107. The Monogamists
Carrie (v.o.): The island of Manhattan is a cozy village populated by more than seven million fascinating individuals
… who all behave like they own the sidewalk but lately it seemed as if the entire city had been magically reduced to only two people... us. Four-hour conversations flew by in a space of fifteen minutes and a few days apart felt like weeks, I realized that Einstein's law of relativity would have to be amended to include a special set of rules, those to explain the peculiar effects of infatuation.
Carrie and Miranda are in their apartments talking on the phone to each other.
Miranda: Hi, I'm trying to get hold of a Miss Carrie Bradshaw; she used to be a friend of mine.
Carrie: Yeah, good morning.
Miranda: Wait, I think I recognize that voice.
Carrie: God, I can't believe it's been that long, I've been meaning to call you. I've just been…
Miranda: fucking your brains out?
Carrie: Well, yeah, that's the least of it. You know what, I don't think that I have been hit this hard since...nah you know what, I'm not going to compare it to anything else because everything else has always ended.
Miranda: So, will I actually get to see you sometime?
Carrie: Yeah, absolutely, how about tonight?
Miranda: Yeah, tonight'll work.
Carrie: Alright, so I'll call Charlotte and Samantha and see if they're free, ‘cause…Big’s got this dinner thing, so ya’ know, we didn’t have any plans anyway…
Miranda: God, would you listen to yourself?
Carrie: Yeah, I know, I've become one of those women we hate.
Miranda: Yes you have, I can't talk now, I'll call you later ok?
Carrie: All right, bye.
Carrie (v.o.): As I hung up, I realized I'd committed the cardinal sin. I'd forsaken my girlfriends for my new boyfriend.
Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda are in a restaurant. Int.
Carrie (v.o.) That night I faced the tribunal.
Miranda: We really weren't that concerned.
Samantha: Just completely hurt and offended.
Charlotte: Actually, you missed a lot.
Carrie (v.o.): Miranda had worked on a big successful merger…
Samantha was obsessed with the idea of a new apartment…
And Charlotte, Charlotte was practically engaged.
They met the day after I dropped off the edge of the earth…
He's name was Michael Conway, he was from a good New York family and he absolutely adored Charlotte.
Charlotte: I think this might be it, I think this might be the one.
Samantha: We’ve met him, he's perfect.
Miranda: Even his fucking dog is perfect.
Charlotte: But… there's one thing.
Carrie (v.o.): Last night after Michael took Charlotte to the Philharmonic, they went back to his place and began the classic dating ritual …the blowjob tug of war.
Michael: Oh, come on.
Charlotte: not tonight.
Charlotte: Uhm, sometime.
The girls are having lunch at a restaurant int.
Charlotte: The truth is... I hate doing it.
Samantha: Honey, you can't be serious.
Miranda: Are telling us you never perform this act?
Carrie: She'll juggle, she'll spin plates, but she won't give head.
Charlotte: I don’t like putting it in my mouth. I have a very sensitive gag reflex and it makes me want to puke.
Miranda: That's one way to say no.
Charlotte: It's not like I haven't tried… practiced on a banana. I pretended it was a popsicle but … I just don’t like it.
Miranda: Personally, I’m loving it up to the point when the guy wants me to swallow.
Carrie: Well, that’s just really a judgement call.
Samantha: Some men just take it so personally if you don’t.
Miranda: Some guys don't give you a choice.
Carrie: Well, that’s just bad behavior.
Charlotte: Are you honestly telling me you like it?
Carrie: Well, it’s not my favorite thing on the menu but, you know, I’ll order it from time to time. And, with the right guy, it can be nice.
Miranda: Oral sex is like god's gift to women; you can get off without worrying about getting pregnant.
Samantha: Plus, the sense of power is such a turn on. Maybe you’re on your knees but you’ve got him by the balls.
Charlotte: Now, you see, that is the reason that I don’t want to go down this road.
Carrie: Well, sweetheart if you’re going to get all choked up about it…just don’t do it.
Miranda: But if you don't go down on him, how can you expect him to go down on you?
Charlotte: I don’t.
Miranda: Oh well forget it, I only give head to get head.
Samantha: Me too.
Carrie (v.o.): A few hours and a couple of bottles later, vows of friendship renewed, we were almost out the door when…
Samantha: Isn’t that Mr. Big?
Carrie: Yeah, I’m going to go over and say hi.
Miranda: Ditching us now would be in really bad form.
Carrie: I’m not going to ditch you.
Mr. Big: Hey, Carrie, how are you?
Carrie: Good, good I was just out here, with my posse having dinner and …er…I saw you.
Mr. Big: Oh, uhm, Carrie this is Julia Woods.
Mr. Big: Julia, Carrie Bradshaw.
Julia: Pleased to meet you.
Carrie: Can I talk to you for a second?
Mr. Big: Sure.
Carrie: Excuse me.
Carrie pulls Mr. Big away from the table…
Carrie: Are you on a date?
Mr. Big: Sort of.
Carrie: I thought you said you had a business thing tonight.
Mr. Big: I said a dinner thing.
Carrie: Well, she’s stunning and I should know because frankly, she stunned me.
Carrie: Well, uhm, enjoy your dinner.
Mr. Big: Are you ok?
Carrie: Oh, sure, sure. I was just…er…You know I didn't realize you were dating other women.
Mr. Big: Well, not a lot of them. Why don’t we talk about this Saturday?
Carrie: Sure, sure, sure. So uhm then, enjoy your dinner. Oh already said that…enjoy it twice.
Samantha: Here we go.
Carrie meets up with her friends, who hadn’t missed a second of Carrie’s deceiving conversation with Mr. Big. They walk out of the restaurant…
Carrie: I can't believe it, he's seeing other women!
Carrie (v.o.): True, we had never discussed exclusivity. But while for me the idea of seeing another man would be like trying to fit another outfit into an already over-stuffed suitcase, Big was happily dating another woman like it was the most natural thing in the world. Is it that men have an innate aversion to monogamy, or is it more than that? I wondered in a city like New York, with it’s infinite possibilities, has monogamy become too much to expect?
Water boy: I’ve been involved in a monogamous relationship for over a year now. It’s been wonderfully fulfilling. Of course, my definition of monogamy includes sex with prostitutes.
Mid 30’s Lady: The problem with monogamy?… it’s just so incredibly dull!
Mid-30’s guy: My lover and I have a kind of 90’s monogamy. We have sex with other people but we don’t exchange fluids or phone numbers.
Mid 20’s Lady: Monogamy is fabulous it gives you a deep and profound connection to another human being and you don’t have to shave your legs as much.
Businessman: Of course, I’m monogamous. Why, what have you heard?
A Real Estate broker is showing Samantha an apartment, int.
Pamela: This is the c-line. This is the best in the building. Have you ever seen any place like this? Is this to die?
Samantha: It’s nice.
Pamela: Hold this, just a second. Excuse me, excuse me, was someone looking for a view?
Samantha: Oh, Pamela it’s beautiful but it’s a little out of my price range.
Pamela: I know, I know, so sue me. I just love to show the crème de la crème. I will break my ass for you, sweetheart. I just want to ask you for one small favor in return.
Samantha: My first-born?
Pamela: No, sweetheart. I don’t even want my own kids! Promise me that you won’t work with any other broker.
Samantha: Of course.
Carrie (v.o.): Samantha didn’t believe in monogamy, especially when it came to Real Estate agents.
A male real estate agent shows Samantha around a spacious apartment.
Rick: This is a pre-war six. Notice the classic lines, very solidly built.
Carrie (v.o.): Although Pamela had the hottest contacts in town, Rick did have a slight competitive edge. He gave Samantha the opportunity to combine her two greatest loves… Sex and Real Estate.
Carrie and Stanford are talking int. bar.
Carrie (v.o.): That afternoon I dragged my poor, tortured soul out to lunch with Stanford Blach and attempted to stun it senseless with cosmopolitans.
Stanford: Monogamy is on the way out again. It had a brief comeback in the 90’s but as the millennium approaches everyone’s leaving their options open.
Carrie: Come on, you wouldn’t commit to a nice guy given the option?
Stanford: I can’t even commit to a long distance carrier.
Carrie: You know what you are? You’re a whore.
Stanford: I wish that were true.
Jared: Hey, Stanford.
Stanford: Jared, how are you?
Jared: My book just got a kick-ass review at Entertainment Weekly.
Stanford: How marvellous!
Stanford: Oh, Jared, have you met Carrie Bradshaw?
Jared: No, but I’ve read your column. Nice shit.
Jared: You should write about me sometime. My life’s so fucked up right now.
Stanford: Oh Carrie, Jared is the writer of the book ¨Avenue B¨. And New York magazine just named him one of the 30 coolest people under 30 in the city.
Carrie: Wow, what an honor.
Jared: You know, if they were doing the 30 sexiest women under thirty, I’m sure you’d go right to the top of the list.
Carrie: You’re quite the storyteller, aren’t you?
Jared: That’s no lie.
Jared: Listen, the magazine’s having a party tomorrow night at the ¨Bruno¨ I’ll be sure to put your names at the door so, you’ll be there?
Carrie: I’ll do my best.
Jared: Groovy. Ciao.
Carrie is back in her apartment, Int.
Carrie (v.o.): What was happening to me? I used to get a secret rush from men who hit on me during their fifteen minutes of fame, in this case it nearly felt exhausting.
Mr. Big: Hello. Hello
Carrie: Oh, hi.
Mr. Big: I was just calling to confirm tomorrow night. Are we still on?
Carrie: Yeah, of course we are. Why wouldn’t we be?
Carrie (to herself): I was striving for not coming over but I was worried I had just bordered on shrill.
Mr. Big: I’ll pick you up at eight.
Carrie: uhm, yeah, it’s fine.
Mr. Big: I miss you baby.
Carrie: Yeah, me too.
Carrie (v.o.): There were so many questions I wanted him to answer but would not ask. Not tonight at least, no, tonight I would ask Miranda.
Carrie and Miranda are having coffee at an outdoor café.
Carrie: He said, I miss you baby. Do you think that was meant to be some kind of coated ¨mea culpa¨?
Miranda: You mean like, what he really meant was I’ve been a complete idiot please forgive me for having dinner with that other woman.
Carrie: Yeah, exactly.
Miranda: Could be.
Carrie: Oh no, ‘cause that would mean that everything he ever said that I interpreted as sincere, was said to interpretation. In that case what I perceive as his feelings for me may only really be reflected rejections of my feelings for him.
Carrie: Oh god, I’m freaking. I gotta stop.
Skipper: Hey, Carrie.
Skipper: Hey guys, great to see you. What are you up to?
Carrie: Just, hanging.
Skipper: Oh hey, Allison this is Miranda and Carrie. Miranda, Carrie this is Allison.
Allison: Hi, it’s nice to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you. You know, we’re all such great big fans of your column over at Vogue.
Miranda: You work at Vogue?
Allison: Yeah, designer relations. Skipper and I just had the most incredible meal. This darling French Bistro. That I am telling you I lived a year in Paris and never ate so well and cheap. Go quick before the times destroys it with the rain.
Skipper: Anyway, it’s great to see you guys.
Allison: Yeah, great meeting you.
Carrie and Miranda keep on talking as Skipper and Allison walk away.
Miranda: Who was that self-important bitch?
Carrie: I think that was Skipper’s new girlfriend. Well, she seems alright.
Miranda: I didn’t think that was his type.
Carrie: Well, that’s true Miranda you’re his type but you broke up with him, remember?
Miranda: Something looks different, has he been working out?
Skipper and Allison are back in Skipper’s apartment for a night of passion.
Answering machine: Hey, Skipper here…leave me a message.
Miranda (on answering machine): Hi Skipper, it’s Miranda I just want to say it was great running into you today. You look great, did you do something different to your hair?
Skipper: Hello, Miranda. I can’t talk right now.
Miranda: That’s ok. I just wanted to say, maybe, I thought we could have dinner some night.
Miranda: Yeah, I miss you.
Skipper: I’ll call you later.
Allison: Is everything ok?
Skipper: Allison I think you’re great and Uhm…but I gotta be totally honest with you. The woman who I think I love just called and asked me back.
Allison: You’re breaking up with me while you’re still inside of me?
Carrie (v.o.): As Skipper re-dedicated his singular affection for Miranda, Charlotte was receiving her own declaration of monogamy.
Michael: What do you think about not seeing anyone else but each other?
Charlotte: Really? That might be a good idea.
Michael: I think it’s the best idea I’ve ever had in my life.
Charlotte: Well, in that case….absolutely.
Carrie (v.o.): And while Charlotte embraced fidelity and Samantha flaunted her infidelity. I found myself caught somewhere in between.
Carrie: So, whose very part of the apartment.
Mr. Big: Max, he’s an old friend of mine, now remember back in…
Melissa: Hey there stranger.
Mr. Big: Melissa, this is Carrie Bradshaw
Melissa: Hi, love your column, never miss it.
Melissa: I’ve been trying to call you. You still have my passport.
Mr. Big: She’s a friend I once travelled with.
Carrie: Internationally I would imagine.
Mr. Big: Let’s find Max…Hey, Max.
Max: I’m glad you could make it.
Mr. Big: Max, I want you meet someone very special.
Carrie: Actually, it’s Carrie.
Max: Carrie? Well, welcome.
Mr. Big: Carrie writes a fantastic column, it’s called sex and the city.
Max: Well, if you’re looking for material you’re dating the right man.
Mr. Big: Oh, thank you Max.
Carrie: Are we dating? I thought we were just sleeping together.
Mr. Big: Oh. I’m sure tonight, we won’t be doing much of either.
Mr. Big: Carrie. Carrie, you’ve got to be kidding.
Carrie: How many women are you dating?
Mr. Big: In the Tri-State area?
Carrie: Well, let’s see there’s me, Julia, oh, and let’s not forget international Melissa
Mr. Big: I’m not doing this Carrie. Can’t we just enjoy the party?
Carrie: I don’t know.
Mr. Big: Come on, what do you want from me?
Carrie: What do I want from you?
Nothing, I don’t want anything from you.
Carrie (v.o.): I felt like a fool I had gone so far out on a limb with my feelings that I didn’t realize I was standing out there alone. When life gets this confusing, sometimes there’s only one thing to do… Attend a fabulous party.
Carrie: Hey Stanford.
Stanford: Carrie, what a surprise. Where’s uhm…
Carrie: Don’t ask..
Stanford: What happened?
Carrie: He became predictable.
Stanford: How predictable?
Jared: Hey, you made it.
Carrie: Hey, Jared.
Jared: I’ll get you a drink.
Carrie (v.o.): In a room where everyone was gorgeous, cool and under thirty… monogamy suddenly began to seem like a quaint notion.
Skipper: That was like... so great. Don’t you just want to lie like this forever?
Miranda: For a few minutes, anyway.
Skipper: I missed you. I want you to know that that other woman doesn’t mean a thing to me.
Miranda: That’s alright, I don’t mind if you keep seeing her.
Skipper: Oh, god no. I broke up with her the second that you called.
Miranda: Skipper, you didn’t have to do that.
Skipper: Of course I did, I was so happy to hear from you we were still doing it while I was talking to you and I didn’t even realize it.
Miranda: You’re kidding, right?
Skipper: No, I’m not crazy.
Miranda: Yeah, that’s exactly what it is, crazy. Listen, Skipper, I’m not ready for a full-blown relationship thing.
Miranda: I mean…we could see each other and still see other people, right?
Skipper: No, no, we can’t. At least I can’t.
Skipper: Why did you call back anyway?
Miranda: I’m sorry, I thought…
Skipper: I’m not your private stud horse, you know, just Dial-A-Fuck.
Miranda: Come here, come back.
Skipper: I’m tired of being jerked around, I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Carrie (v.o.): While Miranda misjudged the intensity of Skipper’s feelings, Michael left Charlotte no doubt about his.
Michael: You’re amazing. You’ve got everything I’m looking for and I never found before in one woman. Brains, taste, class. And you’re very, very sexy.
Charlotte: Thank you.
Michael: What’s the problem?
Charlotte: I hate doing it.
Michael: You hate giving blowjobs?
Charlotte: It’s not that big of a deal is it?
Michael: Sort of. Can’t you just … do it for me?
Charlotte: Would you really want me to do something that I didn’t want to do?
Michael: You’ll get used to it.
Charlotte: No, I won’t. I never have. Sorry.
Michael: Well, I plan on getting a lot of blow-jobs in the future and I’m hoping that you’re around when I get them.
Charlotte: What’s that supposed to mean?
Michael: It means I’ll have to find them somewhere else.
Charlotte: You’re telling me that you would give up a woman who really cares for you, who would share your hopes and your fears and your dreams, the future possible mother of your children, all for a blowjob?
Michael: You’re right. Will you at least, lick my balls?
Charlotte: Good bye, Michael.
Carrie (v.o.): Michael was upset but butterscotch seemed pleased, she was finally back in her monogamous relationship. Half past midnight in a city that never sleeps, neither did the Real Estate market.
Samantha: It’s beautiful
Rick: Isn’t it? It went off the market at mid-night and you’re the first one to see it. Two bedrooms, pre-war, fireplace and a view. Everything you wanted.
Samantha: I love it, I really love it.
Rick: I knew you would.
Samantha: Let’s celebrate.
Rick and Samantha get comfortable as her former-real estate agent walks into the apartment.
Pamela: Oh, my god. I can’t believe that you were working with another broker.
Samantha: I can’t believe you weren’t gonna show me this apartment.
Carrie (v.o.): 02:00 am and I already have a new man in my life.
Jared: You know the greatest thing about writing a successful book, besides the validation the acclaim? knowing that I’m pumping my ideas to the world.
Carrie: I thought it was the fact that you could behave like an utter asshole and people would find you amusing.
Jared: I’m like in love with you, you know that? I’m like fucking in love with you. Will you go out with me tonight?
Carrie: Give me a minute; I just have to make a call.
Carrie: I just had to let you know that I’m at this very cool party for very cool people under thirty and this very cool novelist wants to take me home.
Mr.Big: What the hell happened to you?
Carrie: His name is Jared, he’s really cute and really successful and he just put his arms around me. Here, say hello, Jared.
Jared: Hello, Jared.
Carrie: That was Jared.
Mr. Big: Carrie, just…get over here.
Carrie: No, you get over here.
Mr. Big: I can’t. I don’t know where you are.
Carrie: I’m at the Lennard Park Café, meet me up front. Your name is not on the list.
Carrie (v.o.): Forty-five minutes later I realized I was alone in a park at 03:00 am and that it was time to call it a night.
Mr.Big: What are you doing back here? you said to meet out front.
Carrie: This is the front.
Mr.Big: This isn’t the front, this is the back, I’ve been waiting out front for thirty goddammn minutes.
Carrie: You see those doors? That’s the front, you were waiting at the street entrance.
Mr. Big: The street entrance is the front entrance.
Carrie: Depending on where you’re coming from.
Mr. Big: Ok, I’m here now, what’s going on?
Carrie: I’ve done the merry-go-round, I’ve been through the revolving door, I feel like I met somebody I can stand still with for a minute and … Don’t you want to stand still with me?
Mr. Big: You drag me out to a park at 03:00 in the morning to ask me if I want to stand still with you?
Carrie (v.o.): In a city of infinite options sometimes there’s no better feeling than knowing you already have one.
Mr. Big hugs Carrie as they watch the stars.