110. The Baby Shower
Let's be honest.
Sometimes there is nothing harder in life than being happy for somebody else.
Like lottery winners or extremely successful people who are 27.
Then there's that hell on Earth...
that only your closest friends can inflict on you--
the baby shower.
You could not drag me to that thing if you put a grappling hook in my mouth.
Frankly, I think it's sad, the way she's using a child to validate her existence.
Exactly. Why can't she just use sex and a nice cocktail like the rest of us?
I'm happy for her... I am.
If I see another crepe paper stork, I'm gonna rip its cardboard beak off.
Can I ask you, would any baby shower bother you...
or is this one worse because it's Laney's?
Laney Berlin. You can't really describe her.
You just had to know her.
Chances are eight years ago you probably did.
So help me, she fucks on my couch, she buys it.
Isn't that how you got the couch from me?
Laney, show us your tits!
Give it a rest! You guys have seen enough of my tits.
Tits! Tits! Tits!
Laney did A&R for a record label...
or, as she used to call it, sex with an expense account.
Every time she went on a scouting trip, she came back with some hot new group...
and a gynecological condition no one had ever heard of.
Those things make so many public appearances, they need a booking agent.
Look at her, the poster girl for low self-esteem.
I have low self-esteem, but I express it the healthy way--
by eating a box of Double Stuff Oreos.
She's so sad.
Take it off!
Samantha and Laney had a long-standing rivalry.
Both wild, both sexy...
both incredibly insecure.
Two years ago, Laney did the most shocking thing of all.
She met a Wall Street investment banker, married him...
and moved to Connecticut.
That wasn't supposed to happen.
She was supposed to have sex with Sid Vicious and move to heroin.
Come on, guys. It'll be fun. We've never even been to visit her in Connecticut.
Exactly. There's a reason for that.
- Lyme disease? - That's another good one.
- But, it's a baby shower. - No, it's a cult.
- A cult? What are you talking about? - Listen to me.
They all think the same, dress the same...
and sacrifice themselves to the same cause-- babies.
Hey, I've lost two sisters to the motherhood. I know what I'm talking about.
I think we should go. It's the right thing to do.
Give me one good reason.
Okay. You're driving down the road. You see a sign.
It says "two-headed snake." You pull over.
Wild Laney is having a baby shower. You pull over.
She's got a point. It's the right thing to do.
Just imagine how fat she must be.
As I penciled in the date, I noticed something missing.
In between the Versace show and dinner at Moomba...
there it wasn't--
my period, four days late.
That Saturday, also known as "Seven Days Late"...
four city girls set off to visit the country mice.
Are we there yet?
I've already had two of these, so we're gonna be stopping a lot.
Hey, nice outfit. Is there gonna be some belly dancing at the shower?
Right after the gifts.
Oh, shit! I totally spaced. I forgot to buy her a present.
How tacky is it to give the mother-to-be a fistful of cash?
Don't worry about it. You can go in on mine.
You bought a pregnant woman a bottle of Scotch?
The invitation said BYOB.
That meant "bring your own baby."
- What did you get her? - Condoms.
- Seriously, what did you get her? - Seriously. They're pastel.
Hey, guys! Wait, wait!
Hey, guys, wait for me!
Oh, my God! Look at the size of that thing.
- We could drive that to Connecticut. - I'm putting my name on that card.
All right. Go, go, go, go.
Does anybody know how to drive?
As I turned the midsize coupe onto Hollyhock Lane...
I was struck by how a place so filled with nature...
could look so unnatural.
Oh, Toto, I don't think we're in Manhattan anymore.
Her house is beautiful!
Oh, and look at her dog!
Hey, boy! Come here, boy!
Come here, boy!
Why didn't he come?
Invisible electric fencing.
It's the latest thing. My sister has it.
Charlotte sweetie, don't forget our gift.
- Look at you! You're huge! - I know.
Isn't it great? I can eat anything I want. Jealous?
Come on in. Come in.
Brigid, Roxanne, these are my friends from the city.
We didn't think you'd make it.
We got lost. We took the wrong bridge.
Remember that feeling, like if you left Manhattan...even for a second,
you'd fall off the edge of the earth?
Oh, God, don't remind me.
Oh, my God! It's the Bellini baby basket!
Oh, look, everybody!
It's the Bellini baby basket!
Speaking of Bellinis, I'm gonna have a big drink.
Is she still barhopping and bed-hopping?
It's so sad when that's all you have.
Okay, this is Rebecca...
- Susan... - Hello.
Don't get up, sweet heart. She's doing this in vitro thing.
She's not supposed to move at all.
That's Betsy and her boy Harry.
They're inseparable. They do everything together.
We call them our old married couple.
Except it's not that funny since Betsy and her husband are getting divorced.
Laney, we need you!
So all I have to do to meet the ideal man is give birth to him.
I love my son. Andy is 11 months old.
He is a god, and I tell him so every day.
Thirty years from now, what do you think the chances are...
that some woman's gonna be able to make Andy happy?
I'm gonna go with zero.
Oh, it's adorable!
Look at that Charlotte.
I wish they made this in my size.
I told you, it's a cult. We can't separate.
Once they isolate you from the herd, it's all over.
As I watched Laney tear open a terry cloth baby bib...
with the same enthusiasm she once reserved...
for tearing off rock stars' pants...
I couldn't help but wonder...
"Was I next?"
You know what? I have to pee.
If you're not back in five minutes, I'm coming after you.
The truth is, I needed to escape.
The party had turned into a preview...
a preview of a life I didn't know if I was ready for.
Even seven months pregnant, Laney couldn't keep her clothes on.
Clearly, a part of the old Laney had survived.
But I wondered, what was still buried...
deep inside the mommies downstairs?
Before I married my husband, I slept around with everybody.
Now I have an lnternet lover.
No one knows.
When I was senior vice president, 212 people reported to me on a daily basis.
Now I just yell at the gardener...
who doesn't understand a single word.
I'm exactly the same. I love my life.
But every now and then, I can't help but think about...
Sometimes I climb up into the kids' tree house...
with my Walkman, light up a joint...
and listen to Peter Frampton.
There's a woman in there breast-feeding a child who can chew steak.
You know how I feel about that?
If you can ask for it, you're probably too old to have it.
I just realized...
maybe it's maturity or the wisdom that comes with age...
but the witch in Hansel and Gretel, she's very misunderstood.
I mean, the woman builds her dream house...
and these brats come along and start eating it.
I just have to tell you your home is beautiful.
Thank you. I know it's a big change.
But at some point, you have to get serious and settle down.
I mean, life is not a Jacqueline Susann novel--
four friends looking for life and love in the big city.
Stop it! You are not going to clean up at your own shower.
Relax, 'cause once Todd or Shayla comes around, you'll never stop cleaning up.
Shayla? Did you say Shayla?
- It's so unique, isn't it? - It's so my name!
- I thought your name was Charlotte. - No, it's not my name.
It's my name, my secret baby name...
that I made up when I was 11 years old for my daughter when I had her.
I told you. Don't tell me you don't remember.
I'm sorry, I really don't.
A complete lie. She remembered. We all remembered.
Charlotte had made us all swear never to use it.
- Anyway my husband heard it somewhere else. - Really? Where? Because I didn't tell him.
I can't believe you're freaking out over a name.
- I mean, you're not even pregnant. - That's not the point!
- What's going on? - She stole my baby name.
Beers and bar nuts at Flanagan's off Route Five...
were the perfect antidote to Laney's House of Humiliation.
If I hadn't waited this long to have a baby, that name would be mine.
Oh, Charlotte, come on. You're still young. You have plenty of time to have children.
No, I don't.
I don't want to be one of those 40-year-old moms.
- No offense. - I don't want to be one of them either.
There are no frozen eggs in my freezer.
Was the bathroom clean?
What do you think?
This is why I hate baby showers. You always leave feeling depressed.
Paddy, another round.
Well, l, for one, love my life.
And I will not be made to feel inadequate by all this baby talk.
I spoke to a woman with a master's in finance.
All she wanted to talk about was her Diaper Genie.
Oh, come on, guys. It doesn't have to be like that.
You don't have to lose yourself to have a kid.
I know plenty of cool, hip mothers...
who live in the city and still have great careers and stuff.
I'm late. I missed my period.
Paddy, honey, where are those beers?
I don't know, just a few-- Seven days.
Oh, honey, gray area.
True, you're in front of the firing squad...
but you haven't been shot.
- I was once ten days late. - Really? Were you having sex?
What are you going to do? You gonna tell Mr. Big?
I am not going to tell him until I know what l--
till I know how l-- what--
No, I am not going to tell him...
until I know how to finish this sentence.
- What did I miss? - Nothing.
That night, Charlotte got out her wish box...
where she kept reminders of all the things she hoped for in life--
a gift for Shayla...
a town house in the city...
a beach house in East Hampton...
her dream man...
her backup dream man.
It's very strange when the life you never had flashes before your eyes.
Carrie Held Hostage: Day Eight.
Miranda and I went shopping.
I'm on total ovary overload. Which kind do I get?
Here. This one's on sale, half off.
Sweetie, I just spent $395 on a pair of open-toed Gucci's last week.
-This is not the place to be frugal. -All right.
What about this one?
Oh, Firts response. I remember First Response.
I had a very reassuring moment once with First Response.
What if I am?
If you am, you am.
I don't think I'd be very good at this.
I mean, am I maternal?
When I was a little girl, I left my baby doll out in the rain for four days.
Her face peeled off. That can't be good.
- But I mean if you-- - I shaved my Barbie's head when I was mad at her.
When I was little, I took a rubber band and put it around my dog Pepper's snout.
- What? - God.
Can you picture it, us with--
- Babies. - I'll probably end up with five.
Five hours and two packs of gum later...
I decided I couldn't take the test...
till I knew exactly how I felt about the results, either way.
- Hello? - It's Laney.
I just wanted to tell you it was so great seeing you guys the other day.
I know I was a big bitch, but you gotta know my hormones are going wild.
The truth is, Laney's hormones have been going wild since she was ten.
Seeing you made me remember how much fun we used to have.
We did. It's amazing how much time has gone by.
Tell me about it.
But I miss us. I really do.
- We should get together more often. - Mm-hmm.
But I mean, we should get together, not just say we're going to...
but really do it.
Absolutely. Listen, I've gotta go. I'm running late.
- Where are you off to? - Actually Samantha's having one of her parties.
- She is? - Yeah.
Oh, man! See, that's the kind of thing-- I love Samantha's parties.
- Why didn't you tell me? - Next time. I promise, all right?
Faced with her own inadequacies...
Samantha did something only Samantha could do.
She threw an l-don't-have-a-baby shower...
to let everyone know she was fabulous.
Great to see you!
Oh! I don't have a baby!
- Are you having fun? - Yes, I am, but not as much fun as Miranda.
Still convinced that marriage plus baby equals death...
Miranda chose life...
also known as Ed, Samantha's accountant.
If she fucks on that couch, she buys it.
Hey, you guys, the entertainment has arrived!
- What are you doing here? - What I do best-- partying!
- Maybe we better sit down. - Fuck no! Where's the bar?
- Somebody get me a drink! - I don't knw, Laney. You think that's a good idea?
Fuck yeah. I'm due any day. What's one little drink gonna matter?
Maybe it'll help me go into labor.
She gives birth on that couch, she buys it.
What are you doing here? What is she doing here?
- I missed you guys. - Us?
The pathetic, live-for-the-moment New York single girls...
who think that life is a Jacqueline Susann novel?
Look, I'm sure you get asked this all the time, but what is your problem?
My problem? Just that I had a dream and you killed it, in a nutshell.
Really? You're lucky, because at least you know what happened to your dream.
I have absolutely no idea what happened to mine.
I spent the next hour keeping Charlotte away from Laney...
and Laney away from the vodka.
Look who came up for air.
He's a good kisser and he's gonna do my taxes for free.
Excuse me. I'm sorry. Hey, Carrie.
Listen, I've been talking to your friend Charlotte. She's great.
- Is she seeing anybody? - Wide open.
Just don't mention the name Shayla.
- I'm sorry? - Nothing.
It's a private joke. Go forth and date.
His name was Jonathan Bix.
He was a trader at Bear Sterns...
and had just closed escrow on a house in the Hamptons.
Charlotte suddenly realized all was not lost.
As she sipped her beer...
she mentally Scotch-taped her dream house back together again.
This party sucks.
Laney, maybe we should think about getting you home, all right?
No, I don't wanna go back there.
Hey, you fuckers! Who wants to see my tits?
I'll take a look.
Laney, come on. Come back. Don't do this.
Relax! It'll be fun!
All right, look. Now we're gonna have a party.
Pregnant lady showin' her tits!
Oh, my God.
This is at once so sad...
and the most fabulous validation I've ever gotten in my life.
This is weird.
I don't think I can do this.
Despite her best efforts to run free...
it appeared that Laney Berlin's invisible electric fence...
stretched all the way to Manhattan.
No, I know I can do it. Just give me one more chance.
Laney, it's not who you are anymore. It's all right.
I didn't know that was gonna happen. Nobody told me that was gonna happen.
I mean, somebody should warn you.
It's all right.
One day you're gonna wake up, and you're not gonna recognize yourself.
Can you take her to Connecticut?
I spent the entire next day sitting on a park bench watching children play.
If I had to, could I do this?
Would I be any good?
Would I somehow manage to stay me?
Hello. Oh, my!
That's okay. She's adorable.
Yeah, most of the time.
You wanna go home? Yeah, yeah.
- Bye. - Bye-bye.
On the way home...
I got my period.