop thinking about it.
- And I think I enjoyed it. - That's great.
Dreams are a good way to experiment.
It's like buying a dress and keeping the tags on.
Do you think it means I should do it? Have a threesome?
Jack says that I have a fire inside me.
Tell him they make a cream for that.
It's your call, but don't do it just to make Jack happy.
Maybe it would bring us closer.
Isn't it weird that you're thinking of sleeping with someone you don't know...
to get closer to Jack?
How well do we ever know the people we sleep with?
That was the thing about Charlotte.
Just when you were about to write her off as a Park Avenue Pollyanna...
she'd say something so right on, you'd think she was the Dalai Lama.
Is my hair too shiny today?
And then, she'd say something else. But the bigger question remained.
If Charlotte was actually considering a threesome, who wasn't?
The Village Voice had more ads looking for threesomes...
than it did for small, rat-infested studios running at $1000 a month.
But who actually answered these ads?
Wall Street honcho seeks two horny gal pals...
for an East Hampton fuck-fest at my summer home.
No fatties, please.
Sweet, suburban school teacher seeks two men to fulfill her wildest fantasies.
You be black or hispanic, I'll be on time.
I need your dick now.
X-Files fanatic twosome...
seeks Scully look-alike for abduction fantasy.
Me, gorgeous with big boobs.
You, a couple with class.
Let's experience everything the city has to offer.
I'm into museums, blow jobs, theater...
and golden showers.
I seem to be the only person in New York...
who still believed in the one-on-one relationship.
Mr. Big and I were actually doing sleep-overs.
You better be careful. I could get used to this.
Why is it that putting a tie around a man's neck...
is sometimes even sexier than taking it off?
What are you doing for lunch today?
I could maybe swing an hour between meetings.
No. Sorry, I can't.
- I have to interview someone. - About what?
Threesomes. Ever go to one?
Sure. Who hasn't?
Really. With who?
Suddenly my column was the last thing on my mind.
You were married?
Yeah. I thought I told you.
No, you didn't.
An ex-wife. That's a new twist.
And they had wild sex. Threesomes. We don't have wild sex.
We used to, but now we have sweet sex. Wild always beats out sweet.
- But he's not with her anymore. - Because they stopped having wild sex.
That's why Ken's fucking me.
- His wife won't give him a blow job. - Should that make me feel better?
He's never going to leave his wife for you. They never do.
Thank God. Who needs the trouble? This is ideal. No muss, no fuss.
Sounds like you're selling toilet bowl cleaner.
Does this color turn you on?
You had to hand it to Miranda. She was determined.
It's a little orange.
There's only one thing left to do.
What? Leave him before he leaves me?
You kidding? Check out the ex.
Charlotte was right. We don't really know the people we sleep with.
After all, what did I really know about Mr. Big?
Except he had an ex-wife named Barbara, who, I quickly discovered, worked in publishing.
My plan was simple.
I'd pitch her a steamy, bodice-ripping paperback which she'd probably reject...
but at least I'd get five minutes face-to-face with her.
Come right in. Barbara's ready for you.
Carrie Bradshaw. I am so excited.
Sit down. I'm a huge fan of your work.
Good taste and beautiful. Could it get worse?
Oh. Special Olympics chairwoman.
Sorry. I haven't hung it yet.
So, I'm dying to hear your pitch.
I never knew you were interested in writing children's books.
Well, who doesn't love children's books?
Five minutes of bodice-ripping material out the window.
So I did what any writer would do. I pulled an idea out of my ass.
Well, my story is about a little girl...
named Cathy, Little Cathy.
What makes Little Cathy special?
Well, she's got these magic...
- She has magic cigarettes? - Yes.
Little Cathy and her magic cigarettes.
Whenever she lights up, she can go anywhere in the whole wide world.
Arabia, New Jersey.
I mean, that stuff is gonna be all worked out, of course.
You want to write a children's book about smoking?
It's a children's book for adults.
You are outrageous. I love it.
I thought you might.
I have been dying to do something with an edge. This could be great.
It was the last straw.
She was smart, beautiful, and she got me.
I'd have to kill her.
Meanwhile, Samantha was about to have her own closeencounter with the third kind.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Ken! - Sam!
- You two know each other? - Sure.
Not really. Ruth, this is Sam. Samantha.
She bought pinot noir from me.
- Sam, this is my wife Ruth. - Hi.
Okay, we should be going. See you.
That afternoon was a first for Samantha.
She successfully screwed a guy in under two minutes.
The more Miranda analyzed, the worse her nightmares got.
So, the four of us get into a cab, only they won't let me sit in back with them.
They make me ride in front with the driver, who's the original Chris...
from The Partridge Family.
What I'm hearing is you're still very upset...
about being sexually rejected by your friends.
Let me ask you something.
Would you do a threesome with me?
I think we need to talk about why you're asking me that.
I take that as a no.
That night I thought I could put the whole Barbara thing out of my mind.
After all, Mr. Big was with me now.
Nibbling his ear lobes? How sweet.
Let me show you how it's really done.
So I guess you couldn't avoid a threesome...
because even if you're the only person in the bed...
someone has always been there before you.
What just happened? Where'd you go?
I was preoccupied.
No kidding. About what?
Your ex-wife's breasts, your ex-wife's lips...
your ex-wife's long legs.
You know, I didn't tell you I was married because it was a long time ago.
Alienation of affection followed by divorce.
Let's not talk about the past.
What Mr. Big didn't realize was the past was sleeping right next to me.
The next day, the flesh-and-blood Barbara asked me to lunch.
Hi. Thanks for meeting me.
Thanks for inviting me.
Wow! You changed your hair.
Oh. Well, thanks.
- Listen, I have some not great news. - I'm back with Mr. Big?
The head guys didn't go for Little Cathy. But fuck 'em.
They wouldn't know a good book if it bit them in the ass.
Yeah, fuck 'em.
I still love the project.
And at the risk of sounding like a groupie...
I'd really like it if we could become friends.
Two hours and four chardonnays later, I was sleeping with the enemy.
- So, never been married? - Once. Long time ago.
Really? What happened?
He had a wandering eye. Wandered right over to my best friend.
What about you? Are you seeing anyone?
No one special.
For Samantha, the shit was about to hit the phone.
It's over. I told my wife.
- Who is this? - It's Ken.
Wait. You told Ruth about us?
I'm in love with you. Now we can be together.
No, no, no.
- Hello. - Samantha? This is Ruth Scheer, Ken's wife.
- I found your number in his drawer. - Hang on.
Listen to me. You love your wife.
- No. I'm in love with you. - No, no, no.
Sam's "no muss, no fuss" affair was starting to feel very mussy.
- I'm back. - I don't know who you are...
but Ken and I love each other very much.
Of course you do.
We have an unshakable bond. Whatever it takes, I'll keep this marriage together.
Good for you. Listen, this was a huge mistake.
It didn't mean anything. It was just sex.
And if being sexually adventuresome...
will keep this marriage together, then I am prepared to join you...
Oh, no. no, no, no.
Samantha was a guest star. Series regular was not in her contract.
That night at the Attention Deficit Disorder Masked Ball...
Charlotte felt free to indulge her fantasy.
It's amazing what sequins on a stick can do to free up inhibitions.
Who here is your type?
Do you like peacocks?
Then Charlotte did the unthinkable.
Oh, my God. She winked at me.
I need to get out of here.
Hey, you okay?
Yeah, I think so.
- How'd it feel? - Weird.
Well, I enjoyed it.
- I do have another fantasy. - What's that?
Doing it upstairs at a party.
Can I join you?
She realized that this was her moment.
If she was going to take the plunge, it was now or never.
Unfortunately, it was Jack who plunged first.
Apparently someone else's fire was a little stronger than Charlotte's.
She was not the guest star in this fantasy.
Meanwhile, at a bar downtown--
- Miranda? - Hi.
What a relief.
Most of the women who answered our ad, they were kind of--
Nothing like you.
We've never done anything like this before.
It's a huge fantasy of Mark's.
I offered to do it for his 30th birthday.
Whatever happened to giving a nice pen?
Are you doing anything tonight?
Let me just be clear here. You want to do a threesome with me.
If you're busy, we understand.
I tell you what. Let me just make a quick phone call. Okay?
That night, Miranda finally got her validation.
Her shrink had suggested she come three times a week.
I didn't see Mr. Big for eight days.
- That was a great meal. - Yeah, it was.
Actually, the food was terrible, and we were both talking to each other like strangers.
What is wrong?
Look, you tell me you have an ex-wife.
You tell me you guys had a three-way. Yes, I asked.
You drop this big bomb, and you don't give me any details.
- You didn't tell me why you broke up. - I cheated on her.
- I know. She told me at lunch. - I know you know. She told me she told you.
- She told you? - She told me.
That's another thing. You didn't tell me that you're still talking to her.
I still talk to all my ex-wives.
I'm so not finding that funny.
Oh, come-- Wait a minute.
The reason we had the threesome is because we were both looking...
for something or someone else.
Do you know anyone who's right for me?
Then it was just the two of us.
And I realized the real appeal of the threesome: It was easy.
It's intimacy that's the bitch.