106. Secret Sex
OPEN ON: Photo shoot. Fast music plays in the background and there are sounds of people talking.
Carrie is on the bed, posing, wearing a beige slip dress as flashes flare.
Carrie as voice over: Two weeks ago, I had my pic taken.
It was a promotional photo for my column…
(Carrie covers her face, laughing, still poised on the bed, body laying on one side, one hand on her head, holding it up.)
Male Voice: Good, good.
(Pan to: Carrie in a pink tube top is sitting on a stool, a heavy black curtain for background behind her as flashes and sounds of a camera go off)
…scheduled to run on the side of the bus.
(Quick scene changes. One scene camera shoots her face as she looks into the camera and pans down her body and legs, still in slip dress, as she lays on the bed.)
…I had misgivings…
(Carrie sits on the end of the bed, wrapped in a white towel as her arms are on her sides while her feet kick up and down; Carrie with her laptop;)
…which was somewhat nullified when they told me I can keep the dress.
(Cut to: INT. CARRIE’S APARMENT-STUDY)
(CHARLOTTE gets up from a reclining chair, putting down a magazine she’s been reading and walks to the kitchen where Miranda and Samantha are raiding a cabinet with drinks.)
Friday night, in lieu of any actual social life of their own, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte had all stopped by to live vicariously thru my first official date with Mr. Big.
(Charlotte goes to the refrigerator and picks up a plate of cookies sitting on top of it.)
(Pan to Carrie turning the corner to them, wearing the beige slip dress.)
SAMANTHA: Oh honey, it’s fabulous! Bravooo!
MIRANDA: It’s tits on toes baby but you make it work.
CHARLOTTE: Let’s just say it, it’s the naked dress I mean you’re obviously going to have sex with him tonight.
CARRIE: Come on it’s our first date.
MIRANDA: She’s not going to have sex, she’s just gonna look like sex.
CARRIE: That’s right, I’m just a trailer.
SAMANTHA: Please. (pouring wine to a glass as we see Miranda already drinking some) If it happens, it happens. Bottoms up!
CHARLOTTE: (wearing black rimmed reading glasses) Wait a second…if you’re serious about this guy, you can’t sleep with him on the first date.
SAMANTHA: Oh god.
MIRANDA: (walking away) Here she goes again with the rules.
SAMANTHA: The women who wrote that book, they wrote it because they couldn’t get laid. (Samantha and Miranda settle in on the couch with their drinks while Charlotte and Carrie follow right behind) So they constructed this whole bullshit theory to get women who can get laid feel bad.
CHARLOTTE: (to Carrie) But if you’re serious about a guy then you have to keep him in a holding pattern for at least 5 dates.
CARRIE: Oh, you’ve gone up.
CHARLOTTE: Yes. Because the number of dates that you wait to have sex with a man is directly proportional to your age.
MIRANDA: Forget the math, just don’t screw on the first date and you’re fine.
CARRIE: 3rd date.
CHARLOTTE: Too soon.
SAMANTHA: Reality check. A guy can just as easily dump you if you screw on the first date and if you wait until the 10th.
MIRANDA: When have you ever been on a 10th date.
CHARLOTTE: And by then at least you’re emotionally involved.
SAMANTHA: Exactly. I mean isn’t it better to find out if sex is good right off the bat before anybody’s feelings get hurt?
CHARLOTTE: But it’s okay to have hurt feelings.
MIRANDA: And you always handle those so well.
CARRIE: Well there is something to be said for being straight.
SAMANTHA: Since when did you become such a Victorian.
CHARLOTTE: The Victorians were on to something. They valued romance.
MIRANDA: True romance cannot exist without good sex.
SAMANTHA: Yet, you can have good sex with someone you don’t like or respect or even remember.
CARRIE: Alright, well, ladies I’m going out for dinner. (Carrie puts her empty glass on the table.) Good night.
CHARLOTTE: Have fun.
CARRIE: (excitedly) Bye!
(After she closes the door and is walking down the hall)
CARRIE: The truth is, I was dying to sleep with him. But isn’t delayed gratification the definition of maturity? (eyebrow lifts)
(CUT TO: NY street, Nighttime. A taxi and cars are parked on the side. Sounds of moving vehicles. Though the sidewalk is dimly lit, we see a man next to a car. He looks like he may be well dressed, wearing a suit.
(Pan to: Carrie in slip dress, long fur coat, walking towards him in high heels, smiling, holding a thin purse. They come face to face.)
MR. BIG: Interesting dress.
MR. BIG: Interesting dress… (he grins, opening the limo’s back door for her, she goes in. He follows and checks out her bare legs.) Don’t worry, I am perfectly capable of restraining myself.
CARRIE: So am I.
(their eyes meet, voila! Passion erupts! They kiss and make out.)
(CUT TO: BEDROOM. We see legs, feet, and arms moving the rest of their bodies, hidden behind a bed.)
CARRIE: (voice over) I can’t be hemmed in by rules I go with my emotions. I mean some of the greatest romances of all time began with sex on the first date…I bet. (Pan over the bed, to the couple on the floor. Mr. Big is lying on his back, eyes closed with Carrie with her arms on his chest as she kisses his body.) I will not be the first one to speak and if he never calls me again I’ll think of him fondly, as an asshole.
CARRIE: That was really and completely…on the first date. I mean, I didn’t plan that you know. What do you think?
MR. BIG: Well…ahh. (He pulls his arm from under her.) I thought it was really pretty great but what do I know. You feel like having some sachwan?
(They look at each other)
(Cut to: INT Chinese Restaurant) Pan from the back of the cook to the plate of beans and vegetables, through the food counter, an Asian waiter in uniform who takes a plate of noodles towards a table where yards from him, we see Carrie and Mr. Big enter.
CARRIE: (voice over) Has Mr. Big discovered my weakness for great sex & greasy Chinese. Or was going out to dinner merely a diversionary tactic to keep me from spending the night. (they remove their jackets and hang them on their seats when Carrie spots someone) Before I was able to completely indulge my paranoia, it was my pal Mike Singer. We’ve known each other for 10 yrs. But never had sex because we want to know each other for another 10 years.
MIKE: Carr—what are you doing here?
CARRIE: Well, I’m along with a—
MIKE: You look great.
CARRIE: Not too naked? (Carrie looks at Mike’s date but he doesn’t seem to want to introduce them)
MIKE: Just naked enough.
CARRIE: (to Mike’s date) Hi, I’m Carrie Bradshaw, I’m an old friend of Mike’s.
(they shake hands)
LIBBY: I’m Libby Viomic. It’s so nice to finally meet you.
MIKE: So I’ll call you.
CARRIE: Okay, great, have a good dinner. (she smiles, nodding to Libby) Nice to meet you.
(voice over) I left the table wondering why Mike didn’t want to introduce me to his date.
Scene 4 At a Kickboxing class. Women in boxing mitts, hit punching bags. Instructor’s voice in the background.
CARRIE: That very same night something absolutely amazing happened to Miranda. (Miranda’s practicing kicking the punch bag, held by a classmate when she accidentally kicks him on the face)
MIRANDA: Oh my god! Oh my god! I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to… (she drops to the guy holding his eye)
CARRIE: (voice over) She met someone at gym class.
(After class, Miranda’s walking down the street with the classmate.)
MIRANDA: Are you sure you’re okay?
TED: I’m fine. So what exactly about my head pissed you off?
MIRANDA: I wish there was something I could do.
TED: Well you can buy me dinner sometime and a CAT scan.
CARRIE: (voice over) His name was Ted Baker. He was 32 years old, a sports doctor with an apartment overlooking the Natural History Museum. 3 prior serious relationships, none resulting in marriage.
(she kisses him on the forehead)
MIRANDA: Kiss to make it better. (she kisses him on the forehead)
TED: So, really, can I call you sometime?
(EXT: PARK, leaves have fallen off of trees. Carrie’s wearing a blue scarf and brown jacket while Miranda has a white shirt and dark blue blazer on)
MIRANDA: He left a message on my machine when I got home. He wants to go out this week.
CARRIE: Hey, that’s fantastic.
MIRANDA: Well, it’s too quick. I think maybe that kick in his head scrambled his brain.
CARRIE: What’s too quick is sleeping with him on the first date. That’s too quick.
MIRANDA: You both got excited and you went for it. Stop blaming yourself.
CARRIE: No, I don’t blame myself, I blame the dress, the dress. The dress led me on, it had a life of its own. Then we went to this Chinese Restaurant afterwards and you’ll never guess who I ran into.
CARRIE: Ted, out on a date.
MIRANDA: The whole world’s in love.
CARRIE: I’m not sure. I don’t know. He was acting very weird like he didn’t want me to meet her or something.
MIRANDA: What’s her name?
(INT: BED BATH AND BEYOND. Pan from shoppers looking at products to Carrie and Mike are flopped on pillows)
CARRIE: (voice over) Her name was Livvy Biollock. Mike told me everything that afternoon while I helped him pick out sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond.
CARRIE: So how long have you been seeing her?
CARRIE: Is this a painful topic?
MIKE:No, it’s just that she’s not someone I date openly.
CARRIE: Why is she married? Is she a cousin?
MIKE: No, look, the thing is she’s smart, incredibly sweet…sex is great.
She’s just not the one I see my self with.
CARRIE: Why not?
(voice over) It was about 6 months ago. Mike had been dumped by Fiona Mavreck, a cellist from the Phil Harmonic who he was trying to forget as quickly as possible.
(Pan thru small food store) They had both loved to cook and shopping was a Saturday morning ritual so he was feeling particularly vulnerable when…
LIVVY: (Holding a big chunk of cheese) Care to try some cheese from the Taorolian Alps?
(Livvy gives him a sample, Ted tastes it)
MIKE: Hmmm, it’s good.
LIVVY: It’s made by monks. Taorists monks. Geppos cheese from the Napa Valley. (she smiles and gives him another sample)
MIKE: It’s delicious.
LIVVY: It’s a triple cream from France. (she smiles and tastes her finger)
(CUT TO: Libby and Mike kissing with passion as they enter an apartment)
CARRIE: (voice over) Mike found himself very uninhibited.
(They kiss to the living room, moaning as they go. He tears open her red top. She pulls his pants down, revealing blue boxers, they fall on the bed, getting it on) Since he didn’t think Libby was that gorgeous there wasn’t any pressure. (Mike and Livvy are on the sofa naked, only a small throw and some fabric covering them.) The next morning, he woke up and felt at ease, very relaxed.
MIKE: I’m a creative director at that agency but eventually, I’d love to have my own shop.
LIVVY: I’d love to have my own shop too. Well, cheese shop I mean.
MIKE: She was one of the only women he’d ever met whom he felt he could just be with.
(Back to the Bath and Body, Carrie’s still lying on the pillows with Mike)
CARRIE: So what’s the problem?
MIKE: Look, she’s not beautiful. And we don’t have a lot in common. You know, most of her friends are in dairy. Well, she’s warm and unpretentious and…she’s the best sex I’ve ever had in my life.
CARRIE: What are you afraid of? What other people are going to think?
MIKE: Look, all I know is that she’s not the right woman for me in the larger sense. So I keep her a secret.
CARRIE: (voice over) I couldn’t decide whether Mike was being shallow or honest. But the question nagged me for days.
(INT: CARRIE’S APARTMENT) Carrie typing on computer
(voice over) How many of us out there are having great sex with people we’re ashamed to introduce to our friends?
(CUT TO: INT CARRIE’S APARTMENT. Samantha has a drink in her hand.)
SAMANTHA: Did I ever have fabulous sex with someone I didn’t to admit to hmmm…did I ever tell you about that jazz musician who lived with his mother in Queens?
CARRIE: Yeah—Allan. (she’s looking thru books and papers)
SAMANTHA: What about the window washer?
CARRIE: He doesn’t wear underwear?
SAMANTHA: I met this gorgeous kid in Spy Bar last year…
CARRIE: He turned out to be in HS.
(voice over) Evidently, Samantha has had lots of sex. None of which was secret.
SAMANTHA: Fine, it just proves that I’m not ashamed of anyone whom I’ve slept with.
CARRIE: Okay, here it is (Carrie holds up a poster, rolls it onto the wall where Samantha helps her tack it on)
SAMANTHA: Aw, you look—
CARRIE: Naked. (voice over) There it was, the dress that down the garden path with Mr. Big. Should I be embarrassed?
SAMANTHA: No, you look fabulous. Besides, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.
SAMANTHA: Yeah, you would say that. You’re a publicist.
SAMANTHA: We need to go some place absolutely fabulous where we can toast you when the bus comes by and you can invite Mr. Big.
CARRIE: No, no, I don’t think so. I haven’t heard from him since we spent the night together.
SAMANTHA: Oh sweetie, forget about him. You are going to be on the side of a bus. 10 million men are going to be drooling over you every morning on their way to work. It’s the best personal ad I’ve ever seen in my life.
CARRIE: (voice over) Samantha had a particular knack for turning a desperate situation to a hopeless one.
SAMANTHA: Oh, speaking of secret sex, did Charlotte ever tell you about the rabbi?
CARRIE: The rabbi?
(CUT TO: INT: ART GALLERY. Carrie and Samantha are talking to Charlotte)
CHARLOTTE: Excuse me?
SAMANTHA: Oh, you know what we’re talking about—
CHARLOTTE: I cannot believe that the two of you came here to interrogate me at work.
CARRIE: I’m sorry, it’s my fault.
CHARLOTTE: Anyway, he wasn’t a rabbi, he was a hessidic folklorist from Brooklyn.
SAMANTHA: Close enough.
(CUT TO: EXT: STREET OF BROOKLYN, People in Jewish garb are walking, we see Charlotte asking for directions)
Evidently, Charlotte had seen Smidt’s work at Hampton and scheduled an appointment to meet him at his studio.
(Cut’s to Charlotte walking down stair case of an art studio with Smidt)
CHARLOTTE: These are outstanding. So much life. You have a beautiful way with light.
SMIDT: Thank you.
CHARLOTTE: (she walks over to a huge painting) Now this one’s really special.
SMIDT: That’s my Shiva. I wanted to capture the exuberance of youth.
CARRIE: (voice over) Charlotte quickly became intoxicated by his talent, his strangeness and the smell of his wool.
(they kiss, make out)
CARRIE: (voice over) It was so sexy. So perfect. Daddy’s little episcopelian princess in the arms of one of God’s chosen people.
(CUT TO: INT OF ART GALLERY)
CHARLOTTE: It’s all about art and Sex and the Tora.
CARRIE: Well, why didn’t you introduce him to anyone?
CHARLOTTE: I was embarrassed. I mean I couldn’t really date him. He couldn’t date me. I mean what would people think.
SAMANTHA: If the sex is good, who cares what anybody else thinks?
CHARLOTTE: Now you, do not put this in your column, promise.
CARRIE: I promise.
(voice over) Was good sex the ultimate form of intimacy since it existed in a pure state exempt from the judgment of the world or is it just another way in which we deny our feelings and emotionally compartmentalize our lives?
(phone rings, Mr. Big)
MR. BIG: You miss me yet?
CARRIE: Who is this?
MR. BIG: How have you been?
CARRIE: Oh, great. Fabulous, fantastic and you?
MR. BIG: Well, on the risk of sounding trite, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.
CARRIE: I adore trite.
MR. BIG: Listen, we should have a real first date. You know the true American type, dinner and a movie? Of course, knowing us, we’ll skip the movie.
CARRIE: Just as long as we don’t skip dinner. What a relief. I had just escaped the sex on the first date curse.
(CUT TO: EXT: NY STREET) Carrie is walking streets with Mr. Big
CARRIE: That weekend I was out with a man whose name I wanted to shout from the roof tops.
MR. BIG: (He’s got his arm around her as they walk) Let me get this straight, your picture is going to be on a bus.
CARRIE: That’s right.
MR. BIG: A cross town bus or downtown bus?
CARRIE: The M2, goes right down 5th.
MR. BIG: That’s a good line.
CARRIE: I’m getting together a group of my friends tomorrow to watch them arrive maybe if you weren’t doing anything…
(A man comes out of his store with his hand out to Mr. Big) Hey, how are you?
MR. BIG: Hey (Mr. Big shakes hand with man with wife) How are you?
MAN: Good to see you. You remember Phillis.
MR. BIG: Of course, Phillis, how are you?
MAN: Everything good?
MR. BIG: Yeah, everything’s dandy.
MAN: That’s what I hear. So umm—good to see you.
MR. BIG: Good to see you again.
MAN AND PHILLIS: Ba bye, cheers.
(Carrie and Mr. Big starts walking again)
CARRIE: Who was that?
MR. BIG: Oh just some guy I skied with in Aspen.
CARRIE: (voice over) I didn’t understand, had I suddenly become the invisible woman? I tried not to let it bother me. I also tried not to let it bother me that he took me back to Fung Hoa, scene of our post coital dinner.
MR. BIG: Oh I-I can’t make it to your party tomorrow.
CARRIE: Oh no, I wanted to introduce you to my friends.
MR. BIG: Well, I’ll be home later if you miss me.
CARRIE: (voice over) As I surveyed the room, I realized it smelled like a cheap date you don’t want anyone to meet. I told Mr. Big I was on a deadline and I had to get home.
(Mike in home office, phone call from Carrie in her kitchen)
CARRIE: Listen, I have a question of all the restaurants in Manhattan why did you take Libby to Fung Hoa?
MIKE: Well, it’s pretty obscure. Not much of a chance of running into anybody I know.
CARRIE: So you mean, it’s a kind of a place where men take women they don’t want to be seen with in public?
MIKE: Yes, it’s perfect for that. Ohhh, sorry.
CARRIE: (voice over) The evidence was mounting. Was it possible that I have become Mr. Big ’s secret sex girl?
(CUT TO: INT: BEAUTIFUL APARTMENT. Miranda’s in bed as Ted steps down stairs and walks towards her)
The next morning, Miranda discovered a shocking sex secret of her own. She had just spent a wonderful night with Ted who had to leave early in the morning to catch a flight to DC for a spinal conference.
MIRANDA: I can go home, it’s no big deal.
TED: No, no stay, it’s 6AM. (they kissed) Be back tonight. Wanna do something?
MIRANDA: I’d love to.
TED: I’ll call you tomorrow.
MIRANDA: Have a good flight.
CARRIE: (voice over) Miranda waited for the deadbolt to drop and then used the opportunity to ransack Ted’s apartment and look for pictures of old girlfriends. She was not at all prepared for what she found.
(CUT TO: INT: BEDROOM WATCHING VIDEO. Miranda and Carrie watching Spanked video on TV)
MIRANDA: I don’t know what to do. I can’t admit to having found this but now I don’t know if I want to see him again.
CARRIE: How can you judge him ‘til you spank him? I’m only kidding.
MIRANDA: But obviously this is what he’s into.
CARRIE: Maybe it’s just his fantasy life.
(CUT TO: EXT: NY STREET, Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha are in different colored party hats. Samantha is pouring each woman champagne)
CARRIE: Late that day, the creative NY gathered to toast the maiden voyage of my bus.
SAMANTHA: Where’s Mr. Big?
CARRIE: Couldn’t make it.
CHARLOTTE: What do you mean he couldn’t make it?
CARRIE: I don’t know it’s a work day.
CHARLOTTE: Oh, but this is your bus party. Oh…I told you you shouldn’t have, well never mind.
CARRIE: What, he’s not here because I slept with him on the first date?
CHARLOTTE: Basically yes. When you sleep with a man on the first date otherwise it won ’t be anything more than just sex.
CARRIE: Uh-huh. Cheers (toasted champagne) I didn’t want to admit that she was right.
(a bus is driving up)
SAMANTHA: Ah, here it comes!
CARRIE: (voice over) I just wanted to see my bus and get the hell out of there.
(But it wasn’t the bus)
MIKE: Did I miss it?
CARRIE: No, hey, I thought you were going to bring Libby?
MIKE: Oh yeah, I finally asked her to go out with me in public, she turned me down.
MIKE: She told me she met somebody else who doesn’t have my problems with intimacy.
CARRIE: Oh, I’m sorry.
SAMANTHA: Ah, quiet…(a bus comes) Here you come! (they gasp, the picture had a mustache drawn on)
SAMANTHA: Oh don’t worry sweetie, don’t worry. Nobody in NY notices a bus until it’s about to hit them.
CHARLOTTE: That’s right.
(CUT TO: EXT: Miranda and Ted coming out of restaurant)
CARRIE: (voice over) Meanwhile, Miranda spent another wonderful evening with Ted and began to reevaluate her options.
MIRANDA: That was one of the most amazing meals I have ever had.
TED: My pleasure. You know, I missed you today. (he’s holding her hand)
MIRANDA: You did?
TED: I guess I’ve just been waiting all this time for a good kick in the head.
MIRANDA: And here I thought that all you really needed was a good spanking.
TED: Excuse me? (he pulls away and looks at her surprised)
MIRANDA: You heard me.
TED: Oh. (he walks away from Miranda)
CARRIE: (voice over) Ted didn’t take Miranda home that night. He never took her calls or returned her messages. And she never saw him at the gym again.
(CUT TO: INT: Carrie on to Mr. Big’s apartment)
CARRIE: (voice over) Very late that night fueled by a massive quantity of champagne I decided to say good bye to Mr. Big. (she knocks on door, he opens it, looking like he’s been sleeping)
CARRIE: I just came here to tell you that if you’re embarrassed or ashamed to be involved with me in any way then we can no longer see each other.
(voice over) The truth is I blame myself. I wore the naked dress on our first date. I slept with him too fast. And now I’m on a 5th Ave bus with a mustache on my face.
MR. BIG: What are you talking about?
CARRIE: You don’t introduce me to your friends. (she goes to his bar and gets a drink in a martini glass)You bring me back to that restaurant where men take women they don’t want to be seen with. You won’t come out and meet my friends. You have me in a niche for certain events, certain restaurants, certain people like I’m only a particular fragment of the kind of person that you think you should be dating.
MR. BIG: But I’ve only gotten to know a particular fragment. Although I’m beginning to know more.
CARRIE: Well, this is not me. This is me (she flings her arm, spilling her drink) reacting to your perception of me.
MR. BIG: Oh, okay. Well, I think Fung Hoa is the best Chinese food in the city so that’s why we went there. And uh, oh, the guy we met in the street, and I couldn’t remember his name—which probably means I have altzeimers so that’s what that was about. And this afternoon I had courtside tickets to the Knicks and that’s all, folks. (Mr. BIG drinks from martini glass)
CARRIE: (voice over) I should have been jumping for joy, but I only felt a hard knot of fear.
CARRIE: So, you and me, then maybe this is for real?
MR. BIG: (Mr. B pulls her in.) Could be. (They kiss. Mr. B picks her up and pulls her to the bedroom)